In The Shadows - Part Two

Summary: After the disastrous handling of their moment of weakness Jack and Sam withdraw completely into their military roles…but how long can this last before everyone starts to notice something is wrong?

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters nor make any profit from my writing.

Part two…

Previously…she pulled the gun strap over her head and adjusted it to suit her grip. Heartbroken and confused and more lonely than she had ever felt with the rest of the team so close she began a slow circuit of the site. Tears shone in her eyes and she blinked them away, ignoring them as they trickled from her eyes like twin rivulets of mercury, clearing her vision for the task ahead.

Jack stormed back to his tent, uncaring of the noise caused by his careless footsteps, his heart pounding and his thoughts fevered. He took one look at the tent flap and shook his head roughly, throwing himself instead onto the grassy sward, his heavy boots and combat trousers illuminated by the glowing embers of the campfire, his head and torso hidden in darkness and warped by occasional flickering shadows each time the breeze caused a spark to flare up into the blackness.

"Way to go Jack", he murmured to himself in disgust. Lying back into the inky embrace of the short grass he stared blindly up at the sky, seeing nothing but velvet blackness, broken by the stabbing silver light of each distant star. Slowly the vivid points began to enlarge, each star seeming to burst, throwing myriad, argent rays across the Colonel's vision. The starlight expanded until he was blinded to anything else but the criss-crossing pattern above him…the tear fell, slipping along the path of least resistance from the corner of his unblinking eye and into the hairline above his left ear. He shook his head slightly and blinked to dislodge another traitorous tear lingering in his right eye. He lay motionless while his mind worked furiously, unaware of the long minutes passing. The night sky swam back into focus and Jack scrubbed the back of his hands roughly over his face, shutting his eyes against the onslaught and swallowing the lump in his throat.

"What the hell just happened", he thought. Even inside his own head he detected a hint of hysteria in his voice.

"We could handle it - we could. It can't sneak up on you when you know it's there!". He could scarcely believe how inappropriately he had acted but his mind pulsed with doubt and confusion. "What if it had been her, what if she had been the one to kiss me first? Who was it? It was me. Wasn't it?". The Colonel was beside himself, wracking his memories of the moment despite the horrible burning sensation they caused , exposing him to guilt and desire and then more guilt at the desire…round and round again in a unending torment as he tried to probe to the truth of it.

If it had been him then she could make a complaint against his behaviour. If it had been her then he could do the same. Neither of them were going to do that, their bond was too close to ever betray one another in that way, their feelings were mutual, they both knew it, but they had both agreed without ever speaking a word, that they would keep their attraction under control. It was secondary to their very existence in the Stargate project and had to be buried if they were to carry on their lives and the job they loved.

Whoever it had been, they had weakened to the point of losing their self-control and that meant that one of them had to ensure that it would never happen again. He thought they were managing, stealing their love in ways that no-one else had to. A glance, a wink, a smile, a hug…so many ways in which they had survived. Feeding their need with camaraderie and restraint; innocent seeming touches to anyone else that enabled them to revel in the forbidden heat that each such moment caused. Secret smiles, gazing into each others eyes and taking the love that was there, accepting it, refusing to go further.

That was what their lives had been about, they saved the world, they got to travel the universe and they kept their secret, together. That one person should have broken their unspoken code was travesty, a betrayal of trust.

Jack opened his eyes again and sat up with his arms crooked around his knees. He drew a deep breath, in and out, his whole body appeared to strengthen as his mind spoke its resolution. "If it was me, then I'll make sure I am never in a position to repeat myself, and if it was her…I'll make sure she never gets the chance to do it again", the words resounded loudly and clearly in his mind and the grim mantle of duty settled heavily about his shoulders.

Decided at last he laid back once more, the ground seemed to swallow him up as he closed his eyes and allowed himself to slip eventually into a fitful sleep.

Carter crouched down to the ground, resting after a series of fruitless circuits of the camp. She realised how stupid she was being, if there really was anyone out there they would be far more likely to see her if she kept pacing about like that. She was back in the spot where, an hour before, she had joined with her superior officer in a passionate kiss, the thought made her burn with shame and excitement in equal measures.

