The next morning, as Alvey walked up to the gym, he could see Lisa standing outside waiting for him. "Oh, man, this can't be good," he mumbled to himself. "What's up?" he called.
"Okay, try not to freak out," Lisa began. "They're just messing around."
"Son of a bitch," he muttered, tearing off his sunglasses and storming into the building.
Nate and Jay were sparring roughly in the cage, and Zoey was hanging upside down from the top of it, talking to Joe Daddy with her calves hooked around the top bar. All Alvey could see, though, was that Jay was in the building.
"HEY!" Alvey screamed. "What the fuck are you doing?! Are you out of your fucking mind?"
Zoey quickly flipped off the top, landing solidly on her feet, and backed smoothly away from the scene. She'd been all about seeing everybody at the gym – she hadn't been to Navy Street in several weeks with school and finals – but she knew Jay would surely catch hell when Alvey got back. They all thought it would be at least another hour.
"Are you out of your mind? Are you out of your fucking mind?" Alvey kept repeating, heading in Jay's direction, but Jay didn't seem too bothered.
"Ah, we're training, Pops."
"Get out of the fucking cage," Alvey ordered, opening the door himself. "Get out of the cage! You could have cut him."
"But I didn't cut him, so why don't you chill the fuck out," Jay retorted as he walked down the steps, unwinding the tape around his wrists and catching his breath.
"Chill the fuck out?" Alvey asked, and he had that crazy look in his eyes that had Jay turning away. "Why don't I fucking chill the fuck out?" Alvey punctuated his words by throwing his drink all over Jay's back. "Get out," he ordered again. "Get out. Everybody go home. Gym's closed today."
"He's getting a little nasty in his old age," Jay joked as he slid on his sunglasses. His tank top was splattered with whatever green shit Alvey had been drinking, but he kept calm.
"Jay, I'm warning you, just get out of here!"
Nate exited the cage himself and used his entire upper body to slam the door shut. He crashed onto the steps and started ripping his tape off as Zoey was slipping out the back door. She ran as hard as she could, her feet pounding against the cement. Joe Daddy was the only one who'd seen her leave, and he wouldn't spill where she'd gone.
These were Zoey's least favorite moments, when she and her brothers were all scattered because Dad was yelling again. She hated that he could separate them. They were Nate's least favorite moments, too, because he was disappointed in himself for messing around with Jay and because Dad couldn't find it in him to give Jay a chance. Jay was everything to Nate, and Dad was too blind to see it. Or maybe he just didn't care. And Jay? He wasn't concerned about much of anything except Nate and Zoey. And maybe getting high. He'd been taking Alvey's crap all his life, but he'd failed to protect his little siblings from getting hurt by their father again, and that killed Jay inside. Their fun morning had turned sour in less than thirty seconds.
Jay waited in his truck outside for ten minutes. That was plenty of time for Zoey to pull herself together and start walking home. Nate's bike was gone, but Zoey had ridden to the gym with Jay, and he knew that she hadn't gone home with Nate, because she was terrified of him when he was angry.
Jay drove a couple of laps around the streets that led to the house. He saw Lisa smoke at least two cigarettes outside the overhead door, but he couldn't find his sister, didn't see her even once. He left her a voicemail and drove straight to the liquor store.
By the time the sun was setting, Nate still hadn't left his room, and Zoey was still MIA. Jay was starting to get worried, even though he was drunk. He wobbled across the hall to knock lightly on Nate's door. Silence. Jay pushed the door open to find his brother lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. He'd clearly been there a long time.
"Zo never came home," Jay informed him, trying to keep from slurring his words.
Nate didn't say anything. Jay turned away, frustrated at his brother for not caring and tearing into himself for not trying harder to find her before it got dark out. California wasn't safe. Not LA, and especially not Venice.
