AN: Thank you everyone for your kind reviews and story/author alerts. I very much appreciate it and it aids my motivation! :-) I am also still a couple of parts ahead, hence the quick update. I'm hoping it continues!
To those that mentioned the angst/sadness (librarynerd, Slyone41, chawkchik, devotedfan), it continues…but I assure all that it won't be forever. Or perhaps I should say 'it won't be every part'. :-)
Funkyshaz – as always, love your reviews. You're awesome. I'll make up for the angst in other ways as things progress, I promise! Thanks for reading even though it's not your favourite genre!
And to the others, thanks again. I hope you continue to enjoy.
On to…
(PS...sorry about the editing...silly upload dramas. Should be fixed)
Part 2.
Home was not surprisingly, exactly how they left it; Sofia's half dressed dolls scattered in the corner of the lounge room, their hair in messy plaits and ties. A few rogue balls were littered throughout the apartment, a blue one under the coffee table and a bright green one next to the one potted plant they had managed to keep alive. Breakfast dishes were still in the sink and milk splatters on the bench top. Nothing remarkable, nothing changed.
They barely spoke as they entered their building and padded through the apartment, both seemingly lost in their own thoughts. Callie was elsewhere entirely, her mind slowed with a post anaesthetic haze and tiredness, each notion that crept into her consciousness distant and unprocessed. Arizona was constantly managing a barrage of feelings and thoughts, jumping from one practicality to the next; too many of them to actually prioritise the essential from the unnecessary.
Indicating towards their bedroom and releasing Arizona's hand as she stepped over some building blocks, Callie said, "Shower."
Arizona just nodded and smiled, waiting until she heard the toilet flush and shower start running before working her way through cleaning the kitchen and living areas. Stopping wasn't an option, so she quickly went from one mess to the next. Her processing focussed solely on Callie, as she mentally ticked through boxes in her mind. She knew she had left a fresh bottle of water on Callie's bedside table, a box of paracetamol and ibuprofen next to it along with a few of their favourite dark chocolate truffles. She had placed some sanitary napkins on the bathroom cabinet, a fresh washcloth and Callie's favourite soap in the shower. A jolting thought had sent Arizona into their wardrobe during the early hours of her sleepless night, to withdraw the scans they had, the ones that at seven weeks had shown a normal embryonic development and foetal heartbeat. She had placed them in Sofia's built in closet, behind two boxes of old college textbooks on the top shelf, where Callie hadn't looked for years.
On their bed lay two sets of clothes, some loose sweats and an old t-shirt as well as a freshly washed matching pyjama top and pants so that Callie could choose whichever she felt most comfortable in. She emerged eventually from the bathroom, hair damp against her neck and dressed in the patterned pyjamas. Arizona was standing in the kitchen, not an item out of place as she glanced around, waiting impatiently for the kettle to boil. "Coffee? Tea?" she asked, two white mugs on the bench in front of her.
"Oh Coffee please, I think I'm in withdrawals; you should have given me some in my IV."
"No coffee until the afternoon for both of us; must be a first."
Callie walked over slowly and slid on to one of the stools across from Arizona, leaning forward on her elbows. "You haven't eaten either; at least I had that crappy sandwich. You must be starving Arizona."
Arizona shrugged and shook her head. "Not really. I can make something though, what do you feel like?"
"Hmmm…would it be bad if my answer was pizza followed by chocolate?"
"Would it be bad if I entirely agreed?" They smiled sheepishly at each other and Arizona reached across to squeeze Callie's arm briefly, grabbing the cordless phone as she made the coffees. She ordered pizza to be delivered and slid Callie's mug across to her, leaning against the counter and sipping her own, eyes closing in a prolonged blink. "That's good," she murmured. "Can I get you anything? Heat pack? Neck rub?"
Callie shook her head quickly. "How about some trashy television?"
"Absolutely – there has to be a talk show on or reruns at least."
"Oh…yes. Reruns of Oprah."
"Really? Oprah seriously makes me cry," Arizona declared, though her voice was light.
