Dr. Collins had given Olivia some medicine in hopes of calming her down long enough to talk to her and figure out what was going on. Hopefully she could get to the bottom of things and figure out what caused her breakdown to happen. Then they could begin working to fix it. It was already late at night but patients tended to shut down if you waited too long.
"So, Olivia, can you tell me about your day today? Starting from the beginning. What did you do?"
"I got up at five," Olivia began quietly while staring at nothing in particular, "I took a shower and I went to work like I do every morning. There was a case about a missing girl but Fin and Amanda found her."
"Okay," Dr. Collins said to show she was listening, "What else?"
"My captain called me into his office. He told me that..." Olivia took a deep breath and gripped the sheet tighter in her hand, "he told me that my partner turned in his papers. He was retiring."
"Then what happened?"
Olivia sat quietly, thinking about why she was even here in the first place. She couldn't remember how she got there but she remembered everything up until that point. She wanted to cry and scream and throw things but the way Don was holding her hand was giving her the strength to talk. She sighed, "Then... I went into an empty room."
"Why?" Dr. Collins questioned.
"I didn't want anyone to see me cry."
"What did you do after that?"
"I went home. I needed to be alone... I... couldn't stop thinking about everything. Everyone that I've lost... everyone that I have ever loved... I can't do anymore. It's too much." Her eyes were getting teary again and Dr. Collins could see that Olivia was stressed so she decided she would come back the next day.
"I'm going to help you get better, Olivia," Dr. Collins said, "I understand you have had a tough time and the pressure and the stress was just too much for you to handle all by yourself. Hopefully you will trust me and we can talk about it and we can get you all better."
"How long do I have to stay here?"
"I don't know," Dr. Collins answered sympathetically, "We can't really put a time on how long I takes."
Olivia just nodded and Dr. Collins excused herself from the room leaving Olivia and Don alone.
"It's getting late," Don said, "You should try and get some rest. You're exhausted." He stood up from the chair and grabbed the blanket that was folded on the foot of the bed and unfolded it. He swung it in the air and then covered her up with it.
"I don't know how this happened," Olivia whispered with exhaustion taking over, "I really don't."
"Now isn't the time to figure that out, Liv," Don said gently, "You don't have to do it by yourself. You're not alone."
Olivia gave him the smallest smile, but it was still a smile and Don would happily accept it. "Visiting hours are almost over but, I'll be back first thing in the morning."
Olivia shook her head no, "You don't have to do that. You have work and... I'll be okay."
"I'll see you in the morning, Liv," he said heading for the door. He wasn't going to argue with her. He needed her to realize that she wasn't alone. He cared about her like a daughter. He had known her for so long now that it seemed like forever. He wasn't going to ever leave her because then she really would be alone.
Olivia sunk her head further into the crappy pillow and shut her eyes. She was embarrassed for how she had let her superior officer see her. She didn't know if she would be allowed to have her job back after this. Psych surely wouldn't pass her. She sighed and forced everything to clear her mind. She just wanted to sleep and forget about everything; even if it was only for a little while.
The next morning started off on a bad note. Dr. Collins had came into Olivia's room to try and get her to talk some more but Olivia wasn't having it. All she would do was sit there and cry and she wouldn't tell anyone why. She hadn't said a word.
"Olivia," Dr. Collins said sitting down on the edge of the hospital bed, "I need you to talk to me. I know you're hurting. I know you're upset. Bottling it up inside isn't going to help..."
"Bottling it up inside hasn't worked for you. You're the one with the problem."
"I just want to help you," Dr. Collins continued. "Are you at least listening to me?"
Olivia looked up at the younger lady who was basically begging her to talk. She wanted to yell 'no' that she wasn't having it but, Dr. Collins was being so nice to her. "Yes," she finally said.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure," Olivia shrugged.
"Who is Elliot?"
Olivia smiled a real smile. "Elliot is Elliot. He is hard headed and stubborn but he has so much compassion. He cares so much about the people he loves. He'll do anything for them." Her smile slowly faded. "Elliot was my best friend for thirteen years. We told each other everything. Everything accept the one thing that mattered most. Elliot Stabler is-"
"Stabler?" Dr. Collins' eyes grew wide, "Elliot Stabler?"
Olivia looked at her with a questioning look, "Yes."
Dr. Collins opened her mouth to say something but shut it quickly. Now wasn't the best time to bring it up.
"So he was the reason you were crying so hard when your captain came to your house last night?"
"One of them," Olivia said quietly, "I have a lot of things to cry about..."
Dr. Collins offered her a sad smile, "Like what?"
Olivia shrugged, "Calvin... Sonya... my mom."
"Who are Calvin and Sonya?"
Olivia sighed, she didn't want to talk about them. She was trying to forget about them not bring them up. It was only making her feel worse. "It doesn't matter," she decided on saying, "None of it matters anymore. They're gone."
"What happened to them?"
"I don't want to talk about it," Olivia stressed with the frustration evident in her voice.
"If you tell me about it... maybe I could help. And maybe then you wouldn't be so sad. That's what you are, isn't it? Sad?"
Olivia sighed again and reached up to wipe a tear away that had escaped from the corner of her eye. She nodded slowly, "Of course I'm sad. Who wouldn't be?"
Dr. Collins wasn't able to get much more information out of Olivia that day so she decided that she would give her a break and visit again after dinner. She had seen several patients who were there because they were sad or had just had enough of life. Olivia was like that but, she was much different. Her sadness seemed more... real. Dr. Collins was sure she didn't know the whole story yet but she hoped to get it out of Olivia soon. She really wanted to help her get back on her feet.
