A/N - No, I haven't forgotten about Here You Me. But I'm sort of in love with this story. So here's round two. No beta, forgive mistakes.
This is for Melishen! (Don't ask...) Sometimes things take a long time to happen, but there's merit in never giving up. I'm glad we never did.
All You Got
By: Azfixiate
I awake to much more sunlight than should ever be permitted into any bedroom. Instinctively my eyes snap shut again as the memories from the night before come back to me. By the time I drag myself from the bed and get dressed, I'm relieved to find that Chisame has gone out for the day so I don't have to face her. "Isn't that how it always goes?" I said to myself as I pondered on whether or not I could remember my way back to my car from her apartment.
Making sure I've gathered my things I set out into the overly bright day, wincing in pain at the throbbing in my head. Luckily I found my way to my car quickly and was thankful to pull on the sunglasses I kept in it. I made my way home without making any stops, wanting only a shower and more sleep to get me through the day. Unfortunately as soon as I opened my front door, I knew my day was not going to go at all as I had hoped.
"Nice of you to finally come home," Natsuki called from the couch as she sat up and clicked off the tv.
"Why are you here?" I asked, already feeling my headache worsening.
"Making sure you're still alive. Sleeping with strangers is dangerous you know," she answered flatly. Her tone wasn't exactly hostile, but it certainly wasn't friendly either. "You're out of mayo too by the way."
"Well then I suggest you go get some since you're the only one who eats that God awful stuff. I'm going to take a shower." Please don't fight me right now Natsuki. Please just let me go.
Her eyes met mine for a minute and I sighed in relief when she nodded.
"I'm not leaving though," she said as she went back to the couch.
I watched her retreating form for a minute, wondering how we ever got to this point. Half the time it certainly felt like we were dating, and in some ways I wondered if this could ever be enough. At least she doesn't run away when we fight anymore. Though I have myself to thank for that. The last time she got angry and left she returned to find me gone and didn't hear from me for a week. It scared her so badly she refused to leave from then on unless she knew I was stable as she put it. So maybe it wasn't the best situation, but it was something.
Once I was in the shower I relaxed, letting the hot water ease away my headache and exhaustion. I was thankful Natsuki seemed to not want to fight today and got hopeful that maybe for once, even if it was just a few hours, we could pretend to be the normal best friends we used to be.
I took my time finishing my shower and getting dressed. If nothing else I was perfectly comfortable with Natsuki around even when we were frustrated with each other. There wasn't much left to feel shy or awkward about at this point anyways. We've lasted longer than ninety five percent of the marriages around us. It's got to say something about us at least.
Once I finished I sat on the other end of the couch trying to gauge what sort of mood she was in. She glanced at me quickly before turning back to the tv, obviously trying to figure the same out about me.
"You must be tired," she said eventually without looking at me.
"A little," I responded, my eyes falling on her lap as I wished I could lay my head there.
"Can nap if you want." She finally looks at me and I search her eyes, relieved when for once I see no anger or resentment. Maybe this can be a good day after all.
"Ara, Natsuki is so kind to let me sleep in my own house," I tease and she rolls her eyes. The ache in my heart lifts, and before I can stop myself - before I can remember that when I forget the pain I only fall more in love with her, I do lay my head on her lap and close my eyes. "Good night Natsuki."
"Not on me you idiot!" she protests but without even opening my eyes I pout and it's only a minute before I feel her fingers in my hair. "Oi, if you're staying there you have about a half hour to nap before I leave."
"Where is Natsuki going?" I try to keep the disappointment out of my voice but there's no point. She knows me too well by now.
"WE are going shopping before the stores close. You need mayo or I'll never survive these late night babysitting adventures."
"Ikezu.." I say, unhappy with the babysitting comment though we both know it's mostly true.
"Shizuru..?"
Her voice is soft, and I know that means a hard question is coming. "Yes Natsuki?" I ask as her fingers keep stroking my hair to keep me calm. She trapped me, and she knows it. She knows I can't go anywhere when she is touching me like this. How did she ever get so smart?
"Are we ever going to be able to talk about all of this?"
"Will you be able to stay calm?"
"I don't know. You piss me off," she says with a sad laugh but her fingers are still moving through my hair. We are still safe.
I open my eyes to look up into hers and see a softness there I have not seen in a long time. "What do you want to know?" I can at least try if she's willing to try.
"Did you sleep with her?" she asks, and I stiffen in shock. I had expected a lecture about my drinking, not this.
"Does it matter?" I ask after a long silence. What kind of game is she playing with me? "It's not as if I'm taken."
"I think everyone knows you're not taken. You change girls faster than I change panties these days." Another sad laugh. Is she actually hurt by this? Please don't tease me like this again Natsuki.
"Why does Natsuki not date?" I ask, wanting to change the subject from my own personal failures.
"Ha, I think you might kill someone if they so much as kissed me," she laughs, real loud now and though I suspected she was only teasing, it sent a sudden surge of guilt through my body. Have I really been so selfish? What if it was true?
"Is that true?" I ask, suddenly feeling the urge to cry. "Is Natsuki putting off her happiness because she is... afraid of me?"
"No!" Her eyes flash panic, and somehow her distress calms me.
"Ara, maybe Natsuki should just claim me as hers then." I regret the words as soon as they leave my lips. Natsuki doesn't respond, but I feel her thumb brush against my cheek before her fingers move back to my hair. Does she even have any clue how intimate she is being?
