CHAPTER 2

He made it home for Christmas, but just barely. Almost the moment the door closed behind him at Kid and Lou's, a terrible snowstorm began and didn't let up for almost four days. Fortunately Teaspoon lived on Kid's property, so he was able to join them for the holiday festivities, but Buck and his family, and Rachel and her husband, weren't able to get out of their houses until well after Christmas.

It wasn't bad, really, being snowed in. Lou insisted that Teaspoon stay in the house instead of heading back to his own little place to ride out the storm alone, so the house was full, and thanks to the children, especially merry. Lou and Stella fixed all sorts of treats, so the house always smelled good, and with four children running around things stayed lively and noisy, which as far as they were all concerned, was just how Christmas was supposed to be. When the worst of the storm had let up, there were snowball fights and snowmen, and then hot chocolate for afterward. And at night, after all the little ones were in bed, Lou, Kid, Teaspoon, Cody, and Stella would build a fire and pop popcorn and stay up late, talking and laughing long into the night.

Apart from the absence of Buck and Rachel and their families, it was just about as perfect as anyone could've hoped for, and Cody couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so happy and content. He was warm and well-fed and surrounded by his family, all of them tucked away in their own little world, untouched by the outside. And always, of course, there was Stella.

It was like old times, only instead of ganging up to tease Jimmy, they teased Kid and Teaspoon, and sometimes, when they were feeling brave, Lou. They baked together, both of them wearing Stella's aprons. They took turns telling the others stories about their years with Jimmy, when it was just the three of them. They made each other laugh. At night Stella would sit next to Cody on the couch, and when she fell asleep, her head soft and heavy on his shoulder, he would carry her up to her room. It felt warm and intimate, and by the end of the first week Cody realized maybe it felt too warm and intimate, as if he was trying to take Jimmy's place and Stella was letting him. He didn't like that feeling, and suddenly he felt a whole lot less happy and content.

He was pretty sure he was maintaining a front of good cheer, but naturally he was proved wrong, and of course it was by Teaspoon.

Everyone else had gone to Rachel's for supper. Teaspoon had developed a cold, so he begged off, and Cody decided to stay behind as well, telling everyone he needed to get things ready for his departure. In truth, he knew he needed to be away from Stella, away from her smile and her sweetness, and the strange and terrible things she was doing to his peace of mind.

He was packing things into his knapsack when he heard a sniffle and a cough from behind him. Teaspoon stood in the doorway, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, a wilted handkerchief held to his nose. "You're sure in a hurry to leave us," he commented mildly, blowing into the handkerchief with a loud trumpeting blow.

Cody turned back to the bed. "I just thought I'd be prepared. Early start and all."

"You know, Rachel was plannin' on makin' roast and potatoes. Your favorite. She'll be awful disappointed you didn't come."

"I ain't really hungry," Cody replied, his tone vague.

Teaspoon didn't comment. He crossed the room and drew aside the curtains, peering outside with exaggerated curiosity.

"Teaspoon, what are you doin'?"

"Just checkin' the sky for flyin' pigs," he replied. "Never thought I'd hear the words 'I ain't hungry' come out of your lips."

"Ha ha," Cody commented witheringly. "Cody eats like a hog, yeah, I get it."

Teaspoon turned to gaze at him, surprised. "That's a fair bit of hostility for a little bit of teasin'."

"Yeah well, I been hearin' it my whole life, Teaspoon. I got a big mouth, a big appetite, and I fall in love at the drop of a hat. Did I miss anything?" Cody shoved his last shirt into the knapsack and sank down onto the bed. He didn't look at Teaspoon.

Teaspoon was quiet, except for another quick honk into his kerchief. Cody shuddered. That kerchief was looking decidedly the worse for wear by now.

"I guess you're right, son. I'm still teasin' you like the boy you was, instead of acknowledging the man you are."

Cody sighed. "It ain't that, Teaspoon. Just…nothing. Don't pay me any mind."

Teaspoon sneezed. He wiped his nose again. Glancing down at the kerchief, he observed, "Now that is gross. I really gotta get me a clean one of these." Then, to Cody, "This wouldn't have nothin' to do with a certain pretty-eyed young widow we got livin' under this roof now, would it?"

Cody felt himself freeze up. His heart rate accelerated and pure panic set it, but he tried to be as nonchalant as he could as he answered, "I'm not sure what you mean."

