Nightmares
The sweetness of reunion is the joy of heaven - Richard Paul Evans
Rossi let himself into Pip's apartment, stilling when he didn't immediately hear signs of life. He had gone through the entire day was waiting for the bubble burst, for the dream to end. Waiting to wake up to the knowledge that she really was dead and not coming back.
He'd only slept an hour before waking, using Pip's shower and rummaging a set of work appropriate-clothes together from the selection he still kept at her apartment. He had left Pip asleep on the sofa, going to the office early with the intention of telling Hotch that he was going to actually try and use some of his annual leave.
Instead of Hotch, the first person he'd bumped into had been Phillips. Loitering in the lobby as if he'd been expecting him, Phillips accosted Rossi with a fistful of paperwork that needed his attention. Where Pip had been happy to barge into anyone's office at any time for any reason, Phillips preferred to lurk in ambush and catch people as they arrived. Which meant Rossi trusted him when he said Hotch wasn't in yet. Diverted from the matter at hand, Rossi let himself be shepherded to his office to deal with the latest instalment of the never-ending bureaucratic bullshit that required his input.
Almost two hours later, Rossi finally managed to sneak out of his office and make his way next door.
"You weren't supposed to be here early," said Hotch crossly, glancing up briefly from the file he was working on as Rossi tapped lightly on his doorframe. "You're working too much, Dave. I told everyone that half nine was fine, but I could already hear you rustling about like a gerbil in there when I got here at eight." Hotch gestured vaguely behind him, then looked back up, a frown crossing his face.
The second look Rossi got was longer, something Hotch had seen but not understood in the first glance needing further examination. He knew he looked worn out, mainly because he was. Pip's shower was good, but not a cure-all panacea and before that, he'd been up late chasing oblivion at the bottom of a bottle. An hour's sleep after the characteristically chaotic arrival of Pip back in his life wasn't going to shift the dark smudges under his eyes.
Still, Hotch's evaluation made him feel like he was being dissected. Rossi knew his friend was worried about his short temper of late, about him drinking too much, not sleeping enough. Working too hard to distract himself. He'd been walking around for nearly three months feeling like a collection of broken pieces held together by an all-too-fragile layer of skin, and some of that had to have shown. With Pip's return, all that would ease.
"And yet, here you are too," Rossi countered with a reassuring smile. "Do as I say, not as I do, hmm?" He took a leisurely seat in the chair across Hotch's desk and tried not to overanalyse Hotch's continued scrutiny.
"That's the bonus of being Unit Chief," replied Hotch eventually. "Sure you don't want the job?" he asked with a cautious teasing tone.
"I'm pretty sure there'd be lots of people dead against the idea, me being the first in line," said Rossi with a smile. "Sounds like too much hard work."
There was some relief in the smile he got in return, mixed with good-natured if somewhat mocking agreement. They both knew how much he loved the paperwork. Rossi felt the guilt wind its way around him. It had been too long since Hotch had aimed one of those smiles in his direction, too wary of his response. Last time he'd tried to joke about with him, Rossi had snarled back so harshly that Hotch hadn't tried since. The relief on his friend's face was enough to convince Rossi that asking for time off was the best thing he could do, not just for Pip. He needed some time too. Time to get his head together, to sort himself out.
"Actually," added Rossi, "I came in to ask if I can take at least the next couple of weeks off."
Hotch put down his pen and stared. "All in one go? You're actually planning to stay out of here for more than a few days? Should I just cancel everyone else's down time now, or do I wait for you to find the dead body first?"
"No need to be insulting," muttered Rossi. "It's not like I deliberately set out to sabotage my AL."
"With your record, I have to wonder," retorted Hotch with an easy smile. "What's your tally? Five bodies, an abduction, a girl you'd spoken to the night before who was murdered, and a serial killer who inexplicably turned up in your hotel room to confess. That's apart from The Butcher, that one's on me."
"You forgot the carjacking I was a witness to," Rossi added smugly. It was so long since he and Hotch had bantered like this, mostly because he'd been miserable about Pip. He wasn't ready to stop just yet. "I had to go to court for that and everything."
Hotch laughed outright. "Yes, your court appearance ruined another attempt at time off didn't it? At least if I remember rightly, and I think we both know I do."
Rossi huffed good-naturedly and folded his arms in mock irritation. "And one of those bodies only landed on my car, it wasn't actually anything to do with me, other than the insurance claim."
Hotch grinned. "My mistake. If I asked you for the Atlanta PD report on that particular death, you wouldn't have any idea where the nearest copy of the file is, would you?"
