Author's Note: HOLY CRAP, this is incredible. Someone liked the Mortal Instruments' books on tape. I wish I could record myself making fun of it so I could be all ::high voice:: HI I'M CLARY ::deep voice:: AND I'M LUKE ::deeper voice:: AND I'M JACE, WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE WAY YOUNGER THAN LUKE ::racist accent:: AND I AM RAPHAEL, APPARENTLY I HAVE A PRETTY SERIOUS SPEECH IMPEDIMENT THAT SOMEONE COULD POSSIBLY POTENTIALLY MAYBE MISTAKE FOR AN ACCENT.
But you know, whatever. I like to post new stuff once a week, but now I've got a friend reading, so in order to expedite the mocking and avoid an expensive train ticket, I'm gonna post early. This chapter is for you, Big T, in honor of our first meeting in a rest stop outside of Oakdale (you remember, John Tyler was working the water pump so we could flush). But maybe next time you review, you could mention how much Edward Cullen is lacking from my Mortal Instruments story. How can I take you seriously otherwise?
For everyone else, I hope you enjoy chapter two. Regardless of whether you do or not, I would like to say that I have nothing to do with the awesomeness of Alec and the ridiculousness of Jace (seriously, is there anything he can't do? He's Superman, only angsty. How annoying.). That's Cassandra Clare. Although you must already know that or you wouldn't be here reading this crap.
*************************
There was someone already at the urinals when Alec walked in, and he cleared his throat to stop his laughter. He staggered toward the open urinal and unzipped his pants, glancing over at the person next to him. Quickly he put his eyes on the wall in front of him, not eager to invade someone else's sense of privacy in a skeevy New York bar.
"Hi."
Alec's head swiveled to his left; he didn't generally have conversations in the men's room. His astonished look changed to a grin. This guy was cute.
"Hey," he replied, ignoring his complaining bladder.
"What's a guy like you doing in a dive like this?" The young man had soft, wavy light brown hair that hung into his eyes, framing a sweet young face and an even sweeter smiling red mouth.
"Pissin'," Alec told him. "Nice pick up line."
They both grinned at each other.
"Been practicing it all week in front of the mirror. I'm Leander. You with anyone tonight?"
"Alec. Nope." Alec was pleased. He could show his ex how a rebound was supposed to happen; Leander was twice as good looking as that pimply tweenie Magnus was currently defiling. Plus, Alec wouldn't need to wear a rental tuxedo to a Junior Prom to get Leander to go down on him.
"Not that pretty blonde at the bar?" Leander asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Pretty…?" Alec frowned. A blonde… He had come with… a blonde… "Who… oh, Jace? No. He's straight. Plus he's dating his sister."
Leander stared at him.
"Well not anymore," Alec corrected himself, hiccupping once before quickly covering his mouth. "I mean, he figured out that she was a raging bitch. And crazy."
"I… see…" the boy said slowly. "Huh…"
"Do you wanna… like, go somewhere?" Alec interrupted Leander's thoughtful confusion.
"Yeah, let's do that, Alec." He smirked. "Look, I'm from out of town, I got a room at the hotel on the corner. Room 213. Meet me there in forty-five minutes?"
"Sure. I gotta ditch the blonde. I mean the brother. I mean, Jace." He laughed weakly.
Leander gave him a broad toothy grin, nodded, and left the bathroom. Alec watched him go before suddenly remembering that he was about to pee in his pants.
Yelping, he turned to the urinal to unzip his fly and quickly realized he'd just had an entire conversation with a cute guy with his dick hanging out of his pants.
****
At the bar, Jace was trying to use a stirrer to pick out all the pieces of mint from the glass and eat them. He was in the middle of getting out a whole leaf when someone knocked his arm and sat down on the stool next to him.
"That was my spinach!" Jace said in dismay, turning to look. "And that seat is taken."
"Oh, is it? I'm sorry!"
Jace blinked, and his mouth fell open slightly for a moment. "I… I mean, taken. By you. It's taken by you." He tried to grin charmingly. He was way too drunk to be flirting with such a cute girl, but hell if that would stop him.