Callie chuckled, cringing as she slid off the chair and walked over to the sofa, lowering herself onto the soft cushions. She flicked at buttons on the remote, scanning the guide for something appealing. "I swear you have a weird weakness for those triumph over tragedy stories, gets you every time."
"I can't argue with that; you've seen me read some of those autobiographies."
Nodding, Callie placed her coffee on the table in front of them, pushing lightly at Arizona's shoulder when she sat down next to her. "Not so tough all the time hey?" she teased and Arizona forced herself to smile and roll her eyes. She held her cup to her lips, pouring the warm liquid into her mouth and swallowing, forcing the persistent lump in her throat smaller. "Oooo, Ellen. It's this or a documentary on beach erosion," Callie declared.
"This is good," she answered, pulling a throw cushion from behind her and placing it over her legs. She patted at it and glanced at Callie, asking, "Want to lie down until the pizza arrives?"
Nodding eagerly, Callie pulled her legs up and shuffled along, resting in the familiar position on her side, her head settled in Arizona's lap. She loved the soothing feel of Arizona's fingers running almost automatically through her hair, one hand lightly stroking over her forehead and the other at the base of her skull and through the loose strands around her neck. She dozed lightly, allowing Arizona to lull her to sleep whilst the television played softly in the background.
The position was one of their favourites on the infrequent evenings that had off work together. They would alternate their positions and could talk for hours lying there half watching something inconsequential. Other times it was a pose that would signal the start of passionate love making, a hand that would gently rub under an arm and across breasts, whilst fingers danced up a spreading thigh. Alternatively, it was occasionally a safe spot to divulge into a flood of tears, curling up and burying as strong arms soothed and protected.
At that moment, it was a quiet reprieve from the chaotic two days they had experienced. For the moment, the appointments and viability scans were behind them, news integrated and the outcome known. There were no more surprises and there was something comforting about being home, in their own space. That was until a knock sounded heavily at their door, both of them physically jumping at the sudden intrusion on their comfortable silence.
"The pizza, I almost forgot," Arizona murmured, sliding herself out from underneath Callie and padding quickly to the door. "Sorry," she uttered, her eyes casting over an impatient young delivery driver. "I'll just get you some cash."
The pubescent boy nodded wordlessly, removing the pizza box from the heat bag with the receipt lying on top. "Thirteen, ten," he stated when Arizona held her purse open and stared at him questioningly.
"Here, there's fifteen. Keep the change, thanks." She closed the door behind him and crossed to the kitchen, grabbing two plates and balancing them on top of the box. "He was a communicative young man," she said, smiling.
"The art of speech tends to be lost on high school boys. If I'm remembering correctly they tend to converse in a hybrid of grunts and curse words." Callie had drawn herself to sit on the sofa, legs stretched out in front of her and resting on the coffee table, her head leaning back against the couch.
"Delightful," Arizona commented, placing the pizza next to Callie's feet. "Drink?"
"Ah…I don't know what I feel like. Do we have any soda?"
"Yep, there's lemonade in the fridge."
"Thanks," Callie said nodding, already having opened the box and placed a slice on a plate for each of them.
Arizona put their glasses down and sat heavily, emulating Callie's position with the plate on her lap. "Good?" she asked, watching Callie inhale a few bites.
She earned an eager nod in response, licking her lips and spreading tomato paste across her chin. "So good," she answered, chewing quickly and swallowing before reaching for another piece.
"I never would have guessed," Arizona teased.
Callie grinned and for the first time, it seemed to carry over her face with the muscles contracting to show off her high cheekbones and tiny lines creasing around her eyes. It's so tough, when you lose someone or something important; you can become incredibly weighed down yet there's parts that are still resilient in the face of trauma. The little aspects that carry on as a reminder that below the constant ache, there still lays a person, who was there before. That person can feel small and non-existent for days, weeks, months, years. But they're still there. Callie was still there.
