Broken Wings
CHAPTER 2:
Dean took off his clothes slowly. The fabric matted to his wounds by dried blood pulled and caused him to hiss. A few were painful enough that he had to brace himself against the sink to keep from passing out. Still, the endless pain he had suffered in Hell had been relentless, incomparable and unforgiving. He couldn't sleep, wasn't allowed to, eating and drinking were non-existent yet he felt every hunger pang that roiled his stomach and felt his tongue lick dry, chapped lips. He was even denied blissful unconsciousness when the pain became blinding and had reached his threshold of endurance.
Though he knew that what he was facing now, laying in a bath of holy water, would be a cakewalk compared to everything he had already gone through, he still found himself dreading the prospect. He was weak from trying to get to Sam and Bobby and he hadn't eaten in he didn't know how long so the idea of enduring more pain seemed completely unimaginable, but he knew that Sam and Bobby would need him as whole as he could make himself. All he had been able to determine so far was that he hadn't been possessed, but that didn't mean he wasn't some other kind of freakish demon/human hybrid. Ruby had said that Sam had a bomb inside of him so what did that make him? The human equivalent of a nuclear device? He smiled at the thought, but it quickly faded. His biting sarcasm seemed to have become a casualty in his return back. He didn't feel it in him anymore.
He had felt both Bobby's and Sam's disappointment that he wasn't acting like the Dean he had been before. Fact was he wasn't that Dean anymore. He knew it and felt it. That Dean was dead. He had his memories, his training, and gratefully his love for Sam, but beyond that, he felt empty, purposeless. He knew that he wanted to help them. He hoped with everything in him that whatever he had come back as, it would be something useful to them and the war.
He thought back to Azazel's taunt about Sam not being 100 Sam and had to laugh at it now. He didn't have to worry about Sam. He was the one to worry about now. That thought brought him back to his nightmare only he knew it hadn't been a nightmare. It had really happened. The threat had actually been made. At the time, he had resigned himself to being helpless to stop them, but then he suddenly found himself back on terra firma from the bowels of Hell and he didn't know how or who had brought him back.
He felt wasted, wrung out like a dirty rag that was meant for the trash. He couldn't imagine what good he could do for them or for the war, but his emerging abilities were hard to ignore and he had to hope that he could control them or even more importantly that they wouldn't be turned against Sam and Bobby. In the end, the one thing that was still evident was that he was a soldier in a war that needed winning, brought back from the dead to, hopefully, save humanity or in his mind, Sam and Bobby. His feelings for them were unchanged even if everything else had. They needed him and he wasn't going to let them down if he could help it.
He had finally taken off all of his clothes and faced the tub of holy water. He took in a deep breath and began to slowly immerse himself. He jerked, hissed and grunted, his breathing becoming quick and labored. The purifying water seared into his wounds, burning everything evil from within them. The water then got to the worst of his injuries, the ones on his torso and chest and the pain became blinding and white hot. The water seeped into his bones, his veins and arteries, his organs and every cell in his body rebelled in pain. No amount of will power or courage could keep the screams at bay. In a sick flashback, he had remembered every scrape and bite the hellhound had inflicted on him.
Once fully immersed, he gripped the sides of the tub with white knuckles and he couldn't keep back his cries. They echoed in the bathroom. There was no echo in Hell. He arched in the tub, spilling some of the water onto the floor. He clenched his eyes closed and twisted with the pain that radiated throughout his body. His screams then turned into sobs. Memories began to ebb and flow through his mind. He suddenly found himself missing his mom and dad so much. His love for his family and especially for Sam had never diminished, even in Hell. It was that love that had kept him going. Sometimes it even amazed him how much strength it gave him in the worst of times.
As the holy water bubbled, steam rose from the heat of the dissolving hellhound evil that had been carved into his wounds. He watched as his flesh and bone healed, as his wounds began to seal up miraculously without the need for sutures or bandages. The pain was slowly easing enough where Dean could stop screaming and just moan. He didn't think everything would be healed when all was said and done. His soul had been irrevocably touched and marred from being in Hell. There was no cure for that.
