Chapter 12
Excerpt from The Insides of Emptiness
SilentFrenzy
Summer of 1998, post-war
Draco found his mother in the sitting room of their hidden home where she was staring off, her face resting in her pale hand. There was a slight frown on her well-aged face as she seemed to be lost in her thoughts, most likely unpleasant ones. He went to her silently, sitting beside her on the couch and pulling her to his side as he wrapped his arms around her frame and kissed her head. He felt her arms move around him to return his embrace and she pressed her face into his shoulder, breathing deeply as they held each other. He felt her shake slightly and he frowned, holding her tighter. She needed to get out of the house. "My Draco," she breathed, pulling back and kissing his cheeks. "What would I do without you?"
"I believe that is my question to you," he replied, allowing the corner of his lips to turn up slightly in a small smile. He handed her a box of a candy she was fond of and she smacked his arm lightly. "Draco. You know better than to constantly bring me sweets. You can't make me fat! Just because I haven't been going out too much lately does not mean I can let myself go. Who do you think I am?" She scolded him half-heartedly, opening the box as she spoke to eat one.
"Your weight has never once changed from the first memory I have of you, and I've seen you eat many more sweets than that at one time. I doubt you have the ability to become fat," he told her, shaking his head. "You definitely don't have the ability to let yourself go. Even during the war you were always perfectly kept, and you saw how the rest of us looked."
"You're a liar," she said scowling, eating another. "It's not good to lie to your mother."
"It's not good to be insecure as Mrs. Malfoy either."
"There's a new Mrs. Malfoy now," his mother huffed, scowling at him. "I can't compete with a teenager."
"That teenager can't compete with you and neither can anyone else," he told her chuckling.
Narcissa smiled at him and grabbed his hand to kiss it, holding it while covering it with the other. "I feel bad for the rest of the mothers in the world. None of them have a son quite like you."
"You ought to feel sorry for every single person who never encounters my perfect presence, not just other mothers."
His mother snorted loudly and shook her head, waving her wand to pour them both glasses of lemon water. "Now that is far too much of a stretch. My compliment was already exaggerated, no need to go and sound ridiculous. You know you're rotten to everyone else besides me."
"I'm not sure about that, mother. Astoria's face was quite disappointed when I left her alone for you," he told her, knowing this was the kind of information she wanted.
He might as well humor her.
She paused as her water glass touched her lips and she smirked before taking a drink. "I see. So you both are getting along well and spending time together?"
"Well are we not meant to procreate?" He drawled. He knew this was not the response she had wanted. He thought of bringing children into the world now, with everything going on and with how overwhelmed he felt as it is. He supposed it wasn't his job to take care of them; so he shouldn't care ultimately. It was hard for him to wrap his head around having his own children. He had never cared much for children. Would he be able to love them?
"Draco," his mother said, sounding far from amused. "You know we are not talking about your sexual relationship, and I can only hope you are not only using her for that. You had more than enough time for that nonsense which I am well aware you used every bit of that time to your liking."
"She's not as.. Bland as I had thought. Her mind surprisingly isn't empty," Draco said slowly.
"Draco, for as much as you respect me you truly have no idea how clueless you are about women. This may be news to you, but women are in fact human beings with thoughts and emotions, often more than men actually."
"Mmm." Draco tilted his glass from side to side, watching the pieces of ice move. "I was looking through your photos from Hogwarts."
Narcissa started to protest about the change of subject before she raised an eyebrow, looking curious and surprised. "Why would you do that? You couldn't possibly be interested in your mother's boring life."
"Two of the Aurors were going on about Astoria's mother. According to them her appearance and attitude did not match. Though I suppose they think all of us horrible so it's hard to take their opinions for more than a grain of salt," he told her, watching her mouth twitch with amusement.
"So you care about Freya Greengrass but not your own mother? I'm wounded," she said, laughing lightly.
"If it helps your pain, it was Blaise who wanted to see what she looked like."
His mother rolled her eyes. "Honestly, you've all seen her many times growing up. How do you not take note of anything? And here you are accusing women of having empty minds."
Draco scoffed. "As I believed I had seen you many times growing up, mother. You came off incredibly different in the photo I was looking at."
"Well, yes I suppose you're right. I was definitely no Freya Krat in school I can assure you if that is who you are comparing to."
"You were friends."
"Friends? Oh no, Draco," she laughed, shaking her head. "I suppose I tried to be her friend and I spent time with her, but she didn't care to have friends. She was a bit nasty actually. She was also in the year above me. The closest thing she had to a friend was Joseph Nott, and we all know how that ended up," she said, clicking her tongue.
"No, we all do not know how that ended up," he said, rolling his eyes. "As we all are not gossiping women."
"Do not belittle women to me, a woman, Draco," Narcissa said shortly. "Besides, do not act as if men don't participate in gossip. You only call it something different, but it is still the same."
Draco entered his mother's mind impatiently, ignoring her attempts to block him. His mother was fine at Occlumency, but his Legilimency was better.
Narcissa Black rushed up next to Freya Krat as she confidently made were way through the halls, barely glancing down at Narcissa. "Black," she quipped, smirking at a nearby Ravenclaw who was making eyes at her. She winked at him and Narcissa shook her head in disgust. "Why do you entertain them? They have no respect for us," she ask, sniffing and looking at the boy distastefully.
"Oh darling Narcissa, the only people who have respect for us are ourselves," Freya said smoothly.
"My question still stands."
"It feels good to have power in some way. Power that doesn't come secondhand from a man that you have to be latched to in order to obtain it," Freya spit the last bit out, looking crossed.
"You don't have power over them. You're only feeding into their desires."
"Exactly. Their desires for me. Which they will never have. Power, Narcissa. Learn it. Wield it. Use it."
