Disclaimer: If I ever had owned Neon Genesis Evangelion - would I be writing this? And let's just hope that Gainax won't sue me for writing this fan based piece of (bad) fiction since NGE is their property.
If ye be wanting a mushy lovey-dovey story where all ends so well that ye wants to puke, I advise ye to read another story. But if ye love bitin' sarcasm an' bad humour an' plain ol stupidity' this might be somethin' enjoyable fer ye to read. Now leave me to me grog!
Chris Oddland presents: Operation Prankster
Mission 01
Operation Beer Buster
"So you really emptied the red devil's shampoo bottle and poured glue into it?" Touji Suzuhara asked Shinji while looking at him with a slight tinge of admiration.
Shinji twiddled his thumbs while looking at the ground. He looked shy and timid as usual as he confided his secret with Touji and Kensuke.
They were on the school roof. And the only ones there were the three.
Kensuke chuckled as he wiped his glasses with some cloth meant to clean glasses with. "I just wished I had been there and filmed it."
It was a mystery to Shinji why the school personnel hadn't ever managed to force Touji Suzuhara into donning the obligatory school uniform that was enforced them. But then again some questions were better left unanswered.
"I think Asuka would have killed you if you had, Kensuke," Shinji replied to what Kensuke had just said.
"And?"
"It would probably have been a painful death that would even make me shudder in fear and hide in a closet and never leave it."
"I think Shinji has a point, Kensuke." Touji said as he downed the last drops of ice tea from the small carton. "You know how Asuka is when she's really pissed."
"I think a guy from another class experienced that when he asked Asuka out and she then gave him several fractures when he got smart with her." Shinji added as he drew a small sketch of Asuka strapped to a 10 megaton N2 Mine and dropped on top of his father who was drop-kicked down a volcano while being strapped to an anvil in the small notebook he used in his math class with a pencil.
"I hate math!" Touji groaned in frustration.
"And I get tired of helping you out every time you haven't done your math homework, Touji." Shinji complained in return.
Touji responded by bopping Shinji nonchalantly on the head, applying only enough force to make Shinji feel a slight amount of pain.
"Ow!" was Shinji's exclamation as he nursed his head.
"Don't remind me of it. At least you're capable of understanding the basics of it while I get a headache trying to understand even the simplest things." Touji said while looking sourly at him.
"No reason to overact." Shinji retorted. "Even I have to spend hours trying to figure most of my math homework out."
"Better you than me." Kensuke shrugged in indifference as he returned to reading the magazine concerning various facts about weaponry and military vehicles, "You don't know how many times he's asked me to help him out."
Asuka was being herself as usual in school.
Mainly acting as a total bitch with an overblown ego the size of a hot air balloon.
(Ich kann es nicht glauben! Warum musste es mit mir passieren?) She mentally groaned as she nursed her head with her right hand while the elbow of her right arm was supported by her school desk.
The reason for this was that she tripped in the class room a few minutes ago and her wig (that resembled her hair that had been cut off in the first chapter) fell off as a result of it. A lot of the class began laughing to their hearts content, finding it amusing that the high and mighty Asuka was completely bald.
Fortunately for Asuka that her friend and class representative managed to quiet things down. But Asuka could still hear the hushed tittering and snickering coming from both the boys and the girls in the class.
Hikari Horaki sighed as she listened to Asuka complain and complain and complain and complain…... She was Asuka's friend and for that matter Asuka's only friend in Tokyo 3.
"Oh, brother!" Hikari mumbled to herself. She did feel sorry for Asuka, but her extreme egocentrism did strain her patience almost every day. Sure Asuka had her pros, but her cons tended to outweigh that most of the time when she interacted with those she considered beneath her. And those she held in contempt consisted of most of the other pupils attending school because she had attended a university and was considered to be very intelligent and talented.
At first many of the boys in school were attracted by her manner, dignity, grace and exotic looks when she had enrolled into the school.
Luckily most of the boys having some traces of common sense that could convince them that they were wasting their libido and attention on someone they really shouldn't have in the first place. Too bad there were some who had no shreds of reason at all, but made up for it in an amazing amount of lust. They were the guys who Asuka tended to beat into submission since they were but worms, according to her, when compared with Ryoji Kaji whom she herself desired above all things….
