Right, so! On to the story. The magnificent, beautiful story that will make you cry tears of joy. The story that can do no wrong. The story to make lesser stories tremble in it's wake. The story whose beauty sailed one thousand ships!
Annnddd... Here it goes!
Starting Now!
Now.
NOW!
There was a huge, booming crash from downstairs. "HAAARRRYYY!" Dudley roared.
On my bed, I rolled my eyes. "Oh my Merlin, not again." What had he tried to blow his nose on this time, the neighbour's cactus?
Dudley came rumbling up the stairs. Every time a foot fell the entirety of Number 4 trembled beneath his mass.
He stopped outside my door and began pawing at the many locks. Eagerly, I got into a runner's stance. Hey, I may not be athletic, but I can certainly run circles around the Dursleys.
The door swung open, and I raced for it...
Only to bounce off of dearest Dudder's stomach.
I ran at him again, determined that I would escape. I climbed up his vast bulk like a tailless monkey. I may have clawed at him as well, and kicked him in the nethers. Just as I was scrambling over his head, I was grabbed.
And used as a hankerchief.
Parrrp!
"Duddy-kins! Come on, dear, it's time to leave!" Aunt Petunia shrilled from downstairs.
Dudley turned away and threw me on the ground. "Ah, that's better," he sighed. The door slammed shut behind him, and I heard him begin to do up all the locks again. "Coming, Mum!" he bellowed. Where on earth could they be going in this heat? I wondered.
I scowled, and gingerly felt my hair. It was full of fresh snot. And old boogies to, I hadn't been allowed to shower all summer, water restrictions, you know how it is. I picked myself up off the floor. I looked out my window to see the Dursley's pulling out of the driveway. Finally, some peace! If only for a few hours. Oh well, I'd just have to apply myself.
What could I possibly do to escape this hell hole? I had been used as a hankerchief too many times. All the neglect, little food, and endless chores weren't helping either, I assure you. I had to escape and do my homework!
Ugh, I disgust myself sometimes.
I pulled up the loose floorboard under my bed, and felt around in the crawlspace for some cake. Mrs. Weasley had been kind enough to listen to my pleas for food (Dudley had gone on a diet again) and had sent me an enormous chocolate cake for my birthday. She hadn't made any effort to rescue me though. Oh well, I'd have to do that myself.
I munched on the last piece of cake. It was getting rather stale, and the crumbs stuck in my throat.
GAAK GAKK GAK! I coughed. Crumbs came flying out of my mouth and landed on the floor.
I looked mournfully in the crawlspace and shrugged. Oh well. Now that the cake and the Dursleys were gone, I'd really have to put my mind to becoming Houdini and not lay around being a snot-rag. I pulled up a few more floorboards. I stuck them against the wall and wriggled my way into the crawlspace. It was very dark in here, I thought to myself. I crawled away from the hole in my floor, careful not to hit any nails. Once I had found a suitable spot, I began testing the ceiling for loose boards.
I was quite surprised I hadn't thought of this before! But then again, lack of cake does make one desperate! Even if it had only been a few minutes.
I managed to find a board that seemed a bit rickety. I stomped on it, somehow working up enough force to make it fall to the ground below. It was kind of weird actually, seeing as how I couldn't jump up and down on it or anything. I lowered myself down through the hole. I looked around.
I hadn't exactly put much thought into my great escape, if you can't tell, and unfortunately there were no motorbikes for me to ride around the countryside on. Mind you, there were no Nazis chasing me, either. I considered that a plus.
My ill-planned escape would have to happen in the broad daylight, while the Dursley's were busy out around town. I shrugged. Since they were out doing whatever it was they did outside of this rotten hell hole, it didn't matter. I sauntered towards the cupboard under the stairs to get my things. Since I didn't want to be expelled, I wouldn't be able to use magic, so I'd have to leave my trunk here, but I could certainly take my Nimbus and cloak. And my wand too of course, I mean why on earth would I leave that here, it would be such a bad idea. The Dursley's might break it, it would be totally in character for them.
The cupboard wasn't locked, which was strange. I raised my eyebrows. Whatever. I grabbed my Nimbus, and rooted around in my trunk for my wand and cloak. I was just pulling it out when I heard the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. The doors opened, and the house juddered slightly as Uncle Vernon and Dudley got out.
Well, I mused, that didn't take very long. Or maybe I took more time than I thought. I tugged the cloak over my head, clutching my wand to my chest. I mounted my broom, ready to race out the front door as soon as Vernon and Dudley stopped blocking it with their bulk.
STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP. Uncle Vern and Dudders made their way to the front door. I could barely hear Aunt Petunia's shrill voice over the sound of them huffing and puffing. I grimaced. If they didn't lose some weight soon, Aunt Petunia would surely survive them both.
The door creaked open, and Uncle Vernon somehow managed to squeeze through. I was surprised that he didn't have to turn sideways.
Hey, maybe that explains the door replacement last month. Now don't get me wrong! I have nothing against fat people! But you have to admit, there is a point where it gets unhealthy, and Uncle Vernon and Dudley have long since passed that point. My dearest cousin is the size of a baby killer whale. And Uncle... well, I'm having a hard time finding the words. Let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if he dropped dead of a heart attack.
As soon as my relatives had cleared the door, I was off!
Unfortunately, Aunt Petunia closed it before I could fly through.
BANG! I caromed off the door, landing dazed and in a heap on the floor.
Aunt Petunia shrieked, and I winced. Damn, that woman had a voice like a harpy. Uncle Vernon drew in breath to yell as his face turned a mottled, angry shade of red.
I leapt to my feet, threw open the door, and ran unsteadily down the street.
And thus, my criminal career began.
Well no, what actually happened was that I got on my Nimbus and flew to Ron's. But me being a criminal would make things interesting, wouldn't it?
