CHAPTER 2
I am still looking through Ana's pitiful CD collection. My baby seemed to like Bon Jovi as there are a number of Bon Jovi CD's here. I pick them up and look at them; Slippery When Wet, New Jersey and Keep the Faith. I decide to get rid of the Warrant one and I put it back in its case. I listen to all the Bon Jovi CD's and as I put in 'Slippery When Wet' I vaguely recognise it and I remember that Elliot had this when we were younger.
I try to get all the negativity out of my head from tonight and the memories where I have previously acted like a complete asshole. I sometimes wonder why Ana stays with me, I don't deserve her unconditional love she is so sweet and kind and all I do is pile shit on her. She just doesn't deserve it, she doesn't deserve a fucked up bastard like me. How the hell am I going to be a good father if I can't get my negative emotions under control?
Me a father! I am slowly coming to terms with this. When I saw the baby on the ultrasound for the first time, when it actually looked like a baby and when I felt him kick as I touched Ana's stomach I was mesmerised. When we found out it was a boy and I was going to have a son, I was so proud and very relieved. After all what kind of father could I possibly be to a little innocent girl? I have treated women like objects for years but if I had a daughter and anyone treated her the way I have treated women I would kill them and not think twice about it.
My son! The words Ana spoke to me keep popping into my head when I was trying to explain to her about Elena, when I was trying to make her understand how she helped me, helped me? I understand now she didn't help me at all, it was abuse pure and simple and I just didn't see it.
Those words fly through my mind once and I clearly hear Ana's voice. 'God Christian, how would you feel if it was your son?' Then seeing that little boy on the ultrasound and feeling him kick through Ana's stomach gave me the answer to that question and it has made me realise everything she said about Elena was right. She was a sexual predator who took advantage and made me more fucked up than I already was. I try to get my mind off this dark path it's no wonder Ana hates Elena so much after all she is pure and good, too good for me.
I think back to our honeymoon when she went topless and I went ballistic. I hurt her I had promised only a week or so earlier to protect her and yet there she was covered in welts and hickies which I had put on her body, who the hell is going to protect her from me?
I listen to the CD again as I am trying to get my racing thoughts under control and a song has drawn my attention, and I am listening carefully to the words.
I listen and the tears stream down my cheeks I can't stop them, this is exactly how I feel about Ana she is my life and I can't breathe without her, she is mine. I switch the CD off and return to the bedroom. As I walk into the room the lyrics from a song from the 'Keep the Faith' album come into my mind. I climb into bed and pull her into my arms I need her there, she rouses and looks up at me sleepily.
"Christian, what the hell? I was sleeping" she is so beautiful even when she is cranky, and I smile at her.
"Baby I am so sorry, I just need you in my arms" I kiss her lips gently and she smiles at me and shakes her head.
"Please Christian I am so tired please just let me sleep" she begs.
"Ok baby you sleep," I pull her towards me and she snuggles in my arms.
She is turned with her back to me and I keep hearing the words of that song in my head as I feel her breathing getting slower and deeper as she goes back to sleep. I bury my nose in her hair, I can't believe this beautiful woman agreed to marry me, she is so perfect. My mind starts wandering again, this time to the night I asked her to marry me and her reaction – hysterical laughter. It wasn't the reaction I'd hoped for but when she explained, I see it was more than bad timing. That night, wow! That is the first time since Elena that I had given up control totally for anyone, I gave myself to Ana and it felt... it felt right. What a night though I was so scared she was going to leave me and I knew that I had to stop her. I snuggle closer and wrap Ana tightly in my arms. You are mine baby, you. Are. Mine.
I don't know how long I lie there but I quickly realise that I can't sleep as my mind is still working overtime. I am gripping Ana tightly as though holding her gives me some sort of strength. I am remembering that night and the memory is as clear as if it was yesterday. I gave up all control and that thought still amazes me that I was prepared to do that, do the one thing I swore I would never do again. I close my eyes and the memories of that night return...
"Where the fuck is she Taylor?"
I am frantic, I got back to the apartment and Ana isn't here. Taylor told me what she had done and how upset she was. I go through what happened in her apartment and I realise how it must have looked to her and once again I have been unable to articulate what I needed, and I have left her feeling vulnerable. Shit right now I feel vulnerable she has gone out alone drinking with Kavanagh. Fucking Kavanagh I know he wants her and she has gone without her phone, where the hell is she?
"I'll keep looking sir, try not to worry" Taylor says carefully.
I return my attention back to my phone, I realise Taylor sounds upset too as he took it personally that Leila managed to break into Ana's apartment after he had personally swept it earlier that day.