And what slightly irritated Hikari the most was that Asuka wanted to come over to her place (and most likely complain some more).
Shinji gritted his teeth as he made Eva 01 strike the Third Angel with the Progressive Sword that the huge behemoth wielded in its right hand. The blade cut deep into the entity's arm even if Shinji could feel the resistance of the being's hide as the blow hit. The straining mental process of neutralizing an Angel's Absolute Terror Field with the one he projected from his Evangelion in order to remove the powerful barrier which protected it from physical harm was something he had to get used to.
He then more by instinct than by thinking slammed the giant baton/nightstick in his left hand clumsily into its stomach, making it slightly stagger and giving him time to pierce its core with the giant blade with a stab.
The sword plunged through to core and parts of the blade exited out from the Angel's back. When Eva 01 withdrew its blade, the being code-named "Sachiel" by Nerv fell on its back. Shinji saw through Eva 01's eyes that his enemy's eyes showed no signs of life.
The combat simulation ended and Shinji found himself inside the Eva training room inside the colossal underground headquarters of the enigmatic organization Nerv who were the so-called protectors of humanity against the alien threat of the alien beings who were designated as Angels by the organization.
"Your combat performance was very shabby, Shinji," Misato informed him through the com-display that was transmitted from the observation room where she, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, and some of the Nerv technical staff observed Eva 01 and the information the computers registered, "you could have finished it off two minutes ago."
Shinji sighed. "Melee combat is Asuka's forte, and I'm best at ranged combat with the Pallet Rifle." he told her matter of factly as he motioned Eva 01 towards the weapons rack that now protruded from a wall nearby. He placed his weapons into the slots they were meant to be placed. The rack then disappeared back behind the blank wall. It irritated him that he had to train with weapons meant for close combat. He preferred training with the various firearms issued to the Evangelions. At least the sniper training with the giant sniper rifle model used by Rei was all right enough.
Shinji sighed as he ejected the entry plug he was in out from the back of Eva 01.
He had returned his Evangelion back to the Cage number 6 where it was normally stored along with Eva 00 and Eva 02. Sometimes his blood chilled when he looked at the three motionless behemoths. He remembered how the top of Eva 01's was like when the facial armour plating fell off and he saw the horrifying reflection. The thing focused his sight on the reflection in synchronization with him. And the most horrifying thing was the dreadful feeling that the thing wasn't staring at himself - but directly at him inside of it. The fear that washed over him as he felt that dreadful, alien eye that seemed to bore through his very soul as it gazed on him with an alien curiosity. He sure wouldn't like to see how the other Evangelions looked like without their facial armour plating.
(If Kensuke is still continues babbling on and on about how envies me for piloting this thing the next time, I'm certainly considering sitting on him with Eva 01.)
While he envied Kensuke Aida's naïve nature, he certainly didn't like his obsession with weapons and constant glorification of war itself and the irritating romanticism he used to sprout about the military in general. And even Touji agreed with Shinji on that a lot of times.
He opened the exit hatch automatically with the entry plug controls and then exited from the entry plug itself.
He then started scratching himself. (Urgh! That stupid plugsuit is really starting to chafe my skin. Not to mention my groin!)
He pulled out the clips meant to help him with synching with Eva out of his hair and tucked it in his hand in disgust as he walked back to the changing room to change back into his own clothes.
After a few minutes he was dressed into the usual school uniform attire he wore almost every day. He slammed his locker shut after literally hurling the plugsuit into it and then locking it.
He tucked the weird-looking hairclips into the chest pocket of his shirt, thinking it might come handy in an emergency situation. And he did have a lot of spares in the locker for that matter.
"Might as well go over to the bridge and see how Misato's doing." He said to himself and pulled out a small map of the Geofront complex out of one of the back pockets of his trousers.
He still had a little trouble navigating himself properly throughout the many corridors a few times; he even got lost one time and got thirty minutes late for a synchronization test. Something Asuka would never let him hear the end of for an entire week.
"Well the test results prove that the Prog Sword design will have to be revised and the technical flaws in the vibration cells fixed or replaced with a sturdier model that can vibrate a large blade properly without tearing on the inner components of the emitter." Dr. Ritsuko Akagi stated to the technical crew.
