Episode Two – The Darkest Hour (Part Two)

A short reminder of last week's episode for those of you living under a rock: Merlin is now a young man, according to the Great Dragon. They have finally changed the opening credits. Morgause was attacked by a prosthetic and died. Morgana is still evil but thankfully smirks less (probably something to do with her sister being attacked by a wild prosthetic and dying) then had a dream about lots of dead people and old!Merlin. The Knights of the Round Table are about three seconds away from a giant bromance orgy on said Round Table at any given moment. Uther has PTSD. A Nathanial Parker decided to invade the show without explanation (and is also evil). There are giant skulls of doom flying around and freezing people to death, everybody needs lots of hugs and Merlin and Arthur had an adorable moment before Merlin was freezed by a screaming death skull of doom.

Oh, and Arthur used the word "clotpole" and Merlin got all pouty about it. It was epic.

Got all that? Okay, lets get started.

OPENING CREDITS. (This is a two partner. We has no pre-credits sequence. Only a recap of last week.)

I – Because I kind of forgot about the Roman numerals and descended back into normal numbers last week... Except for the part where I went back and changed them, because proof reading is your friend.

ARTHUR I don't want Merlin to DIE!

SIR LEON But I don't want Camelot to DIE!

ARTHUR But... Epic bromance...

LANCELOT My bromance with Merlin is strong. I will take him back to Camelot. You can go and quest your asses off

And there is saddening slo-mo of Sir Jeff carrying Merlin with all the knights behind them. And they all still need hugs. Also, Merlin is still talking, somehow. Maybe he was not instantly dead because he has teh magics!

So Merlin and Lancelot slowly ride through the forest whilst elsewhere the other Knights ride EPICALLY through the forest. With epic music. And then Gwaine sticks his hand into a beehive. Without gloves. As you do. Then again, Gwaine is a badass.

Lol. Gwaine.

Leon is reassuring to Arthur whilst Jeff and Elyan chat about some random crap in the background.

LOL. Gwaine.

II – Lancelot is so caring of Merlin. Truly this bromance is epic.

Merlin also can't help but stick his hand in the nearest water they find and it goes all sparkly and then...

WATER DROPLET Hey there. We're magic water creatures with faces in water droplets

LANCELOT You is kind of creepy

MERLIN freya?

WATER DROPLETS Nah

MERLIN AND EVERYONE WITH ANYTHING RESEMBLING A HEART *sniffle* dammit.

LANCELOT How many drugs did I take?

WATER DROPLETS Also Arthur kind of needs you and Merlin

LANCELOT Well that sort of ruins that epic moment of heroics I was gonna have taking Merlin back to Camelot and all...

WATER DROPLETS We're healing him through the power of plot. Now rest. You is pretty and we wants to stare at you

LANCELOT No way am I falling asleep here because a water droplet with a face told me too. Nobody can be that high.

WATER DROPLETS Pretty please. We'll protect you from the hellish skull demons

LANCELOT Well, when you put it like that...

III – Arthur and the Knights have no such luck

Okay, seriously. How come when Merlin and Gaius went to the Isle of the Blessed it took them less than a day? Which it did, because Merlin got there and back in time to get Holy Grail water for Arthur and was easily able to catch up with Gaius. But here Arthur insists on going through tunnels infested with Wildren (remember those?) because- and I quote- "It will take days off our journey".

*insert confused face here*

My brain hurts just thinking about it. I need to stop trying to apply logic to this show.

GWAINE Wildren. Why did it have to be Wildren?

ARTHUR Because the effects budget demands we must recycle the CGI from series 2 in order to have enough for hellish skull demons. Now come on.

KNIGHTS *enter tunnels*

GWAINE *hangs around outside for no adequately explained reason other than for Jeff to tackle him when a hellish skull demon attacks so they end up in a slightly suggestive position*

GWAINE Never knew you cared.

FANGIRLS *take that statement way too far*

ARTHUR Stop baiting the fangirls and get into this tunnel!

A tunnel where in the first shot of all of them walking the light makes it look like there's a time crack in the wall. Also, there is exposition to remind the audience that a specific kind of berry puts Wildren off their supper.

HORRFIC CGI PIG-RATS! YAY!

