000
Chapter 2
"I am so thrilled to meet her. I absolutely love kids, have I told you that?" Dan said excitedly as he walked besides her, complete with exhuberant hand gestures and an unnecessarily wide smile on his face.
Tsunade wasn't sure if her boyfriend's attitude made her want to scowl ferociously at him or smile, so instead she settled for sending him a glare that would have sent most Chunnin running for cover. True to form, however, Dan just chuckled sheepishly a bit before turning his enthusiasm down a notch. But just a notch. In the four months she had been dating him she'd learned that Dan was categorically incapable of fully containing his enthusiasm about things he was passionate about. Apparently "kids" could now be added to the list of things that could make Dan act like a little kid hopped up on caffeine.
She still couldn't quite decide if it was an endearing quality or not. Or so she kept telling herself anyway.
"I have no earthly idea why you'd be thrilled to meet Orochimaru's kid. You hardly know him and he's never exactly gone out of his way to be friendly to you."
"She's your goddaughter," Dan pointed out while giving her a wide, honest smile. "And she's important to you. I want to know you as well as I can, so that means I want to meet and get along with everyone that you care about."
Damn it. This was why she both liked and hated Dan. Sometimes he'd just say and do things that would make her feel all warm inside and send her heart aflutter. It put her off balance. It wasn't something she was used to, the lack of control. She had no desire to become one of those idiotic love struck women who seemed to lose all reason and basic fucking sense.
Clearing her throat Tsunade did her best to appear unaffected and unconcerned. Her tone turned teasing as she glanced at her boyfriend. "If that's the case then you'll have to win over Jiraiya and Orochimaru too. Good luck with that, since one of them hates your guts and the other would be far more interested in vivisecting you than making friends."
"I'm not worried," said Dan with casual confidence. "I'll win them over eventually. You're worth it."
Damn it, Dan.
"Why the sudden rush anyway?" Asked Dan suddenly, his tone curious. "It's not like you to simply leave the hospital in the middle of the day... even if things are more quiet right now because of the lull in the war. Did something happen?"
At Dan's question her conflicted feelings gave way to something far more familiar: irritation, both in general and at two of the men in her former Genin cell in particular.
"Sensei sent me a message. He went to visit Orochimaru and was 'concerned' about some of the things he saw Kiyo-chan doing. Apparently Sensei thought that maybe there was something wrong with Orochimaru having Kiyo-chan helping him to dissect a cadaver, but since he wasn't a 'child development expert'," she said with air quotes and a mocking tone. "He wanted to get my professional opinion on the matter before saying anything."
Silence.
"The best part? Was he worried about any long term damage to the psyche of a child forced to deal with cadavers and the realities of death at a far too tender an age? No, of course not. How silly would that be?" Tsunade said, her tone dripping sarcasm. "Instead since he knows that young children have weaker immune systems he was worried that she might, and I quote, 'catch some disease from playing with corpses.'"
Dan's face contorted into a pained expression of intense thinking, obviously trying to figure out how to communicate his thoughts on the subject without sounding like he was criticizing the Honorable Third. "The Hokage... he in an unparalleled warrior concerned with leading ninja in a time of war. Perhaps some of the... nuances of child rearing are not something he has the time for necessarily."
Tsunade made a derisive sound at that. "You do realize he's got two grown boys don't you?"
"Yes... but still..." said Dan, looking visibly pained at the - admittedly mild in the grand scheme of things - critique he was hearing of the leader of their village.
"But nothing. He's an idiot with children and let his wife raise both his own because he couldn't find the time, fine..."
Dan visibly winced at that and almost on reflex looked around to make sure they weren't being overheard. Tsunade for her part just kept going as if it weren't unusual to badmouth the Hokage out on the street where anyone could hear.
"... but Orochimaru doesn't have that kind excuse. He knows better than to let a kid Kiyo-chan's age into that kind of stuff. I know he does, because I made him read every credible book on child rearing and development I could get my hands on after she was born."
The more she talked about it, the more upset Tsunade was getting. Orochimaru's expediency could get in the way of his common sense sometimes. Sometimes Tsunade thought that the fact she had started taking the time to check in on them regularly was the only reason Kiyo-chan was still alive, even if various hired help did the actual caring for her godchild 90% of the time. Tsunade had come to firmly believe that Orochimaru should not be left unsupervised around children. Any children. The less said about the "using bad tempered venomous snake summons to change a crying baby's diaper" incident, the better.
