2. Tonks's dream
Sirius gone, SIRIUS GONE, the words played like a mantra in her head. Even though she tried to stop them. It was her fault. She should've finished Bellatrix. Poor Harry; he would never forgive her. And now he was all alone.
No. No he isn't, I'll take him in myself if need be. He's not alone. A fierce thought contradicted the mantra.
Though she suspected Molly would beat her to taking him in, she would still would be willing. It was thanks to Mad-Eye that she was alive at all. She didn't know what he had done to fix her, but she felt ok, just very tired. She had already thanked Mad-Eye and he had given her stern instructions to stay with Lupin or Molly that night, so that someone could make sure she was going to be alright, and wake her up at least twice. She felt guilty to be a burden, but Moody was very firm. She had offered to stay behind and help move the remaining Death Eaters, whilst Lupin oversaw Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and Luna back to Hogwarts using a Portkey.
Lupin.
The thought struck her, as horrible and fast as lightening.
She remembered Lupin's words to poor Harry as he'd struggled to find Sirius. Mad-Eye had just managed to revive her. She had been able to hear but not to see. In the silence she heard the words. And they had locked her chest tight, kept her from breathing.
"There's nothing you can do, Harry...Nothing. He's gone." Looking back, she heard the pain laced in those words, and knew that those were the words that Lupin said to try to convince himself as much as Harry. She gasped, and as two Ministry officials came back through the door with more enchanted rope, she dragged the last Death Eater hurriedly to them, hastily finishing her work. And then she ran, ran like someone was chasing her. She disapparated quickly to the front step of Grimmauld Place, and just the sight of the door tightened her chest; she blinked back tears. Remorse and sorrow filling her as she realized she would never see Sirius in this house again.
She rushed through the door. Slamming it and hurriedly tapping it with her wand so that it would relock itself. She jogged down the hall, and tripped over the troll leg cloak-rack.
"Bloody darn thing." She swore quietly as she righted it and then went forward towards the kitchen entry.
She saw him. Lupin was sitting at the table, staring at a picture of the first Order of the Phoenix, his eyes wet. For all the rush she'd gone through to get there, she hesitated in the doorway, unsure of what to say.
She walked in slowly. He didn't even look up; he didn't seem to care, though he wiped his face hastily. She sat down next to him. Wishing she could just hug him. Her feelings for him had increased so much lately, and she wanted to tell him, but she was afraid he would react… badly.
She studied the picture for a moment, saddened when the sudden thought struck her that most of these people were dead. Gone forever. All because of the evil ambition and cruelty of one man. Hatred for Voldemort coursed through her veins. And she wanted to take him on right then. Wanted to kill him herself.
She focused on the picture again, and saw Sirius's face, standing with James, Lily, and Lupin. Huge smiles on all their faces.
And tears filled her eyes and overflowed onto her cheeks and she didn't even try to stop them.
A single teardrop fell onto the table beside her, and she saw that Lupin was crying also. The last of his old friends was Sirius. And he was gone. He was the only one of them left.
He finally looked up at her, and the pain and grief she saw in his eyes broke her heart cleanly in two.
She reached out a hand and slowly put it on his shoulder, trying to comfort him somehow.
For a moment, his tear-filled eyes stared into hers and then he was pulling her close. Wrapping her in his arms and holding her close. She felt his body shaking slightly with sobs as he cried into her hair, and she soaked the shoulder of his robes with her tears.
They cried together for a long time. Disbelief making the pain worse. She wished they could have had a funeral, knowing that seeing him laid to rest would have comforted Lupin slightly; and Harry and herself also.
She wished Harry could be there with them, so she could hug him, and he wouldn't have to bear this burden of grief alone.
Their tears finally slowed in the comfort of each other's arms. Though Tonks thought the only reason hers had stopped was because her eyes had run out of them.
"Remus, I am so so sorry. I fully understand if you can't forgive me for what I'm about to tell you." She said, her voice breaking. She collected herself a moment before speaking again.
"It's my fault Sirius is gone. I stopped dueling Bellatrix. I should've finished her. I'm so sorry, Remus."