The berry juice on their faces also looks kind of like blood. Just a heads up, make up department.

Gwaine then gets up close and personal with a Wildren and gets a big Wildren kiss, before killing it. Big mistake.

ELYAN Run!

Eylan's new name is Mr. Common Sense.

IV – Oh, and now we're in Camelot. That was a sudden transition

UNHAPPY!GWEN *is unhappy*

GAIUS *awaiting an explanation for this bullshit*

AGRAVAINE *is totally Uncle Scar from the Lion King*

GWEN I am Arthur's girlfriend and I also await an explanation for this bullshit

AGRAVAINE Naff off.

GWEN Politics.

APPARENTLY ARTHUR AND CO. HAVE BEEN GONE FOR THREE FREAKING DAYS! CONTINUITY NIGHTMARE!

AGRAVAINE I am totally not evil

SARCASTIC!GWEN *sarcastic curtsey of sarcasm*

V – Lancelot wakes up to find Merlin prodding the water with a stick

LANCELOT But you was dying!

MERLIN Sorry. *swings stick at Lancelot* You're not as quick as Arthur.

FANGIRLS *read way too much into that statement*

MERLIN Bye! Gonna go save mah BF

LANCELOT Oh bugger *follows him*

Also, Arthur and co escaped the Wildren. Yay.

VI – Agravaine evils off into the forest in search of MorSylar LeStrange

MORGANA I has a shawl and it is epic. What's going on with Arthur?

AGRAVAINE I thought you were the magic one here. Erm...

MORGANA I'm going to assume that means "bad"

AGRAVAINE Erm, Guinevere is being annoying, but she is only a servant

MORGANA (passionately) No, you're wrong!

GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS *waiting patiently*

MORGANA I have dreamt the future and in it that servant sits upon my throne

GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS Damn you!

MORGANA I would rather drown in my own blood than see that day

Well, that's rather graphic for Saturday evening :)

MORGANA Killing Gwen time! Yay!

GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS *slink away to corner with fond memories of series 1*

VII – Meanwhile, Uther's PTSD is getting rather worse.

Even he needs a hug. And he's a bastard.

DAMN YOU GWEN YOU LIAR!

GWEN Is there something you need?

HUGS DAMMIT! HE NEEDS HUGS!

Oh, Agravaine just turned up.

Seriously, who is this guy?

He's creepy. That's certainally true. Is he prepositioning her? I think Gwen suspects it because she seems very creeped out.

GWEN YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY CREEPED OUT AT LEAST WARN GAIUS ABOUT THIS!

*facepalm*

Meanwhile Merlin and Lancelot ride on to find... A taxidermist's shed. Anyway, there is a freezed person in it and they are going to spend the night there.

MERLIN Oh yeah, I'm a wizard, aren't I? *makes fire*

FANGIRLS *eagerly itching to write fanfiction*

VIII – Morganatrix Bonham Carter is creeping into Camelot. It's alright. She has a hood that just about covers her hair, no one will know it's her *shifty eyes*

Also, she can do backwards telekinesis, which is quite cool.

Agravaine continues to be a creep at Gwen. What's with the green light through the window? Are the ghostbusters about to burst in?

Question? Why didn't he just kill her in his room? But he doesn't, he lets her go outside to be escorted home with two guards so that Morgana can pick her off.

STOP IT WITH THE LOGIC, BRAIN!

MORGANA I threw them lightly to the ground. Obviously they are now dead. *smirk evilly*

Back in the forest of bromance:

Doesn't Sir Jeff get cold in that chainmail vest?

Elyan asks Arthur some questions because he is Mr. Common Sense.

ELYAN We are awesome

ARTHUR I feel better now.

HELLISH SCREAMING *starts again*

ARTHUR And I don't feel better any more*

Gee, back in Camelot again. This thing is zig-zagging back and forth like a slinky.

CONCERNED!GAIUS *is concerned*

EVIL!MORGANA Tee hee hee, I'm so evil

Gaius finds Gwen and she's not dead, but those redshirts probably are.

Lancelot then angsts a bit about Gwen and Arthur

MERLIN How do you think I feel?

Also Gaius and Gwen have a little chat about her being randomly attacked and that it was planned for her to be left alive for the hellish skulls to freeze. Doesn't Morgana have a freezing spell?