I open my mouth to say something but stop and wait as I hear something. What's that? I turn and there she is, relief surges through me and I nearly drop my phone.
"She's here" I gasp and I thank Christ for that she has come back. I hear a sigh down the other end of the phone and then I hang up as Taylor is saying something.
"Where the fuck have you been?" I snarl as the irritation and anger of what she has just put me through spills from me.
I immediately regret it though as the words leave my mouth I just want to cram them back in. Shit, get a grip Grey this is not the right thing to do. I see the look on Ana's face and it tells me everything I need to know, I have fucked up yet again but this makes me angrier. I am trying so hard to keep my temper under control as I am petrified she is going to leave and yet I am doing my best to drive her away. Come on Grey pull it together I think, as I hear myself ranting about how late it is and how I wanted her to come back here. I walk towards her and she just glares at me.
"I didn't know how long you were going to be... with her" she says coldly.
Those words stop me dead in my tracks and halt what I was going to say next. What? Is she is jealous, what is she saying? Oh fuck I know that this is going to end badly if I say the wrong thing, I need to stop this, but what do I say?
"Why do you say it like that?" I ask her.
I am desperate to hold her in my arms, she is looking down now at her hands. Oh my god she is thinking of going; she's leaving me, no she can't leave me. What can I do? Shit help me someone because I can't lose her.
"Ana what's wrong?" I manage to get the words out despite my overwhelming urge to throw up. She is leaving me I just know it, I can't let her go. Please baby I love you please don't leave me you mean everything to me, I want to be with you forever.
Then I hear the words that make my blood run cold, "I'm no good for you".
No baby, no, you are my world you are my reason for living you are my everything. Oh my god how can I make her see this. I can't let her walk out on me again I won't survive it a second time. She can't leave this apartment I have to keep her here somehow. I almost feel as though I am losing my mind, I hear us having a conversation and she is telling me she isn't right for me and I am telling her she is and that Leila is sick, I need her to understand I love her.
"But I felt it... what you had together" she whispers I barely hear it and yet it destroys me. We didn't have anything she was nothing to me whereas you are everything baby, please believe me.
"What? No" is all I can manage to get out. I try to walk towards her to hold her I need her to understand, but she steps back. That one gesture tells me everything, she's going.
FUCK! No, no, no baby. No don't do this; don't leave me, please god don't leave me. I can't stand it if you go I will never survive it, I have to stop her. What the fuck can I do to keep her here? How can I make her understand?
"You're running" I gasp. "You can't" I quickly add. I am rambling and I am so afraid I can't think straight, I hear her trying to explain to me but all I can think is she is going she is leaving me, and that I have to stop her.
"No no no" I am desperate here what can I do and how do I stop her from going? I am wild with fear I grasp my hair and frantically look around looking for something, something to prevent her walking out the door, I need her. What can I do to make her stay, she can't leave me she has to stay.
"You can't go Ana I love you" I plead with her, please baby I love you.
She looks at me, "I love you too Christian, it's just…"
"No, no" fuck I am desperate here what can I give her to make her realise she is everything to me, I can see I am scaring her, what can I do?
"Christian..."
"No" I am panting now the blind terror consuming me.
Then in a rush it hits me I know what I can give her, control. I'll give her the thing I need most in the world besides her – control, I will willingly hand her control over me. I will give myself to her completely, anything to keep her. It all becomes crystal clear and I know that I have to do this I have to give up control. I drop to my knees in front of her, my head bowed and I take a deep breath, I'm all yours baby, just please don't leave me.
"Christian what are you doing?" she sounds scared, baby I am giving myself to you, I am yours to do what you want with so give me a command. I am yours, if it is the only way to keep you then I will do it because I need you that much.
"Christian look at me" she says.
There it is, the command and I don't hesitate, my head sweeps up and I look up at her. She is looking at me as if I am insane and pleading with me saying she doesn't want this. No baby I need this, I need you to see what I am prepared to do to keep you. You need to see I am yours, please don't leave me baby please don't leave me. I am waiting for another command and then I hear her tell me to talk to her.
"What would you like me to say?" I ask.
I have completely shut down now and an odd sense of calm is now filling me. I have done all I can so if she is still going to leave me after this I need to shut down. I am in a calm place now, I am no longer filled with panic I am totally and eerily calm. I know that I want her to stay and that I need her to stay but if this doesn't work and if she has made up her mind to go I need to retreat, I need to hide deep inside myself. I need to find a safe place somewhere deep inside me where I can just die quietly. I am back in control of my emotions now and I just need to get through this. I am certain she is going to leave and I know she is right to do so. I can't possibly keep a woman like her, and I was stupid to think I ever could; what could I offer her? I am so fucked up it isn't fair on her to make her stay with me.
