"Good work there in making sure our boys won that match, Hart," Don Kennedesco Vincenelli told the Mouth of the South over the phone in his study.
"Don't mention it at all, Don Vincenelli; just showing why I'm the smartest of your managers," Jimmy boasted proudly.
"Sure, sure. Well, keep up the good work the rest of the night, Hart; the more my teams win, the better for my organization, and likewise for you."
"I know. Well, got to go, Don Vincenelli; Adrian and Honky are up in the next match, and we should be going on pretty soon."
"Do whatever it takes there too, Hart," the don told him in closing before he hung up. He bustled back into the front parlor, where numerous other members of the Vincenelli family were sprawled in furniture all around his big screen TV set. "We're all set for the next match," he told them all, "Hart's getting a bonus for getting personally involved to help win the last one."
"Your father would be proud of you, Kennedesco," commended a white-haired uncle, "You have just the right way of being able to judge who's greedy enough to want to sign up."
"It's a natural talent, Uncle Ernie," the don grinned, "And there'll always be greedy, power-mad fools in the wrestling business willing to sign on to work with us. Once we get enough of them, and the titles to go with them, we can get rid of that idiot Jack Tunney and put an end to his crap about catering to the kiddies. And then, we can embark on a grander plan that'll make us even more money..."
"Operation No Boundaries," the don's nephew Stefano grandly declared from the corner, "We give the viewers what the really want: blood, sex, gore, the works. Hours-long free-for-alls where the blood flows like rivers; attractive women wearing almost nothing, or even nothing; beer and drugs flowing like water..."
"Stefano, I'm in charge, I tell the family everything," his uncle cut him off. "Like my too eager nephew said, though," he told the rest of his family, "The WWF's going to make money for years, and once we do wrest control of it from Tunney, we bury the stupid kids and open up the violence and sex. Guaranteed additional money, especially if Tunney succeeds in running all the other territories out of business before that point so we're the only game in town then, and hopefully stacked with loads of corrupt wrestlers willing to take the dive for profit to give out whatever results we want in the matches. It'll be a gold mine, and it'll be all ours."
"And then we whip Tunney down and cut off his..." an elderly aunt started to roar murderously.
"Shhh, not now, Aunt Leona," Don Vincenelli cut her off, pointing at the TV, "Here comes the next match. Enjoy it while you can, you dupes," he snickered at the cheering fans, "The winds of change are already blowing, and they're blowing in my favor. All I need is someone who can step in for Tunney when the time comes and be a nice, docile puppet..."
"Ladies and gentlemen, now introducing the members of the Rock and Rollers!" Finkel announced to the Saddledome, "First accompanied by his personal trainer, Frenchy Martin, from Montreal, weighing 265 pounds, here is Canada's strongest man, Dino Bravo!"
"Now why are they booing Bravo?" Ventura complained at the boos in fact raining down, "They've got to have more respect than this for their national weightlifting champion!"
"Well, Jesse, maybe it's because they know Dino Bravo is a coward and a cheat through and through," Monsoon pointed out firmly, "As, I may point out, are the rest of the Rock and Rollers."
"So YOU say," Ventura griped, turning back to the aisle as the introductions for the Rock and Rollers continued: "Accompanied by his manager, Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan, from Kansas City, Missouri, weighing 245 pounds, the King Harley Race! Accompanied by his manager, Mr. Fuji, from Sunset Beach, Hawaii, weighing 275 pounds, the Magnificent Don Muraco! From New York City, weighing 338 pounds, Adrian Adonis! From parts unknown, weighing 243 pounds, Doink the Clown!"
"Look at this poor excuse for an entertainer," Monsoon grumbled, pointing at Doink maliciously bonking people along the aisle over the head with an inflatable hammer balloon, laughing darkly as he did, "How he ever got to be allowed into wrestling, I don't know."
"Oh lighten up, Gorilla, I think he's genuinely funny," Ventura was in fact chuckling at Doink's "antics."