Rossi grinned back. "What?" he asked, spreading his hands. "It was interesting! I can't help it, I'm nosey."
Hotch chuckled. "True."
"Hey!" cried Rossi. "You're not supposed to agree quite so quickly."
Hotch smirked. "I'll remember that for next time," he commented drily. "Take all the time you need, Dave," he added seriously, confirmation that he had been more worried than he'd let on.
Rossi nodded. "I'm ok, Hotch," he reassured him. "I just need a break from seeing your face across a dead body every day, know what I mean?"
Hotch chuckled again and flapped his hand in Rossi's direction. "Likewise. Go. Go on, before I change my mind," he said with a smile. "Enjoy yourself. Just take a look at the two files I just asked Phillips to leave on your desk before you disappear and forget you work here."
The two files that had materialised on his desk in the short time he'd been with Hotch spawned work needed on three more, which in turn generated a considerable stack of forms to complete under Phillips' heavy supervision. His mailbox filled up over the course of several hours, so of course he had to spend time clearing down his emails as well.
It was late afternoon by the time he could escape. Rossi's final act before closing the door on his office was to throw Pip's pills into the trash bin beside his desk.
A tiny woman stopped the elevator one floor down and joined Rossi for the rest of the journey to the parking lot. She was both older and shorter than him, by some considerable margin. With her spectacles on a chain around her neck and huge purse, she looked every inch the sweet little old lady she appeared to be. However, she exuded such a potent aura of supreme power and authority that Rossi found himself practically bowing her out of the elevator car when the doors opened to the garage.
"Thank you, Agent Rossi," she said as they parted. "Nice to see you. You've lost some weight recently I believe."
Rossi stopped in his tracks. He had. Mostly through stress, although realistically that meant grief; and a bad habit of crashing into bed without eating when he was tired. Which lately, had been all the time. But there was no way this stranger could have known any of that.
"I'm sorry, have we met before?" he asked warily. He was usually good with faces, if not always names, and her face wasn't familiar.
The woman shook her head. "No," she replied slowly. "I would remember if we had."
"So how do you know that I've lost weight?"
She smiled at him, the wrinkles just adding to the sense of mischievousness in her reply. "I know more about you than just that, Dave. A lot more."
"You know, it's funny, not many people call me that, and they nearly all work here or are close friends. Yet I have no idea who you are," said Rossi tersely, getting frustrated.
"That is the way it should be, and will remain," she said enigmatically, and turned to leave.
"Now wait just a minute…" started Rossi angrily, just as his cell phone rang. He glanced at it and rejected the call when he didn't recognise the number. If it was important, they'd call back.
When he looked up, the woman had gone.
Rossi had made his way back to Pip via a stop at his mansion to see his housekeeper and increasingly elderly dog. But her home appeared empty and Rossi became suddenly convinced that it was going to be the moment he realised he'd actually gone completely round the twist. Finally lost it, and had started seeing things. That there was nobody in her apartment because he'd dreamed or imagined the entire experience.
He'd dreamed of Pip coming home before; not as frequently as he used to, admittedly, but the events of that day were different. A waking dream, some kind of psychotic episode, complete with disappearing old ladies. That really should have given him a clue it wasn't real, shouldn't it? People didn't just vanish into thin air; he'd worked enough abduction cases to know that for sure.
"You going to stand in the way all day?" asked Pip from behind him. Rossi turned in the doorway, incredibly relieved to see her slowly climbing up the stairs. Rossi clutched at the doorframe as subtly as he was able for reassurance. He wasn't going barmy; she really was home.
"Because if you are, I may just collapse on you," continued Pip as she trudged up the last few steps. "I've not had enough sleep to deal with the suits and now that I've had to, I'm exhausted."
Rossi led the way in, closing the door behind them. "Suits?" he asked as Pip landed tiredly on the sofa. Rossi followed more slowly and sat a respectable distance away. The voice and body might be the same, but the woman sat on the couch with him wasn't his Pip, it was Officer Harker. She still had her armour on and he felt like he was walking on eggshells.
"The bureaucrats. Someone tipped them off that I was back and I got the call." Pip threw him a rueful smile and rolled her eyes. "I thought I'd been so sneaky." She shook her head. "I went to call in my biggest debt owing and found her already on my doorstep, barely an hour after you left this morning. She knows everyone in the business, runs a domestic undercover ops outfit and it turns out we have mutual connections in the Middle East as well as DC."
For some reason, the tiny woman he'd met in the elevator earlier came to Rossi's mind.