She was so ashamed she could hardly bring herself to speak the words.
"Thank you Dora." He said, his voice hoarse, but steadier now. "But listen carefully," He looked her in the eye, "This. Was. Not. Your. Fault. Bellatrix nearly killed you. Would have, if it hadn't been for Mad-Eye. Scared me so much, the sight of you falling down those steps..." He trailed off, horror mixing with his grief. He shuddered.
Love for him surged through her.
"I'm still here. And I won't ever leave you, I promise." She said solemnly.
She hugged him again, so that he wouldn't see into her eyes; see the love in that promise.
"Thank you." he whispered.
They sat quietly in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, remembering happier times there, times when Sirius had been with them. Christmas here, when they had been rejoicing that Arthur Weasley was alive, and Sirius had gone around singing "God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs."
All the late nights that Sirius, Lupin, and she had stayed up discussing Order business and other things.
Tears burned her eyes again, and she looked up at Lupin to see that his own were still running silently down his face. She didn't really think about what she was doing; she reached up and wiped away some of his tears. Her own spilling over again, seeing the pain he was in.
Lupin stared at her, surprised. Their eyes met; he must've been holding his breath, for it came out like a sort of gasp. She froze when he traced her chin gently. His eyes were full of a strange emotion she couldn't quite pin-point. He caressed her cheek and she bit back a groan as he traced gently over her lips.
He ran his hand slowly down her neck and to her shoulder. Her breath caught as he leaned forward slowly, his eyes on fire with that inrecognizable expression.
His mouth met hers gently, and she gasped, new tears in her eyes.
The sound seemed to ignite something between them. The gentle kiss that might have been disappeared. He kissed her passionately, desperately.
She returned it with the same ardor, and bittersweet joy filled her. She couldn't believe this was finally happening.
He pulled her closer still, and she held him tighter, never wanting this moment to end.
Warmth spread through her, like she was standing in the sun after a cold night, and being warmed by its' light. She kissed him like she'd been longing to. Her heartbeat was a hundred miles per hour, and she could hardly breathe.
She let herself drown in the love Lupin was giving her. His lips were soft yet urgent. She clung to him, his lips warming her, body and soul.
He pulled away after a time Tonks had no idea of.
Lupin leaned his forehead against hers, their breathing slowly returning to normal.
Her elation was beyond description, Lupin's eyes were full of joy at first too. But a new expression filled his eyes after a minute. He seemed to be warring between guilt and joy while they caught their breath.
She wanted to speak, but she didn't know what to say.
She looked up at him, a question on her lips.
She was still sitting close to him, his arms around her. She wrapped her arms around him and they sat on in the silence. Tonks no longer wanted to speak, but she had promised Mad-Eye...
"Remus, can I ask a terribly rude favor of you? Mad-Eye said someone should wake me up a couple times tonight to make sure I'm ok. He had urgent business to take care of, so he couldn't do it. I don't want to be a burden though, I can go to the Weasley's or my parents' house." She said uncertainly.
"Don't be silly Dora, you'd give them a heart attack if you went knocking at this hour. I'll check on you; let's just camp out in the living room tonight." He suggested.
"Thank you, Remus. That would be great." She said, very grateful. She really hadn't wanted to wake anyone; they would surely think she was a Death Eater.
"Alright if I just sleep on the couch?" She asked when they entered the living room. There was a bedroom off this room.
"You can have the bed, Dora." He said.
"No! You're already having to do too much for me tonight. Besides, the sofa is comfy." She said, patting it energetically.
His lips quirked up a bit at the corners and he seemed to accept defeat.
"If you change your mind..." He left the offer open.
"You'll know because you'll have been levitated off of your bed." She teased mischievously.
"Actually, you wouldn't even have to be going to that kind of trouble. Because I'm not going to be sleeping in it." He said.
"What? Where are you sleeping?" She asked, confused.
"On the floor." he said as a Summoned mat floated out of his room accompanied by two blankets and two pillows. He had a small house, but had been staying here lately, keeping Sirius company, and doing work for the Order.