"You need your head examined," Monsoon rolled his eyes in disgust as Doink then coldly squirted the woman seated in the front row at the edge of the aisle with water from his buttonhole flower (which sent Ventura into near hysterical laughter) before joining his partners in the ring. The music switched to an old time rock and roll piece to accompany the introduction: "And the team captain, accompanied by his manager, Colonel Jimmy Hart, from Memphis, Tennessee, weighing 247 pounds, the Honky Tonk Man!"
"Honky Tonk Man looking all revved up as he enters the building behind the Colonel; he's quoted in the WWF Magazine that he considers it a great honor to be chosen as team captain, so let's see if he's got enough talent to back up that decision," Monsoon remarked.
"Well of course he's got the talent, Monsoon, or Tunney wouldn't have chosen him," Ventura countered.
"Or was it perhaps that Jimmy Hart used a little blackmail, perhaps? Honky Tonk Man entering the ring and strutting his stuff while clanging away at that infernal guitar, and looking around, nobody appears impressed at all. We're awaiting now the arrival of their opponents for this match..."
A high energy theme kicked in full blast, sending the crowd into cheers. "And now, the members of the Ultimate Warriors!" Finkel proclaimed, "First, from Union City, Tennessee, weighing 240 pounds, Koko B. Ware! Accompanied by his manager, Captain Lou Albano, from Detroit, Michigan, weighing 288 pounds, George 'the Animal' Steele! From Mud Lick, Kentucky, weighing 320 pounds, Hillbilly Jim! From the Fiji Islands, weighing 250 pounds, Superfly Jimmy Snuka! From Vero Beach, Florida, weighing 225 pounds, Red Rooster!"
"This place is going to explode any minute now," Monsoon predicted, and indeed the Saddledome did as the familiar music roared to life, and the announcement came through, "And, the team captain, from parts unknown, weighing 280 pounds, the Ultimate Warrior!"
"Whoa, here comes the Warrior like a rocket taking off!" Monsoon exclaimed at the sight of the Warrior barreling up the aisle at full speed, rolling hard into the ring, bouncing wildly off the ropes, and then shaking them as if he were having a seizure, "A standing ovation for the Ultimate Warrior; he is clearly ready for this one."
"He may be, but I have doubts; in fact, this is probably the easiest match to call," Ventura predicted confidently, "I mean, look at who the Warrior's got backing him up: you've got an over the hill bum in Snuka, a no talent hack in Koko-Frankie the parrot would probably do better in the ring than him-an even more talentless hack in the Rooster, a complete joke in Hillbilly who has no business being in the wrestling business anyway, and an escaped mental patient in the Animal. Meanwhile on the other side, you have two former Intercontinental champions in Honky and Muraco, a former tag team champion in Adonis, you have the King, who was world champion in several other promotions before coming here to the WWF, you have Bravo, who's the strongest man in the world, and for every terrible thing you and McMahon say about the clown, Doink actually isn't that bad in the ring, not to mention he's funny as hell."
"To you, Jesse, perhaps, but I don't find any of Doink's antics so far amusing at all. We're ready to go, and it looks like we're going to have a Summer Slam rematch to start off, as the Warrior himself stands in the ring across from Don Muraco, and there goes the bell."
"Good thinking by the Honky Tonk Man; he knew the Warrior's ego would preclude putting himself in the ring first, and he knew Muraco wants revenge for having been back-jumped and humiliated by the Warrior at Summer Slam, and he's putting Muraco in off the bat to get that chance for justice."
Both men hooking up as we start the match, Muraco with a hip toss sending the Warrior to the mat; Warrior right back up and flattens the Magnificent One with a clothesline. Muraco in turn back up, hard roundhouse right misses the mark; the Warrior picks him up and plants him hard. Muraco staggering; the Warrior prancing around the ring, belts him hard in the face, now off the ropes and drops him with another right cross. Ultimate Warrior on a roll, off the ropes again, he dives...and Muraco rolls out of the way in time. Don Muraco over to his corner and tags in Adrian Adonis, but stays in the ring, and he and Adonis now double-teaming the Warrior and pounding him down hard to the mat! Get him out of here, ref!"
"He's got till five, Gorilla, remember?"
"He's been in there at least ten seconds and counting so far, Jesse! Referee Joey Marella trying to get Muraco out of the ring, and finally he does, but the damage done; Adrian Adonis picks the Warrior up, and, yes, a suplex and a beauty. Cover: one...easy kickout, and a rather nonchalant cover there by Adonis."