Jay closed the door and walked further down the hall to Zoey's room. He laid down on her bed and looked at the room like she'd see it. The nightstand was closer to her bed than Jay's was to his. Because she had shorter arms, he figured. He stared at the photo she had taped haphazardly to the side of her nightstand – it was an older one Jay barely remembered posing for, maybe at her birthday. No, it had been Nate's. Yeah. Jay had on a backwards baseball cap, and each brother had an arm slung around Zo's shoulders. Jay and Zoey had on big smiles, and even Nate wasn't scowling. It was sweet. Jay's stomach started to ache.
He moved on and was starting to read the titles on her bookshelf (it was sparse, because they didn't have money for books. When they wanted to read something, they waited for the library to get it, but Jay would splurge and get her paperback copies of her favorites for her birthday. She'd always been a good reader. Jay wished he could spend all afternoon reading like she could. The little nerd.) when Nate interrupted him.
"I'm going," he said. Jay slowly looked up to see him standing in the doorway.
"What?"
"You want me to go look for her, right? That's what you meant?" Jay didn't answer, so Nate repeated, "I'm going. I'm taking my bike. Not sure when I'll be back."
Nate disappeared around the corner, but Jay called after him, "Bring a jacket. And one for Zee, too."
Jay shut his eyes and pressed his face into Zoey's light blue pillowcase and waited for sleep to overtake him.
It felt like mere seconds before Nate was shaking him awake. "Jay. JAY."
"Mmm," Jay mumbled. "'M up. What's happening?"
"I can't find her."
"What?" Jay said, sobering a bit.
"Her phone's off, and she's not in any of her usual places. Jay, I can't find her."
He could tell Nate was starting to panic. "How long were you gone?"
"Almost two hours. I went everywhere I could think of."
"Gimme the list."
"The library. The statue on main street. The park and the pier. I went to the rides and everything. The place on Pacific Avenue where the letters are strung across the street. I checked the skate park and the place on 3rd street where she buys those hot dogs…"
"Did you check the beach?"
"The whole beach? I'm supposed to check the entire beach?"
"She was on foot, Nate. She can't have gotten too far."
"It's been nine hours!"
"Yeah, but you know her. She'll pick a spot and watch the tourists, and then once the sun sets, she'll realize how long she's been there."
They fell quiet.
"Do you think she's doing something bad?" Nate asked softly.
"No," Jay murmured.
"It's the summer before her senior year. She's sixteen. She has nothing to do and nowhere to be. Do you think –"
"No," Jay interrupted firmly. "She's fine. We'll find her tomorrow. Who knows, she might just turn up. We might get up tomorrow and she'll be passed out on the couch."
There was silence again. Nate shifted from foot to foot and tugged on the strings of his sweatshirt, waiting for some sort of instruction from Jay.
"Come on," Jay said finally, sitting up on Zoey's bed. "We can't leave her out there alone."
Nate nodded curtly. "Take your car. I'll take my bike again."
"You sure?"
"We have a better shot if we split up. Are you sober enough?"
"Of course."
Nate gave him a look.
"I'm great," Jay remarked. He pushed himself up and headed to grab a long sleeve shirt off his desk chair. "Come on. We've gotta go get our girl."
Of course, Nate would only find Zoey after went to Jay for help. He texted Jay to let him know that he had eyes on her, but he watched her from a distance for a moment before he went up to her. It was always easy to read her emotions from her face. She didn't wear her heart on her sleeve, per se, but once you got to know her, she was like an open book. You just had to know what to look for.
Nate could tell, even from several feet away, that she was still upset. He texted Jay again saying he'd bring her home and not to worry about picking them up. It wasn't a far walk, maybe twelve or so minutes, and he knew that if she got in the car with both her brothers, she'd shut down. Keeping it quiet and calm was better.
He wheeled his bike over to her, his tennis shoes quiet in the sand. She was sitting back by the dunes with her knees pulled up to her chest, watching the tourists, just like Jay had said she would be. She jumped a little when she saw Nate approaching, and she quickly looked away. Nate set his bike down and took a seat a few feet away from her. They sat in silence for a minute or two before Nate broke it. "Hey," he murmured.