"I'm sure he had a good reason for what he did," said Dan, for some inexplicable reason coming to Orochimaru's defense, though in truth the blue haired man didn't sound entirely convinced. "I mean how old is Kiyo-chan? Six? Seven?"
"Three," answered Tsunade flatly, glancing to the side so she could see her boyfriend's reaction. He did not disappoint. Dan went wide eyes, his mouth dropping open in horror at the thought of a literal toddler being recruited to work with dead bodies. Tsunade couldn't help but crack a small smile at the hilarious face he was making. For some reason, however, she didn't want him thinking 100% poorly of her teammate, even if Orochimaru probably couldn't be trusted to raise even a pet rock by himself without traumatizing it for life.
"Kiyo-chan is extremely intelligent and mature for her age," Tsunade said with a hint of defensiveness. Dan just turned to her and gave her an utterly disbelieving look. Tsunade looked away and shrugged, feeling a bit sheepish. Okay, so that defense had sounded a lot better in her head.
Orochimaru's current residence was about a ten minute walk from the hospital, situated in an older commercial area that saw relatively little traffic from either ninja or civilians. It was a two story grey cinder block building that looked somewhat shabby and run down from the outside. If anything it looked more like an abandoned office building than a place where anyone lived.
"This is it?" asked Dan, a little bit bewildered that a ninja as strong and famous as Orochimaru would live in such a...drab place. And with his three year old daughter no less.
Tsunade didn't even look at the front door of the building, immediately stepping around and heading towards the back. "This building was once an ANBU facility before they got upgraded and moved to a new headquarters. The building you see on the surface is camouflage for the most part. There is a fairly extensive underground complex where they actually live."
By the look on Dan's face, Tsunade knew that he didn't think that made it in any way better.
They were soon in the back of the building which was situated in such a way that it was out of view of any casual observers. Moving like she owned the place Tsunade opened a heavy metal storm cellar door affixed to the floor and walked down a narrow set of stairs. Feeling just a hint of trepidation Dan followed after her and closed the heavy metal door behind them.
The complex underneath the office building was fairly large, and Tsunade led him past at least a dozen doors and through a half dozen intersections of drab, cinder block hallway that was only occasionally lit by an anemic light bulb on the ceiling. To Dan the narrow underground passages felt claustrophobic and the air smelled heavily of the same chemical they used to clean and sterilize the hospital. A few times he even spotted what looked like signs of old fight and battles scarring the walls, old blade marks and what looked like jutsu damage that was never fully repaired. Former ANBU facility indeed.
At last they came to a metal door that didn't look any different from all the others that they had already passed. Tsunade pounded on the thick, heavy door three times, hard enough that the echoing sound reverberated ominously all around them. Then without a word she reached down and threw the door open before stepping right in.
"Momma!"
The childish cry of excitement and exuberance was almost shocking to Dan who had been half expecting someone in ANBU uniform to be sneaking up behind him. He watched, half bewildered, as a tiny, pale missile ran through the room and literally threw herself at Tsunade's waist with surprising strength. Tsunade seemed to expect something similar however as she bent down smoothly just in time to scoop the little projectile up, hoisting her up into her arms and holding her at her hip.
Tsunade frowned and glared at the little girl she was now holding. "Brat, how many times have I told you? Call me aunt if you have to. I am notyour mother."
The toddler in her arms, apparently not at all intimidated or deterred by Tsunade's reprimand, simply giggled as she smiled broadly up at the tall blonde. "But you're not my aunt, you're my Godmother. Godmother. That makes you my mother, mommy."
Tsunade sighed, and it was the sigh of someone who'd had this argument many times before and didn't really expect to win. "You're a little terror, you know that? You should listen to your aunt Tsunade."
The girl blinked in confusion, her blue eyes almost ethereal in their paleness. "But I do listen to you, mommy."
Even though she was only three years old... yeah, Dan didn't buy the little girl's innocent act for a second. Neither did Tsunade if her reproachful look was anything to go by. However the small smile that kept threatening to form at the corner of her lips told Dan that maybe his girlfriend didn't mind as much as she pretended.