She could hardly believe that he had given in so unexpectedly and broken their unspoken pact. She was both thrilled to the point of shock and angered that he had taken it upon himself to change their situation. "And he blamed me too?", she shook her head incredulously at the memory even as a lump began to swell in her throat once more.

"Stop that Carter, get a grip", she commanded herself quietly, pinching the bridge of her nose and surreptitiously wiping any trace of her earlier tears away.

She scanned the area and the surrounding tree line once more, moving quietly beneath the rustling canopy and sitting down in the lee of a large rock to observe the camp below. A slight movement caught her eye and she turned her head instinctively, allowing her peripheral vision, sharper in the dark, to catch it, as she had been taught. It was a movement by the campfire, someone sitting just outside the circle of the dying light. Her heart caught in her mouth as she recognised the profile of the figure as that of Colonel Jack O'Neill. She wondered for a moment if he had spotted her but she knew that even the dim embers would have caused damage to his night vision. She was invisible to him and couldn't help but stare as she watched him looking up at the night sky; legs sprawled out towards the fire, arms thrown out from his body and his ever-present baseball cap held loosely in one, outstretched hand.

Sam drew her binoculars out of a pouch and raised them up to her eyes, the black rubber felt cold and her eyes felt tight where tears had dried on the delicate skin. The Colonel came into view but, apart from his black boots and olive combats the rest of his body was in shadow. With her sights set on him she waited, willing her eyes to see through the night shadows for a glimpse as his face, a hint of his expression to tell her how he might be feeling, how he was reacting to the connotations of the kiss they had shared.

Suddenly he shook his head, tilting it slightly to the side, the familiar planes of his face emerging into the gentle moonlight. The sultry glow of the embers could not touch him from where he lay and so he appeared monochrome - white face, hair darkened by the shadows of the grass, pale lips, black eyes and…her heart pounded within her…a tear track, glistening in the light and only visible because of the high magnification of the binoculars.

She watched him, weeping under the stars, silent and still. No movement, no sobbing, just the silent dignity of grief flowing uncontrolled over his defined cheekbones and disappearing where the pale skin met his hairline. Unashamed, she let her own tears fall once more, distraught at his pain. She would not intrude upon this moment and shame him for crying, he was a private person where feelings were concerned and there's no way he'd appreciate being caught out like this.

"We have to talk", she thought to herself. "Soon".

He lay there for a long time, she wondered if he even knew how long he had been lost in silent reverie before he came back to himself, scrubbed his hand across his eyes and sat up. Even from this distance she could sense that he had gained a new control over himself. If she hadn't witnessed it, she would have sworn that he hadn't just been crying. He looked about, his expression grim, before settling back onto the grass and closing his eyes.

Sam woke to the smell of coffee. "Nice one Daniel", she thought to herself. She rolled swiftly out of bed and pulled on her boots, bending over the side of the camp-bed to pull the laces tight. The memories of last night came crashing back to her in an instant, jolting her insides so hard that she nearly fell. She couldn't let on to anyone that anything was amiss - she was sure Jack would do the same, she hoped he would, he was that upset she feared for a moment he might crack completely and blurt something out in front of the others, uncaring of the consequences.

Carter combed her fingers through her blonde locks and pushed her way out of the tent, she straightened up resolutely and smiled as Daniel held out a steaming mug for her. "Morning Teal'c", She crowed as the Jaffa warrior inclined his head politely towards her. "Morning Daniel, thanks!", she raised the mug appreciatively in his direction before taking a sip of the welcoming bitter taste of the coffee.

"Morning Campers"", O'Neill's grinning face appeared amongst them, dark glasses a barrier to Carter's searching glance.

"Morning Jack", said Daniel, already half-distracted by his notes from the previous day.

"It is indeed morning 'O'Neill", Teal'c raised an questioning eyebrow before applying himself once more to a bowl of cereal.

"Sir", Sam's voice was steady although it had felt as if she was pushing the word out against its will. She flashed a quick smile, too fast, she hoped for anyone to detect its falseness.