Dean had lost all track of time. There wasn't a clock in Bobby's bathroom, but he knew that whatever healing could be done, had been done. Exhaustion filled every pore of his body, but he slowly eased himself out of the tub, dried himself off with a nearby towel then put on the bathrobe that was hanging on the door hook. Bending down to empty it, he felt a wave of dizziness hit him. He closed his eyes then braced himself against the tub, adding insult to injury, a feeling of nausea gripped him and he dry heaved. Once his empty stomach had stopped convulsing, he took in some deep breaths to steady himself. He uttered an exhausted moan then released the water. It was red from his blood and he didn't want Bobby or Sam to see it. Once it had been drained, he rinsed what he could out then unlocked the bathroom door.
He walked unsteadily out and wasn't surprised to see Sam and Bobby waiting for him. He had to lean against the doorframe for a moment and both of them reached out to help him. He found it in him to smile at their devotion to him. He was lucky. He had the best on his side. With them there, he truly believed they could win the war.
"Dean? You okay?" Sam asked, first to guide him back to the couch.
"Yeh, yeh, it's done. I'm as good as I'm ever going to get for now. Did you keep any of my clothes?"
Sam bowed his head in embarrassment.
"I…I kept hoping –"
"Good thing. Nice to know you didn't give everything away to Goodwill or something," Dean tiredly joked. It wasn't exactly like what he used to say and though he didn't completely feel it, he knew he had to find a little of his humor to reassure Sam, Bobby and maybe himself too that there was still something left of the old Dean in him.
Sam smiled and Dean knew it had been worth it.
"I'll get the bag from the trunk."
Sam left with a renewed spring in his step. Dean looked over at Bobby.
"You don't have to pretend with me, son," Bobby said with an understanding that made Dean feel better. "No matter what happens, it's still good to have you back."
"Thanks."
Once Sam was back with the bag, they went into the bedroom and with Sam's help, Dean got dressed. Dean's lack of resistance to Sam's help was discouraging for Sam. Dean fighting back was Sam's way of knowing that he was still Dean, but now, he had to face what Bobby had said, that Dean may not be the same man he had been before. Still, in the end, it didn't matter to Sam. Dean was back and here with them and he had seen that deep down, where it had counted, Dean was still his hero, the man who would do anything to save anyone in danger, especially him and Bobby.
When Dean tried to stand again, he knew he had to accept that his body wasn't ready to take on all the evil in the world just yet and he sat back down again, bracing himself against Sam.
"Why don't you get some sleep, okay? As much as you need. I'll wake you when it's time to eat something."
"Okay, Sammy," Dean said without arguing or putting up a fight like always used to do as he lay back down on the bed, took in a few deep breaths and fell instantly asleep.
Sam left the room to give Dean some peace and Bobby was waiting with a beer in his hand. He handed it to him and Sam sat down into a nearby chair.
"You're right, Bobby. Dean's not the same."
"Sam, give him some time. He may never be the Dean he was before, but I know that the evil in Hell didn't destroy his goodness. In that way, he's still the Dean we know."
"I know. I'm just glad that he's back at all, but I'm afraid for Dean. I'm worried that he doesn't want to be here, that he doesn't want to keep on fighting anymore. I'm afraid that he's barely hanging on and only hanging on for me. I don't know how to give him the will to live."
"You already do, Sam. Just by being alive, you give him the strength he needs to keep going."
"But will that be enough, Bobby? And is it fair of me to keep him here?"
"What do you mean?"
"Maybe I should tell him that it's okay if he wants to walk away from everything, from us?"
"You know that he won't do that, maybe even can't do it. He was brought back for a reason and he knows it. You've seen the powers he's been given. Maybe he's back to help us fight this war, to destroy Lillith. I don't know, but he knows that his being back isn't a coincidence and he won't walk away from that."
"It just seems unfair that he has to keep on giving. Hasn't he given enough?"
"I have to be glad that no matter what the reason, he's out of Hell and I hope for good. The rest we'll have to figure out."
Sam nodded.
oooo
Dean struggled with his bonds to no avail, the hook in his shoulder shifted with every move, even with every breath he took. Exhaustion had a whole new meaning in Hell. His body and mind were begging for rest, but a stronger power prevented them peace.
As he swung painfully, he heard a distant voice calling to him. It was distinctly feminine and at first, he wondered who would be calling his name in Hell. Then he went rigid with fear, what if Meg and yellow-eyes were returning?
When the voice got louder, he saw someone else chained as he was slowly appear in front of him. It was then that he had recognized her. His first reaction was anger, but seeing her suffering as he was, he couldn't hold it. She had been a victim too, maybe a not so innocent one, but just as seduced as he had been for reasons only she knew. She was crying.
"Bela," Dean said.