"He knows he has all the time in the world, Gorilla; the Warrior's ego makes sure he won't tag out until he's shown the world how supposedly great he is."
"Adonis whips the Warrior into the corner, charges in-but no one home. Warrior dancing around, kicks Adonis in the back and trying the yank him backwards to the mat..."
"He's grabbing the hair there, he'd better stop if he knows what's good for him."
"Ultimate Warrior unsuccessful in that tactic, so now ramming Adonis head-first in the back; now a snap suplex bring him down, and the cover: one, two...no. Warrior goes up and down hard on Adonis's chest, now whips him into the ropes, and a forearm smash down him. Warrior off the ropes again, and...down he goes on him! One, two...just missed it again. Warrior now making the tag to Hillbilly Jim, and the good old boy in to start slugging away at Adonis. Whips him off...no, Adonis reverses it, throws him into the ropes and gives him a hard kick to the chest. Tag to the King; Harley Race in and pounds Hillbilly down to the mat. Race going up to the top rope, here he comes, and a power punch takes Hillbilly down again. A cover: one, two...not quite. Race undeterred, flings him into the corner, up on the shoulders, and slugging away hard. Steps back, and now jumps hard into him. Race grabs Hillbilly around the head, drags him back to his corner, allows his partners to all have free shots at him."
"Might as well; that way if Hillbilly's pinned, they can all take credit in beating him."
"Harley Race dumps Hillbilly Jim to the mat, going up to the top rope again, here he comes once more...and nobody home! Hillbilly scrambling to his corner, and a tag to Red Rooster. Red crowing loudly for the fans, now rushes in right at the King and jumps at...whoooooooaa, look at that, Race catches him in midair and powerslams him, and just like that a cover, and one, two, three; the Rooster's out of there already! I don't believe it!"
"Wow, THAT was fast, Gorilla. But of course, when you put together a team based on inferior talent like the Warrior did, things like this are bound to happen. And this has to be a record of some kind."
"Timekeeper telling us Red Rooster was in there all of eight seconds; you're right, that might just be a record."
"And Heenan's ecstatic outside; that makes two ungrateful former Heenan Family members given their comeuppance so far tonight."
"Superfly in there now, giving the King a knee to the chest, now Irish whip, jumps over Race, and fells him with a dropkick. Race tags the Honky Tonk Man, who confidently comes in, blocks the Superfly's swing, and dishes out a kick to the chest. Honky Tonk Man dragging Jimmy Snuka over the corner and proceeding to smash his face off the turnbuckle; now he's draping his neck over the rope and pushing down; come on ref, break this up!"
"Don't worry, Monsoon; like it says on the tights, he won't be cruel."
"Will you stop!? Snap suplex sends Snuka sprawling..."
"And for those of you at home, try saying that five times fast..."
"WILL YOU STOP!? Honky Tonk Man going up, here he comes down off the top rope-and misses! Superfly with a tag to the Warrior, and Honky quickly bails out, tagging Bravo."
"Honky's smart; he doesn't want to risk an early elimination to the only guy on the other side who can stop him."
"I'd say he's being a coward, as usual. Dino Bravo in there now, right cross misses, and the Warrior gives him an inverted atomic drop for his troubles. Frenchy Martin and Jimmy Hart yelling at their man to get with the program outside the ring; Bravo being flung off the ropes, ducks under a Warrior clothesline, goes for the dropkick off the ropes, but no one home. Warrior stomps on the chest, drops the elbow, and we have a cover: one, two...foot was on the ropes. Warrior goes airborne and down on Bravo's chest, a few quick punches to his face..."
"He's choking him, Gorilla; look at it, he's choking him!" Ventura protested, pointing, but the Warrior had hauled Bravo up for a slam before Monsoon could look. "Warrior going up to the top rope now," Monsoon continued the commentary, "here he comes-direct impact. Cover: one, two...no dice; that hand was coming down for the three, though. Bravo dazed as the Warrior tags in the Animal; George Steele appears to be barking at Bravo for whatever reason. Steele grabs the legs and starts spinning him around in a circle; I really don't know what he's planning on doing here, but...whoa, Steele hurls Bravo hard into the ring post, and Dino grimacing in clear pain."