Talking of which, Merlin and Lancelot are in trouble... But they run away whilst Merlin chants spells and along comes... The Big Damn Dragon.

LANCELOT Well that was unexpected

GSD Who in the name of Dumbledore's pants is this? Oh, hi there brave and noble knight. One of you two has got to die, by the way. But not Merlin

MERLIN You're not giving me much choice here

GSD *facepalm* I'm gonna go angst somewhere now *flies off*

...

MERLIN I guess there's no chance for a life then

IX - The next morning, because we need a scene change

LOl. Gwaine and his medieval socks! The other knights are picking on him.

GWAINE Pick on Sir Jeff

JEFF Why?

GWAINE Because he needs to clear his internet history

LEON What's the internet?

LOl, Gwaine sets fire to his medieval socks.

Then Lancelot turns up.

LANCELOT Bad news, Merlin's still alive

Manly hugs ensue. And more angsting.

ARTHUR Look after Guinevere

Bleh. Vomit.

X – Oh, and NOW they've made it to the Isle of the Blessed.

UNEXPLAINED!BOATMAN/TEMP *remains unexplained*

Oh, and then Wyverns attack, because there are Wyverns on the Isle of the Blessed now, apparently.

ARTHUR Everybody wave your swords randomly in the air!

Luckily Merlin is able to scare them off with totally inconspicuous dragon spell chanting. But they come back so Elyan, Jeff and Leon stay behind whilst the others to confront evil Madame Pomfrey.

CAILLEACH *evil laughter of evil*I blast you with magic, Gwaine!

ARTHUR I know what you want!

CAILLEACH Do you? And are you willing to let me have it?

EVERYONE *takes that statement way too far*

MERLIN No way *teh magics Arthur unconscious* I must be the one to dramatically walk slowly into the tornado of doom

CAILLEACH Meh. Whatever floats your boat, Emrys

MERLIN Destiny!

CAILLEACH Hell no

LANCELOT Hell yes

And then Lancelot walks into the tornado of doom and dissolves into a billion pieces.

...

Wait, what?

MERLIN NO!

AUDIENCE WHAT IN THE HELL?

READERS OF ARTHURIAN LEGENDS But... legends...

FANGIRLS But... bromance

ME *too busy cursing my sister's friend who spoiled this before I got to watch the episode*

TEAR BETWEEN WORLDS *heals*

So maybe it was like a crack in time and needed someone to go in there in order to heal it in Doctor Who

XI – Arthur and co. have returned to Camelot

No word on how long it took or how many Wyverns and Wildren they had to face to get there.

All the knights are solemn as they burn Lancelot's clothes and sword, Even though I don't think swords burn that well.

The knights are all very neatly arranged in the courtyard.

Gwen cries. Then Arthur holds her hand and she angsts about it being her fault for some reason. Also, she's the last person left outside after everyone else leaves. Which is sweet. In a sad way.

XII – Cut to Morgana, having a tantrum

And it's a very sudden cut and a very loud tantrum, so I kind of jumped at it a bit.

AGRAVAINE What are you, five?

MORGANA EMRYS! IT'S HIS FAULT! *paranoia*

And then she stops and looks at Agravaine and I'm like, seriously, stop looking so seductive. This is creepy.

MORGANA You'll help me find and destroy Emrys, right? *more paranoia*

And I seriously thought they were going to kiss. Luckily, they don't. Good. That would just be creepy.

Back in Camelot, Merlin does what he does second best (after going into rooms without knocking): Eavesdropping!

AGRAVAINE So, Gaius, you're clever and shiz. Emrys, Y/N?

GAIUS Nope.

AGRAVAINE I'm totally not suspicious or anything

GAIUS' FACE bitchplz

GAIUS That'll be Morgana then

MERLIN So Agravaine's evil?

GAIUS Yes, because I totally hadn't noticed

SOUNDTRACK *ominous*

Next week:

We shall have tension as Uther is injured. Will Merlin reveal his magic (probably not)? Oh look, old!Merlin is ba- OH GOD RUN ITS THE CREEPY CABBIE FROM SHERLOCK! GAAAAH! *runs away*