He laid the mat beside the couch and gave Tonks a blanket and pillow. She took off her shoes and socks, so that she could sleep more comfortably. She lay down and tossed the blanket over her. She sank into the pillow; it smelled like Lupin; she smiled slightly.
"What?" Lupin asked curiously.
"Oh, nothing." She answered, preoccupied remembering the intoxicating way his lips moved with hers.
Lupin fixed his mat next to hers, and was preparing to lay down on it when she protested.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Going to sleep, and you?" He said casually. He was trying to act normally, but she could tell he was devastated.
"Remus please. Go to bed. I'm really fine. You don't even have to check on me. I feel good, actually." She said, yawning and stretching.
"No. Because if you're not fine, it will be on my head." He said firmly.
"And I care too much about you to let anything happen to you too." He said the last part quieter, looking down quickly, though not quickly enough for her to miss the pain that filled his eyes.
"Oh Remus..." She sat up, her eyes filling with tears. He came over and sat next to her and she put her arms around him.
"I'm sorry, Remus. And please don't worry about me at a time like this- I'm not going anywhere." She said softly.
She felt something wet in her hair and she hugged Remus tighter. Knowing nothing she could say now would help, she just held him.
Tonks awoke to see the weak light of dawn coming through the front window. It was so pretty...but where was she? She felt disoriented.
Then she remembered.
Sirius.
All of a sudden the light looked almost bleak. She buried her face in her pillow.
She was slowly starting to remember everything that had happened the night before. Sirius...gone, returning to Grimmauld Place, Lupin's tears, Lupin kissing her. She felt suddenly more awake. Had all that really happened? It felt like a dream...she realized she was covered by a blanket, and remembered that she and Lupin had fallen asleep in each other's arms. He must have left at some point in the night, for he now lay on his mat on the floor.
She vaguely recalled being woken up several times during the night.
She looked over at Lupin again, and saw that he wasn't actually asleep.
Sadness lined his face as he stared up at the ceiling.
"Wotcher," She said quietly.
He looked over to see her staring at him; she gave him a sad half-smile.
"Morning Dora," He replied.
"Did you sleep okay down there?" She asked, trying to keep it casual, hoping that not mentioning Sirius's name would somehow help. But in this house, memories were everywhere.
And it was painful, especially when she considered how Lupin must feel, having known him almost his whole life.
"Oh, yes- fine." He said, sounding as though his thoughts were a million miles away. Or several years away.
"You shouldn't lie, Remus." she sighed as she sat up.
"What?" He asked, surprised.
"You didn't sleep hardly at all." She said quietly, seeing dark shadows under his red eyes.
He shrugged. "I wouldn't have anyways," He must've seen that she was about to protest, for he quickly added "even if I had been in my own bed."
"I'm sorry." She whispered.
He took her hand and gave it a squeeze. "Thank you."
"Would you like some breakfast?" She asked mechanically. She wasn't hungry herself, but she knew they should eat.
"No, I'm alright." He said, and she suspected he felt like she did.
"Too bad." She said, trying to make her voice light but not really succeeding.
She padded barefoot into the kitchen and whipped up some toast so they'd at least have eaten something. She smoothed hair and brushed her teeth without any energy while she waited for it to warm.
Lupin came in as she was finishing up making breakfast.
"Dora, you didn't need to worry about this." He said.
"I don't mind." She insisted.
They sat down, and Tonks took a bite halfheartedly, and found she was ravenous.
Lupin simply looked at his.
"Remus. Eat it. It'll help." She said softly.
He nodded and obliged, albeit hesitantly.
After their quiet breakfast, Tonks cleaned up manually, not wanting to break any more plates.
Lupin helped her, silently drying the dishes she had washed.
She wished he would say something, or that she could think of something to say.
She wished she could take away this grief, fix it somehow.
When Lupin put away the last plate they still hadn't spoken a word.
He turned to walk away but she caught the back of his patched robes.
He turned, a horribly empty, forlorn look in his eyes.
"Come here." She said quietly, opening her arms.
He closed the distance between them in one stride, and caught her up, burying his face in her hair.