XXXX
Standing to the edge of the kitchen, Arizona surveyed her cleaning efforts. Everything appeared to be in place and cleaned, in fact, it was probably far cleaner than it ever was. She stilled for a moment, hearing the bathroom faucet running and picking up her phone to quickly send a few messages and check her emails. She had a text from Teddy, just reminding Arizona of her availability. Your schedule is sorted until Monday. I'm free when you are.
Mark had retained his focus, as he always did on the practicalities. Sofia sleeping. Look after Callie hey, let me know if you need anything.
She responded quickly to Mark, a simple short message thanking him and to give a big hug and kiss to Sofia in the morning; she knew Callie had texted him a couple of times through the day. Fumbling for a while though, she tried to construct a message to Teddy, typing and then deleting, shaking her head in frustration. There was a fine line between being completely open and pretending, Teddy could see straight through the latter. She eventually settled on a simple thank you. Almost as an afterthought before sending she added, misplaced the cape, can I borrow yours?
Teddy texted back almost instantly, absolutely, when you meet me for coffee, it's all yours.
She smiled sadly and pocketed her phone, double-checking that she still had the phone on silence despite Teddy's message having clearly vibrated. Her emails contained nothing vital and could wait until morning. She moved quietly into their bedroom and sat motionless on the side of the bed, holding one of Callie's favourite t-shirts to get changed into.
Callie emerged from the bathroom, her skin now freshly washed and void of make-up, was pale and her eyes starting to look tired and sunken. "Okay?" Arizona asked.
Callie nodded slowly, raking her fingernails gently over Arizona's arm as she walked around to her side of the bed. "Okay," she confirmed.
"Can I ask if your bleeding and everything is still alright?"
"Yeah, it's fine. Bit sore but that's normal."
"Need a heat pack for bed?"
Callie shook her head. "Just you."
"I'm your heat pack?"
"Well, just as good. Better with the hugs actually."
Smiling, Arizona stood and stepped into the entrance of the bathroom, keeping her expression light as she met Callie's eyes and gently pushed the door closed, the latch slipping into place. She immediately let her forehead drop to the doorframe, pushing her open palms to press against the plaster either side of her head. She drew in slow and controlled breaths, inhaling to fill her lungs completely before pursing her lips and releasing the air. After a minute she relaxed her body and stepped back, avoiding looking in the mirror as she went about her end of the day rituals.
By the time she stepped back into the now dimly lit room, she was breathing evenly. Callie watched her walk to the bed, drawing the covers down for her slip in and waiting patiently for Arizona to settle. "That's my shirt," she whispered in false irritation.
"But it's my favourite," Arizona countered quickly, tugging at the loose material with her fingertips. She lay down and faced Callie, uncomfortably meeting her eyes and struggling to read her expression. "I thought you wanted hugs?"
Callie nodded but reached a hand up to softly trail over Arizona's arm, shoulder and neck until it came to rest on her cheek. "You look sad, Arizona," she said tenderly.
The blonde's eyes fell downward, blinking quickly. "I am sad," she agreed. "We're sad."
"Yeah, we're sad." Callie kept her palm in place, her thumb making the smallest of movements as she leant forward and let her lips press against Arizona's. They both kept their mouths stationary, soft lips lightly touching, eyes closed. Callie shuddered first, almost a minute later, with a barely audible whimper. Arizona responded quickly, ending the kiss by gently sucking at Callie's lower lip briefly. She held a hand to the back of Callie's head, entangling her hands in the thick brown hair and guiding the scrunched up face to her chest. "Sorry," Callie murmured, her voice muffled. "I'm sorry this happened again."
Arizona shook her head, though Callie could barely feel the movement. "Don't please. Don't apologise to me, Calliope." The words were expressed in a rush of choked air and she clenched her teeth hard to stop her own body from shuddering with her rush of tears that spilled on to her pillow. "It's not your fault," she added a few minutes later, hands now trailing comfortingly over Callie's arms and back, her body still trembling beneath the tight embrace. "It's never been your fault. I promise."