"Son." Teaspoon sounded amused. "I've known you since you was eighteen years old and shootin' your mouth off more'n you shot your gun. You don't fool me, so you'd best stop trying."

It was on the tip of Cody's tongue to say more, to confess everything, but shame and remorse stopped him. He didn't have any right to feel what he felt, let alone to acknowledge it. If he said the words aloud, that would make it real, and it couldn't be real. He wouldn't let it be real.

"Son," Teaspoon said again, kindly this time, "you got feelings for the gal. It's written all over your face. I admit I didn't see it right off, but once I did I couldn't believe I'd missed it."

"I don't… Uh, I don't know what you're talkin' about." Cody could feel the catch in his throat threatening to break. He cleared it away and ignored Teaspoon's gaze.

When Teaspoon spoke again his voice was so gentle and understanding that it made Cody want to howl like the eighteen-year-old boy he'd once been, the one who'd let his emotions bubble to the surface and didn't care who knew it. He missed that boy, but he wasn't him anymore. "Ah, Cody. Lie to anyone else on God's green earth, but don't lie to me."

"Teaspoon, I… She's Jimmy's wife," Cody said helplessly.

"Yes." Teaspoon wiped his nose.

"She's not over him."

"No," sighed Teaspoon.

"It'll be a long time before she is, if she ever is. She could never…she could never love me like she loved him. Jimmy was ten times the man I am—"

"None of that now. That's nonsense," barked Teaspoon.

"It's the truth," retorted Cody. "Y'all don't know, you weren't there. Jimmy was always a good man, but those last years, everything he and I went through together, the things we saw, the rough times we had, it all just—just made him better. And especially after Stella… I don't know, Teaspoon, she sorta… polished him up, refined him, without even tryin'. And I don't mean she refined him like she made him wear a frock coat and read Shakespeare. I mean she… She brought out the best in him, what was already there, what we already saw but he didn't see himself." Cody broke off to finally meet Teaspoon's eyes. "I wish y'all could've known that Jimmy, the way Stella and I did. It's the regret of my life that we had to live so far away for so long. You lost those last years with Jimmy, and boy, Teaspoon," Cody said, smiling in remembrance, "those were the best years of all."

"I regret those years too, Cody," Teaspoon admitted. "We would've liked to have you with us, sure, but it was a real comfort to know you boys and Stella were doin' so well, that you were happy and doin' good deeds. It's still a comfort." Sitting next to Cody on the bed, the older man nudged Cody's shoulder with his own. "All this ain't addressing the little problem we was just discussing."

"There's no problem and there's nothin' to discuss." Cody was done with the topic. He felt irritable. He wished Teaspoon would drop it.

"Just another one of your passin' fancies, I guess?" ventured Teaspoon, watching Cody intently.

The words, the casual assumption that this was nothing more than his fickle heart at play once more, cut Cody to the quick in a way he hadn't expected. He was thirty-five years old, deep in love with a woman who still belonged to his best friend, but to the family he would always be the impish boy chasing every skirt that wandered by.

"Yeah. Sure, Teaspoon. I reckon that's all it is."

After a long pause, Teaspoon said in that same peculiar voice, "That's what I figured. Best not to say anything to the girl, then. She don't need more burden on her shoulders than she's already got."

"I reckon you're right, Teaspoon," said Cody, and he walked out of the room.


It was Kid who confronted him next. Everyone had gone to bed and the two of them were left behind with Buck to watch over the waning fire. They had been discussing Kid's plans for the upcoming spring, his hopes for the expansion of his little home, the animals he planned to buy, the trip he hoped to take with Lou. Buck was full of plans as well. He was considering buying the property that neighbored him to the east, and he wanted to take Rebecca and the baby back to his people, to have his new son blessed with his Kiowa name.

"So what are your plans, Cody?" Kid asked.

They'd laced the hot cider Rachel had made with some of Teaspoon's rum and they all seemed to be feeling pretty relaxed. Buck's head was lolling around on the back of the sofa and Kid had his booted feet on Lou's prized cushions, which would definitely not have been allowed had she been present.

"My plans?" Cody repeated lazily.

"Your plans," repeated Buck. "You can't be wanderin' around forever, can you? I mean, you're only under contract to the Army, you ain't enlisted anymore. Aren't you ready to settle down?"