"Dean…" Bela said, taking in a painful breath.
He saw that her hellhound had not spared her from its brutal attack. Blood covered her body as well, her wounds just as gaping and merciless as his were. He couldn't find it in him to hate her now.
"What are you doing here?" Dean asked indifferently.
"I don't exactly know…but I felt your presence and believe it or not, when I did, I suddenly needed to talk to you so I called out to you. I was then brought here. I wanted to have a chance to set something right before I…well, who knows."
Dean nodded, "You don't have to say anything."
"I know and if you don't want to listen, I'll understand…I haven't earned that right from you and I'm not doing this to help myself. Like you said, too late for that. I made my choice, but I guess I needed you to know why I made my deal. I didn't have the courage to tell you that night and rather have had you hate me than pity me."
Dean looked at her and for the first time he saw a sincerity that had never been there in life.
"You don't have to believe me, I won't ask you to, but for whatever reason, I was brought here and I just needed you to know why I made my deal," Bela grimaced in pain and again, Dean could only feel sympathy for her. "You see, my parents…my father, he…he would come into my room and…"
Dean took in a shocked breath as he made the connection. She had been abused as a child.
"You don't have to –"
"I know, but maybe I'll find some kind of peace from knowing you know. You see, no one knew…except Lillith, I suppose. I didn't tell anyone. I was always a bitch…didn't think anyone could care about someone like me after what my father had done to me so I figured why should I care what others thought of me…my mum, she just stood by and let it happen. She even took his side…"
Dean listened shock and horror written on his face over how any parent could treat a child like that. It made him appreciate his parents all the more. Sure, their life wasn't perfect, their father wasn't a saint, but he had never abused them. He had punished himself more, but even in his worst drunken bouts, he had never hurt them, not on purpose. He had loved them.
"I'm sorry, Bela," Dean said, his voice filled with sincerity.
"I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I don't deserve it," Bela said, her eyes filled with tears. "I just needed to tell you that and that I'm sorry for everything I've done and didn't do for you and Sam. Unlike you, I deserve to be here. I know that now."
"No, you-"
"Yes, I do. I made a deal to have my parents killed and didn't feel a twinge of regret and lived my life hurting others before they could hurt me like they had. I did nothing good for the world and I helped take away someone who was. I'm sorry, Dean. For once, I'm really and truly sorry."
"It's okay, Bela," Dean said. "I believe you."
Then suddenly, shockingly, he watched, as Bela was pulled apart by her bonds. He heard her scream as her limbs were ripped from her body and her torso fell away into nothingness, her screams following it. Dean took in ragged breaths at the horror of witnessing someone he knew being destroyed like that. It terrified him. Was that going to be his fate? Why hadn't it happened already?
oooo
Dean sprang up from the bed; raggedly breathing, sweat coating his skin, his heart trying to beat out of his chest. He tried calming himself down and laid back down on the bed. He was grateful that Sam or Bobby hadn't heard anything. It gave him a chance to pull himself back together.
His thoughts strayed to Bela. He had hated her since the moment she had entered their lives, contemplated killing her at least a couple of times, especially when she had shot at Sam, but he had misjudged her, not that she had helped to have herself be understood, but still, there had always been a haunted quality about her that maybe he should have spotted. In the end, it hadn't mattered. She had sealed her fate like he had. In that way, they were the same. That he had seen her in Hell and that she would tell him how sorry she was for all she had done, it had changed his view of her. Her fate at the end still brought a chill. He knew that there would more in store for her for an eternity and that thought had saddened him. Maybe he would see her again in Hell or maybe as a demon back on Earth. Maybe he'd see her again in the war and would have to actually kill her. He had decided that, if he ever did see her again, he would take her out of her misery. He wouldn't exorcize her back to Hell as he had done others in the past. He wanted to give her peace in whatever way he could. She had suffered enough in her own way.
Though he still felt tired, it was a weariness that he knew would never fully leave him. He stood up and tested his newly healed body. He felt better and as normal as he could be for now. He needed to find out what had happened to him and why he was back. The nightmares were all recollections from his time in Hell and he wondered if maybe at some point, he would recall why he had been sent back. Until then, he had to help Sam and Bobby figure out what to do next, to create the best battle plan they could with the knowledge they did have.
He emerged from the bedroom and entered the living room where Bobby and Sam were talking. Bobby was the first to spot him and smiled.
"How you feeling?" He asked.