Jack smirked back just as swiftly and carried on, barely even glancing in her direction. "I just radioed back to Hammond, we're cleared for another day of discovery and delight in the great outdoors". "Be ready to move out in 20 minutes OK kids?", his tone of voice was adorably teasing and irreverent as always, sometimes it was easy to forget that behind that adolescent seeming sarcasm lurked a highly trained professional, deadly, experienced and controlled. Sam realised that he would never blurt out anything in front of the rest of the team, it was only when they were alone that he had ever allowed his iron will to dissolve. How many years had she been weakening that barrier, slowly eating into him, absorbing his essence like some kind of crazed chemical?

Jack plonked himself unceremoniously onto un upturned log that he'd dragged there when they first set up camp, he stared resolutely into the blackened remains of the previous nights fire despite all of Carter's attempts at catching his eye so Sam sighed quietly to herself and made her way back into the tent to collect her gear for the day.

Twenty minutes came and went in the blink of an eye with Jack waiting impatiently at the edge of the camp for Daniel to quickly grab the rest of his stuff. "Aaaany time today Danny", he said with mild annoyance.

"Teal'c? You and Daniel take point, me and Carter will be on your Six". Sam look askance at the Colonel - this was what she had been waiting for - a moment alone to sort out the tumultuous events of last night.

Teal'c and Daniel nodded their ascent and made off along the faint trail, Jack didn't look to see if Sam was following as he made off behind them, walking slower and slower, letting himself fall behind enough to give them the privacy he needed.

He turned suddenly and stopped as the two in front turned out of view, he slid his sunglasses from the bridge of his nose and released them to hang around his neck. Sam looked into his eyes for the first time since their kiss, schooling her face to remain expressionless before him.

"Carter. I think you know why I sent the rest ahead.", She nodded as he spoke, uncertain of what was coming next.

"I'm sorry for last night, it should never have happened", he spoke coldly, devoid of any emotion that she could detect.

"I'm sorry too Sir", she replied quietly.

"Good", Jack paused, collecting his thoughts.

"I have a job to do, so do you, and if we can't be trusted to get on and do it then we shouldn't be on this team together. I'm not going to let SG1 suffer because of us…", he looked at her with sincerity shining in his eyes.

"I'm not going to let you throw away your career for…for anything OK?, He stopped what he had been about to say, she could tell he was going to say 'for me'.

"I've seen a lot of crazy stuff Carter, so have you. You know as well as I do what happens when two people get thrown together into life and death situations. Bonds form, sometimes they get mistaken for something more, do I make myself clear?", his tone hardened and his eyes turned to agate.

"Crystal Sir", she replied formally, secretly shocked that he was taking this tone with her. They had been through so much together - they had an understanding. They had overstepped the mark sure enough but surely they could forgive each other this one transgression and carry on like before? What they had was too valuable to cast aside like this - and what they had was far more than some weird psychological quirk, developed through co-dependence in life-threatening scenarios, she thought to herself angrily.

"Sweet. Now lets get on with our job shall we Captain?". Without waiting for a response he turned on his heel and strode of purposefully towards the site.

Sam watched his back in silence for a second before she hurried to catch up. They walked in silence; not the companionable silence they had always shared before, an awkward silence where neither wanted to speak and yet both feared the other was about to.

The day passed uneventfully, the ruins were nothing more than a long-abandoned settlement, similar in construction to British iron-age forts. Daniel had found plenty to interest him but nothing of any value to their ongoing battle with the Goa'uld and their standing orders.

Stepping back through the Stargate on schedule, the team had been greeted as usual by General Hammond, they reported to the infirmary as ordered and sat through the routine examination by Dr Frasier and her team.

"Captain Carter?" enquired Janet as Sam hopped off the bed to leave.

"Could I talk to you for a moment please?, Carter nodded her ascent as the rest of the team walked out through the door, led by Colonel O'Neill. Daniel turned back momentarily and looked questioningly at her. Sam shrugged helplessly and smiled. "Go on Daniel, I'll see you later". Daniel Jackson smiled in agreement and left the two of them alone.

"You seem a little quiet Sam, anything I should know about?".