XXXX
Sunlight has a way of infiltrating, even when the world seems dark and insurmountable. The sun rises out of spite, usually with a crystal clear blue sky that wouldn't be out of place on a postcard. The kind of blue sky that meets white sandy beaches and coral filled shores; where dolphins should be frolicking through gentle, rolling waves. Just another indication that time doesn't stand still, even though we want it to.
Arizona woke first, eyes blinking against the harsh light. Her sleep had been fitful, to say the least, waking easily with every movement Callie unconsciously made where she lay in her arms. After a seemingly unrelenting flood of emotion, Callie had eventually turned, pressing her back firmly against Arizona and fell asleep with a tight grip on the blonde's arm that wrapped around her waist.
Staying firmly in position, Arizona immediately started her internal checklist for the day. She had ensured there were breakfast options stocked; depending on what Callie wanted to eat. Bacon and eggs in the fridge, cold juice, milk and yogurt, even muesli if by some miracle Callie was craving it. And of course coffee, the percolator ready and waiting for the numerous caffeine hits they would desire. There were also the ingredients for pancakes in the pantry and a Canadian maple syrup that was deliciously thick.
She figured she would leave the apartment at some point today, pick up some tabloid magazines and the daily newspapers for them. Callie would probably want a few of her things from her work locker, she had hastily left two days ago without grabbing anything more than the necessities. She had just finished a short, easy surgery; pinning a displaced tibial fracture when she had noticed a small amount of dark blood on the paper when she used the bathroom. She had sobbed on the spot, curled forward on the toilet with her face buried in her hands. Grabbing her phone and handbag, she had simply walked out, phoning Arizona as she exited the front doors of the hospital, a tearful half explanation all that was needed.
They had tried to be prepared for, yet not expect, the pregnancy to fail. Nothing prepared them for any of it. The sadness in the radiographer's eyes as she searched for an unfindable heartbeat, as a patient, Callie had almost felt guilty for ruining her day. The Doctor that squeezed her into his emergency surgery list, he probably missed lunch because of it.
And the look in Arizona's eye as she stared at the ultrasound monitor; the tear that tracked down her cheek before the radiographer even uttered a word. Both times. Callie would never forget that look; like she was reading something that would break both of them. The same look she got before she gave the death message at work, told some unsuspecting parents that their world had just imploded.
So she would leave Callie at home, curled up napping in front of a movie or perhaps with Mark and Sofia visiting if he wasn't at work. Run a few errands and be home after an hour or two. It was just an excuse really, a reason to meet up with Teddy for a quick coffee. Then she would come home, make small talk with her wife; check on her, hold her, do anything that was needed or wanted. The night would be more of the same. There was something about the darkness and star scattered sky that brought down defences that were firmly in place during the day. Serious conversations were usually held in the middle of the night; honesty bared, the truth raw. Sunlight brought facades and pretences, a performance for the world.
A groan emanated from the immobilised body in Arizona's arms, a grunt of sorts. Some uncoordinated movement, knees bending and feet kicking back, tangling themselves with the limbs behind, quickly followed. "Good Morning," Arizona said with a hushed tone, moving Callie's hair from her neck to press a kiss behind her ear.
"It's bright." The reply was muffled through the duck down pillow Callie had pressed her face into.
"Because it's morning."
"Too chirpy."
Arizona lowered her mouth again, kissing lightly along the edge of Callie's shoulder. "Do you want to think about what you want for breakfast?" she asked eventually, patiently awaiting Callie's predictable distaste for morning to wear off.
"You cooking?"
"Of course. Anything you like."
"Anything?"
"Anything."
"There's so many possibilities, are we having breakfast in bed?"
Arizona tightened her arm around Callie, inhaling the smell of her coconut shampoo. "Definitely, we can stay in bed all day if you like."
"Pity that option is never available when we have a kicking sex drive and well, not having had yesterday happen," Callie said matter-of-factly.
Nodding into her shoulder, Arizona sighed quietly. "You're right. We should actually make those changes to our work-life balance that we're always talking about. And HR rants on about as well."
"Speaking of, did you get that new fatigue policy sent around last week? Absolute trash, that place wouldn't run if we all had a minimum of ten hours between shifts."