As I am retreating further and further inside myself I vaguely notice she has got down on the floor, what is she doing? At least if she is on the floor she is not walking out the door... yet. She is talking to me, she trying to explain to me but she is rambling. I focus on something she says; she wanted time to think, is that all? I frown at the thought. Then she tells me she thinks she is not good enough for me. I am shocked, oh baby you can't be serious you are my world. I want to marry you and be with you always. What can I do to make you see this? You are perfect baby I love you. I am going through everything she is saying to me and trying to make sense of it.
I hear her say, "Are you going to kneel here all night because, I'll do it too?"
That's my girl, that's my feisty Ana. Oh god I can't lose her I need to work this out so I can talk and tell her and make her realise she is the only one for me ever.
I hear her asking me to talk, she is begging me, I need to say this right baby and I need to make you understand.
"Please" I hear her beg and I think I am ready, I blink and then focus my gaze on her.
"I was so scared" I whisper as I barely get the words out.
I see the relief on her face and it gives me the courage to explain. I carry on talking with total honesty I tell her how I saw Ethan outside, and how I knew something was wrong. How seeing Leila with the gun affected me, god I can't think about that how impotent I felt but then how she gave me that hint and how I had grasped it to get that fucking gun and keep my Ana safe. It was my fault she was in that situation and I had to get her out of it. I continue to talk, how I just wanted her safe and out of harms way, and how she stubbornly refused to leave, I shake my head as I remember. Christ baby you just wouldn't go.
I need to tell her, "Anastasia Steele you are the most stubborn woman I know" I sigh and shake my head again.
Wait she is still here, I need to make sure she meant it when she said she wasn't going to run.
"You weren't going to run?" I ask tentatively.
"No" she says.
Oh thank Christ, I relax and I feel myself slump but I pull myself together and explain myself.
"I thought..." No, she needs me to be truthful she needs to know she owns me heart and soul.
"This is me Ana, all of me... and I'm all yours" What else do I do I have to do to make you realise that? I hear myself saying more and now she is crying, she thought she had broken me.
I tell her she is my lifeline. I have never been so honest with a woman before, I realise I need this woman so much. I need her to touch me she has been desperate to show me how much she loves me with her touch, and I have denied her that, I am desperate for her to touch me, but the fear is just too deep, but I need her to realise and if this doesn't make her realise what she means to me then nothing will so without over thinking it too much I grasp her hand and place it on my chest.
I am saying over and over in my mind that I am safe and that she won't hurt me. She won't hurt me, I am safe. She won't hurt me. My heart is beating fast and I am petrified, I didn't think this through and I am afraid of what she will do next. The initial surge of burning pain I felt when her fingers touched me has now gone but I look at her and I don't take my eyes off her. I leave her hand on my heart, but she goes to remove it and I stop her. No baby I need this, I need you.
"No" I whisper "Don't" I want her to touch me.
She moves closer looking at me and silently asking permission as she unfastens my shirt. I am panicking but swallow to keep myself under control. She is hesitating looking at me and silently asking permission. I lick my lips nervously and I nod. I hear myself say yes and then she touches me. I close my eyes the last time I was touched by anyone skin to skin, it was bad but this, this is ok, it is... nice. This surprises me but then I feel her move, she removes her hand. No baby I need you to do this, I grasp her hand and put it back where it was.
"No, I need to" I say but my voice sounds strained.
She is touching me, god it feels good, the panic is still there but her touch is really something else. There is no burn and there is no pain it almost feels like she is mending something. I realise in that moment that she makes me complete. I need her so much. Fuck she wants to kiss me I brace myself and when she does a bolt of electricity surges through me and I let out a moan. My eyes are shut tight, oh my god she has stopped.
"Again" I whisper.
She kisses me again, and it dawns on me what she is doing and where she is kissing me. She is kissing my scars, oh baby I love you so much. I wrap my arms around her and it's as if she is kissing away the years of pain and for the first time since I was a very small child I break down and cry in front someone.
She is assuring me she won't leave me and that she loves me. Doubt starts to creep in once more and the negative thoughts start building once again. Yes you will baby if you knew what a sick fuck I really am you would be out that door. Then with a sickening certainty I realise the truth… I need to tell her exactly that. She needs to know, I know it will be over the minute I do tell her but she deserves to know the truth this woman is just far too good for me and knowing that I also know that I can't lie to her anymore. I have to give her this, I have to tell her the whole awful truth.