Oh, this was going to be such good teasing material.
That was when the girl finally noticed him, turning her head in his direction. Her eyes were big, wide and curious, the unusual color of her eyes somehow highlighted even more by her pale skin and her chin length black hair. She looked at him in surprise him for a few moments before blinking and turning back to her... aunt? Godmother? Surrogate mother?
"Momma, who is he?"
Tsunade for her part, who seemed to have virtually forgotten Dan in the commotion, turned to look at him with an 'oh shit' look on her face and blushed. Dan couldn't help but grin at the sight. It wasn't something that he had ever seen before. How could he have? Who could have ever expected to see the famous and infamously tough Senju Tsunade to ever blush from embarrassment like a... like a school girl or something?
If he'd still had any doubts that he'd been falling for her before, well, that heartwarming sight would have settled any and all arguments in his mind.
Tsunade for her part shot him a glare that promised very real, very extreme consequences if he dared to comment on the weakness she's just shown. When she was mostly convinced that he would behave himself she cleared her throat and turned back to the little girl in her arms. "Kiyo-chan, this is Kato Dan. He's a co-worker of mine."
Dan winced a little at being introduced like that. Yeah, she's not very happy with me right now. Putting that aside, he smiled brightly at the little girl in Tsunade's arms. "Hiya, Kiyo-chan! I'm very excited to meet you, I've heard a lot about you. If it's okay with you you can just call me Dan."
Her brow furrowed as she peered at him, examining him with an intensity that he wasn't used to from a three year old. After a few moments she bit her lip and motioned for him to come closer. Amused, Dan did as he was asked. Quite unexpectedly she reached out with one of her chubby little hands, grabbed a handful of his long hair and brought it close to her face, scrunching her eyes and examining his hair with intense concentration. It was all Dan could do not to laugh at the adorable expression she was making.
"Kiyo-chan," Tsunade said, chiding her lightly... but not really meaning it, as she seemed to be enjoying Dan's awkward predicament. Not that he particularly minded mind you.
After a few moments of looking at his hair and rubbing it in between her fingers her eyes widened, and she turned to look at him with something akin to shock on her face. "You don't dye it! Shinobi-san, you have really really funny colored hair."
Her sudden declaration caused Tsunade to give out a surprised bark of laughter, and you know what? Dan couldn't help but start laughing himself. He wasn't the least bit offended. After all he knew what kids were like because he had... had had... a little sister, after all.
"I'll admit it is a little bit unusual," Dan conceded with a small smile. "Blue hair runs in my family and my particular shade of blue is the lightest anyone in my family has ever seen."
"Can I take samples of it?" Kiyohime asked, bringing his hair up to her face again and looking at it like it might hold the secrets of the universe.
Dan was about to play along with her when a drawling, somewhat annoyed male voice interrupted them.
"Unless you have some sort of business here Tsunade, put her down and get out. If you just want to see her you can come back later. Kiyohime is supposed to be watching some samples for me."
At Orochimaru's words Kiyohime's eyes went wide with alarm. "Gah, that's right! I'm supposed to be watching the bunsen burners!"
The girl let go of his hair and instantly started squirming and struggling violently until Tsunade was forced to let her go. As soon as she landed on the ground Kiyohime took off at a run until she got to a lab table with five different burners heating glassware of various sizes and shapes, all filled with different liquids. The girl climbed onto a stool far too big for her, arranged herself in the full lotus position and began to watch the burners with an intensity that was frankly somewhat unsettling in a girl so young.
Dan took a moment to take a good look at the room they were currently in. It looked like a standard laboratory, with long worktables, good lighting and a lot of equipment that Dan only had a vague idea of what it was supposed to be for. There were a few oddities though, such as a stuffed penguin on the floor, a coloring book and some crayons on the far table, and what looked like the door to a large freezer in the back.
Or, considering what this place used to be, it was probably the door to a morgue. Dan hadn't forgotten why they were here and looking at that door just brought it to the forefront again. Looking at Kiyohime and having met her it was now more than a little unsettling to think about.