She felt his tears take over. Though she could tell by his breathing that he was trying to keep them at bay.
Her own eyes were swimming now.
"It's okay to cry, Remus." She whispered. She meant to say more, but the lump in her throat made it impossible to speak further.
He pulled her closer to him, and she held him tighter. He finally let himself cry, and her own tears spilled over, washing her face, as grief at losing Sirius and at seeing Lupin's pain engulfed her.
An hour later, they were now in the living room where they had slept. Sitting on the couch, and just trying to get a hold of themselves before they went to work.
She looked up at him, wondering if he even ought to worry about the Order today.
He was already gazing at her, and she met his eyes readily.
She saw a lone tear glittering on his cheek, and wiped it away gently.
He closed his eyes, looking even more pained.
"Dora, I apologize for what I'm about to say to you." He paused and took a deep breath. "Please know that I never meant to give you the wrong impression. I should have told you long ago."
Dread fell like a heavy rock in her gut. She'd been afraid of this.
"I...I shouldn't have, um..lost control and kissed you like that. I'm...sorry."
"Why?" She asked, stung.
He looked at her cautiously, and noticed in her voice what she'd tried to hide.
"Dora," He began, reaching out a hand as though to touch her face. He seemed to think better of it, and dropped it to his side. "I can't...we can't do…this." He mumbled.
"What is "this" exactly?" She asked, trying not to let her voice sound as angry as she felt.
"We can't just go on our merry way and fall in love. It's not that simple." He sighed, sounding tired.
"I'm not following you, why does it have to be complicated?" She asked. Mutual attraction was there, and she loved him dearly, though she wasn't about to tell him now. She didn't know if he felt the same way, though she had hoped for some time. What was so complicated?
"It doesn't have to be, it just is.
I'm too old for you, Dora. I'm 35 years old. You're only 22!
Doesn't it bother you? You should be with someone young. Someone your age." He wouldn't look at her.
"If it bothered me I wouldn't have kissed you, would I?" She fought hard to keep her tone level through this statement, but she thought he might've seen through her a bit.
"I am too poor. You know I can't keep work, though I've never told you why that is. The truth is..." He stopped; she saw fear plain on his face, and she thought she knew what he was about to say. He just had to think up as many "reasons" as he could for them not to fall in love, didn't he? Didn't he see that it was already too late for that?
"I'm...I'm a werewolf." He said, ashamed. Clearly he was afraid she wouldn't even talk to him anymore.
"I know." She said, shrugging.
He looked up at her, shocked. She was very glad to be able to see into his eyes.
"You know? How?" He asked, looking as though she'd announced she had broken into Gringotts or something.
Even if she hadn't known, it wouldn't have been all that hard to figure out.
"Cause Mad-Eye told me you were a werewolf right when I joined the Order. Doesn't bother me - it's not as though it makes you a different person." She said honestly.
"So you were okay enough with that knowledge to kiss me?" He exclaimed in disbelief; alarmed and angry that she could he so foolish.
"Relax, Remus. It's not like I go around looking for werewolves; walk up to them and tap them on the shoulder and ask 'can I kiss you?' Yes, I'm completely okay with this "knowledge"." She said firmly. "I know you, Remus, and I trust you. You're a good man." She said softly, wishing he could see it too.
He chuckled sadly. "I'm dangerous to you, Dora. I could never live with myself if I hurt you." He sounded so resigned, like that was something that would deter her.
"No, you're not. And besides, you won't have to worry about that anymore. Dumbledore has said that the new Potions master, Professor Slughorn, would gladly make the Wolfsbane potion for you - free." She reminded him of this news.
"But even if that wasn't the case, I still wouldn't care! I'm sorry that you have to carry this burden, because I know it's hard for you - but no one else thinks of you like that Remus - we all know you better than that...I know you better than that." She said earnestly.
He sighed. "Dora, I can't give you the sort of life you ought to have. And I'm not going to stand in the way of your happiness." He said, resolve settling into his voice.
