Hermione bounded up the steps of the Ministry of Magic, cackling like a sexual predator about to close in on her victims. She raped the weigher of the wands, the scales for weighing the wands, and then, for good, measure, the wands themsleves.

Being well familiarized with the Ministry due to past excursions (cough rapes cough), she quickly navigated towards the Muggle division of the building, raping the elevator boy along the way. Although that may have just been in her imagination…

She really did rape the goldfish, who six months later spawned the first human-fish cross, a magnificent species with huge sexual appetites.

Within a few moments she was outside of Arthur Weasley's office. She threw herself through the door only after discovering that it was quite difficult to sexually assault a doorknob.

Inside, she met a rather nightmarish scene of Arthur and Molly Weasley involved in a mass orgy with various photographs of Sirius Black. The room was a deafening avalanche of shrieks, groans, moans, yells, cries, shouts, grunts, sobs, bellows, calls, hollers, howls, squeals, wails, whoops, and squawks.

"OH MY GAWD!!" vociferated Hermione. "This is…is…FANTASTIC!!"

"Hermione! Honey!...honey-face…sweet-cake…chocolate bunions…" panted Mrs. Weasley

"Er...yes...no...maybe?"

"Come join us!" Mr Weasley exclaimed excitedly, bouncing up and down on a trampoline he kept in the corner. "We could use another body...Ginny went to the washroom and we've been a little lacking in warm, nubile bodies..."

Hermione screamed and ran out. Even for her immensely perverted mind, that was too much. She passed Ginny and Fred, naked and holding hands, somewhere on the stairway, and burst into tears. They attempted to rape her, but she skillfully eluded them.

About two point five inches (6.36 centimeters, or 2 500 000.000 000 001 microinches) from the Minsitry of Magic, Hermione began to calm down. By the time she was 2.59 inches (6.578 6 centimeters, or 2 590 000 microinches) from the Ministry, she regretted her decsion and almost turned around to rejoin the creepy Weasley...ah, reunion. However, she did have her pride (in fact, she had none; it's just a figure of speech) so she instead dashed across the street towards Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, she got runover by a trollet, a tricycle, and a turbine airplane before she reached her destination, and was instead scraped up from the road by Grawp's toy spatula and taken to St. Mungo's.

As everybody there thought that she was ugly, she ended up sharing her bed with a possum (kingdom: aimalia; phylum: chordata; class: mammalia; infraclass: marsupial; order: diprotodontia; suborder: phalangeriformes), who took advantage of her unconsciousness by violating her several times.

Fortunately for Miss Granger, there are several spells for reversing the effects of being run over by trolleys and turbine planes. Unfortunately for Miss Granger, there are no spells for reversing the effects of being run over by a tricycle, so she had to lie still for two and a half hours while her wounds healed, during which time her and the possum were very busy.

By the time she was released from St. Mungo's, Hermione was in love with all marsupials, so she caught a plane to Australia...