Pip huffed and folded her arms. "The couple in Turkey were two of hers. A scruffy-haired blonde and a brunette with an odd birthmark in her eye. Either they really are a couple, or I'm losing my touch, because they seemed really genuine with each other."
She sighed gustily before continuing. "And now, I owe her. Big time. Again." She frowned, as if that were a recurring problem. "Her debt to me was paid when she got me out of Turkey. She flew to Washington in the middle of the night to save my neck and get me my job back. Said the least they could do was put my life back together after ripping it apart, considering the information I brought home with me. She fought my corner, and won. I've even got the option of a field posting after proving I've taught myself to shoot left-handed without killing someone other than the person I'm aiming at."
"Strauss agreed to all this?" Rossi didn't really like the sound of all that. It was starting to sound as if she didn't want to change things from the way they were. That she was sticking to the decision she'd made the night she left. There was no way he was about to let that happen.
Pip snorted. "No, this comes down from much, much higher. Put it this way, that little old lady has single-handedly given me back my life and she used one of the minor favours she has in with the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs to do it. Everyone below him will simply have to do as they're told, Strauss included. Not only do I have an FBI career to go back to, something I never dared hope for; she's had my termination order, the one that hangs over the head of every disavowed CIA Officer out there, lifted. I literally owe her my life, and that's a debt she'll collect one day."
"So…we'll be colleagues again." Rossi could help feeling a bit disappointed that she'd made such a decision without him, despite the good news about voiding the contract on Pip's life; something he hadn't even considered. However, their positions in the Bureau had always been a major sticking point for her, one way or another. The need for secrecy, to have an excuse for spending time together even when they'd just be close friends, had got in the way more than once.
Regardless of what happened work-wise, Rossi had more pressing concerns. Pip's brisk calmness was what bothered him the most. He sank back on the sofa, much as his heart had sunk through his shoes. He knew exactly what he was going to have to do, and he wasn't looking forward to it.
"I've got a few weeks leave to let the battle marks fade and then I'm back running AST," replied Pip. "I don't want the field assignment, but it's good to know I have the option of a weapon that doesn't involve hand-to-hand combat. I've had enough of that recently."
So not only would she be back in the Bureau, she'd be back in the BAU. Just as close, and apparently, just as far away as ever before. It was devastating. For a microscopic fraction of a second, Rossi wished she hadn't come back.
"You don't have to sound quite so pleased," said Pip sarcastically when he didn't respond. "I thought you'd be happy things were going back to the way there were. Or were you hoping they'd replace me?"
"You could never be replaced," growled Rossi in frustration, steeling himself. "Never." Not in the BAU and not in his heart, either.
"Then what?"
"You broke my fucking heart and now you're back and acting like everything's normal! Nothing about this is normal!" he cried. Rossi couldn't bear to be seated any longer and took to his feet to start pacing the room.
"What am I supposed to do? To think?" he asked harshly. "Christ, Pip, I thought you were dead. How am I supposed to feel about all this? About us? Is there even an "us"? Was there ever going to be? You're acting like nothing happened the night you left, like that conversation didn't...where the fuck do I stand?"
Pip surged to her feet and strode towards him. "I don't know!" she cried angrily, waving her arms to emphasise her point. "I didn't plan it! Any of it! I never wanted…it wasn't meant to happen!"
There were tears in her eyes, but if they were tears of rage or some other emotion, Rossi couldn't tell. That in itself told him how far he had yet to go – he'd always been a good meteorologist of Pip's hurricane-like temperament and at the moment, he still didn't have a clue.
"Which bit?" he spat, digging deeper. "All of it? Your trip abroad, or just the bit about you and I?"
Pip caught her breath in a sob. "I..."
"Because it feels like you've chosen one, and it wasn't me," continued Rossi inexorably. "Three months ago, JJ told me you were dead. Dead. Did you ever stop to consider what that might do to me? Ever think that maybe, just maybe, I deserved to know you weren't lying dead in a fucking ditch somewhere being eaten by animals or something?"
"Please, I just…" She turned away as the tears started to fall unchecked. "If this is it, then just go. I understand. I'll find something outside the Bureau, you won't hear from me again. Keep thinking I'm dead, and one day soon, it'll be true." She muttered something else that wasn't meant for his ears, but Rossi caught it anyway. "I'll make sure of it."
Melodrama aside, that she'd welcome a bullet much as he'd done only the previous day gave him hope. She didn't want to go, didn't want to leave him behind. He still had a chance of getting through. Pip started for the bedroom door, but Rossi grabbed her before she'd gone more than two paces and pinned her against his body.
