Originally, April had associated the kitchen with bitter thoughts, upon learning that, by some silent agreement she hadn't been privy to, its chores had been assigned to her. Oh sure, the others would venture in if they were after a snack or a drink, but if she entered the room, they quickly made themselves scarce as though they feared she'd ask them to join in.
It didn't take long, however, for the room to become a sanctuary of sorts, seeing as she'd nearly be guaranteed to find herself alone in it. A sanctuary she desperately needed.
That evening she'd gone around the living area, collecting random dishes strewn about during the day, wet rag in hand to mop up the inevitable sticky spots left over from Mikey's pet while he sat transfixed to the television. She admonished him for the umpteenth time that Ice Cream Kitty was his responsibility, and for the umpteenth time, he cheerfully apologized. She sighed as she entered the kitchen with a pile of dirty dishes, knowing full well they'd have the conversation again tomorrow.
Crossing into the threshold of her new retreat, she exhaled deeply and finally allowed the smile she'd forced herself to wear all day to fade. It was easier, she had found, to act cheerful since they had arrived at her family's farm house. Doing otherwise led to uncomfortable confrontations. Ones she had since decided to avoid if at all possible.
It had started with Donnie. Of course, it had started with Donnie. Seeing her upset was just something he couldn't tolerate. She knew, really knew, it was because he cared for her deeply. Unfortunately, being who he was, that meant he had to fix the problem. She was sad, ergo broken, and so needed to be fixed. The biggest obstacle to his success being, there was nothing he could do. She wasn't a broken radiator or a toaster on the blitz or the motley pieces of a shattered Kraang bot. There was nothing he, or anyone, could do to reclaim their home, help Leo, bring back Splinter…or her father. Her father for the third time…
But Donnie talked a big game. Made all sorts of promises. Rambled on about all kinds of possible solutions. And, to be fair, he normally came through on those promises. After all, he had said he'd restore her father after his mutation and he, against all odds, had managed to do so. What irked her was the fact that he had made this vow without knowing for sure whether or not he could deliver. And, just like now, he did so in order to fix her mental state. As though experiencing any sort of negative emotion wasn't allowed.
April scrubbed the dish in her hand harder than necessary out of frustration.
All she wanted to do was feel miserable. Wasn't there plenty of cause for that in their lives right now? And as much as Donnie had yearned for any physical interaction between the two of them, he missed probably the best opportunity in his life because all she wanted to do was cry and be held. She would have let him be that person, if he'd allowed it.
She chuckled sadly to herself at the irony of it all.
Instead, he went on and on trying to improve her attitude while she stared at him, dumbfounded at his optimism. Honestly, she understood this was his way of coping. There was a situation and the situation should be resolved, and hell if he wasn't going to be the one to figure out how. But if she could see that this is what he needed, why couldn't he see what she needed? Her lack of response must have disturbed him because he had eventually stopped in the middle of his ramblings, looked at her seriously and said, "April, it's going to be okay. I promise."
After her continued silence didn't seem to clue him in, it became very clear the only thing she could do to make it all end. So she put on the most genuine smile she could muster and agreed with him that yes, everything was going to be just fine.
But at least he was more tolerable than Casey, she recalled, placing another plate in the drying rack.
Casey's coping mechanism was by far the most infuriating. He had decided to live in a constant state of denial. The one time she saw him crack at all was when they were pulling out of New York. After that, it was his usual level of buffoonery. She had tried to talk to him once or twice about his family. To his credit, she'd notice him briefly contemplate the possibility of opening up to her when she had done so, but he clearly didn't know how to handle such a heavy conversation and so would opt to change the subject instead. Hell, if anything he seemed to focus on the positive, constantly going on about how he didn't have to worry about school anymore.
Logically, she knew she had no right to tell him how to deal with sorrow, so she bore it best she could. Unfortunately, things came to a head one day on a trip to the grocery store, the two of them alone in the van. She had been particularly quiet on the way there, despite his best efforts to engage her in conversation.
"What's eating you, Red?" he finally asked.
She turned from her contemplative gaze out the window and gave him an incredulous glare. "What's eating me?" she returned. "Do I honestly have to list it out for you? Y'know, sometimes I think you might as well be living on another planet as oblivious as you come off sometimes."
He screwed his face into a grimace. "I ain't stupid, Red. So I'm not acting like it's the end of the world. Is that what you want? Is acting miserable going to get us anywhere?"
"Well, acting like everything is peachy isn't getting us anywhere either," she retorted, sharply.
They had spent the remainder of the trip in silence, until pulling up to the store. She had expected it to continue, after stepping out of the van, but instead found herself face to face with him. Wordlessly, he had pulled her into an embrace and she hadn't resisted. In fact, she thought for a moment that maybe she had him all wrong. Maybe he did understand. But, just as she was about to allow herself to break down, she heard him say, "It's going to be okay, Red. You'll see." And he pulled back, searching her face expectantly and she gave him what he wanted and smiled as brightly as she could manage.