She shifted slightly, uneasy.
"Look, I know you want to be alone right now, but I've been looking for you for two hours."
His tone wasn't accusing, but she looked down at her feet anyway.
"I'm not – we're not mad at you, okay?" Nate continued. "Nobody's mad. We just wanted to make sure you're okay. It got really… out of hand earlier at the gym. I'm sorry."
"'s not your fault," she muttered. Her voice was broken.
Nate looked at her, his eyebrows slightly furrowed at the manifestation of her pain. Nate's was white hot, burning. Wild anger. Zoey's was different, though. It was navy. Dark, and personal, and it ate her alive. If you threw water on Nate's, it would sizzle and then burn out. Zoey's just needed time. Nothing could soothe the ache her father caused in her.
There was a long silence. The tourists were running about, even in the dark, and the water roared loud in their ears. Nate was trying to figure out what to say when Zoey slid across the sand and over to him. She leaned on his shoulder and crossed her arms over her chest. He tucked her head under his chin and stared out at the ocean.
The boys needed her. As much as she sometimes thought she didn't fit in with her family of fighters, the Kulinas all needed her to balance them out. She was the water to Nate's fire and Jay's air, but it was more than that. She cooked dinner on Wednesdays, kept up with the dishes, and she'd throw herself under the bus in a second to protect her brothers. She was wonderful at giving gifts and terrible at lying. To be honest, Nate wasn't sure what he'd do without her. He started to go crazy after a while when it was just Jay with him at the house. As much as he loved Jay, they needed Zoey there to make everything work. Nate couldn't talk to anybody but her, not about real stuff. When he was scared or sad or angry, Zoey knew before he even opened his mouth. He wanted to do the same for her, and that meant coming out here in the pitch-black night and finding her so she wasn't alone. He watched the waves ebb and flow on the shore as he comforted his sister in silence.
Yeah, Nate was a big, muscly fighter, sure, but that didn't mean that he wasn't scared to death of losing his family. Where he came from, family was everything, even with his dad the way he was. Nate made it work. They all did. And Zoey was part of that – a huge part of that.
He played the scene from the gym back in his head for the millionth time. Having fun with his siblings messing around in the cage. Sparring with Zoey for the first time in months. Hopping on top of Joe Daddy and having a chicken fight with Zoey, who was on Jay's shoulders. Zoey and Jay scaling the fence wall like monkeys, and Zoey making it to the top and dangling upside-down. Jay laughing, loud and long, as Nate cracked a deadpan joke. Dad storming in, shutting down all the fun, throwing a drink all over Jay, and kicking everybody out. Nate angrily biking home, slamming his door shut, and punching the doorframe as hard as he could.
Zoey sat up, bringing Nate out of his thoughts and back to the beach. Nate studied her and was glad to see that there were no traces of tears on her cheeks.
"Sorry, I'm just tired," she lied, knowing what her brother was doing. "It's fine."
Nate huffed, gently ruffling her hair. He stood and reached a hand down to his sister to pull her to her feet. They brushed themselves off and walked up the dunes to the pavement, where Nate got on his bike. Zoey climbed onto the back pegs and dug her fingers into his shoulders, and Nate pedaled back to the house.
Nate made sure to make a little extra noise as they approached the gate so Jay would hear them get home, but the oldest Kulina sibling was already sitting on the front step. He stood when they got close, and walked to meet Zoey. He pulled her into his arms, no banter or joking around. Nate propped his bike up against the far fence and slipped into the house to give them the illusion of privacy, but he stayed in the doorway to listen.
"I'm sorry," Zoey mumbled.
"No. Hey. Hey. What happened today was my fault. Okay? Not yours. Not Nate's. Mine. Dad didn't want me there, and I shouldn't have gone. That's it. He's not mad at you or Nate, he's mad at me."