"He'd better tag out; the Animal's getting rabid early here."
"George Steele now ripping open the turnbuckle cover and tossing the stuffing everywhere; I think he's swallowing some too. Bravo up, hobbling towards the Animal; Steele turns and spits the some of the stuffing in his face. Bravo picked up, slammed hard to the mat; Steele goes up high and comes down hard: one, two...just missed there too. Dino Bravo offering no offense so far in the ring, and now he's flung into the ropes and belted hard across the...hang on, what's going on over there?" he frowned towards the Rock and Rollers' corner, "Doink now holding this long cylindrical can of some kind, he's leaning partially into the ring and shaking it, it seems to be getting the Animal's attention. Steele staring as if mesmerized at the can; Doink appears to be offering it to him as now Frenchy Martin leaps up on the apron. Joey Marella over to warn him to get down as Steele leaves Bravo to go over to Doink; I think he's making a big mistake here..."
"Let's see what happens; this looks like the old snakes in a can ploy Doink's got cooked up if I'm not mistaken."
"Whatever it is, it's a foreign object, and Doink had no business bringing it to ringside. Doink nodding and handing it to the Animal, who stares straight at the can..."
With a loud boing and poof, snakes did in fact fly out of the can once the lid unexpectedly exploded off-but so too did a large flash of fire and smoke. Blinded, Steele howled and stumbled backwards. Ventura keeled backwards in his chair, laughing uncontrollably. "Oh did you see the look on that idiot's face when it blew up on him?" he managed to say between heavy laughter.
"You think that was funny, Jesse!?" an irate Monsoon upbraided him.
"Oh yeah, it was a riot; have a sense of humor, Monsoon!"
"He may have caused permanent eye damage to the Animal, and you think that's funny!? Steele tumbling right towards Bravo, who grabs the legs and pulls him down just as Frenchy gets off the apron, here comes Joey Marella over, the cover, the count, and the Animal's gone. What a disgrace!"
"What a great bit of comedy," Ventura was still snorting in laughter as he pushed his chair back upright and sat down again, "Doink ought to get the Mark Twain Prize this year."
"He ought to get a lifetime ban! Jack Tunney now storming over to warn Doink about that abominable tactic; he might see a hefty fine for this. Joey Marella trying to clean out the ring as Koko B. Ware comes in for the first time. Big slam on Dino; now Koko off the ropes and drops the leg hard into his chest. The elimination of George Steele notwithstanding, Bravo still in a bit of a hole here as he's now whipped into the corner, and big splash by Koko, who goes up and rains down the punches: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Bravo flung the other post, well away from any possible tags to his partners; a very rough outing for the self-proclaimed world's strongest man so far-and now a powerslam! Koko flapping his arms in celebration-and now he hoists Dino up, and here comes the Ghostbuster-yes! Forget about it!"
Indeed, a quick three count easily eliminated Bravo. "Finally a victory for the Ultimate Warriors, who are now only in a five to four hole. Doink now running in and gets immediately flattened with a smash to the face-but he grabs Koko's leg and pulls him off his feet..."
"Go on, go for the Stump Puller, Doink, and make me laugh some more while you do it!" Ventura encouraged the clown.
"Koko instead with a big kickout, and Doink goes flying clean out of the ring! Doink taking his time out there, now he's rolling under the ring for whatever...no, here he comes right back out. Koko going up to the top rope as we get a good view of Frankie the parrot on his perch outside, watching his owner in action."
"And like I said before, he's probably a better wrestler than Koko is."
"Will you stop!? The Birdman taking flight, down hard on Doink! Koko picking the clown up, smashing his face off the apron, and...and Jimmy Hart hits him from behind in the head with the megaphone; give me a break! The Mouth's been completely out of control all night! Doink now with the advantage, rolls him into the ring, and flings himself into the ring, landing hard on the Birdman for a cover: one, two...not this time."
"Stump Puller, I want to see the Stump Puller!" the Body encouraged the clown.
