FF_992224_1470623919 12/1/2011
A/N: All mistakes are mine.
A/N2: I'm not happy with this chapter, because I think I went a little OOC for Sam. But I couldn't unwrite what I had. It just wouldn't go away. So, I'm posting it as is and you all can let me know how far I strayed.
Disclaimer: I don't own Flashpoint.
Hearing Jules' words to Dale; knowing a portion of them were directed straight at him, hit Sam hard. He'd thought she knew him better than that. Yeah, he put a mask on; let no one in to his private pain. But he'd thought…. He'd shown more of himself to Jules than to any other person alive. Only Matt had seen more of what was inside. Listening to her accuse him of not caring at all; her words ripped him open, the pain almost making him forget his duty. If he hadn't literally been holding Dale's life in his hands, he might have forgotten. But he didn't. He held strong and let Jules' words do their job with Dale. And later he did what he'd always done before Jules; he denied being affected by any of it.
He stood there, behind her, watching and listening to the others offer her comfort. And yet he still couldn't make that gesture himself. He was still too raw inside. He'd never show it on his face, and he'd deny it to anyone who asked, but he was still torn to pieces. He'd had nightmares of all the incidents with landmines he'd ever been involved in. Every time he thought it was over, his subconscious managed to drag up another incident: especially incidents where he'd been one of the poor SOBs who had to do clean up. No matter who they were, or where it'd occurred, somehow, in his nightmares, they all had Lou's face. And he'd never share that with his teammates.
Sam sat in the briefing room waiting for Leah so they could do the review and go. He knew the others were going to meet afterwards to support each other; maybe even grieve together. But he still didn't know if he could do it. He was surprised when Jules sat down next to him. She hadn't been near him since he'd walked away from the scene of Lou's death. Maybe her words had healed something in her. Maybe she was able to let go and live, as she'd asked Dale to. Maybe that meant she was forgiving him for walking away. But he didn't want her forgiveness. He'd wanted her understanding. He'd wanted her to understand that his walking away didn't mean he didn't care. That there still was a hole in his life where Lou used to fit.
Sam stared at the memorial bracelet he'd taken. He couldn't put it on; not yet. Putting on the bracelet meant accepting that Lou was gone. Putting it on meant he was ready to move on. Sam was trying, but he wasn't there yet. So he sat staring at the bracelet as the room emptied around him. He'd been so focused on his own thoughts that he hadn't heard the review or whatever the boss had said.
"Sam," a voice said near his ear.
Sam startled and looked around. His face was a mask but inside he was silently cursing his inattention. Both Greg and Ed were still there, watching him solemnly. That couldn't be good. They had to have noticed his lack of attention to what was going on around him.
"You haven't put the bracelet on," Ed nodded at the bracelet Sam still clenched tightly in his hand.
Sam stood up and turned away from his two bosses, facing the window. He unconsciously struck the 'parade rest' pose: feet apart, hands clasped behind his back – the bracelet still clenched tightly in his left hand.
Both Ed and Greg noticed, exchanging pointed glances.
Sam quietly thought about how to explain. "Lou's not my first… friend… to die from stepping on a landmine," he said softly. "It never gets any easier." He didn't look back at their expressions, but he knew Ed was getting impatient. "I know sometimes you guys think I don't care – that it's just some kind of competition about the number of guys I lost versus you; or that I've lost so many teammates that it just doesn't mean anything anymore. But that's not it. Lou was a great friend; he was a great cop; and he was a great teammate. If I put on this bracelet, honoring his memory – it means he's really gone. And maybe I've just lost too many friends to want to let go so quickly. In war, you have no choice. There's no time for grieving. You just have to pick yourself up and move forward. But here, now, I can hold on to Lou for just a little while longer, before moving on. I'm just not ready to let go, yet." Sam's throat closed with emotion and he couldn't continue. But that was ok. He'd said what he wanted to say. He pivoted slowly, met both men's eyes and slowly walked away, the bracelet still clenched in his hand. He was going to go home alone and quietly honor a fallen teammate.
A/N: Please review with any constructive criticism! Thanks!