But it wasn't until she had a facedown with Mikey did she realize she really had a problem. She nearly dropped the glass she was polishing, recalling her gut reaction that day. How cruel and uncharacteristic it was of her and once again uttered a quiet thank you that he had been oblivious to it.
Despite his faults, Mikey had an understanding about people and what they needed on an instinctual level, so she felt more comfortable putting her guard down around him than anyone else. He kept a cheery demeanor but didn't seem inclined to force it upon her. So despite his unrelenting perkiness, she had been ironically preferring his company these days.
One night, she had found a quiet moment of solitude in front of the fireplace after everyone else had gone to bed. She watched the flames hypnotically, feeling devoid of all emotion and wondering if that was a step in the right or wrong direction, when she heard someone descending the stairs. She braced herself for whatever interaction was about to be forced upon her and was relieved to see it was Mikey.
He sat next to her knowingly with a warm smile that she found impossible not to genuinely return, despite her mood. Leaning her head on his shoulder, she was somewhat content for what felt like the first time in a long time, to have someone there that would allow her just to be. But then he had to speak.
"I've been worried about you, April," he admitted and she immediately regretted letting her guard down around him. Of course he was; she hadn't any energy left to act otherwise around him between the front she was putting on for Donnie and Casey.
"You know everything's going to be okay?" he continued earnestly. "You know that, right?"
She looked at him and saw a face as hopeful as if he were waiting for Christmas morning. Donnie and Casey needed to say it was okay to cope, but she knew they were as doubtful as her underneath it all. Mikey believed it with all of his being. And he wanted her to regurgitate it to him on top of it all. And she could have slapped him right then and there for his naiveté. Slapped some sense right into him.
She didn't, of course, and quickly wondered if anything in her face betrayed her. To cover quickly, she hugged him tightly and told him exactly what he wanted to hear. That, yes, everything would turn out. That she was sure Leo would wake up any day now.
"And he'll know what to do," Michelangelo chimed in brightly. "He always does."
After that, she knew she had to put on a face for Mikey as well. So she smiled. And giggled. And put on a good show for everyone. It was absolutely exhausting. But here, in the kitchen, she could let go of the façade.
And she did. Frequently.
She found her hands still deep in the dish water, despite the chore being done, because she knew she couldn't leave yet. Not until she had gotten herself together. It wasn't the first time she had found herself openly sobbing in front of the sink without even realizing she had begun crying.
Without warning the door suddenly swung open and in walked Raphael.
The only person she really hadn't had a confrontation with was Raph, she realized, draining the sink. And…well, Raph was Raph. He had been avoiding everyone even more than usual, her included. And since she wanted pretty much the same thing, they hadn't had much to do with one another. Of all of them, the most socially impaired of the bunch was the only one not driving her crazy.
She rubbed her eyes quickly with the back of her hands, even though she knew it was pretty obvious what she'd been doing. She could feel him staring at the back of her head.
He stood still for a moment and she knew he was trying to decide what he should do. She wished he'd just pretend she wasn't there or that nothing was amiss, get whatever he was after, and leave. He went to the fridge, grabbed a soda, and she thought she was going to luck out before he turned around and put a hand on her shoulder.
"Listen, April," he began. "It's-"
"Don't you do it!" she snapped, pulling her shoulder away from him. "Don't you dare! I swear to God if one more person tells me 'it's going to be okay' I will scream! It's not okay! None of this is okay!"
"What the hell are you angry at me about it for?" he barked. "You don't think I know what's going on? I know it's not okay!"
"Well, maybe you should share the information with the others," she snarked bitterly. "They don't seem to be aware."
"I HAVE!" he boomed. "Jesus, April! You think I don't know my brothers? Think I've never been in this situation before? I thought…I thought for sure this time, with all the shit that's gone down…that even they..." he faded off unable to find the words he needed to express his frustration.
She turned to face him and found herself torn between being apologetic or continuing to rail on him. He hadn't done anything to warrant it, but it felt good to take all this pent up frustration that she was forced to keep buried out on someone. Someone that could take it.
Before she could make a decision, his face hardened once again, returning to the emotional state he understood best. "Leo's upstairs right now! How can they – How dare they act like it's all going to be fine!"
And that broke her. Seeing him go through the same thing she was. April reached out to comfort him, only to have him pull away from her this time.
"And didn't you just tell me the other night the same damn thing? 'Leo's going to be okay'. Wasn't that what you said?" he demanded.
Her hand dropped and her eyes widened in realization. Her mouth opened and closed lamely in search of providing some sort of explanation. But nothing came out. She had nothing.
"Forget it," he barked, waving her away and exiting the room.
She stared dumbly in front of her at the place where he previously stood, trying to figure out what had happened. How had she become the very thing that had been driving her insane?