"Doink grabs the leg, perhaps he is going to...no, Koko kicks him out again, and Doink goes hard into the ring post, and now he slides clean out of the ring. Koko over to his corner and makes the tag to Hillbilly, who finds...Doink's disappeared again...no, here he comes, looks like he went under the ring again," Monsoon frowned suspiciously, "and the clown now with a tag of his own to Adonis, and the big biker in to lock up with the Southern good old boy."
"North versus South, let's see who wants it more."
"It's easy to see who wants it more; Adonis with a cheap shot kick to Hillbilly's chest. Adrian with a diving smash of Hillbilly's face into the canvas, now off the ropes and down hard on him. Hooks the leg: one, two...no. Adonis stomping in the groin area; he'd better be careful there. Whips him into the ropes, kicks him in the chest again, and then smashes his face into the mat hard again. Tag to Muraco, and the Magnificent One immediately going up to the top rope, here he comes down...and misses! Both men down on the mat; let's see who gets the advantage here."
"That's the problem with those high-risk maneuvers on the top rope, Gorilla; you take too much time up there, and you could give your opponent a second wind easy."
"Hillbilly up first, hauls Muraco up and whips him into...no, Muraco reverses it...Hillbilly reverses again and smashes the beach bum into the corner! Now charging...no, misses. Muraco with a clear handful of hair as he whips Hillbilly into the ropes and tosses him high over his head; big impact there...and Hillbilly trying for the sunset flip, and he got him down: one, two...scissor kick breaks the hold. Hillbilly Jim now with the momentum, and a sharp blow to Muraco's chest, whips him into the ropes and a right cross sends him reeling. Hillbilly going off the ropes himself...and look at that, from the outside, Fuji with a cane shot to the back of Hillbilly's knee, come on! Hillbilly falling flat to the canvas, Muraco over, hooks the leg: one, two, three, give me a break! That's another Ultimate Warrior eliminated by dubious means!"
"Well, like I always say, Gorilla..."
"I know, I know, you win any way you can, Jesse, even though clearly everyone in the Saddledome who very clearly saw Fuji's interference for his man don't agree with you any more than I do," Monsoon held up a spare microphone to catch the rampant booing, "Muraco celebrating; he's got his back to the Ultimate Warriors' corner, and here comes the Warrior in himself...and look at this, he immediately pulls Muraco down from behind! A small package: one, two, three! He got him right off the bat!"
"He pulled the tights!" Ventura roared in frustration, "I want the replay up now; the Ultimate Warrior very visibly pulled Muraco's tights and held on to them to get that pin!"
"Let's take a look here," Monsoon squinted at the replay footage once it came up on the screen, "Hmm, maybe he does grab on a bit there..."
"What's this 'maybe' business; that's a clear cut hold!" the Body bellowed in frustration, "MORE dirty tactics by the always dirty Warrior, and it costs a good wrestler in Muraco a chance to go the distance in this match!"
"Four on three now as Honky with what appears to be great reluctance steps back in to face the opposing captain. Ultimate Warrior with several quick jabs to the Honky Tonk Man's face; now going for a sleeper of sorts..."
"And grabbing the hair again; he needs to be disqualified A.S.A.P.!"
"Honky Tonk Man breaks the hold with an elbow to the chest, now shoves the Warrior down to the mat, off the ropes, drops the hard elbow. The cover: one, two...kickout at the last minute. Honky in control now, whips the Warrior into the corner-look at this, Doink up on his shoulders and holding him in place for the splash; come on-and Doink now riding the Warrior around the ring like a cowboy...!"
"Yeeeeeee-haaaaaaaawwww, ride him, Doink!" Ventura laughed hard again.
"Doink smacking the Warrior hard on the rear end; Joey Marella ordering him to let go, to no avail. Honky Tonk Man running up from behind, kicks both of them hard into the ring post. Doink laughing as he slides out of the ring; Honky drags the Warrior up and starts smashing his face off the turnbuckle, now whips him back into the far corner, rushes-misses this time! Warrior grabs him around the waist and pulls him down..."
"ANOTHER tight pull; open your eyes, Marella!"
"Two count only there. Snuka and Koko calling for the Warrior to tag, but the team captain wanting to stay in a little longer, elbowing Honky hard in the ribs..."