"No. No, I'm just fine. A little tired I think is all", Carter grimaced inwardly, berating herself for moping about so noticeably.

"You've been under a lot of pressure recently…you all have", the Doctor continued.

"It's OK to feel a little stressed-out now and again but if it's a problem then I can recommend you have a little down time to recoup?", Janet looked searchingly at her friend as if she could read her mind by staring hard enough.

"Janet I'm fine", Carter smile reassuringly, doing her best to put the Doctor at ease.

"Well, be that as it may I'm not happy. Teal'c is always quiet, Daniel is always absorbed with something or another but you and Colonel O'Neill appear strangely quiet to me. I'm going to recommend you have the weekend to yourself - you haven't got any off world trips scheduled anyway so you'd only be hanging 'round the base."

"Dr Frasier that is really unnecessary. I'm Fine…Colonel O'Neill is fine. We're all fine". Sam faded off into silence in the face of the Doctors unrelenting gaze.

"OK. OK! We'll take a break!" Sam laughed at her old friend and hopped back off the bed. "Whatever you say Janet". Dr Frasier smile happily as she watched Sam leave.

Jack lay disconsolately on his bunk, it was still early and they had the weekend off but he couldn't find the motivation to go home. He stared up at the ceiling and thought about his Captain. The hurt in her eyes when he had spoken to her this morning had been almost beyond endurance but it had to be done. He re-wrote the conversation in his head, over and over again, trying to think of a way he could have done it better.

"What's done is done Jack", he said to himself. He'd done the right thing, he knew he had. He couldn't let feelings get in the way of the job. The fate of the world was at stake and all he could think about was that he had hurt her, but she was getting too close - familiarity breeds contempt was the old saying and it was true, he thought, as he replayed the last few years in his mind.

"If we can't control it together then I'll have to control it for the both of us", with that thought he rose decisively and pulled on his leather jacket. "Beer is what I need right now", he chuckled mirthlessly to himself as he opened the door and strode towards the lift to freedom.

Carter sat alone in the bar, she always came here when she had thinking to do, it was near enough to get a taxi home and not too far from the base either. She swigged the final dregs from her bottle and made her way back to the bar to order another. Returning to her seat she glanced disinterestedly around the half-empty pub, stopping in surprise as her eyes lit upon the hunched form of Colonel O'Neill. He was wearing his blue Levis and a blue check shirt, unbuttoned over a white tee-shirt, he hadn't seen her yet and she considered slipping out quietly into the night until he looked up and met her gaze in disbelief.

She grimaced to herself and smiled over at him as cheerfully as she could manage. She couldn't just walk out now so she made her way over to his table and sat down.

"Hi Sir", she said quietly. "I just popped in for a beer, take it you had the same idea?".

Jack looked across at her coldly, freezing her to the spot. "Same idea?", he growled. "Did you follow me here?"

Sam looked shocked at his tone, shocked and hurt, shocked and confused and then her eyes hardened against him.

"I've been here ages, I just noticed you", she replied defensively. "What is with you?"…"Sir", she added belatedly as his look grew harder still.

"You just don't get it do you Carter?" he raised the bottle to his lips and took a long pull at it before he continued.

"I came here to get away from you and here you are, don't you spend enough time following me around that you have to do it in your spare time too?" he stalled immediately, realising that he had gone too far and knowing that there was no way for him to take it back now it had been said.

Sam found her voice again as she stood, slamming her bottle down on the table. "Sorry Sir. I guess I do get sick of you. See you Monday".

She stormed out, head held high and shoulders back letting the door slam closed behind her as she made her way over to the roadside and dialled a cab from her cell-phone. It arrived within minutes and she hardly noticed the drive home, her mind raging at the way he had spoken to her and her heart breaking at the thought of losing the friendship they shared.

Was it worth it? She thought. For one kiss? No, came the stony reply.

Jack watched her leave, desperately urging his stupid body to move, to follow her, to make it right. He berated himself without mercy for losing his temper like that. He was so shocked to see her there, he'd been immersed in thoughts of happier times when they had enjoyed a game of pool together in this very same bar - found himself wishing she was there with him - and there she was, sitting down at his table in answer to his silent prayers.