"Oh no you don't," he growled in her ear, "you don't get to avoid me that easily. I want some straight answers for once."
Pip squirmed in his grasp like a thrashing python. "I don't want to hurt you," she hissed. "Let me go!"
"Never," said Rossi shortly. Now that she was back and wanted to stay, he had no intention of ever letting her go.
Pip grabbed two furious fistfuls of his shirt and dropped, pushing off with her feet as she did so. Even though he'd been anticipating it, and had even braced himself against it, the sheer speed of the throw left Rossi flat on his back in her living room for the second time in less than twenty-four hours. Pip futilely wiped her tear-streaked face as she straddled his stomach. Rossi just lay there gasping for breath, winded by his landing.
"I'm sorry," she said hoarsely, although it wasn't immediately clear for what she was apologising. Pip rolled gracefully to her feet and held out her hand to help him up.
"You've changed," Rossi commented as he warily took the offered hand. "Violence to apology used to take you a lot longer."
"A year is a long time, and a lot's happened to me since I left," she said blandly as she pulled him to his feet, more easily than he'd anticipated. Physically, at least, she was stronger than when she'd left. "I just want to forget it all. Forget what I did. Forget all the people…all the people I killed," she whispered. "But I can't. At the time, it was necessary, but now I just feel like a…a monster. Like the next UnSub for the BAU to chase down and dispose of."
Pip sighed, a sad despondent sound that tore the wounds in Rossi's heart open anew. She held him at arm's length when he tried to close the distance between them, pushing him away.
"You're better off without me, Dave. Maybe it would have been better if I hadn't come back." Pip touched the new mark on her arm. "Maybe things would be simpler if this had killed me instead. But I'm here, and I understand if knowing what I've done is too heavy to bear." The tears started to fall again. "It might be for me," she choked out.
Rossi pulled her against him once more, Pip not resisting this time. "I was angry Pip, but it's because I love you and this year has been hell on me too. I'm not going anywhere. In fact," he added softly, "I plan on being by your side until the end of time."
"How can you say that?" she said. "I can't let you get…it's too much…"
"If you can't carry it alone, then I'll carry you instead," he murmured to her hair. "Regardless of what does or doesn't happen between us, I'm your friend and always will be. I'll help you heal. Every step, together. If you'll let me."
Finally, Pip nodded against him and her arms made their way around his waist. Rossi rested his chin on top of her head and they stood in her living room, holding each other as dust motes danced in the evening sunlight around them. Finally, it felt like she was back. He'd pushed her, and hard. It had been worse than prying through her belongings, worse than knowing she'd been forced to relapse into drug use. But it had paid off, chipping away with the only weapons at his disposal: his words and his heart. He'd finally broken through the stony mask to reveal the real Pip underneath, tender and hurting. Having done that, the hard work could really begin.
"Is that wise?" asked Rossi, as Pip sat down in her usual corner of the sofa with the whisky after loading a favourite DVD into the player. It was early evening, dinner had been an impromptu pizza, eaten so recently the delivery box was still warm. They'd both caught another couple of hours sleep in front of the tv, and woken up hungry. Pip had swapped her smart clothes for a pair of scruffy jogging bottoms and a t-shirt in a determined effort to slob about, and Rossi had conceded that it was appropriate to unbutton his cuffs and the top few buttons of his shirt to add to the mood of relaxation and ease. Still, he didn't think alcohol was good idea if she was heading towards an opiate crash.
"Probably not, but I know what you're about to do." Pip was back to prickly after being quiet and a bit withdrawn after he'd pried open her defences earlier.
"No, you don't." Rossi reached over and plucked the bottle from her hand. "You're not the only one who's changed in the year you've been away. I'm not going to interrogate you, or make you relive it. I'm not going to mention the other thing either. I've grown a patient streak, would you believe." The bottle got stowed safely down his side of the sofa.
"Patience? You?" scoffed Pip, the familiar teasing glint in her eye making a welcome appearance. It had been a long time since Rossi had seen it, and was glad for its return. "I find that hard to believe," she added.
"It's true." Rossi smiled. "I waited for you," he said warmly. "For far longer than just the year you were away. After that, anything else is easy. I'll wait for you to talk, on either subject," he added significantly, "until you want to, or I have to, like earlier."
Pip flushed a little. "That's probably the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me."
"It's about time then."
Reassured, Pip leaned up against him and started the film, happy to just enjoy his company like they used to.
