Part II: Please Tip Your Waiter


"This is delicious," Amy Pond said. "Good call, honey."

"Thank you, mother," River Song answered. She looked pleased with herself.

"Aren't you eating, Doctor?" Rory Williams asked.

"No," the Doctor answered. "I had it for lunch. Don't want it again."

"Dad is being Mr. Grumpypants," Jenny said. "He's still upset about the zombies, earlier.

"You mentioned," Rory said. "What exactly happened with the zombies?"

"It all started," Susan Foreman said, "because granddad was lost."

"I was not lost," the Doctor said, annoyed. He crossed his arms. "Just… misplaced."

"Lost," River, Jenny, and Susan all mouthed at Amy and Rory. Amy covered a snort of laughter by pretending to take a drink of wine.

When she recovered, Amy asked, "What about the zombies?"

"After I got us back on track," River said, undeterred by the Doctor's annoyed noise of disapproval, "the girls and I flew us here for lunch. And it turned out they had a little zombie problem in the area."

"There were zombies in Rome?" Rory asked. He raised an eyebrow. "Couldn't, you know, the church take care of that?"

"They were cyber-zombies from 90th century Venus," Susan supplied. "It's really quite an interesting story how they got here…"

A waiter appeared and filled water glasses. "Is the food not to your liking, signor?" he asked the Doctor, concern clear on his face. "If there is something wrong with it, not to your taste? I can have the kitchen prepare you something else."

"I had Italian for lunch," the Doctor says.

"Don't worry about him," Jenny says, "he's being Mr. Grumpypants."

The waiter blinked. "Signor…"

"Grumpypants," Jenny said with a nod and a smile. "Yep.

"I see." The waiter looked to the Doctor. "Signor Grumpypants, may I take your plate?"

Amy began to choke on laughter and marinara. Rory attempted to pound her on the back while trying to not to laugh wine out his nose. Susan face-planted on the table and hammered a fist on it, unable to speak through her own laughter. Jenny giggled uncontrollably and kept trying to speak.

River fell onto the floor. She could be heard laughing under the table.

"Yes," the Doctor said in a low voice. "Perhaps some new dinner companions, as well."

"Was it something I said?" the waiter asked.

"Never mind," the Doctor said with a sigh. "What I get, I suppose, for traveling with mad people."

With a nod of agreement and a look on his face that said he had no idea what was going on, the waiter picked up the Doctor's plate. "Perhaps, instead," he began, "you would like to try…" With his right hand, he drew a wicked, curved knife from beneath his neat half-apron. "…death, Signor Grumpypants!"

"Gah!" The Doctor squawked in alarm as Jenny shoved his chair sideways with a combat booted kick.

The waiter's attack missed him. "Mum!" Jenny shouted.

Alpha meson blasts fired through the table. Platters of food exploded. Marinara and alfredo sprayed everywhere; the pizza was holed; a bowl of red pepper flakes shattered and sent its contents into the air; Rory began to sneeze.

With a savage yell, Jenny chopped with a knife-edged hand into the waiter's mid-section. He bent double as the air rushed from his lungs. He still clutched the Doctor's plate in his hand. Jenny stamped down with her boot on his instep and he howled and hopped onto the other foot.

Another blast came through the table, burned its way through the loaf of garlic bread, and destroyed the knife in the waiter's right hand. With a snarl, he leapt onto the table, leapt between Amy and Rory, and paused in the doorway of the private room. He pointed a finger at the Doctor.

"You have not seen the last of us, Signor Dottore Grumpypants! Your death has been ordained!"

He dashed out the door. Rory leaped up from the table and slammed the door to the room shut; he wedged a chair under the knob.

River combat-crawled out from under the table, her blaster still in her hand. She made her way to the Doctor. "Are you all right, sweetie?"

The Doctor was on his side on the floor, still in a seated position. "He tried to kill me," he said in a conversational tone. "Why would he do that?"

"You should have eaten," Susan suggested.

"Great waiter, though," Amy said, "he never dropped your plate."

"We need to get out of here, obviously," the Doctor said as he got up from the floor and helped River to her feet.

"Out here," Rory said. He began to feel along the back wall.

"Hey, stupid face," Amy called, "there's no door there!"

"Ha," Rory laughed. He pushed at a spot low on the wall, and a hidden door swung open.

"How could you possibly know that was there?" Amy asked.

Rory tapped his temple. "I remember," he said, "this building was around when I was a centurion, in Rome. It was a bar, then, lots of underworld trade. Good place to buy weapons that you weren't supposed to carry in the city."

"Right," the Doctor said, "let's take the exit, then. I don't know why someone would possibly want to kill me, I'm such a wonderful person."

"Yeah," Amy said, "who would possibly want you dead? Let's think about that for a second..."

"Everyone," Amy, Rory, River, Jenny, and Susan all said at once.