"Oh, yeah, I guess it is!" She beamed at him. She had short, wavy light brown hair, gentle blue eyes, and rosy cheeks, and Jace knew he was in love. Or he knew that he had to pee.
No, wait.
He was in love.
NO, WAIT.
It was pee.
The girl flicked her hair out of her eyes with one finger and Jace knew right then and there what he felt.
Horny. Horny as shit.
"Thingy," he blurted, and the girl jolted with surprise. "Can I get you… a… a… whaddya call it… a thingy?" He didn't wait for a reply, already waving down the bartender with a wild motion. "A fruity thingy? Or a non-fruity one, that's okay too."
"A mojito," she told the bartender, who nodded and began making another.
"Holy crap, that's what I'm drinking." Jace clutched his empty glass protectively. "What's your name?"
"Leann," she told him, leaning forward so that he could see her breasts down the front of her too-tight low-cut blouse. "What's yours?"
He had to think hard about that one as he stared down her cleavage.
"It's……….."
Booooooooobs.
"Jace," he said finally, forcing his eyes back up to her face. "This must be divine provi– provi–" THINK MAN, THINK. YOU KNOW THIS WORD. "Provi-vence."
Nope, that wasn't it.
Just keep moving, maybe she didn't notice. He could still recover.
"Ha ha! Oh man, no more whiskey for me, Leann. But seriously. This is fate, right? I'm here, you're here; we're here together. I'm drinking spinach; you're drinking spinach… together…" Jace gestured back and forth between them with his glass. Leann raised an eyebrow, but he did not notice. "I think this is a sign that we're meant to spend the rest of the evening together. Beneath the stars, together, exploring the world, and the whole time we'll be together."
"I think you said 'together' a half a dozen times," she muttered, then said louder, "How about we just get a hotel room?"
Jace stared at her. This would take a moment to work through.
It wasn't cheating on Clary, because she had told him it was over. She had also thrown an ashtray at his head. And then she had taken out a restraining order on him; which didn't frighten him so much as stress the painful fact that she didn't want him to call her fifteen times a day from payphones; nor did she want to look through the kitchen window to see him standing on the street corner at two a.m. anymore.
Plus, she had told him she was screwing the mailman. And before that, a werewolf. And before that, a dog groomer. And before that, a guy who ran a hot dog stand. And before that, a boy selling newspapers on the corner wearing a really cute Newsies hat, who may or may not have looked kind of like Christian Bale.
While she'd told him this, his eyes had started to get hot and red and itchy and watery (allergies, of course). Then she'd told him that he was a sad loser, and if he gave Simon a call, they could form a Sad Loser Club and fight over who got to be president. He hadn't wanted to ask if the winner would be more of a Sad Loser or less of one.
So really, sleeping with Leann wouldn't be cheating. But just the same, his heart was telling him that it would make him untrue to his passion and love for Clary.
Leann twirled some hair around a finger and batted her eyes as she sipped at her mojito, giggling when it dribbled down her chin a little onto her chest and into her cleavage. Her pointer finger dove in after it and she pulled it out of her tits before sticking it in her mouth and sucking it clean.
"Yeah, okay," he said dumbly. Screw Clary. This chick was hot.
"Hotel, on the corner," she told him. "Half an hour." She pulled a pen out of her purse and scribbled a number on the back of his hand.
"Half an hour," he repeated.
"See you, Jace." She gave him a coy smile and flounced out of the bar.
****
Alec made his way out to the bar to find Jace chugging three glasses of water. He stared at his parabatai in amazement and disgust.
"That… is a lot of water," he said slowly.
Jace gasped as he gulped down the last of his glass. "Gotta sober up," he said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Girl."
"Mm, she's cute," Alec said, looking at the empty stool. "What's your name, Miss? Oh? 'Jace-Is-A-Liar?' That's pretty. Is it French?"
"I'm not that drunk," Jace retorted.
Alec looked around. "Then where is she?"
"She left," Jace replied, grabbing another glass on the counter and draining it.
"How long was I in the bathroom?" Alec asked, looking at the crowd in puzzlement.
"Five minutes," Jace panted, slamming the glass on the bar. He pulled out his stele and handed it to Alec. "Gimme a protection rune. I don't know if she's clean or not."