"Of course the Warrior's not going to tag; he wants all the glory for himself-IF he's got the strength to put away the four remaining members of the Rock and Rollers."
"Ultimate Warrior has Honky around the chin, prancing and dancing all around the ring, charges forward and drives his opponent's head into the turnbuckle. Warrior going up to the top rope, has the Honky Tonk Man by the arm, jumps and slugs him down hard. Another cover: one, two...no. Warrior grabbing the ropes and shaking them; looks like he's powering up already..."
"If so, he's peaking too soon; still too many guys on the other team."
"Honky Tonk Man rushing for his corner while the Warrior powers up, tags in Doink, and the clown rushes the Warrior and grabs hold of the leg. Doink pushing the Warrior back into the corner-Warrior up against the post, plants Doink's head in a scissor hold, and slams him down into the lowermost post! Warrior raising the hand in triumph, now going up again-no, Doink grabbing onto the leg and keeping him from doing it. Warrior dropping that tactic, starts to whip Doink into...WHOA, look at that!" Monsoon exclaimed, for Doink's arm apparently came right off the moment the Warrior pulled him out of the corner. Stunned, the Warrior stared at the prosthetic limb in his hands, on which all the fingers except the index and middle abruptly retracted. Without warning, the hand sprung forward on a large spring and poked the Warrior in the eyes. Ventura again fell backwards in his chair, laughing uncontrollably. "That was even better!" he chortled loudly, "Good for you Doink, that was a terrific gag; Moe Howard, eat your heart out!"
"That was terrible!" Monsoon upbraided him, "Doink now pulling his good arm back out of his sleeve and tagging Honky back in. Warrior stumbling back into his corner, Snuka tags his arm, but wait a minute, I don't think the Warrior meant to tag there..."
"Well unfortunately..." Ventura was unable to speak for a few minute between a large burst of laughter before continuing, "unfortunately, Marella saw the tag, so it stands."
"And the Superfly indeed in the ring now, a few quick blows on the Honky Tonk Man, now a big slam. Warrior not out of the ring, he's coming over and shouting at Snuka that he didn't mean to tag him. Joey Marella trying to tell him like you had said, Jesse, that the tag does stand as official. Warrior doesn't look like he's placated, though, and I think he's shouting that he's still the legal man..."
"Well like I said, Gorilla, tough luck for him."
"Snuka shouting at the Warrior to get out and let him have his shot at the Honky Tonk Man, holding the Rock and Rollers' captain at arm length to give-and Honky reverses him with an arm drag while he's shouting at the Warrior and shoves both of them into the ring post! Honky Tonk Man yanks the Superfly back out, gives him a short clothesline, now hooks him into position, and here it comes-Shake, Rattle & Roll! One, two, three; forget about it!"
"And that was the Warrior's fault; if he'd accepted the tag and stayed outside, his team wouldn't be in a four to two hole right now."
"Koko in now, Warrior still in...and it looks like they're going at it now! Koko and the Ultimate Warrior in each other's faces; both looking incensed at each other..."
"And I guess it's safe to say the Ultimate Warriors have completely fallen apart by this point, Gorilla."
"Honky Tonk Man meanwhile with the tag to Harley Race; the King in, grabs both members of the Ultimate Warriors, and gives them a head conk! Race turning his attention to the Birdman, whips him off the ropes and flips him high-Koko now trying for the sunset flip, but a slug to the face stops that. Warrior still in the ring, coming over to attack Race; Joey Marella trying to hold him back, but actually, Jesse, I do have to wonder, who is the legal man for the Ultimate Warriors right now?"
"Beats me, and I can guarantee you Marella doesn't have a clue either-not that he'd have the brain power to figure it out anyway."
"Warrior with a kick at Race; Koko still yelling at him to get out..."
"Warrior better be careful; Koko could sic Frankie on him if he's not careful, and who knows if that overgrown pigeon's had his rabies shots yet?"
"Will you stop!? Both men yanking the King in different directions; Marella looks just as confused who to tell to get out as we are here...and there's the answer right there, Koko climbing out of the ring, looking furious; I think he's yelling at the Warrior now, 'You want the glory, get it on your own!'-whoa, who could have seen this coming? And it looks...yes, Koko's leaving! Koko B. Ware taking Frankie's perch and walking away from ringside, abandoning the Warrior to the Rock and Rollers!"
