Going on Living Part 1

Ch.2

My first memories are of darkness. I don't know if I've ever seen the sun, for if I have I cannot remember how its warmth felt against my cheeks. I only knew a sun existed from the stories my mother would tell late at night when her friends were sleeping. I did not experience much of the outside world for myself.

The majority of my time was spent in small hole in the ground dug beneath the floorboards. Ashe would help me get comfortable before she left in the morning: bringing me blankets if the ground was chilly or a glass of water if the heat was worrisome.

From the time I was three or so, I climbed down into this pocket beneath the floor every morning, and did not clamber out until Serah or Rinoa came home late in the afternoon.

It honestly wasn't that bad. For my fourth birthday, Vanille sewed me a teddy bear to keep me company during the hours I spent alone. Plus, my gap in the earth wasn't too cramped, and I got to spend the evenings in my mother's arms. I was content with my existence.

Until one day changed my entire world.

"What do you mean an additional occupant?" Lightning demanded. She tore the parchment out of her sister's hand in agitation. The announcement crinkled in her hands. She scanned it over with the same outraged expression.

Serah grasped at the paper. "It means we're getting an additional occupant."

"There's nowhere to put another bed!" Vanille added. "We're out of room."

"Not to mention that will be one more person we have to try and feed," Rinoa's quiet brooding only fed the consternation in the cabin.

"Not to mention this is bullshit!" Lightning continued to express her indignation.

"Not to mention!" Ashe cried, interrupting the complaining. "I think you're all forgetting about the real issue here." She looked over at my mother who held me on her lap.

At eight years old, I was probably too old to still be sitting on my mommy's lap, but she didn't seem to mind, so I took advantage of being able to sit in my favorite place. I glanced up at her and noticed that she seemed worried.

My mommy worried a lot, about me mostly. I kept telling her she didn't have to worry, I am a big boy! I can take care of myself. She would just shake her head and smile. I'm not sure what that means, but I like it when she smiles.

She wasn't smiling now.

"Mommy," I tried, "are you ok?"

Serah, Lightning, Vanille, Rinoa, and Ashelia sat silently but expectantly. Only Ashe and Vanille looked as worried as mommy. I didn't know why an "additional occupant"would scare them. I was sure we could be great friends with her too.

My mommy seemed to snap out of a trance. She looked down at me, her eyes softening, "I'm fine sweetie, just worried about my little boy is all." I pushed at her hands before she could start messing up my hair.

"Stop worrying mommy! I can make new friends… and I'm not little."

She giggled a bit, a sound I didn't hear often enough. It somehow reminded me of the fairies my mommy would tell me stories about sometimes. She said their laughter sounded like twinkling bells, and although I'd never heard twinkling bells before, I assumed they would sound a lot like my mommy's laugh.

"Roxas, no matter how big you are, you will always be my little boy."

She met Ashe's eyes. Something must have happened between them because mommy nodded and made me get off her lap. Mommy never made me get off her lap unless it was bed time.

"Sweet pea, how about you go play with Teddy for a little bit in mommy's room," she smiled which confused me because her eyes still looked sad. But if playing with Teddy in the other room would make mommy happy, then I would do it.

"Ok mommy!"

Vanille watched as Luna allowed her head fall into the cradle of her arms. She looked more distressed than the redhead had ever seen. Lunafreya's normally jovial demeanor was replaced by fear and confusion. Vanille observed similar expressions on her the faces of her other cabin mates.

What were they going to do? Not even mentioning the semantics issue of trying to fit a seventh bed into one of the two bedrooms, this transfer could spell disaster for the boy.

At nineteen, Vanille was one of the younger residents of Cabin 22. Originally hailing from Luxerion, she was captured by slavers at the age of nine. Strange as it may sound, it was better than living on the streets of the metropolis like she had been before getting picked up.

Midgar was a relatively nice place, though King Amarant was not exactly her favorite person. His laws, especially those involving his slaves, were stricter than Vanille was used to. Street kids don't follow rules particularly well.

She found friends among the ladies in her cabin, though. They taught her well these four years, and she considered them closer family than her own blood; considered the small child family as well. She didn't want to see him die for such a silly reason as simply being born. He couldn't help who birthed him, and under what circumstances.

"What do we do?" Luna sniffled. Vanille knew how much this tore her heart: it must be terrible as Luna never cried so freely.

Vanille glanced around at the somber faces. No one had answers, not even Rinoa who was often quick to remedy their problems. Then again, what solution was there? They would receive a new occupant whether they wanted one or not. They did not have the power to refuse the order.

"Well," Ashelia offered, "we certainly should put her in the other bedroom"

"Yeah, but how much will that actually help?" Lightning snapped. "Someone is going to find out eventually, there's no stopping it. It's inevitable."

"He's only a child," Luna shot back. "He doesn't deserve to die."