"Well you are! I don't want to be rich, or find someone young, and danger doesn't bother me, I'm in more danger from my everyday career than you could put me in in a lifetime!" She didn't understand why he was being this way. This 'I'm not good enough for you' speech was ridiculous! She would have married him in a heartbeat. But she was just as stubborn as he was. She loved him, and she wasn't giving up this easily.
"You don't understand, Dora." He said tiredly.
His words stung.
"You're right, I don't. I don't understand how you can't see what a good man you are, Remus." She said, exasperated.
"I would have thought you would know me better than that by now." She said angrily.
"Dora, you don't know what you're saying. I will not put you in danger and ruin your life." He said firmly.
"You are the best thing in my life! The only way you could ruin my life is by dying or leaving me forever." She said hotly. She couldn't believe him. Well, actually she could. But she was still furious.
"Well I'm not dying, but really Dora, can't you see that I'm doing this because I care about you?" He asked, his voice gentle; maddeningly so.
She hated knowing her cared for her when he wouldn't even look at her. Pain coursed through her at the prospect of knowing that each of them harbored feelings for each other if they could never be more than friends.
Before she could reply, before she could yell at him that he was being an idiot, Mad-Eye barged through the door.
"Mad-Eye! What's happened, is everyone-" Tonks asked, worried.
"Everyone's fine, fine. Dumbledore wanted me tell everyone we can't use this place as headquarters for the Order till we sort out Sirius's will." She felt Lupin flinch when Mad-Eye said Sirius.
She went to lay a hand over his, compassion overcoming her anger at him, but he stood suddenly.
"Right, of course." Tonks said, her business-like side taking over.
They took out anything important they needed in case something happened and the secret of 12 Grimmauld Place was discovered by Death Eaters.
Over the next three months, Lupin increasingly avoided Tonks, clearly not wanting to hear her arguments. He was not happy; any fool would recognize that straight away. He never looked into her eyes, and left the room hastily whenever they were alone together. She had tried, on several other occasions, to convince him that he was being ridiculous. But he never listened. The only person Tonks confided this all to was Molly Weasley. She was so understanding, and invited Tonks round often, hoping to distract her. Snape, shrewd as he was, guessed the reason for her changed Patronus and mocked her. She had tried believing what Lupin said about Snape being on their side, but she really just didn't like the man. He was so nasty to everyone.
And so Tonks had fallen into a sad state, loving a man as stubborn as she was. Her hair became a dull brown in reflection of her depression. Lupin just didn't care, it seemed. When Hogwarts was scheduled to restart, the Ministry wanted Aurors in Hogsmeade to help guard the school and its' students. She was chosen at the Ministry, and she went to Dumbledore and asked for a posting at Hogsmeade from the Order too. And so the year wore on. She saw little of Lupin. She had hoped seeing less of him would help; also she was still angry with him for ignoring her and decided that two could play at that game.
She hated that game, but it continued till the night Dumbledore died, and she had been moved by Fleur's unchanging love for Bill, and she hadn't been able to hold it in anymore.
To her surprise and gratitude, Molly, Arthur, and Minerva McGonagall all stood behind her.
He finally gave up...
Tonks awoke from the dream, and rubbed her eyes, looking around sleepily. Where was she?
She was lying on a comfy old sofa, a blanket covering her, facing the window.
Memory started to come slowly back to her...Lupin. She smiled to herself.
Lupin had moved at some point during the night, and was now sleeping in the armchair; he was such a gentlemen.
She lay there for a moment, recalling Lupin's sweet kisses the night before; falling asleep in each others' arms while talking.
He wanted to know everything she'd been doing, how it was to work at Hogsmeade. He was rather jealous of her being near the Three Broomsticks.
She had laughed at him.
It was nice to be distracted from the coming war, but she knew it was on both of their minds.
The memories had made her smile. She remembered her dream also. When she and Lupin had started to travel down this rocky road. Right after Sirius had died.
She didn't allow herself to keep remembering Sirius and her sadness of Dumbledore. She focused instead on unexpected happy events.
She laid back onto the couch, thinking of Lupin, his warm eyes.
And she did something she normally never she allowed herself to do. She dozed off again, dreaming.