"Better. I just couldn't sleep anymore. I need to catch up on being gone for two years." Dean said. "Do you still have Ruby's knife?"
"Yeh, we do. We've been doing our best to take down as many demons as we can with it, but it's been slow. Lillith has been keeping herself under the radar since…" Sam said, still hurting every time he recalled Dean's death.
"Sam, I know it's going to be hard on you, but I need to know what happened after I died. I mean, my last thoughts of that night were that she was going to kill you like she had Henricksen," Dean said, his voice cracking slightly at the thought.
Sam hesitated telling Dean what had happened, fearing that Dean would think that he had gone darkside, but he knew he couldn't withhold the information from him. He needed to know everything.
"Sam?" Dean prodded. "You can tell me."
"She did try to flash fry me like she had Hendriksen, but for whatever reason, it didn't work. I tried to kill her, but she managed to leave Ruby's body before I could gank her with the knife."
Dean sensed Sam's feeling that he had failed by letting her get away. He was worried Dean would wonder about what had stopped him.
"You didn't fail, Sam. She's a tricky bitch. She'll be back. I'm just glad she didn't kill you," Dean said sensing Sam's apprehension.
Sam looked at Dean and realized how much he had missed his brother's confidence in him for the last two years.
"What about Ruby?" Dean asked.
"Gone. We burned her body, but far as we know, she hasn't come back in another one," Bobby added.
Dean nodded.
"Bobby, can I talk to Sam alone for a minute?"
Bobby grinned, nodded and left the room. Dean looked over at Sam.
"Sammy, sit down."
They both did in chairs facing opposite each other.
"I need you to know that I'm proud of you," Dean started.
"Dean…"
"I know it's been a rough two years –"
"It's been a lot worse for you, " Sam said.
"This isn't about me, this is about you. I know that you've been worried about what yellow eyes told you, about what Ruby told you, that you're this powerful and dangerous ticking time bomb," Dean paused. "I know you think that I have my doubts about you, that the real reason I didn't want you to have Ruby teach you how to tap your power was because I was afraid you'd become a monster."
Sam rubbed his hands together nervously and looked away, embarrassed.
"But Sam, I need you to believe me when I tell you that I have never doubted that you could handle yourself. You're the strongest willed person I know. It was never about trusting you. It was about trusting them. What I said then was the truth. I didn't want you to be a martyr like Dad and I were. I wanted you to live, to live as Sam Winchester, as Dad's son, as my little brother, not as some demon's ideal leader."
Dean stood up and walked over towards a window. He looked out, letting the sun's rays warm his face. He hadn't realized how much he had missed that feeling.
"When I came back and saw you, alive, I was…" Dean trailed off. "In Hell, all I could think about was how I had left you behind to face Lillith alone. I was just as afraid of the idea that you'd be dead or worse as I was of going to Hell."
Dean was feeling his emotions break and he had to take in a breath. He turned back to face Sam.
"It was worth everything, Sam. I know I won't be able to convince you of that, but it was. You're here. For two years, you've fought for not only yourself, but for humanity too and stayed true to who you are. That's how Dad taught us to fight and you lived it."
Dean spoke the words with a sincere broad smile, the first one he was able to muster since coming back.
"You have no idea how hard it was to go on without you," Sam said, his voice soft and sad.
"Believe me, I do. I'm not saying it was easy for you, but you did go on. That's all that matters."
"Dean?" Sam said sensing something in his brother that scared him.
"Yeh?"
"You're not leaving us again, are you?"
"Honestly, I don't know, Sam, but I do know I was brought back for a reason. I just don't know what that reason is yet. I can't make any promises because I don't know what's going to happen, but I wanted you to know that I will fight for you for as long as I'm here, however long that is."
"What about you?"
"Fighting for you is everything to me. When nothing else makes sense to me that does. What I can promise you is that I won't be a martyr again. No more deals. That stops with me."
Sam looked into Dean's eyes and felt the love that was still there for him. It warmed him.
"Are we good?" Dean asked.
"Yeh, yeh, we're good."
Dean nodded and smiled. A warmth filled his chest and he clung to it for as long as he could. It was a reminder of how much he still loved his little brother.
oooo
Bobby brought out the same invention he had used the last time to locate Lillith and placed it over another map.
"For the last 2 years, this thing hasn't moved a muscle so I can't guarantee we'll get anything now," Bobby said.
Dean watched and a sudden shiver went up his spine.