"I guess we'll have to postpone the usage of the Prog Sword in the field, Ritsuko." Major Misato Katsuragi said to her friend.
"At least results of the performance of the portable field model of the Positron Rifle that Rei tested four days ago was perfect." Ritsuko noted as she sipped a bit of coffee from her coffee mug. "I remember how desperate we were when we "borrowed" the prototype model from the weapon research facility to destroy the Fifth Angel since the field model was incomplete at the time and couldn't hold enough power to pierce its AT Field."
"I also remember your suggestion to use the lower part of a space shuttle as a shield against its attack since its electromagnetic coating would enable the shield to withstand its energy ray for approximately 17 seconds." Misato smugly replied.
"At least I didn't have the idea to start 'reeling' the Sixth Angel in order to destroy it." Ritsuko calmly commented, seemingly unaffected by what Misato said. "And Operation Yashima was your idea in the first place." She added as well.
While Dr. Ritsuko Akagi and Major Misato Katsuragi continued their discussion the three most trusted technicians posted on the main bridge of Nerv were busy collecting data and transferring it to the supercomputer MAGI, a technological masterpiece made by Ritsuko's mother: Dr. Naoko Akagi.
It was a mystery why the brilliant and talented Naoko Akagi had committed suicide during the completion of MAGI, choosing to throw herself to her death. Not that her daughter Ritsuko grieved that much since she and her mother weren't exactly on friendly terms.
The three technicians were Maya Ibuki, Makoto Hyuga and Shigeru Aoba.
Maya was a technical prodigy who looked up to the skill and experience of Ritsuko Akagi, whom had tutored her and taught her many things when she was chosen among many other people as bridge technician.
While the guitar-playing Shigeru Aoba and his friend Makoto Hyuga would never match Maya in skill they made up for it with their skill to work under severe emergency situations by not giving in to the stress that they felt when the beings called "Angels" attacked. Despite the heavy concentration both had to maintain inside them to keep their emotions in check, they knew they were human and were sometimes gripped by panic as anyone else.
After the transference of data to MAGI, Shigeru took up his guitar and started playing it as he usually did.
Maya on the other hand opened up her thermos and poured coffee into the mug that lay close to her desk (but far enough so that if she spilled it by accident, she wouldn't endanger any electrical components that were susceptible to liquids).
Strangely enough Makoto Hyuga was looking a little uncertain. He took off his glasses and began wiping them with a tissue while he thought about what troubled him. He looked in the direction where Dr. Akagi and Major Katsuragi stood and talked.
He knew he wasn't at all like Ryoji Kaji who had been Misato's boyfriend while she and Ritsuko studied in Germany with many other Japanese students. Nor was he like the other guys who she had dated in Tokyo 3.
(It's worth a shot.) Makoto mentally sighed, hoping he would handle the more likely rejection with some dignity.
When Misato was done talking to Ritsuko, Makoto walked over to her. "Excuse me, Major." He said to her as she turned to face him.
"Yes, what is it?" She asked him quizzically.
"Well… err…. I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me….sometime?" He blurted out stuttering.
Misato looked at him with disbelief….. And then she started to laugh as if it was just a joke.
"I'm sorry, Hyuga, but you're not really my type," Misato tired to apologize while trying to suppress her laughter and instead making chuckling noises.
She then left the bridge as if noting had ever happened, passing by Shinji.
"Can't talk now, Shinji, I have to go to my office and finish some paperwork." She said as the door closed behind her.
Had she looked closer she would have seen a frown on Shinji's face since he had witnessed what had happened.
Makoto Hyuga seated himself by his desk, a little sad smile on his face. "I should have known she would have said no," he said to himself.
Shigeru Aoba put a hand on his shoulder, "Cheer up, Makoto, at least you tried asking her out this time."
"Don't worry about how she just acted, Makoto," Maya added, "It's just how she is."
Ritsuko Akagi was leaning herself against the wall. "Trust me," she commented, "Misato isn't really the type of girl who you want to get involved with in a serious relationship with. Just ask many of the other men she dated in Tokyo 3 before she discarded them." She then had a serious look. "She was flighty a lot of times when we studied in Germany together after she broke up with Kaji. And trust me: she prefers men of Kaji's type."