As for Orochimaru himself, the man was bent over a worktable looking into a microscope. He had not looked up even once since they had barged into his laboratory. Dan tried his best to always be patient and understanding, but even for him that level of rudeness was more than just a bit irritating.
Tsunade, as he had to come to expect from her, went with the direct route and got straight to the point of her visit. "What's this I've been hearing about you having Kiyo-chan help you with autopsies?"
"Now how would-... ah. Sensei told you no doubt," Orochimaru said dismissively.
"She's three years old Orochimaru!" Tsuande snapped. "Tell me, what the hell are you thinking?"
The man in question gave a small sigh before finnally looking up from his microscope, looking grievously annoyed. "I was thinking that there is no better way to teach her anatomy and physiology than a dissection."
"I picked out all the spinal nerves and got all of them right!" chimed in Kiyohime from where she was sitting, briefly turning to look at Tsunade with an expectant look of praise.
"I know you're a smart girl Kiyo-chan," she said to the girl a bit snappishly before turning back to Orochimaru. "However I'm not sure if the same applies to your father."
It was kind of painful to see Kiyohime's downcast expression at the dismissive praise... and it also wasn't very pleasant to watch her growing concern and distress on her face as she watched the two adults squaring off.
"I'm not sure what your problem is Tsunade. You of all people should be thrilled that I'm teaching her about the human body."
"There are other ways to teach a three year old about anatomy! She's just a little girl who at this stage of her development is easily traumatized. Use some goddamn restraint!"
"I did," Orochimaru answered dryly, starting to look dangerously annoyed. "It wasn't a live dissection."
By the way Tsunade clenched her fists and that one muscle in her jaw started jumping Dan was suddenly a hundred percent sure that this was about to devolve into an all out screaming match. Looking at the increasingly anxious Kiyohime, Dan made an executive decision. It might get him his head bitten off but he didn't think any kid should have to watch two of her caretakers going at each other in that way.
"Kiyo-chan," he said as he smoothly slid up to the girl with a smile, speaking loud enough to catch everyone's attention. "Why don't you and I go get some ice cream? And let these two sort out their differences in private."
"She's not going anywhere," Orochimaru said without ever breaking his staring contest with Tsunade. "She needs to watch the samples."
"You can watch your own damn samples for a while," retorted Tsunade while maintaining the same focused eye contact on her teammate. "You and I need to have a talk about what is and isn't an appropriate activity for a child."
Kiyohime looked torn and slightly panicked, looking back and forth between her two caretakers, clearly unsure as to which one she should be listening to. Dan decided to take the decision out of her hands. He picked her up and put her down gently on the ground, the girl letting out a surprised squeak in the process. When she looked up curiously at him with big, questioning eyes he just gave her a bright smile and grabbed her hand. "We better let these two talk in private. Come on, I know this great ice cream spot not too far from here."
Kiyohime still looked torn, looking back and forth between the two Sannin who seemed to be on the verge of a truly epic showdown of an argument, but she didn't fight him as he led her by the hand out the door. The yelling didn't resume until the heavy metal door was closed firmly behind them. At least they had been considerate enough to wait until Kiyohime had left the room to really start tearing into each other.
Kiyohime looked anxiously at the door as she listened to the muffled voices coming through from the other side. Dan tugged her along and began to walk back towards the exit, determined to take the little girl's mind off of what she had just seen. "So Kiyo-chan, what's your favorite ice cream flavor?"
000
Fifteen minutes later Kiyo-chan was happily devouring a double stacked cone of chocolate ice cream, somehow managing to get chocolate smeared all over her face. Thankfully once Dan had gotten her distracted enough with questions and ice cream she seemed to have forgotten all about her worry about the argument going on in the basement that doubled as her home. He led the two of them towards a small park nearby while he ate his own single scoop of vanilla ice cream at a much more sedate pace.
"Are you Momma's boyfriend?" the little girl asked him out of the blue as soon as they sat down on a bench shaded by a large tree.
It was a bit strange hearing this little girl call his girlfriend "Momma"... strange and strangely adorable too. Dan felt his cheeks warm a little as his mind inadvertently supplied him images of him and Tsunade making babies and creating a family of their own. A little too soon for that.