I close my eyes and enjoy the touch, knowing that our conversation is over. Did we even get anywhere at all? "We should go now. I don't want to miss out on my mayo," she says, finally stilling the motion of her fingers.
We survived, though I'm not sure we made any progress. At least it was something. Baby steps. Seven years of crawling and mayo still wins out over hashing this out. "I should go fix my hair then. Natsuki seemed quite intent on messing it up," I force a smile as I say this, reluctantly rising from her lap. She blushes, probably not having even realized what she was doing until I mentioned it. So clueless.
We make it to the store shortly before closing and Natsuki dashes straight to the mayo section. I can't help but laugh, it seems that mayo is the last piece of innocence either of us have hung onto. "Staying for dinner?"
"Sure if you want but you don't have to make anything. I know you're tired."
"I don't mind," I say honestly, trying to not get too excited about it. A few more hours of this and it'll be the first time in about six months we've made it this long without a fight breaking out. There are a million questions I want to ask, and even more things I want to force out of her but I restrain myself. This is what normal best friends do. We can be normal. Somehow.
I make dinner as promised, laughing as Natsuki looms over my shoulder in anticipation. Finally I convince her to pick out a movie for us to watch while we eat to get her out of my hair. Once I'm finished cooking we settle onto the couch as she starts Die Hard. "Should have known better than to let you pick," I say in teasing protest. As long as it makes her stay I could care less.
I don't know how it happened but at some point, long after dinner had been finished and well into the movie Natsuki opened her arms to me. It wasn't the first time, but normally she never makes such a gesture unless it's forced out of her by some extreme emotion. I felt her arms wrap around me as we shifted on the couch to get comfortable. We finally settled with her spooning me on the couch, my mind reeling as I felt her breath on my neck. "You don't have to..." I whisper, unsure of what was happening. Is this more of her "help"?
"Shh," is the only answer I get as she goes back to watching her movie.
What happened to baby steps? I want to scream at her and find out what is happening. Last night she kisses me, now this? I can't handle this Natsuki. I close my eyes, trying to stop my thoughts. I want to just enjoy this. I want to let go. Just feel Shizuru, just enjoy this while it lasts.
And so I do. Just like all the other times. I give control to her when I feel her fingers lace with mine, her arms tight around my body. This is my dream, my nightmare, my everything. Her breath tickles my ear and I'm pretty sure I feel her place the faintest kiss there. "Natsuki..?" I question, too afraid to move. The confusion is too much for me and try as I might, I can't control the gentle sobs that build up within me.
"I should go Shizuru," she says finally, but she's not moving. I turn in her arms so that I'm facing her and for the briefest moment I see the familiar panic in her eyes. Is it me she's afraid of?
"Don't," I plead, moving my body closer to hers so she can't easily get up from the couch. Her eyes watch me intently and she dips her head down to kiss me gently as she wipes away my tears. It's a quick, gentle brushing of lips. Nothing like the fierce kiss last night. "Why are you doing this to me?" I choke out finally.
"Isn't this what you want?" she questions, causing me to shiver as her fingertips slide along the skin of my neck.
"No, you idiot," I manage to get out. The words take all my willpower and courage to speak, but finally I speak honestly, without hiding behind my fear. "I want your heart, not your body Natsuki. I'm in love with you. You know that."
"I have to go," she says again, this time moving from the couch with ease.
"Oh. No. You. Don't." I watch her wince at the tone of my voice. "You are not doing this to me, and then running away again. You started this. I'm not just your toy to be possessive over when you get jealous of some girl."
"That's not what it is!" Her face flushes, from anger or embarrassment I don't know. "I'm going."
"Natsuki is so selfish," I say, grabbing her arm to keep her in place. She tries to give me a defiant look, but I can see in her eyes that I am winning this round. "Tell me what the hell this is about, because if you're so worried about me, you wouldn't be playing these mind games with me."
"How can I believe anything Shizuru!? You say you love me but then you go and fuck half the city and I sit here and wait to pick up the pieces. I don't date anyone because if I was going to be with anyone, it would be you. But you're too busy destroying yourself to notice. And now I don't know what to feel." She turns away from me but doesn't move. We're fighting now and she won't leave despite her words. Her words... Oh Natsuki is this true?
"Don't go," I say again, not knowing what else to say after that. I move behind her and hesitantly wrap my arms around her waist, resting my chin on her shoulder.
"I don't know anything anymore Shizuru," she chokes out, a sob escaping from her lips. "When I figured it out you were too far gone. Too set going out with these girls, sleeping with them. Nothing I did could stop you. It broke my heart. I don't know anymore. I just don't." She was crying now and I turned her in my arms to face her. How did I miss this? Why didn't she ever tell me? Oh God, don't let this be too late. "Please Shizuru, let me go. I need to be alone right now."
I can only nod, trying not to break down myself. I bite my bottom lip to fight off my own tears as I watch her pull on her jacket. I watch as she reaches for the door, but she stops and instead turns to me and wraps her arms tightly around me. "It'll be ok," she says, still trying to comfort me though it's clear she is also in pain.
I want to tell her I love her, but the words won't come out. It doesn't matter anyways, she lets go and quickly walks outside, shutting the door gently behind her. I stare at the door dumbstruck. Everything I just believed was reality has shattered.