"Why?"
"Cause I fuck everything up, that's why." Nate could hear a small smile in Jay's voice.
"That's not good enough," she decided, her voice unusually harsh.
"You know what happened," Jay said quietly. "I'd blow off fights 'cause of drugs. He kicked me out. He had every right to."
"Yeah, but you're good now! Why doesn't he –"
"Zo."
She sighed.
"I'm glad you're okay," Jay noted. "Just don't fucking do that again, okay? Let somebody know where you are." Nate peeked around the corner to see Jay smoothing Zoey's hair back from her face. Jay paused and looked at her closely. Of course, even in the darkness, Jay could tell how upset she was inside. He gave her another hug and kissed the top of her head. "We'll figure it out, yeah? It's gonna be fine. Now, go get some sleep, alright? It's late."
Nate heard them start walking to the door, so he disappeared into his room before either of them could see him standing there.
Everything went kind of normally after that. Jay was softly playing music in his room, and Zoey was in the shower, so Nate went and sat on the couch to play some video games. Pretty soon, Zoey went back to her room. A few minutes after her light switched off, Jay came out to sit on the couch with his brother.
"Thank you," Jay began quietly, "for looking for her."
"'s fine," Nate replied, keeping his eyes on the game.
"I'm gonna talk to her more about it tomorrow." Jay watched him play for a few moments before he added, "Look, I'm really sorry about what happened today. It was a stupid idea –"
"It was fun," Nate cut in.
Jay faltered. "What?"
"It was fun," Nate repeated. "Before Dad got there. It's cool when you guys come."
Jay couldn't help the smile that spread across his face. "Okay," he grinned, and he clapped his little brother hard on the shoulder as he stood up. "Get some sleep soon, alright?"
Nate nodded.
"Love you," Jay called before he disappeared behind his bedroom door.
Nate fumbled with the game for a few more minutes, but he couldn't stay focused. He turned the console off and went back to his room. He stripped down to boxers and a white tank top before flopping down onto his bed and falling asleep in mere minutes on top of the covers. He welcomed a dreamless sleep.
The next morning, Jay offered to make Nate breakfast, but the younger boy opted for only a smoothie. The day after was cut day – better known as hell – and Nate needed to lose fourteen more pounds. He didn't need bacon and pancakes setting him back before he even got started.
Nate went to the gym to do some last minute training with his dad and Ryan, and Jay spent all day drinking and getting high. Night fell quickly, and Nate was so anxious about the fight that 9pm found him lying on his bed in boxer briefs and a sweatshirt with headphones crooning sad music into his ears. He was drifting right on the edge of sleep when suddenly, a weight crashed on top of him. He opened his eyes to see breasts bouncing and dark hair flying.
Nate ripped his headphones off. "Go AWAY, Kacey!" he growled, shoving at her.
"No! Come on." Her voice was breathy as hell as she moaned on top of him, clad only in a red thong. "Seriously, please!"
Nate sat up, ready to argue with her, when the sound of gunshots came from just outside the house. Both Kacey and Nate froze, and then Nate was scrambling up, running like hell. Protect, his brain screeched. Nate rounded the corner and flew out the door, and his eyes landed on Jay. He was completely naked, firing round after round into the body bag they kept by the fence.
"JAY!" Nate shouted. "STOP! Put the fucking gun down!" He ran up to his brother and took him down from behind. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he hissed.
He had Jay in a chokehold for enough time for Kacey to take the gun from where Jay had dropped it. Jay was drunk as hell, laughing and spouting some nonsense about how the body bag was "fucking funny."
Kacey noticed the youngest Kulina silently watching her brothers from the doorway, and she raised a self-conscious arm to cover her naked breasts. Kacey may have been young, but Zoey was even younger. And judging by the smooth way Nate handled the situation, this wasn't the first time something like this had happened at the house. Kacey didn't want to make it worse.