Cody considered Buck's words for a moment. He stared into the bottom of his cider mug. He wasn't sure how to tell his friends, his happily settled friends, that no, he wasn't ready to settle down. The idea had never held much attraction for him, and now that he was almost thirty-six years old, he doubted it ever would.

"Yeah," agreed Kid. He sat up, warming to the subject. "I mean, we ain't kids anymore, Cody. All this travelin' and being shuffled from place to place—I mean, don't it ever get old? Don't you get tired of it? Don't you ever want more?"

A little miffed at Kid's presumptuous tone, Cody said, "Well, actually, now that you mention it, no. I don't."

Buck raised an eyebrow. "No?"

"I like my life. I've always liked it. It's what I liked about workin' for the Express in the first place—the excitement, the uncertainty, the adventure. I know y'all got tired of it, but…that's you, not me." Cody leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees. He shrugged at his friends. "It ain't a life for everybody, and maybe it won't be forever, but for me, for now, it is." He looked at each of them in turn. "Jimmy liked it too, you know. And Stella."

At the mention of Stella's name, he saw his friends exchange a glance but Cody pretended to ignore it. "I appreciate your concern, I do, but I'm…happy." 'Happy' was too strong a word, maybe, but it made his point better than 'content' ever would.

Kid sighed. He said, sincerely, "I'm sorry, Cody, I didn't mean to rile you. We're all just concerned—Rachel too, and Lou and Teaspoon. You say you're happy, but you just don't seem like you are, so we all thought maybe you were gettin' tired of this life. We thought maybe you'd want more."

"Well, your definition of 'more' might be different from mine, Kid. There's stuff I want, sure, but I do like my life, and I reckon that's pretty good to be startin' with." Cody downed the last of his cider and grimaced at how cold it was.

"So you don't have any, uh, plans?"

Cody tilted his head, watching Buck curiously. His friend seemed to be asking more than he was actually saying. "I got some ideas, but I wouldn't say I got any plans. You know I've never been much of a planner," he grinned. "Don't you worry about me, none. William F Cody always comes out on top." He set his mug down on the table with a bang and hoped that would be the end of this discussion. Yawning, he stood to go, but before he did, Kid spoke again.

"It's close to a year now since Jimmy died." Kid's tone attempted for casual, and he was nonchalantly studying the pattern of the living room rug, but Cody wasn't fooled for a minute.

He tensed up. "Yes. It is."

"It's been a hard time, especially for Stella. And you," Kid said, looking at Cody at last.

Cody moved restlessly, but didn't sit down. "It's been a hard time for all of us. What's your point, Kid?"

"Maybe, if you stayed, you two could help each other," Buck said, when Kid seemed unable to form the right words.

"We try, Cody, I swear we do," said Kid, "and most of the time Stella seems to be doin' all right. But the only times she really lights up, the only times she's her old self, are the times when you're here. I don't think we're enough for her. I think she needs you."

"She just needs time, that's all. It hasn't even been a year. God a'mighty, you got to give her time, Kid. She's not gonna be sunshine and daisies and skippin' through the streets after just a year."

Kid's temper flared and he gave Cody a hard look. "That ain't what I'm sayin', and you know it. We are doin' our best, and I just don't think it's enough."

"Stella hardly knew us when she came here, Cody," interjected Buck. He spoke low and deliberately, and both his friends knew he was trying to lessen the tension that had begun to permeate the room. "She'd seen us a handful of times when you left her here—"

"I did not leave her here. I brought her here. I did it because I thought it was best for her. Don't say I left her here, like she was nothin', like I treated her like nothin'."

Cody's fierce tone took both the other men aback. Then Buck said, "You know that's not what I meant. I know you did what you thought was best, and I don't think it's hurt her any, but it's…it's not what she needs. She needs you, Cody. I think she cares for us, and God knows we care for her, but I…I think she feels we're Jimmy's family, not hers."

"You don't know that," Cody said, but his voice sounded weak to his own ears. He suspected there was truth in what his friends were saying, even if they were only guessing. He'd seen the fleeting glimpses of reserve in Stella's eyes, the smile she wore that was not her real smile. She was warm and friendly with everyone, but she held herself back in a way that was so unlike the woman he'd once known.

Sinking back down onto the sofa, he drew a deep breath, looking helplessly at his friends. "I can't stay."

"You're her family, Cody," Buck insisted.