Vanille could sense the rising tension. She and Serah were most often the peacemakers. One of them would need to intervene before tempers climbed even higher. Luckily, Serah chose that moment to step forward.

"We're not saying we'll let him die," she directed a fairly pointed glare toward her sister. "We just wonder what you plan to do if someone does find out."

Luna looked lost and alarmed. She'd been far too idealistic, they all had. They wanted to keep the boy close to them forever, and never let any harm come to him. They acted as though not discussing the subject of his discovery would mean it never happened. But he would soon be too big to hide under the floorboards, and after all, what kind of life was that anyway? Unable to experience the world?

Luna took a deep breath. "I just want to protect him as long as I can. At the very least, he deserves the chance to make happy memories before he meets his end. He's my baby. I wish I could give him more than that."

Vanille understood where Luna was coming from. She herself hardly knew her parents, but she still though fondly on her mother's smile. Despite being orphaned to the cruel parentage of homelessness by age six, she still clung to the few happy memories her childhood held.

She thought of Roxas as the little brother she never had, and wanted to see him grow up to surpass all their expectations.

Vanille placed a hand on Lightning's shoulder who looked ready to once more point out the folly in Luna's thinking. The touch calmed the older woman, and brought the cabin's attention to her.

"Luna," she started, "we will do what we can for you and your son. We will hide him to the best of our ability, but please know that he will eventually be uncovered. Try to prepare yourself for that day as best you can."

Luna's teary-eyed smile was enough to assure Vanille she'd made the correct choice. She trusted her cabin mates to trust her decision and go along with this plan. They would all work hard to shield the boy from harm: for as long as they were able, that is.

It was a long time before mommy came back to get me. Vanille and Ashe, who shared our bedroom, hadn't come to bed yet either. Teddy and I were starting to worry about them. But we trusted mommy to do what was best.

"Teddy, do you think I'll be able to see the world someday?" Teddy didn't answer, he never did. We lay back on the bed we shared with mommy. It was rough, but snuggly. I probably wouldn't be able to share it with her once I started getting real tall.

Mommy told me that all the ladies who live in the cabin are females, and that I am a male. She said that most grown up males are even taller than Lightning is and she's practically a giant! Mommy says it's not how tall I am that makes me a male though.

Last year, mommy sat me down and told me how people make new babies. She said that when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much they hold hands and make kissy faces and stuff. Ew! Then she drew some scientifical looking diagramas that I didn't understand. And that's how she knows I'm a boy!

I'm not sure how kissing makes new babies. I kiss my mommy all the time. But I guess it doesn't work because I'm not a daddy. Mommy said that only a mommy and a daddy who love each other could make a new person like that.

That's the only time I ever asked mommy about my daddy. She says I have one, somewhere. I hope I get to meet him someday. Then he can teach me all about being a boy. And about how normal boys grow up, and about stuff mommy calls sports and having muscles.

Sometimes I think mommy just makes things up though.

The door creaked open and my mommy popped her head inside. She looked even more tired than she normally did. She should take a nap.

Her soft leather shoes tapped against the floorboards as she made her way over to me, the sound echoing slightly as she crossed my trapdoor. She flopped down next to me on the bed, curling her body around mine, and trapping me in her arms.

"You're such a brave boy," she began, nose pressed against my hair. "You're such a brave and strong boy."

She took her time, breathing in the scent of my hair and exhaling languidly before each sentence.

"I know you trust mommy. And I know you know that mommy is only trying to do what's best for you. I can't let them take you away from me. I can't let you die." She pulled away so that she could look me in the eye. "If they found out about you, then they would separate us, and you would never see mommy ever again."

Never see mommy ever again? I didn't want that. I wanted to stay with mommy forever. I wanted mommy and I to go find daddy someday and to all be a happy family again.

"If they took you away, you would never see Aunty Vanille, or Aunty Serah, or Aunty Lightning, or Aunty Rinoa, or Aunty Ashelia ever again either. They would probably take Teddy away from you too.

"Mommy doesn't want that to happen to her baby boy." Mommy started crying.

I can't remember ever seeing my mommy cry before. I didn't know what to do, so I pushed her hair out of her face, and wiped her tears with my sleeve.

"It's okay mommy," I consoled her, "I'm here. You don't need to cry; Roxas has you."

She chuckled and leaned into my embrace for a moment before sitting up.

"Roxas, mommy has to ask something of you. Until we know if we can trust this new girl or not, I need you to not leave this room. No more roaming around the cabin. When someone comes and gets you out of the hole in the floorboards, you can play in here with Teddy till mommy brings you dinner then I'll stay with you all night.

"It that a deal? Can you do that for mommy?"

I was being restricted even further: trapped in one room. But I didn't like the idea of being taken away. I couldn't leave my mommy alone like that.

"I'll do it mommy, for you."

...

Thank you again for reading. Reviews are the life blood that flows through my veins.

As always,

Ali