April dried her hands quickly and dashed out of the kitchen. She found the others sitting in front of the TV, all except Raph. All of them oblivious to what was going on.
Both Casey and Donnie made room on the couch for her and began a stare down to see whom she'd grace with her presence.
"Wanna play winner?" Mikey happily offered her, waving the game controller in his hand.
She knew where to find Raph. Part of her thought maybe it was best to let it go. Leave him alone. She had clearly bothered him enough. But the part wanting resolution won out.
"I'm going to go check up on Leo first," she answered.
Slowly she ascended the steps, trying to piece together what she'd say. What she'd want to hear. But anything she came up with felt woefully inadequate.
Cautiously she entered the bathroom. Sure enough, Raph was sitting there ever-vigilant over his brother, soda can in hand.
"Listen, Raph," she tried, pulling at her fingers nervously, but he cut in before she got anywhere.
"Don't worry about it. 'S fine. I'm sorry," he stated in a cold monotone.
She realized he didn't even know if he was the one that was supposed to be apologizing or not, that he was just covering all the bases. Anything to get her to leave. And she nearly did, her hand on the door to walk out, but abruptly changed her mind and closed it behind her instead.
He screwed his eyes shut and took a deep breath and she knew that this was the last thing he wanted at the moment, but hoped she was making the right decision anyway.
She positioned herself in a crouching position in front of him. "Raph, look at me," she implored. He opened his eyes mechanically, seemingly more to get it over with than anything, and it brought her back to everything she'd been enduring in recent days. "I'm so, so sorry," she offered as sincerely as possible.
"Yeah. Okay. Thanks," he returned blankly.
"And you need to know," she continued. "That I get it. I really do."
His eyes focused on her then, searching her face skeptically. He took another chug from the can, unable to come up with a response. But at least he was really looking at her now and hadn't completely dismissed the notion as impossible. She thought that was the best she was going to get at the moment, but still something made her linger. She turned to the tub.
"How's he doing?" she asked.
"Oh, you know, the same," he replied, seeming to appreciate the change of conversation, an appreciation that was brief. "He's always the same," he repeated and his voice cracked.
April looked to him immediately and saw his eyes glazing over. Without a second thought, she threw her arms around him. "It's not okay," she choked. A moment later he was holding her as well and they both cried unabashedly into one another until they had nothing left.
She wasn't sure how much time had passed, but they had both found themselves sitting against the bathroom wall side by side afterward. She hated to admit that she felt better. It felt like a betrayal of some sort to the feelings she'd been harboring.
Raphael nudged her in the knee with his soda can, embarrassment keeping him from looking at her. She accepted the offer and took a sip from it. "Don't worry, tough guy," she bumped him with her shoulder. "I won't tell anyone if you don't."
She got a half smile out of him with that and thought maybe she could sit in peace for a change, when she heard Casey bellow for her from downstairs.
"AAAAPRIL!" he called. "Watch me kick Donnie's ass at this game!" And with that she could already hear the bickering begin.
"Oh my god," she breathed, looking at Raph.
"Hey, don't look at me," he chuckled. "You're the one willing to put up with them."
"I'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE!" she yelled back, then sighed, "Can't even get a moments peace."
"Now you know why I spend all my time up here."
"Oh, really," she replied knowingly. "I thought you were here for him." April nodded at the tub.
"For that yahoo?" he scoffed. "Nah. He's just being difficult. It's his hobby."
"All the same, I wish he were awake. He'd be a welcome relief to – to that," she nodded to the bathroom door as they heard the argument downstairs getting louder.
Raphael gave her an incredulous look. "You're joking, right? You think he's any better?"
"Well…yeah," she stammered. "Leo'd have to be. He'd know the score. He's realistic like that."
In his best impression of Leo's favorite cartoon character Raph said, "With enough determination, we can accomplish anything" and finished it with a mocking salute.
April spit out the soda in her mouth. "Look what you made me do!" she chastised him, though it wasn't very effective with her still laughing. The fact that he had joined in didn't help and she realized it was the first time she'd genuinely laughed in a long while, and probably was for him as well.
"What's all that determination getting you now?" Raphael directed at Leo, who was predictably silent. "That's what I thought, asshole." He turned to April and smiled widely. "I win all the arguments now."
She giggled until they heard something crash downstairs.
"For God's sake." She rose to her feet, before turning back to Raphael. "Don't make me go down there alone, please," she implored.
"Yeah, alright," he agreed, rising to his feet. "Hey, idiots!" he shouted down, upon opening the door. "Knock it off!"
April gave Leo one last look, knelt down and whispered. "Come back to us, okay? We all need you. Especially Raph. …Don't tell him I told you that though." She kissed the top of his head and followed Raphael downstairs, feeling more equipped to deal with what lay ahead. At least for the day-