"Yeah, you're probably right, Dr. Akagi." Makoto said to her.
As he said that, Shinji had left the bridge.
"So? What do you want?" the Section Two agent asked the son of the commander of Nerv, feeling a little grumpy since he had interrupted his meal in the Nerv cafeteria. He looked less sinister than most Section Two agents since he had removed his sunglasses. It made him look more human.
"Didn't you date Misato Katsuragi many months ago before she simply dumped you?" the boy asked him.
"Yeah, I did. And that was probably one of the worst experiences I've ever had. Can you imagine how much alcohol she can drink and drink and drink?"
"Yes, I can. Especially since I live with her."
"I've heard you're her personal cheap labour source since you have to do most of the chores at her place."
"Yeah." Shinji answered.
"Poor you." He said sympathetically to the Eva pilot.
"I need your help." Shinji Rokubungi Ikari said to him.
"With what?"
Shinji told him.
The agent chuckled and agreed to assist him.
Misato came home to the building where her apartment was.
As she was but a few feet from her door - she noticed something strange. As she checked the lock mechanism she discovered that someone had managed to bypass it somehow.
She entered the door without using her keycard to open it.
Everything looked normal to her. The television was still there along with all her other things. She checked her wardrobe. None of her clothes or underwear was gone.
"Weird." Misato said to herself as she shrugged and walked in the direction of the refrigerator.
The penguin Pen Pen lay snoring on the couch. Misato noticed that a bowl full of fish bones lay on the floor beside the couch.
She smiled and opened the fridge……
Throughout the building a scream of ultimate horror echoed with exceptional force. And it shook up several of the other people living there.
Why did Misato make such a fuzz?
The reason to this, dear readers, was that all the Yebisu beer cans in the fridge were gone.
Several minutes later most of the living room, kitchen and Misato's room were in total disarray.
Many things like kitchen utensils, clothes and other things that were in most households lay strewn over these three places.
"They even stole all my other liquor," Misato moaned as she shook her body over this fiendish outrage which had been committed against her of all people.
The thieves had bypassed the lock and had relieved her of all her alcoholic beverages
The telephone rang suddenly.
Misato wondered if she should answer it, and seconds later decided to pick up the receiver.
"Major Katsuragi," a cold voice said with determination.
"Yes, Commander?" Misato hailed Commander Gendo Ikari of Nerv, wondering what in the world he wanted in a time of crisis like this.
"Certain informants have reported to me that you have been seen drinking on duty multiple times." The Commander said bluntly.
Misato's face turned pale as she heard it.
"But it was only small cans!" Misato answered as she tried to defend herself from the truthful accusations.
"Yes, I am aware of that," Gendo said, "but to maintain order and stability within Nerv itself during straining times like these, an example is to be made."
"And what is this punishment?" Misato asked as the dread within her began to grow slowly.
"You are forbidden to consume any alcoholic beverages for two months. Both during duty and when you are off duty." He said and switched his phone off.
A terrible moan was heard from the apartment.
In the meantime most of the Section Two personnel who had their time off from duty were enjoying themselves with Misato's booze and liquor in a pub in Tokyo 3. Since most of them were regular customers, the owner was giving away free drinks.
"Where did you get all of this free stuff," one of the agents asked the owner of the pub as the can of Yebisu beer made a fizzling sound as he opened it.
"A friend gave them to me." was the only answer given.
In the corner Shinji sat with his accomplice, a large glass of Coke with ice cubes in it lay on the small table. The agent had ordered a glass of strong apple cider.
"I didn't know that a few of your fellow agents kept Misato under surveillance?" he said to him.
"You do now," the older man simply said as he began to drink the cider.
Next:
Mission: 02
Casanova Must Pay!
Where Shinji teaches Kaji that he has gone too far with the Don Juan/Casanova act when he hits on the other female workers for the nth time…..
A lot of you are probably going to flame me and tell me that Misato was too OOC for her own good. Heh, well it's just my interpretation of her flighty nature. My impression of her is that she prefers men of Kaji's calibre whether she admits it or not.