"And what exactly is the point of using it? What does "power" like that get me?"
"Nothing but a bit of pride for once in our unfortunate existences," Freya muttered, her hard expression turning to something polite and neutral as she passed a group of pure-blood men looking at them, her strut slowing to a more modest, but still confident stride.
"Our existences aren't miserable," Narcissa sighed. "You mustn't be so negative. You are just looking at what we don't have instead of what we do have. Don't be ungrateful, especially you of all people. You will have more than one offer from great families offering their name to you."
"I of all people am well aware of that. I am paying for what I'm receiving, so I am allowed to complain about it all I'd like."
"Well, I have to pay the same and I am far less attitude ridden than you," Narcissa huffed, straightening her robes as she walked.
"I am not you, Black."
"You're right. You're better than me. You have a lot more options in family than I do. My parents inform me often."
"I'm better you in the fact that I'm not pathetic enough to state such a ridiculous thing out loud. You shouldn't admit or believe anyone better than you, especially not one of us," Freya replied, looking disgusted at Narcissa.
"It's a simple fact and as long as I can accept something I can change it," Narcissa told her confidently, unbothered by her look.
Freya snorted and kept walking, practically bouncing down the long flight of stairs.
"I'm not stupid. Or naive, Freya."
"I never said you were stupid, but I am quite sure you are more stupid than I am. However, you are incredibly naive."
"Is that so? And how have you come to that conclusion?"
"You're hopeful. You think we have it made. You think if you keep all of your business in check and land a decent husband then everything will be perfect. Your parents will be happy, your bloodline will stay perfect, and everything will be glamorous. You'll be on top of the world. What you don't understand is that after this? After all of the effort and worrying and trampling your self worth to the ground for some man who doesn't give a single shit about you and will never give a single shit about you? There's nothing after. It starts over again."
Narcissa looked away from Freya, focusing her gaze elsewhere while she looked slightly disturbed. "Well if you don't want this life then you should simply step down, move on, and stop taking opportunities from other girls who do want it."
Freya laughed. "I never said I didn't want it. I will have it, and I will step on every single miserable bitch on the way there if I have to." Freya spotted Lucius Malfoy, giving him a small, shy smile. "Because that's what we do isn't it? Ah. I believe Abraxas Malfoy is rather fond of my father. I wasn't too concerned with Malfoy before, but you are, and I am not above pettiness for the sake of pettiness."
Narcissa looked irritable, but didn't protest to her comments about going after Narcissa's desirable. "No, Narcissa. I will not step down. We are what we are, and there is no escaping it. There is no point in making it more difficult for myself than it has to be. So we will both do as we are told, and we will both end up miserable. We will both raise our children the same as we were raised, and we will raise our daughters to believe their whole world is about pleasing those men they kill themselves to impress but never do, and we will raise our sons to expect the world to bow at their feet and make them believe that they deserve to have the world bow at their feet. Our sons will see how we are treated by their fathers and they will pay it no mind because that's just the way it is, or perhaps they will have empathy for us, but only to turn around and do the same to their own wives because that's all they know, and we will allow it because that's just the way it is. Well, while I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, you can bet all you have that I will do it the best. Better than you and everyone else," Freya said, her voice strong. "As you are trying to do the same, Narcissa, but I advise you wipe that look of hope off of your face. There is nothing men are attracted to beating the life out of more than hope."
Narcissa sighed, looking at the ground now as she walked, shaking her head slowly. Freya shover her chin back up and glared at her. "Stop being pitiful," she snapped. "It's nauseating. We have the wives of the pigs to have those looks for us." Freya sneered at the brunette Gryffindor being trapped against the wall by her grinning boyfriend who giving Narcissa a concerned look. "They are not above us and they have no place to pity us and don't you dare give them an excuse to!"
Narcissa scowled in the direction of the Gryffindor and went back to walking confidently next to Freya. "I'm not being pitiful. Your negativity is exhausting."
"And your optimism is exhausting. Oh, don't look at him," Freya said, rolling her eyes at Narcissa's gaze towards Aldrich Greengrass.
Narcissa gave her a look and waved her hand dismissively. "I'm not interested in him. I have hardly ever approached his parents. He just seems interesting, what people say about him. He seems intelligent."
"Men are cruel. Period. Intelligent cruel men are far more dangerous and harder to control than stupid cruel men. What people say about him seem to be true and you don't want to piss someone off who can mess up your storybook fantasy you have cooked up in your head. Focus on your pretty boy and touch up on your glamour charms for when you pour his tea wrong and settle for that. It's best to swim in familiar waters. Besides, my brother seems to like Greengrass, which means it's best to stay away from him," Freya told her smoothly before she caught up with Joseph Nott who held the classroom door for her as Narcissa continued to watch Aldrich curiously.
Draco found himself back looking at his mother in present time, her face angry. "Come now, mother. We were just getting to the good part where you were going to try to get in Greengrass's bed," he told her, smirking.
Narcissa puffed up angrily as shook her head. "Don't you dare show me such disrespect! I am your mother. I gave you life you spoiled, rotten man," she cried angrily, shoving him out of her space.
Draco ignored her dramatics and sat back, thinking of the memory and Freya's words to his mother.
"Perhaps they will have empathy for us, but only to turn around and do the same to their own wives."
Draco had always felt sadness for his mother and how she had suffered, but it was incredibly difficult to see her in her youth attempting to be positive about what awaited her. A cold, empty life.
"I advise you wipe that look of hope off of your face. There is nothing men are attracted to beating the life out of more than hope."
Draco shuddered, closing his eyes and his mother quieted, resting a hand on his arm in concern. The same concern she had always had for him and his father no matter what they had done, no matter what his father had done to her or no matter what failures of Draco's caused her to suffer herself.
Unconditional love.