Don had came back to the hospital just as he promised and he brought a cinnamon bagel and a steaming cup of french vanilla coffee. He knew how much Olivia needed her coffee to function so he thought he was doing a good thing. When he arrived at her room and tried to give her the goodies, she refused.
"I'm not hungry," she said, "But thanks..." She rolled over onto her side so her back was facing Don and she wrapped herself up like a cocoon, hoping to escape the harshness this world had to offer.
"You don't even want your coffee? It's french vanilla..."
"I'm sorry," Olivia said quietly.
Don smiled sadly at her. He wished there was something he could do. He wished he could have prepared her somehow for Elliot's departure. He wished somehow he could bring Elliot back and make him realize that what he and Olivia had was profound.
"I don't know how I ended up like this," Olivia said breaking Don free of his thoughts. "A few years ago I would never have pictured myself here... like this. So weak... so... vulnerable. How did this happen?"
Don walked around the end of the bed so he was now facing Olivia and he could see the tears glistening in her eyes. All he had seen her do the past two days was cry. It was breaking his heart.
"You lost someone you love," Don said sadly, "I know what it's like... It's hard... you think your life is over."
Olivia choked back a sob, "My life is over. What else do I have to live for? My job? I'm sure I won't be getting that back anytime soon... I have no one. When I leave this place I get to go home to my empty house and spend the rest of my life by myself... alone. That's all I've ever known though... so it's not like it'll be any different."
Don had had enough. He wasn't going to stand around and let Olivia talk like this. He needed her to see that she was better and had more to live for and that this was just a bump in the road on a long hard journey.
"Enough," he said sternly, "That's enough. You can't keep acting like this. You're stronger than this. Sure it's tough. I know that, Olivia, I know. I know you will need time. But you have to want to get better. You have to believe that this is just a bump in the road. There's still so much more you have to do!"
Olivia made eye contact with him for the first time that morning and the tears were burning her cheeks. "You think so?"
"Liv, I know so. I know what kind of person you are. You're one of the best people I have ever met. I know that you feel alone right now but, you aren't. Liv, I look at you like you're my daughter. How long have we known each other now? Thirteen years? I know more about you than I do about myself." He let out a small chuckle and it gained a small smile from Olivia. A real, genuine, smile.
"Thanks..." she whispered, "For everything. I'm going to try... I'm really going to try and get better. I just... it will take some time."
"I know that," he said, "I understand. Take all the time you need. As for your job, it's waiting for you whenever you're ready to come back."
"Thank you."
"It's no problem, Liv. None at all."
It was after dinner time now and Olivia was waiting not so patiently in her room for Dr. Collins. She was ready to talk about some things but she didn't know how long she would be ready so she needed Dr. Collins to come now. She stared at the clock hanging on the wall and counted down the seconds until there was finally a knock at the door.
"Hello, Olivia," Dr. Collins said sporting a big smile, "How are you?"
"I'm good," she said for lack of a better word, "I'm ready to talk."
Dr. Collins looked surprised. She pulled a chair up to the bed and sat down; ready to listen. "So talk."
"Calvin was... my son. Well, not really... I mean, I loved him like one and I wish he was but, he's not. Anyway, his mother was in real bad shape and she ended up signing parental rights over to me. She just left him in the squad room with an envelope. Then... a few weeks later she revoked the rights. She sent Calvin to live with his grandparents in Vermont. He was screaming for me... telling them he didn't want to go," Olivia whispered toward the end, "I had to fight so hard to keep my tears at bay. All I keep thinking about is the last hug I gave to him. I didn't want to let him go."
"What did you do after Calvin left?"
Olivia thought about the question and wondered what relevance it held. "I went back to work," she said simply, "Actually I tried to go back to work but, Elliot wouldn't stop pestering me. He took me home and I went to bed."
Dr. Collins nodded and wrote some things down in her notepad for later. "Okay, so I know who Calvin is and I know a little about Elliot. Who's Sonya?"
Olivia smiled weakly, "Sonya was... well... we weren't exactly friends. She had a problem with alcohol... she reminded me of my mother. She went to rehab and she got better and then she got another chance at her job and we were working a case together... she was killed."
"So you cared about her?"
Olivia nodded, "After she came back she apologized to all of us and I could tell she meant it..."
Dr. Collins nodded again and wrote down a few more things. "What did you do after all of this?"
"Well, uh, Elliot... came back from Quantico. He had some training to do and I cried. I couldn't control it. He made sure I was okay though and he never left my side the whole night."
"He cared about you," she stated.
"He did," Olivia said quietly, "There's a key word there."
"What makes you think he stopped?"
Olivia all of a sudden didn't want to talk anymore. She was getting sad thinking about Calvin and Sonya and thinking about Elliot leaving just made her want to crawl into a ball and sob endlessly. "I don't think I want to talk anymore..."
Dr. Collins gave Olivia a sad smile and told her she did a good job talking about what she could. She told Olivia that she understood if she wasn't ready to talk about Elliot yet and that it was okay. Then she told Olivia she would see her in the morning and left.
Olivia lay back in bed and pulled the covers up over top of her. The room was stuffy but she couldn't sleep without something to cuddle with. "You always were the one to make me crazy, El," she whispered into the night air, "If only you knew that..."