"Yeah, I liked that. Especially the part about having to have a ten hour break after being called in, no one would ever get off the waiting list for elective surgeries. Just more useless crap from management."
They talked easily for a few minutes, on a roll about the incompetence of management and the impractical relevance of all the red tape, policies and procedures they had to pretend to adhere to. Although they at times differed in their views of treating a patient with Arizona far more conservative when it came to rushing in with a scalpel, generally their views and opinions of the hospital and profession were very similar. Callie loved the big surgeries, the chances she grabbed with both hands, to cement herself as a miracle worker. Any opportunity to publish articles that gained her recognition as someone who really thought outside the box. Arizona was a much quieter achiever, though her competence could never be questioned and to her colleagues, she was infallible in the operating room, the big cases made her nervous. She considered ethics and the human being behind the organ; surgery was usually grey to her, when others saw only black and white.
"So, about that breakfast offer…" Callie eventually led the conversation back to Arizona's original question.
"Mmmm, decided?"
"How about strawberries and yogurt as a first course, and maybe a little bacon and eggs as well?" she asked coyly.
"Can't decide, hey?" Arizona teased, again, closing her eyes at the smell of Callie's hair, filling her nostrils.
Callie nodded. "So I figure a little of both is the way to go. You did say you were happy to do anything."
"Yep. I'm on to it. You stay here or do whatever you need to do. Just give me a few minutes in the bathroom and then you'll be able to tell by the delicious smell coming from the kitchen when I'm close to done."
"Thank you," Callie responded, grabbing Arizona's hand wrapped around her and squeezing it tightly. She released it after a few seconds and Arizona slipped off the bed, rubbing at her arm that had been generally in the same position for hours. She disappeared into the bathroom, undressing quickly and stepping into the shower. She ducked her messy curls under the water, grabbing Callie's shampoo and letting the comforting scent take her momentarily away.
"It's coconut flavoured."
"It's not coconut flavoured, Calliope. It's coconut infused."
"Coconut goes on cakes. Or in curries. Not on bodies."
"It's freakin' forty dollar shampoo and conditioner, can you at least try it. The smell is divine."
"Really? Divine? Fine, let me smell it then, Arizona."
"How about you let me wash your hair and then we both win."
"And by wash hair, you mean…"
"Calliope, is everything a euphemism to you? I'll do your hair and then, there's the coconut body wash to try. And you'll need to be clean, you know, if your hair is."
"There's a few parts of me that need some extra special attention. They're very dirty."
"Then I better get started…"
Arizona found she was so easily transported back in time with just the sound of a song, or a distinct taste, smell. Her mind would wander without her control and she would find herself smiling strangely in supermarket lines or laughing in the middle of a formal dinner. And the smell filling the shower was no exception, so quickly she could hear Callie's moans as her mind pictured fingers kneaded at her scalp. How Callie had heavily leant back into her, wet hair pressing against Arizona's face as her fingers glided over the Latina's breasts and dipped into her sex, sliding smoothly over her clitoris. She had climaxed loudly and the act had been the beginning of their more committed relationship. Days of going home for a few nights were gone; they consulted each other before making plans, and dinners were always made for two. Something changed that day and it had little to do with the shower sex or the luxury bathroom products. But it was the association, the smell that assaulted her senses and made her body involuntarily tingle, her face relax and dimples appear with a wide smile.
Life had been amazing. Content.
As quickly as the dissociation began and it was gone. The reality that they were again facing another tragedy, yet another mountain to climb, tumbled back to Arizona. She hastily turned the shower off and stepped out. The real world was just outside the door.
XXXX
Clouds had rolled in by late afternoon and now a soft drizzle was coating Seattle. It wasn't quite heavy enough to warrant an umbrella but the dampness covered the sleeves and shoulders of Arizona's jacket. Her hair had curled more with the heavy air, which she just messily tucked behind her ears. Pushing at the glass door to the café, Arizona scanned the tables; hand carved wooden benches that held every aspiring writer in the city. There were almost more laptops and empty coffee mugs than there were patrons.