His mind was clouded with even more doubt as he began to contemplate to possibility that it wasn't her whose feelings were out of control…it was him. He had kissed her, and knowing the way they both felt he could hardly blame her for kissing him back. He had told her to get herself under control and yet he was the one losing it when he met her out in public. He wanted to go to her house, to ring her bell and beg forgiveness for his stupidity. He took his cell-phone out of his top pocket and scrolled through the directory to her home number, selected it and then cancelled the selection, slipping the phone, unused, back into his shirt pocket dejectedly.

"Familiarity breeds contempt", he murmured. "And absence makes the heart grow fonder".

Weeks passed with neither of them broaching the subject of their disastrous encounter. Briefings and missions came and went and the splinter that had gouged into their friendship began to fester, the infection spreading gradually until even Daniel and Teal'c began to work in silence around the other two, sensing the unease but unable to determine its cause or solution.

Jack's running commentary turned from witty sarcasm into acerbic cruelty and Sam turned away from all companionship, retreating into the safety and security of the lab after every mission and appearing at the last minute into the gate room before each new off-world assignment.

Daniel's subtle attempts at getting either one of them to talk were met with cold and deliberate ignorance on the part of O'Neill and unconvincing reassurance on Sam's part that everything was "Just fine".

Breakfast had become such a stony affair that each member now orchestrated their appearance to eat alone and occasional communal lunches were stark and almost silent. Sam took her evening meal into the lab and Jack retreated with his into his office, eating alone and staring sullenly at the dwindling stack of paperwork.

General Hammond met Jack's new found diligence in respect of his paperwork with initial surprise and pleasure until even he began to note the growing hostility within the team dynamics. He took his concerns to Dr Frasier, knocking politely on her open door and awaiting her call before entering into the sick bay.

"Janet", he began, smiling at his old friend.

"Please Sir, sit down". She gestured at an empty chair before taking another for herself.

"What's up General?", she enquired gently.

"Dr Frasier, we have problem with SG1."

"So you've noticed too Sir", she smiled indulgently before turning back to business.

"I've seen them go through rough patches before but this doesn't appear to be coming from any external pressures on the team", continued Hammond thoughtfully.

"I agree Sir".

"Have any of them approached you with any problems? Is there something going on I should know about here?"

"Sir, to my knowledge they are all in the perfect health and I've heard nothing to contradict that assumption".

"Janet, without making any unnecessary assumptions on anyone here I'll suggest that it appears to be Colonel O'Neill and Captain Carter at the route of this unease. Would you agree?".

"Yes, Sir I would, but I can't fathom out what the cause is and if you're looking for answer's I just don't have them I'm afraid."

"Janet, I'm a man of the world, I'm well aware that there may be some problem…something going on that they might confide in you about rather than coming to me. I'm asking you to go and find out what it is, I simply cannot allow this to continue and I'm loathe to order either one of them to tell me, I just feel that would be the wrong way to go about things in this instance. Am I making myself clear?", he smiled to take the edge off of the implied command and leaned forward toward the doctor.

"I need SG1 fully functional or I'm going to have to reconsider their place at the forefront of the action".

"I understand your concerns General, I share them. Leave it with me and I'll see what I can do", she reassured him.

"Thank you Janet, do what you can and report to me if you have any news". The General rose quickly with his final words and smiled again before retiring once more to his office to work through his never-ending in-tray, confident in the knowledge that the Doctor would be able to discover the cause of the problem in his top team before he had to intervene personally.

Jack sat in his car staring at the letter in front of him without seeing it, he didn't need to read it again, the words were graven in his mind, he had written it and re-written it numerous times over the past few days and now he considered once more over whether or not today would be the day. It was his letter of resignation from the Air Force. He shook his head in disbelief that things had gone this far but the rift had grown wider and wider and he was well aware of how badly this was affecting the team. He couldn't let the team suffer…he thought again, he couldn't let Sam suffer in this way and apologising, even if it worked, would only serve to somehow lend approval to their feelings which would lead them back, eventually, to this same situation…or worse, he thought unhappily to himself.

To be continued...