"I don't want to be her family," barked Cody. Their startled faces gave him pause. "I mean—" he began, but realized that he couldn't find the words. "I just can't stay, all right? I got a life, and I love y'all, but right now it don't include Rock Creek. Stella's got no people. She needs you. Jimmy made me promise I'd take care of her if the worst happened, and this way I can do right by him. This way we can all do right by him."

When he looked back up, Cody saw Kid and Buck exchange another look, one that was almost a silent conversation in itself. They seemed to come to some understanding, because almost simultaneously they both nodded, and then Kid said, "All right, Cody. All right. If this is what you feel is best."


Cody left on New Year's Day. He had taken the train this time, and his departure was actually at a decent hour, but it had begun to snow again, so once more he tried to discourage the family from seeing him off.

"I'm startin' to feel positively unwanted," grumbled Lou. "We used to see each other off all the time."

"Yeah. The words 'ride safe' mean anything to you?" Buck added good-naturedly.

"It's too damn cold out there. I don't want no one freezin' on my account. Kid can drive me, and that's it. I don't mind too much if he freezes his behind off."

Stella had been in bed with Teaspoon's nasty cold since yesterday, which had given Cody a neat excuse to avoid her further, but he knew the jig was up now. He would have to face her and say goodbye, and moreover he'd have to do it in the intimate setting of her bedroom. It was a thought he did not relish.

"Stella?" he said, knocking faintly at her door, hoping she might be asleep instead and he could slip out like the coward he was.

But Stella beckoned him to come in. When he did he found her lying in bed, wrapped in a heavy sweater and every spare blanket Lou had been able to find. She was reading and held a handkerchief to her nose as she did. Her vivid blue eyes were dulled from the sickness, and watery, and her nose was red, and Cody knew he must really love her, because as a rule he liked women clean and pretty, and here she was looking like something the cat had drug in, and his heart still throbbed at the sight of her.

"Hey, Billy," she said with a smile, setting her book aside. She reached out a hand to him, then thought better of it. "Ugh. You probably shouldn't touch me, actually. I don't want you to catch anything before your trip."

"I just came to say goodbye, Stells."

"I know." She paused. "Do you really have to go? Can't you stay?"

"You know I would if I could." Not entirely truthful, but not really a lie, he supposed.

"I know, I know. You got to get back to your excitin' life, I get it." Stella's smile didn't quite reach her eyes, but Cody appreciated the effort. "Write me and tell me all about your travels. I live for your letters. It's almost as good as bein' there."

Knowing her as well as he did, Cody recognized the wistfulness in her voice and her eyes. He sat down on the bed next to her feet. "Do you miss it?"

"Sometimes." She met his eye and admitted, "All the time."

"You know I'd take you with me if I could." And he would, but that was one mighty big 'if' they were talking about, and an 'if' not likely to ever happen.

"I know. Don't worry about me, all right? I'll be fine."

Cody grinned. "I think we had this conversation the last time I was here."

"We did, didn't we?" she said with a laugh.

"Now's the part where you tell me to stay away from certain womanly wiles," he urged.

Stella rolled her eyes. "Like that advice has ever worked. I might as well save my breath."

"I'm a lost cause, huh?"

Cody loved the way Stella's face softened, and the way she placed a soft, warm hand on his leg, and said, "Never," in as fierce a tone as he'd ever heard from her. There was so much love in her words, in the smile she gave him, that it shot right through him, warming him from the inside out, making him feel a dizzying rush of something that might've been hope.

It was on the tip of his tongue to tell her he loved her, right then and there. "I'll wait for you," he wanted to say. "Even if you could never love me the way you loved Jimmy, if you think you can ever love me at all, I'll wait for you."

But of course, that was ridiculous. He had only to sweep his eyes around the room to remind himself of that. There was a photograph of Jimmy on the bedside table, and across the room hung a large photograph of Jimmy and Stella on their wedding day. The sweater Stella wore he recognized as one of Jimmy's, and the hand she rested on his knee bore her wedding ring. Jimmy had claimed her for always, which was as it should be.

"I should really go," Cody said. It was an effort not to betray his disappointment and self-pity, but he did his best. He raised Stella's hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles. He held her hand just a fraction too long, staring at her, memorizing once more the lines and curves of her face. Her beloved face.

Then he said goodbye, and left the room, and boarded a train to leave Rock Creek, and went home and told himself to get over this, and get past it, whatever it took.