"We will," Dean said cryptically.
Bobby and Sam both looked over at Dean.
"I can't explain it, but she knows I'm back. She'll come out of the woodwork now," Dean said seriously.
The pendulum began to swing without Bobby having to utter the same incantation he had before and it startled them, except for Dean who knew it was going to move.
"Did you-" Bobby asked.
"No, something's telling us where she is," Dean said, an eerie calm in his voice. "I don't know who."
The point stopped and when Bobby looked, his face went dead pale. Dean looked down at the map and didn't flinch.
"What? What is it?" Sam asked, feeling like he was out of some kind of supernatural loop.
"She's in the next town," Bobby said and looked up at Dean. "Does she know we're coming?"
"Not yet, but the closer I get to her, she'll know," Dean said.
"You mean we, right? We're going after her together, right?" Sam insisted, his question more of a statement, fear running through his body that Dean would go off half-cocked and on his own just to protect them.
"Not yet. It's too risky."
"Risky? Dean, she's probably got a whole army surrounding her like last time and you're planning on going in alone. THAT'S risky," Sam argued.
Dean looked up at Sam, a cold look on his face.
"She knows it's between me and her now," he said.
"No, no, she knows she can't hurt me. She failed the last time so you need me there. I can protect you," Sam argued.
Dean smiled gravely at his scared baby brother.
"Sam, you don't know how you stopped her. Honestly, I don't know either, but knowing that she can't stop you makes me feel better about going it alone. She can't kill you, but, Sam, you can't kill her either. I know it. I don't know how I know it, but I do. You know it too."
"No, I just screwed up the last time. I wasn't fast enough. The knife will kill her."
"When she couldn't kill you, she left Ruby's body so she could regroup. She knew she was screwed. Now, she's back and she's different. That knife won't stop her. Not anymore than the goofer dust stopped her from crossing over the doorway the last time. I don't even think holy water will work on her."
"Are you saying she's more powerful?" Bobby asked.
"No, not more powerful…call it more fine tuned."
"What do you mean?" Sam asked.
"Like I said, she knows I'm back. I think she's been waiting for me. I think she knows it's me she has to get past to get to you, to win the war and to be the demon leader."
"What? How? Why?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know? You know she knows you're here and you know she's different somehow yet you don't know why she's back and gunning for you?" Sam said angrily.
"Sam –" Bobby said trying to keep Sam calm.
"It's okay, Bobby. I can't help it, Sammy. Whatever I'm back as, I'm getting this intell on a need-to-know basis, just enough information to know what to do for the moment, nothing more. I'll probably get more when I head her way."
"No, no, you're NOT doing this alone, damn it," Sam insisted again.
"Sam, you have to trust me on this. The only way to find out her plan is for me to face her down."
"Wasn't it you who said that if we can't go in smart, we shouldn't go in at all? Well, this sure feels like the absolute stupidest thing we could ever do," Sam said, hoping to throw Dean's words back at him.
"Probably, but the only way we're going to learn anything is to hear it from her direct and she's only going to give it up if I face her."
"Demons lie, Dean. What makes her any different?"
Sam and Bobby gave him a look of concern.
"Please, trust me on this, I have to go," Dean evaded as he began to turn to leave.
Sam grabbed Dean's arm and stopped him. His face was a whirlwind of struggling to stay calm and yet being just a whisper away from crying.
"Not without Bobby and me. We'll go with whatever your plan is when we get there, but we have to go with you. Dean, man, I can't just sit here not knowing what's happening to you there, not anymore than you could if it were me. Don't ask me to do that, please. If you're worried that if you can't stop her, she'll go after me, like you said, she can't hurt me. If you're trying to protect me from whatever might happen to you, I've been through the worst possible pain I could ever live through and though I barely made it, I did and truth here, I'd rather be there than think you died again alone this time. That would be worse, Dean. You don't have to protect me anymore."
Dean looked into his little brother's eyes and found his own filling with tears. He saw the pleading in Sam's eyes and understood. He knew he couldn't convince him not to go. Even if Sam had agreed to stay behind, he'd just follow Dean. Better to know where he was.
"Okay, Sammy. Guess you got me there. Let's go," Dean said, his voice filled with a hushed pride and determination.
Sam and Bobby smiled in unison as they began packing to face Lillith together. Dean took in a breath and closed his eyes. He felt her presence and it brought another shiver.
oooo
TO BE CONTINUED