"You work fast."
"C'mon, just do it," Jace complained, rolling up a sleeve.
Taking the stele, Alec grabbed Jace's wrist and pulled him from the barstool. "I'm not drawing a rune on your arm in the middle of a bar," he snapped, then winced. He didn't like that he couldn't control how he said things when he was drunk. It wasn't that big of a deal and he wasn't really that upset. "C'mon, bathroom."
Although truthfully, he felt a little wounded. This was supposed to be their night out together, drinking away their troubles and failed relationships. Instead, Jace was ditching him to go bump uglies with some stranger.
They entered the bathroom and Alec let out a wild giggle as he looked at the urinal where he'd talked to Leander. Suddenly he was flooded with relief, remembering he was trying to get rid of Jace so he could go to the hotel.
"Alec, you've got to stop giggling, people are going to think you're on E. They're going to start offering you orange juice and things to rub your face on. It's a slipper… slipperslop…"
"Slippery slope?"
"Slippy slopey." Jace blinked and shook his head to clear it, trying to suppress the giggles he felt rising to the top.
"Give me the rune too," Alec told Jace, handing him the stele as they stopped in front of the urinals.
The blonde stared at him in surprise. "What? Why?"
"No reason." Alec shrugged, and Jace could see he was blushing and smiling a little.
"What, you met someone in here and were just lookin' for an excuse to get rid of me?" Jace snorted, only partially jesting.
Alec shrugged again, trying to look nonchalant. Instead, he was grinning goofily.
"And you say I work fast." Jace slugged his shoulder with a knowing smirk and took the stele.
"Turn around, it'll look more natural on your back," Alec told him, taking his shoulder and turning him around. He drew the rune for protection on Jace's lower neck, watching the skin glow and then darken. Underneath he sloppily drew the rune for virility. "You'll thank me for that one later," he mused aloud, glad Clary had served some purpose in their lives. If it had not been for her, there would never have been any runes that were completely and utterly useless in combat. "C'mon, do me."
Alec turned and waited patiently while Jace drew on the back of his neck. It burned and he grit his teeth briefly. Jace put a finger on the rune and pushed, knocking Alec's balance enough that he took a step forward. It hurt, and Alec put a hand up to the back of his neck, face cringing as he turned to look at Jace.
"What the hell?" he asked, rubbing the tender skin and frowning at his best friend.
"You do this a lot?" Jace asked, not looking at Alec as he took his stele back and slid it into his pocket. "Meet guys in bathrooms?"
"Yeah, all the time, especially at rest stops," Alec replied, rolling his eyes. "Don't act like my mom, it's annoying."
"Maryse would never ask you something like that." Jace straightened his shirt collar and handed Alec his stele. "That's why I asked it. Because someone should."
"I'm okay, Jace," Alec said, going for the door. The nastiness was back in his voice, but he didn't care. "It's a bar. I'd have met him out on the floor if I hadn't met him in here. We'd have said the same things and he'd have been the same guy. The only difference is that no one was staring in disgust at the homos at the urinals and I'm not gonna feel the urge to kick in anyone's teeth."
"Yeah." Jace nodded, looking at the wall as they left the bathroom. Alec glanced at him. Even through his drunken haze, he could see the dark expression on Jace's face, and thought of how Jace had looked at him after he'd come back from crying on the phone with Magnus. He wasn't sure when either of them had seen the other cry last, but it certainly hadn't been since they were teenagers.
"It's just that… I dunno… maybe we're making mistakes going off like this." Jace had to yell over the music and voices in the bar. Alec smirked to himself, knowing he'd been right; Jace was worried that his parabatai was too emotionally fucked to go try and screw a stranger he'd met in a bathroom.
"What, trying to forget our broken hearts in the arms of total strangers?" Alec called back with a wry smile. "C'mon, that's pretty much tried and true right there."
Jace forced a smile onto his face. "That's what I hear."
"I'll see you tomorrow?"
Nodding slowly, Jace began to head for the door. "I'm gonna take off now. You gonna go too?"
"No, I need to drink some water or I'll get a hangover." Alec raised a hand in farewell, and Jace nodded again before walking out of the bar.
