I'm surprised that this story has been so well received so far… I haven't had one flame yet! Let's see whether I can change that with this parody of New Moon. It was actually my favourite of the four books, mainly because Edward was barely in it, so I loved writing this particular chapter. I hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Twilight.

CULLENS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BELLA!

ALICE: Look at this beautiful party I spent weeks organizing for you! Look at this huge cake I made in the shape of Edward's face-

BELLA: Oh, a birthday party. How annoying! You guys KNOW I hate any form of contact with other people! Except Edward, that is.

EDWARD: I believe you have me confused. I am not a person. I am a vampire, and we are not worthy of this-

EVERYONE: Shut up, Edward.

ALICE: Come over here to the mound of presents! You'll be pleased to know that they are completely safe. I removed all that barbed wire Rosalie tied around the presents, and now there's no way even you could injure yourself on them!

BELLA: Oops, I gave myself a paper cut.

JASPER: BLOOODD!

CARLISLE: Jasper, stop eating your brother's girlfriend. Let everyone else have a bite first.

BELLA: I TOLD you not to throw me a birthday party. This is why I'm so antisocial. Well… no it's not. I just hate people.

EDWARD: (in a creepy, I'm-going-to-rape-you-and-then-slit-your-throat way) Come into the forest with me, Bella.

BELLA: Okay! I see absolutely nothing strange or creepy in the way you're acting!

EDWARD: Look, here's the thing. I'm dumping you. There's this awesome girl I know who wears a mountain lion-skin bikini when she hunts. So… have a great life!

BELLA: NO, YOU CAN'T LEAVE! I LOVE YOU, COME BACK! (two hours later) Okay, I'm REALLY angry now! If you don't come back I'll sit down and hold my breath! Then you'll be sorry!

SAM: Are you sure you want your daughter back, Charlie? I could just, you know, discreetly drop her off a cliff somewhere. I wouldn't tell anyone, I promise.

BELLA: I am so depressed. I think I should become a hermit.

JACOB: Hi, do you remember me?

BELLA: Nope.

JACOB: Oh… well, I never wear a shirt, and-

BELLA: Let's be friends! Best friends! But first, I have to go into the forest to sulk a bit. It's something I try to do for a few hours every day.

LAURENT: Bella! What extraordinary luck that you happen to be in the same meadow I am passing through, just when I'm starting to get thirsty!

BELLA: Oh, no, don't kill me! But wait… dying is a great way to get attention! Go on!

HALLUCINATION OF EDWARD: Run, Bella! There are more things coming this way that also eat small, defenseless human boys! Or are you a girl?

BELLA: Edward! I knew you still loved me- Oh my God, giant wolves!

LAURENT: Oh, just be quiet, mon petit repas. Do you seriously expect me to believe there is a pack of giant wolves behind me?

BELLA: There is seriously a pack of giant wolves behind you.

LAURENT: Yeah, right… AU SECOURS! Un loup massif me mange!

BELLA: I really should be running away right now, but I want to steal Laurent's jacket, so I might just hang around for a second.

JACOB: I have a secret.

BELLA: Oh no, is it that you're gay? You're gay, aren't you? Why are all the hot guys gay?

JACOB: No, much more exciting than that! But I can't tell you, so you'll have to guess. I'll give you a hint: I am not a cat.

BELLA: Um… God, I have no idea. Are you a refrigerator?

JACOB: Oooh, close! Nah, just kidding, you're way off. Think what mythical monsters there are in Harry Potter.

BELLA: I know, you're a werewolf!

JACOB: YES! And so are all my friends. Come and meet them!

BELLA: Hmm… why does this scenario feel so familiar to me? I must have gone to meet a pack of werewolves before or something.

SAM: Hello. I'm the alpha male of the werewolf pack. I'm marrying my ex-girlfriend's cousin.

LEAH: I'm the ex-girlfriend.

BELLA: Why should I care? Let me just remind you that my life is OVER! Why is everyone so selfish?

SETH: I'm Leah's brother. I'm adorable! If you would ever like someone to hug, I'm your guy. Here's my card.

PAUL: I'm a bit of a douche, actually. Even I have to admit that.

JARED: I don't know what kind of personality I'm supposed to have, since I only get about seven lines throughout this whole series.

JACOB: Now that you have no boyfriend, would you like to go out with me?

BELLA: No, not really. I like my men sparkly.

JACOB: My teeth are sparkly.

BELLA: Let's not run away with ourselves, Jacob.

SAM: Great news! That evil vampire, Victoria, is coming after you. So… good luck with that.

BELLA: Aren't you going to save me? I mean, God, it's not like I can do anything myself!

SAM: No. What do you think we are, some kind of gang? Let's go cliff-diving, boys.

BELLA: Hey, check out those guys jumping off that cliff into the ocean! I want to try that!

HALLUCINATION OF EDWARD: Don't be so stupid! I can't believe anyone could be that stupid. You'll drown, idiot!

BELLA: Why on earth would I drown? The ocean LOVES me, like everyone else! Oh… I have water in my lungs.

JACOB: I'll save you, Bella!

BELLA: Oh, it's you. I thought you were that hot Jared guy. Damn.

JACOB: Why did I save you again?

ALICE: Oh no! I didn't make it back in time. She's like, totally dead.

BELLA: No, I was just having some fun. God, why does everyone always assume I have no idea how to look after myself?

ALICE: Hate to break it to you, but Edward thinks you're dead. So he's gone to ask the evil vampire royal family, the Volturi, to kill him. You have to save him!

BELLA: Oh, no! I could never do that! I'm far too clumsy! Can't your family save Edward?

ALICE: No; they faint at the sight of bad plotlines.

BELLA: Oh. Alright, then. I must risk my life to save the guy who broke my heart into a thousand little pieces!

ALICE: You're a whackjob. But let's go, we have a long journey ahead of us and I have to shove my wardrobe into a suitcase again.

BELLA: Don't kill yourself, Edward! I just drowned, but I totally saved myself! I'm amazing.

EDWARD: What, you're alive now? Why doesn't this plot make any sense?

BELLA: I don't know, Edward. Let me stroke your pale, hairy chest.

ARO: Hello, I'm the leader of the Volturi! Sorry to interrupt your weird chest-stroking ritual, but I really must know whether you want to join our freaky cult.

MARCUS: I'm bored.

CAIUS: I'M ANGRY! Let's kill them!

JANE: I torture people for a living. Screwed up, right?

ALEC: I can deprive people of their senses. That's less screwed up than my twin sister, right?

ARO: (slightly hopeful) Would you still like us to kill you, Edward?

EDWARD: Maybe next time.

ARO: Okay! You can go. Just take my business card. Call me anytime you want to die an agonising death!

CAIUS: Aw, MAN! You never let me kill ANYONE!

ARO: Stop throwing a tantrum and eat your human, Caius!

EDWARD: I don't actually hate you Bella, I was just trying to protect you from myself.

JACOB: HA! What an excuse!

BELLA: Oh, Edward! That is so romantic and selfless!

JACOB: Wait, what? Oh… I see. Dogs aren't good enough for you, huh? Well, I don't like you either! I can find a new girlfriend any time I want, with these ripped abs.

BELLA: Oh, Edward! Let us continue where we left off with the chest-stroking.

ALICE: Why am I even with these people? I'm too good for them.

JACOB: Me too. I should go out with you instead. Or I would if we weren't mortal enemies.

BELLA: Happy ending!

For people who don't speak French, I'll just give a quick translation of Laurent's lines:

Mon petit repas = My little meal.

Au secours! Un loup massif me mange! = Help! A giant wolf is eating me!

I love reviews. :P