"I was putting him out of his misery," Jay slurred, a wild smile on his face.
Nate let go of his brother, which prompted a huge gasp and a coughing fit from Jay, and stood. "I'm going to Dad's," he fumed, stalking past Kacey and his sister.
"Nate, come on," Jay garbled, still laughing slightly.
"You're such a fucking idiot," Kacey told Jay, her voice biting.
"Babyyyy," Jay replied. "Come over here."
Kacey stared at him a moment, her expression unreadable. "I gotta pee," she finally muttered, walking back into the house. Jay burst into another round of laughter.
Nate exited the house in sweats, his bike by his side.
"Nate," Jay begged. "Nate. Nate-Nate-Nate."
Nate ignored his brother and slammed the gate behind himself.
Zoey could hear sirens approaching, so she slipped through the house and out the back door. She didn't want to be here when the cops came; that would just get Jay in more trouble. She was still a minor, after all.
The only place for her to go was Dad's, too, but the last thing she wanted right then was to run into Nate on her way. She took her time walking slowly through the streets, but it seemed that Nate must have taken the long way to Dad's house, because he was in the kitchen talking to Alvey when Zoey got there, and it sounded like they'd just started.
"Nate. Come on. What the fuck's going on?" Alvey asked.
"Nothing," Nate growled. Zoey heard some shuffling, and then Nate candidly conceded. "Jay's pissed at you and he's being fucking idiot about it, that's what's going on," he seethed. Zoey leaned against the wall of the house, waiting in silence.
"What happened?"
"He got drunk off his ass and started firing his fucking gun. It's the middle of the night. Cops were coming."
"He has a gun?" Alvey asked, and Zoey could practically hear her father's eyebrows creasing together.
"He's always had a gun," Nate stated flatly.
"Hm," Alvey replied. "Where's your sister? Was she there?"
"Fuck, I don't know. She was there, yeah, but he didn't fucking shoot her. I'm sure she's fine. Everybody's fine. Can I go back to bed now?"
Zoey thought that was an interesting way to frame that question. Nate had been in his underwear with a nearly naked girl, and he was requesting to go back to bed?
"Yeah, okay," Alvey answered, but his tone let Zoey know that Nate had already walked past.
Zoey counted to thirty and then let herself in through the sliding glass door as quietly as she could.
"You okay?" Alvey asked from the kitchen table.
Zoey shut her eyes, swearing internally. She nodded and gave her dad a small smile.
"Nate said Jay went psycho again?" Alvey prompted, exaggerating fantastically on what Nate had actually said.
"He was drunk, that's all," Zoey said, always quick to defend Jay to her dad. "It's fine."
"It's fine, Jay's fine, I'm fine, everybody's fine," Alvey echoed, his voice rising slightly. "What is it with you and Nate lately, huh?"
Zoey shrugged noncommittally and left her dad behind with his wine. She treaded quietly up the stairs, not wanting to anger Nate any further. She didn't bother to turn on the light, just slipped off her shoes and climbed under the covers fully dressed.
She couldn't get the image of Jay lying naked in the dirt out of her head on her walk over, and she still couldn't now that she was in bed. He held the family together, but on the nights like tonight when he came apart in pieces… It angered Nate, but it scared Zoey to death. It frightened her to think that maybe Jay wasn't the rock she always used to see him as. He was just a person, just a kid still. Sure, he was 28 years old, but he'd never had a childhood. That's bound to fuck somebody up, even her hero of a big brother.
Zoey burrowed deeper under her blankets, trying to forget. She scratched hard at the inside of her wrist, trying to ground herself. Nearly an hour passed before she gave up and snuck down the hall to the bathroom to take her sharpest pair of scissors to her wrist. She watched the crimson blood bead up and run down her arm, and then she crept back to her room. The whole thing took less than three minutes. When she climbed back into her bed, it was almost immediately that sleep overtook her.