She is watching me and she pleads with me to tell her, so I take a deep breath and I tell her my deepest darkest secret. I wait for her reaction and I wait for her to leave me…
I lie in bed holding Ana tightly I am remembering the night I told her everything the night I told her my deepest darkest secret, the night I fully expected her to leave me, but she didn't.
I look at her sleeping in my arms, I touch her swollen stomach where inside our son is growing at this moment and as I touch her I feel movement inside. My boy can feel my touch and he is responding to it.
"Hush son lie still and don't wake your mommy" I whisper.
I feel Ana stir slightly and she moans, she runs her hand over her stomach but doesn't wake fully. How the hell did I ever manage to get this beautiful woman to fall in love with me? Me the most fucked up man in Seattle, but this beautiful woman saw past that and she reached inside me and found something worth loving.
I think about that night once more and the memory is as clear as if it was yesterday. I told her my secret, I told her all about the real me and I fully expected her to leave me again, but thank god she didn't. I had just given up all control to her because I had gone into a blind panic thinking she was going to go, she had told me she wasn't going to leave and that all she wanted was time to think. She had just touched me for the first time and she had kissed my scars, trying to kiss away a lifetime full of pain and agony. I felt it as her lips touch me and the tears began to fall I was holding her and she said she loved me and would always love me...
"Christian please don't cry I meant it when I said I'd never leave you. If I gave you any other impression I am so sorry... please, please forgive me I love you. I will always love you".
This is it she has told me that there is nothing that will make her leave me so I have to tell her. I have to be straight and honest with her, she has given herself openly and honestly to me I have to be a man and tell her. I have to let her know what it is she is in love with and give her a fair chance to leave by knowing all the facts.
I am certain that once she knows the truth she is going to freak and leave, but I can't keep her here under false pretences any longer. She deserves more than that, frankly she deserves better than me but I can't let her go I'm too weak; but now I realise this beautiful woman deserves much better she is way too good for me and I have to be honest with her. Come on Grey take it like a man, you knew this wasn't going to work out for you and she needs to know what a fucked up son of a bitch she is dealing with and then you need to let her go.
I vaguely hear her talking to me.
"What is it? What is this secret that makes you think I'll run for the hills, that makes you so determined to believe I'll go?" she looks at me pleading with me to tell her. "Tell me Christian please..."
Christ, fuck this is it no turning back. Ok get ready Grey do it and get it over with so you can move on, but I know I can't move on if she is not in my life.
"Ana..." I can't do it, I know I have to but how the hell do you tell someone the extent and depths of depravity I have sunk to? Especially someone as pure and good and lovely as Ana.
Ok this is it, deep breath here goes nothing...
"I'm a sadist Ana. I like to whip little brown haired girls, like you because you all look like the crack whore – my birth mother, I'm sure you can guess why".
There that's it, that's my secret and now you know everything baby. Now say something please, I watch her and she is quiet for the longest time. What the hell is she thinking? It can't be anything good - she is thinking about how to get the hell out of here you stupid fuck.
I wait for her to respond.
"You said you weren't a sadist," she finally says looking straight at me.
What? I wasn't expecting that, but she's right I did say that.
I reply quietly "No I said I was a Dominant, if I lied to you it was a lie of omission I am sorry".
That's just semantics so stop trying to wriggle out of this; you're not fucking sorry at all Grey. You wanted this girl and you lied to her – this beautiful innocent virgin you took her and you lied to her, you sick fucked up son of a bitch.
"So it's true, I can't give you what you need," she gasps and she looks distraught, she thinks it's her fault. No baby you are not to blame it's all me, I'm the bastard here.
I can't believe this she is thinking of my feelings and needs above her own... does this mean... can it possibly mean that she doesn't want to leave?
I jump on that hope and grasp it with both hands I need to persuade her she is what I need, I need to tell her she has found something in me which I never thought was ever there. I clench my fists.
"No no no Ana. No. You can. You do give me what I need please believe me," I beg, oh god believe me baby don't leave me please I need you so much you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, I wait and she looks confused.
"I don't know what to believe Christian, this is so fucked up" she almost whispers it.
Christ I'm losing her, I need to make her stay. What can I do to make her stay? I end up rambling on about how after I punished her and she left me how it changed everything how when she said she loved me it changed everything. I am opening up my heart and laying it all out before her. I need her to know, Christ I have to make her understand. I have to let her to know how much I need her and want her, how much I love her above and beyond everything I have ever known.
She is asking questions and talking to me, I answer her as I can't believe she is still here. I talk to her, as the longer we talk the longer she stays and hopefully the better chance I have of getting her to stay with me.