In a corner at the back of the room, Teddy sat quietly, flicking absentmindedly through her phone. She had been sitting in a vacated office, cursing at a computer as she inputted data to yet another spread sheet the Chief was demanding, when Arizona's text message had come through. She had finally received a valid excuse to escape the hospital and the monthly report.
Arizona spotted her first, weaving her way through and smiling when Teddy caught sight of her out of her peripheral vision. "Hey," Teddy said first, standing up and quickly hugging Arizona when she approached the table.
Giving an awkward laugh, Arizona returned the embrace. "Hey, I hope I didn't drag you away from anything important."
"God no," Teddy answered, sliding back into the bench seat as her friend copied her across the table. "Your timing is impeccable. And I took the liberty of ordering you a coffee, and cake," she added, pointing at the waitress heading towards their table.
Arizona grinned. "You read my mind."
"Chocolate or Banana? Take your pick."
"Hmmm, how about half and half?" Arizona asked, fork already poised in the air with the plates between them.
Teddy took a long sip of her latte, licking her lips before nodding. "Works for me. So, tell me how things are going."
Arizona exhaled heavily, shaking her head slightly and casting her eyes towards her forehead. "So crap."
"How's Callie doing?" Depending on Arizona's mood, her thoughts either tumbled out chaotically, edged with frustration and anger or she needed the information to be slowly elicited, simple questions that drew the story out of her.
"Okay, I suppose. Upset but not inconsolable, so yeah, definitely okay. Surgery went fine, so that's good."
"You didn't get a chance to explain on the phone, how far along?"
Arizona sighed. "Ten and a half, almost eleven weeks. Same as last time, intrauterine demise."
"Blech," Teddy said, shaking her head. "Do they know why?"
"Nah, they've sent the products off to the labs, maybe that'll tell us something. I don't know. We made it two more weeks this time, suppose that should be worth…I don't know."
"It sucks." Her words ineloquent yet strangely appropriate, Teddy took a few bites of the banana cake.
Arizona did the same, mouthfuls off the fork with one hand and the other tipping the mug until her lips lay on the rim. Setting the items back on the table, Arizona stared at Teddy, breathing slowly but heavy. "She's going to want me to have a baby. To try to have a baby."
"Oh, has Callie said that?"
"No."
"Right, so you would be running a million miles ahead?"
"She will, I know her. She's not just going to give up but she can't do this again and I can't watch her do this again."
"You've got to slow down Arizona. Really really slow down."
"What do I say when she asks? How do I respond?"
"Try…hey Callie, love of my life. We need to slow down, deal with this first. Yeah?"
"She was the one that was so desperate for more children, she loved being pregnant. God, she wanted to actually deliver a baby, to do everything she missed out on last time. And what? I'm the only other option? I'm the most unlikely pregnant woman ever."
Teddy reached across the table, sliding her hand over Arizona's wrist. "Stop," she instructed, squeezing.
Arizona dropped her head on to Teddy's knuckles, similar to her action with Callie the day before, when she lay recovering from her anaesthetic fog. "Cape, please?" she asked quietly, blond hair moving slightly as she gave a chuckle.
"Do us all a favour," Teddy answered, grinning as Arizona sat upright. "Leave the costume under the bed," she added, pushing at Arizona's shoulder.
"Ooo, dirty Teddy. Dirty."
"I said under the bed, not for in the bed."
"Yeah sure. Maybe I could learn a thing or two off you…"
"Shhh. Eat some chocolate cake before my BMI goes up a few points."
Obediently, Arizona took a large bite, dense chocolate cake with thick cream filling her mouth. She closed her eyes and nodded, offering Teddy a half smile when she reopened them. Teddy shrugged sadly in return, settling back as silence drifted over them, sipping the remnants of her coffee.
"So," Arizona eventually muttered, for the first time in a couple of days having her thoughts clear and not overwhelm her with their intensity. "Any gossip from work? How goes the residents and their sex lives?"
Teddy clapped suddenly, her face lighting up. "Well…"
TBC…