"Good for Koko; I usually don't have anything good to say about the man, but I commend the Birdman for making a noble stand here against the Ultimate Warrior's ego."
"Harley Race flattening the Ultimate Warrior with a clothesline, then follows it up with a backbreaker, and the cover: one, two...no. The King going up to the top rope, stands tall, and down-wham! Another cover: one, two...just misses there as well. Race with the tag to Adonis, who hauls the Warrior up and gives him a powerslam..."
"I'm back," Stu announced to his family in the front row, sitting back down, "Mr. Traylor's on it; Bret and Jim'll be picking him up outside as soon as possible."
"And if they destroy anything with that cursed monster truck trying to find Hogan, it's not our fault," Ellie grumbled, "You didn't miss too much, Dad; the Warrior's getting pummeled to a pulp."
"Come on Warrior, you've done it before; do it again!" young Harry cheered him on, grimacing as Adonis gave the Warrior a hard elbow to the throat in the corner.
"Are you kidding; let him get eliminated," Dallas countered to his cousin, "I like Koko, and he chased him off."
"Well maybe it actually was his time in the ring, and..."
"WHOA!" the entire Hart clan gasped as Adonis threw the Warrior out of the ring onto the timekeeper's table, and Race then dove and landed on top of him, smashing the table clean in half. "Wow, give the King a hand there; that was a brilliant maneuver," Ventura applauded on the air, "Great teamwork between him and Adonis."
"What teamwork? Race had no right to do that when he hadn't been tagged, and the Warrior might just have been critically injured in a stunt like that!" Monsoon was appalled, "Adonis, the actual legal man, tagging in Doink, and the clown out of the ring, dragging the Warrior out of the wreckage of the table and back into the ring. Doink waving his arms, he may be ready to go for the Stump Puller, and he's...no he's not, Warrior flips him over for the pin: one, two...just missed-but now the Warrior lifting Doink above his head, and hurls him clean out of the ring! Doink once again rolling under the ring, and now back out again; I'm starting to wonder here..."
"Now what I'm wondering, where'd that fake arm go?" Ventura mused, "He ought to slap the Warrior across the face with that; that'll do the job right, and it'll be another funny joke."
"It'll also get him disqualified, because after what he pulled earlier in the match with the flaming snake can, he has no leeway to work with. Ultimate Warrior diving out of the ring, a hard series off jabs right at Doink's face; now he grabs him by the nose (several people in the front few rows laughed as Doink's nose honked loudly when seized), and whoa, whips him hard into the ring post. Doink trying to crawl under again, but this time the Warrior grabs the legs and pulls him back out, now picks him up for the...and what is this!?" he exclaimed as no fewer than eight identical Doinks crawled out from under the ring and swarmed around the Warrior, pies in hand, "So this is why he kept going out of sight; he had an army under there to relieve him!"
"Never mind that; give him the pies, Doink, whichever one you actually are; let him have it good!" Ventura egged on all the Doinks, who in fact threw their pies in the Warrior's face before he could react, then squirted him in unison with their buttonhole flowers. The bell rang loudly. "Doink the Clown has been disqualified," came the official announcement from Finkel, "Further, if all the Doinks do not leave ringside area at this moment, the real Doink, once identified, will receive a lifetime suspension."
The crowd cheered as one. Growling, the Doinks all took turns stamping on the Warrior's feet as they trudged out of the arena. "You know, there's a weakness in this; if they can't possibly identify the real Doink among them, there's no way they can fine or suspend him," Ventura opined.