Dan cleared his throat and addressed the little girl with him with a smile. "Well, yes, we've been dating for about four months now," he said, almost giddy at the thought. "How do you know about boyfriends Kiyo-chan? It doesn't seem like something that would come up much." With your weird and somewhat creepy father, that is.
Kiyo paused to take a few bites out of her ice cream before answering him. "Nami-chan told me about them. She says she wants a boyfriend so she can get married and have babies and that will hopefully get her mother off her back about her being an old maid."
"I... see," said Dan with an eyebrow raised in amusement. "And who is Nami-chan again?"
"She's one of my nannies," Kiyohime said with a shrug and a half smile.
There was a moment of silence before Kiyo spoke again.
"So does that mean you and Momma are going to get married and have babies?" she asked inquisitively. "I don't want Momma to become an old maid."
Dan swallowed wrong, a blob of ice cream going down the wrong tube and sending him into a coughing fit.
"Though she's my Momma," Kiyohime said seriously, sending him a warning glare and completely ignoring his bout of coughing. "If you try to take her away from me you'll be sorry."
A few seconds later Dan finally got his coughing fit under control. "Sorry about that," he said, clearing his throat. "You just caught me by surprise that's all."
Kiyohime looked at him curiously. "Why? You don't want to get married and make babies with Momma?"
Oh, this girl was going to be the death of me. "It's not that. It's just that... well... people usually date a lot longer before they start thinking about stuff like that, that's all."
"Really?" the girl said with a tinge of excitement, in a tone of voice that implied she might have just made a fascinating new discovery. "How long?"
Dan scratched the back of his head, feeling increasingly uncomfortable about these type of questions... even if they were from a three year old as opposed to, say, his girlfriend's mother or something. Then again since this little girl obviously saw Tsunade as something of a mother figure then maybe... naw. She was way too young for the "what are your intentions" talk, even if it was clear that she was an unusually smart little girl.
"Oh you know... a year... a couple of years or more. There isn't any set time frame. It really just depends on what the couple decides," Dan said. There. Nice, safe answer that wouldn't get him in trouble with Tsunade if and when she eventually heard about this.
"You're not just stringing her along are you?" she said, suddenly peering up at him suspiciously.
If he'd been eating his ice cream in that moment he might have choked again.
"N-no! Of course not!" he denied on reflex, looking genuinely disquieted at the very suggestion. The things things Tsunade would do to him if she even thought that was a possibility! "I really, genuinely care about your Momma!"
Kiyo peered at him suspiciously for an uncomfortably long time before she was apparently satisfied that he was telling the truth. With a dignified nod in his direction she turned back to her chocolate ice cream. "Good. Don't string her along. And don't try to take her away from me, or you'll be sorry. In fact..." the girl said thoughtfully before trailing off.
Dan made the mistake of picking that moment to start eating his ice cream again.
"... in fact, if you try anything funny I'll tell Daddy and Momma that you touched me in a bad place."
Once again the glob of ice cream went down the wrong tube and sent him into a massive coughing fit.
"I'm only telling you that because I remember that Daddy said that vague threats aren't as good as specific con-se-quen-ses," Kiyohime said with a decisive nod, looking mighty pleased with herself. "Now if you screw up you'll know exactly what is going to happen."
Dan spent the rest of their outing together trying to explain to her why she shouldn't make those sorts of threats or false accusations.
To his horror, he couldn't say with a hundred percent certainty that he'd actually convinced her.
Dan never thought he'd be legitimately scared of what a three year old could do. There was a first time for everything, he supposed. He had only gotten a promise out of her to never say something like that after he had effectively more or less agreed to buy her free chocolate ice cream for life.
Blackmailed by a toddler. If anyone found out he would never, ever live that one down.
… Kiyohime definitely needed to spend less time around cutthroat ninja. From what he understood of her situation she rarely – if ever – spent time with other kids her age. He certainly couldn't imagine Orochimaru taking his daughter to play dates with other kids. Maybe he could suggest it to Tsunade? And he wouldn't really mind taking little Kiyo-chan if no one else was able to do it.
Even though the little girl had scared the daylights out of him... he liked her.
He liked all kids, and maybe Kiyo-chan needed a little more help most.
Maybe it was a little arrogant of him but he'd always thought "Uncle Dan" would have a nice ring to it, after all.