"You're still here, I thought you would be out of the door by now" I whisper to her. I need to know what she is thinking.
She stares at me incredulously, "Why because I might think you're a sicko for whipping and fucking women who look like your mother? Whatever gave you that impression?" She snarls back at me.
Shit, well she is right and I can't argue with that, "Well I wouldn't have put it quite like that, but yes" I say.
Who the hell am I kidding? I am a sick fucker. This is it, don't say anything else now Grey she needs to make up her mind and you can't do any more now, so let her make up her mind and live with the consequences. I wait and it seems like an eternity as she must be thinking everything over, oh baby please I need you talk to me. Suddenly she raises her head and speaks to me. I hold my breath this is it.
I hear her sigh, "Christian, I'm exhausted. Can we discuss this tomorrow, I want to go to bed?" she says.
What!? She's not going? Holy shit she's not going. Wait, I need to make sure of this. I need to make sure I have not got this wrong.
"You're not going?" I ask tentatively.
"Do you want me to go?" she replies.
Fuck no! "No! I thought you would leave once you knew" I say.
She is thinking again I can see she is working things out in her mind, she could still go, "Don't leave me" I whisper, I need her to know.
She glares at me and then when she speaks again she is shouting now .
"Oh, for crying out loud - no! I am not going to go".
She is irritated with me but I don't care. Oh baby you have just made me so happy, she is not going to leave. Oh god this woman is something else; she is not going to leave me. I want this woman, I want to marry her. I need to keep this woman by my side for all eternity. I just don't believe it and I need to make sure once more even though I know I risk her snapping at me again.
"Really?" I ask and she glares at me again incredulously.
"What can I do to make you understand I will not run? What can I say?" she looks really pissed now, god she is beautiful. Should I ask her now? Make her see we are meant to be together forever, she says she loves me and I sure as hell love her. I can keep her safe if she is my wife... my wife. I like that, MY wife.
Fuck it I'm doing it. "There is one thing you can do" I say.
I'm going to do this I'm going to ask her, shit what if she says no? Oh to hell with it.
"What?" she snaps at me, she is still pissed… should I? yes I should.
"Marry me" I whisper.
I wait and I see the look of complete shock on her face she wasn't expecting that but then I can't believe what I am seeing. The shock goes only to replaced with amusement and now she is laughing at me. She thinks I'm joking, oh baby I have never been so serious about anything in my life. Her laughter gets louder and now she is almost hysterical, why won't she stop laughing? She is on the floor with her arm slung over her face. I lean over and gently move her arm and look at her. Oh baby talk to me and give me an answer, just say something!
She is still laughing, and my heart slowly sinks. Shit how stupid am I? Of course she won't want to marry me will she? What was I thinking? Ok baby that's enough just please put me out of my misery and tell me now. I smile bravely I don't want her to see how I am feeling, come on baby just tell me but let me down lightly.
"You're cutting me to the quick here Ana. Will you marry me?" I ask trying to sound in control. Finally she responds. The laughter stops and she lets out a deep sigh. She sits up and starts to speak.
"Christian, I have met your psycho ex with a gun, been thrown out of my apartment and had you go thermonuclear fifty on me".
I try and butt in but she holds up her hand to stop me and I swallow the words, shut your mouth Grey and let her speak.
She continues, "You have just revealed some quite frankly shocking information about yourself and now you have asked me to marry you".
Hmm when she puts it like that it sounds absurd, but I want this woman to be my wife. I try and lighten the atmosphere a little by what I say next, "Yes I think that's a pretty fair and accurate summary of the situation" I say hoping she will see the humour.
She is telling me she needs time to think and consider it and that she is tired and hungry, but all I can think is that she hasn't said no then she tells me it wasn't very romantic. Well I suppose she does have a point there, as proposals go it could have been better.
"Fair point well made as ever, Miss Steele" I say and I go over everything she did say she hasn't said no and this gives me hope that she really will consider it and I need her to confirm this, "So that's not a no?" I ask.
She tells me that it's not a no or a yes and that I'm only doing it because I am scared. Oh no baby I'm doing it because I love you and I need you and I want you by my side and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, something I never thought I'd have. I tell her this and she smiles at me, I continue and tell her that I didn't ever think it would happen to me and she assures me that she will think about it. That's good enough for me, hell I thought she'd be gone by now. This has worked out better than I could have ever wished for...
Songs: 'I'd Die for You' – Bon Jovi from Slippery When Wet & 'In These Arms' – Bon Jovi from Keep the Faith
