A/N: English is not my first language so I apologise in advance for all my mistakes. Also I dont own Originals.

When he thinks back on his childhood

most memories revolve around his siblings, not that he does this very often. Some memories important like the day his twin was killed and others not so much. Little Bjorn following his older brothers around and wishing to be just like them when he was older. His sweet sister holding him at night when he was scared of the dark. Always inevitably remembering their childhood together, having that innocence to look back on. Certainly none of them were innocent now. One would think the memories would be faded by now but they actually seem more vivid. Sometimes this feels like a curse but other times he finds himself thinking its a blessing. Having that vivid proof that they were once innocecent, good and kind human beings. A thousand years worth of curses and blessings indeed.

Time is a funny thing. A thousand years can seem like so long ago but at the same time feel like it has gone by in the blink of an eye. He has learned so much and also very little in a thousand years. He has done some great things but also some very terrible things. One of times hardest lesson to accept has been that with all the good comes the bad. Like ying and yang, give or take, push or pull you cant have one without the other. For every positive reaction there is a negative one. Pretty simple really, but most people seem to forget this.

Living for a thousand years has made this clear to him. So he has started to find comfort in this fact. No matter how much bad there is in the world, there will also be the same amount of good in the world. For every person that feels cursed there is one that feels blessed, he hopes. No matter how much death he brings to the world there will always be more life brought into it as well. He has to find comfort in this if he wants to stay sane with so much time afforded to him. And make no mistake he has wrought alot of death and discord in his thousand years alive. So much so that in his darkest hours, darkest thoughts, he always doubts that there can be enough good in the world to cancel out his bad. That's another one of times curses, having so much of it means there is alot of thoughts to be had. Alot of bad to be done but on the flip side there is also alot of time to make up for all his bad. Alot of his bad comes from having to depend on blood to survive. Not all but enough.

'Drinking blood to survive does not mean killing. You can feed without killing!'

That's the one memory of his mother that often comes to taunt and haunt his mind. How easy that sentiment seems that it can only be uttered by someone not afflicted by the curse of a vampire. He does not need a thousand years to know that its easier said than done. That when you start to feed you have to force yourself to stop. Its not a thirst so easily quenced. And when it feels so good why would you want to stop? When she said the words, more like a desperate plea, they didn't mean much to a newly made vampire. All you know when you turn is the burn of the thirst. That neverending burn that you have to learn to live with one way or another. It makes you forget the human life from which you quell your thirst. Their life nothing compared to yours and they simply become food. The next thing you know you have a thousand years worth of dead bodies, that could fill a few cities, on your conscience. It took him a few decades to really get control of his thirst. Every few centuries he still goes on a bender. So its only in these moments of deep reflection that he can really appreciate his mothers words. He made peace along time ago with the fact that his survival depends on blood. He has also tried not to kill just to survive, knowing it is possible to feed without taking human life.

He likes to think he made peace with alot of things. Like the fact that his siblings were lost to him. That they couldnt co-exist in the same space for long. That no matter how much he loved them they were monsters. That being with them reminded him what a monster he really was. He knew they all secretly thought that they knew why he left them. Why he stays away and only seeks them out every few century. Flinn thought it was because Bjorn was smart. Elijah thinks Bjorn thought himself better than them. Nick thinks he stayed away because he blamed and hated him for his twin brothers death. Rebekah thinks its because of the freedom it allowed him. Everytime he joined them for a few years Kol was of the mind that it allowed him to remove the stick lodged up his arse. Funny that Kol would be the one closest to the truth.

When he was away from them it was easier to think he could make up for all the bad that he has done. All the innocent and not so innocent lives that he has taken. All the blood he has spilled in the name of good and bad. When he is from his family he feels at peace with who he has become and who he strives to be. He deludes himself into thinking that he can change for the better. At the same time he also misses them and how close they were as children. So he inevitably gives up and seeks them out. Their reunions usually start out with joy and ends in one or all of them trying to kill each other. The more time he spents with them, the easier it is to slip into bad habits. The easier it is to give into the bloodlust. He can admit to himself that towards the end of their time together he feels glad to part ways with them. Always with the reminder of what a monster he has become. What a monster time has made of him.

He has had a thousand years to become one. Someone who disregard human life, who takes it without a second thought.

Who rarely feels remorse for ending life.

So in the end he stays away choosing to live in ignorance for decades before beginning a vicious cycle that never changes. In one of their fights Flinn once said that a thousand years isn't enough to change. That they are forever cursed to bring death and misery to the world. It was their nature and no amount of trying will change it. Sometimes I find myself agreeing with him but then this other part, the humanity left in me no doubt, feels that we have to atleast try. Try to change, try to better do better. It's this small part of me that I try to nurture in my time away from my siblings.