"Oh they're figure it out; Doink's been fingerprinted, same as any other wrestler, and it'll be easy matching him up to find the right one," Monsoon told him, "In the meantime, you can bet he will be fined for this trick, keeping lookalikes under the ring so there'd always be a fresh clown to wreak havoc. The match continues now, as Race off the apron and pounding the Warrior to the mats. The King rolls the Warrior into the ring, starts up to the top rope, he takes a look down and leaps-and misses! Ultimate Warrior back to his feet; looks like he's getting powered up again. Race with an axhandle to the back of the head, but no effect! Ultimate Warrior scoops the King up and slams him, and now the cover: one, two...just missed the three count. A lot at stake for the Warrior in this one, as we know he's still trying to impress World Wrestling Federation champion Hulk Hogan into letting him join the Mega Powers Rock 'n Wrestling Connection, so if he can somehow survive on his own against the remaining members of the Rock and Rollers, that just might be enough to give him entrance to the team."
"Sure, and since we know Marella's Hogan's personal ref, he might just disqualify the rest of the Rock and Rollers for no good reason just to give this moron the chance."
"Jesse, I'm getting VERY tired of you harping on Joey Marella, who has done nothing but...Warrior with the hard clothesline, and Harley Race down flat on the mat!" Monsoon stopped the countering in mid-sentence, "Ultimate Warrior grabbing the ropes and shaking them like crazy; he's getting his power from the gods now..."
"But we're not going to tell you at home what that means, because Jack Tunney's insistence on being family friendly amounts to a gag order on some things," the Body grumbled.
"Will you stop!? Warrior with a diving splash on the King, and another cover: one, two...another last second kickout by Race. Ultimate Warrior whips Race into the ropes, Harley ducks under the clothesline attempt, ducks under it again, and a tag to the Honky Tonk Man. Honky hesitantly enters the ring-and the Warrior all over him in a flash, pounding him with everything in his arsenal. Now a gutwrench suplex takes him down, followed by a stomp where it really hurts. Honky Tonk Man throws his hands up in desperation, begging the Warrior to leave him alone, but gets a kick to the chest for his troubles."
"Yeah, the great and good Warrior essentially shooting a surrendering soldier-and look at that, another hair pull!" Ventura complained loudly, "Marella's in his back pocket too, I'll bet-and Warrior now dropping Honky's throat on the ropes too! You complain about that move all the time, Gorilla, and now I don't hear a peep from you; this is hypocrisy at its...!"
"Whoa, Warrior trying the Irish whip, and Honky reverses him straight into Joey Marella, who goes down hard!" Monsoon rose up, concern on his face for Marella's well being, "Ultimate Warrior undeterred, shoves the Honky Tonk Man into the turnbuckle, charges in on him and splashes him hard. More punches to the face as Marella slowly gets up, although he's still...hang on, Honky Tonk Man reaching outside the ropes, here comes Jimmy Hart, who presses the megaphone into his man's hand. Warrior doesn't see it coming, he'd better...oh no, Honky Tonk Man smashes him in the face with the megaphone!" he groaned at the sight of the Warrior crumpling to the mat from the impact, just as Marella returned fully to his feet. The Honky Tonk Man tossed the megaphone back out of the ring and covered the Warrior, then grabbed the ropes for more support once Marella started counting, which proved enough to keep the Warrior down for the three count and the final victory. The bell rang loudly. "Here are the sole survivors," Finkel announced over the booing, "Adrian Adonis, the King Harley Race, and the Honky Tonk Man!"
"Thank you, thank you very much; you're beautiful," the Honky Tonk Man grabbed the microphone and thanked his "fans," oblivious to the boos, "And now, for your pleasure, let's rock with the main song to celebrate."
He took his guitar from his manager and started singing with his theme song as it blared over the loudspeakers, swiveling his hips like crazy to go with it. "Rather revolting display here by the Honky Tonk Man after that cheap garbage win," Monsoon grumbled.
"Well I like it, and look, Race and Adonis can move too," Ventura pointed to the Honky Tonk Man's teammates dancing with him in the ring now."
"Let's take a look back at the replay," Monsoon rolled his eyes, "Honky was in a whole heap of trouble here in the corner, and then just like that, the Mouth gives him that megaphone, and it's lights out for the Ultimate Warrior; what a terrible end to a well-fought match."
"Well look at it this way; it would have been worse if he'd used the guitar," Ventura rationalized, "We all know that might have actually caused some damage...if the Warrior actually had anything inside his head, that is."
"Will you stop!? Stay tuned folks; we're going to take a brief break, and when we come back, we've got out big tag team extravaganza coming your way..."
