Chapter 2

I can do this. I can do this. I can read his letter and he won't be dead. He can't be dead. He can't be dead.

Stephanie........Babe. I know you argued with Tank because you didn't want to read this letter.

Damn, how did he know that?

I know, Babe, because you never disappoint.

Oh, that.

My reasons for writing are selfish because if it comes down to it, the only way I can die in peace -- not without regret -- but in peace is to tell you that I love you with all my heart and have for a very long time.

Major hit. Right up front. Oh God! I can't do this. He loves me. Loved me. No!! Loves me.

I'm not sick enough to enjoy it, but I am very good at what I do. In the army, I could chalk up my actions to following orders. After the army, when I became a mercenary, the decisions on how to use my skills were my own responsibility. It was never pretty. I did it for the money. A lot of money. And I liked being good at it -- I wasn't strong enough to stop.

Ranger, there's so much more to you than that.

I scare the crap out of most people including and especially my own employees. I cultivate it. It serves my purposes.

No shit.

The men who know me best, Lester, Cal, Bobby, Hal, fear me the most because they have watched me work and know what I am capable of doing. When it's vital to the success of my assignment, I can kill or torture without regard for age or gender. They have seen me. Ask them.

Then you came along. No matter what I did I couldn't scare you, although you sure as hell scared me. You crawled inside me and made me hot and cold and nuts and tender. I can fix this I told myself. I'll fuck her and be done with it. One night. Mission accomplished. Only it wasn't that easy. Being with you was like giving salt water to a thirsty man. Mission FUBAR. Operative neutralized.

Ranger, why are you telling me this?

I'm telling you this because I need you to understand why I held you at arm's length even while I stole as many kisses as I could. "My life doesn't lend itself to relationships" -- that was so much crap. "You're safer if you're not with me" -- pointless after Scrog. "My love doesn't come with a ring" -- maybe not, but it is unending. Violence has governed my life. I kept my distance because I hated the thought that your light might be dimmed by my darkness. I did the only thing I could think of to keep you from being sucked into my black hole. I sent you back to the cop.

I have hated Morelli. Whenever you were together and in his bed it made me physically ill. I always wanted to rip him apart and, even though he thinks he can take me, believe me he wouldn't have a prayer. At the same time I'm grateful to him. In a way we've been a team. I used my skills and assets as well as my willingness to work beyond the law to keep you safe from the crazies and he kept you safe from me. I just never realized how much that partnership was going to cost me.

Maybe I do, Ranger, maybe it cost both of us.

You want to know what was different about this mission.

Monumental understatement. You bet I do.

This was the last one.

What?

Steph had been reading silently but now she gasped and cried out. "Tank, did you know this was his last mission?"

I didn't, not for sure. "No. Suspected though. He took the call in his office. Door was shut, but we all could tell it got pretty heated."

She fumed to herself, "Why couldn't he come home from his last fucking mission?"

I didn't have an answer for that. She went back to reading.

My contract is up. I declined to renew. They weren't happy. In my line of work, death is always a possibility. Like I said, I'm talented, but I've also been lucky more times than I like to admit. The last year or so I've felt the odds on living were shorter each time I went out. I told myself I was getting superstitious or maybe just old, but the truth is -- now I cared about coming back.

Because of me?

You were here.

Because of me.

Even though you weren't mine and never would be, I could be near you. Watch over you. I could marvel when you called me Batman and hope you never discovered how far that was from the truth.

You'll always be Batman.

My plan if I got back was even more selfish than this letter. You wouldn't have read this and learned who I am. I was going to do everything in my power to make you mine forever. I swear, even coming back and finding you married to the cop wouldn't have stopped me. You see I'm not changed, just disguised. The powers that be apparently aren't happy with my choices, they wouldn't let it happen.

There are legal ramifications connected with my death, but I don't care much about them now. Tank and my lawyer will explain all that to you. Tank is a good man. He, of all the guys, is not afraid of me. He says it's because he could squash me like a bug. He tells me what he thinks, never what he thinks I want to hear. That's why I've always trusted him to have my back and that's why you can trust him.

Find someone to fly with you. I'm sorry it won't be me. Just know that you own my heart and you are the only soul I have.

My love, my Babe,

Ranger

She had finished. Her body jerked against me as she tried to control another round of sobs. After a few minutes she said, "Ranger says you're not afraid of him."

"Look at me, Steph, that's because I could squash him like a bug."

She actually laughed. I took it as a good sign, but then, in a voice so soft that I could hardly hear her she said, "Ranger says he loves me."

"Wherever he is, Steph, I know Ranger loves you. Everybody knew that Ranger loved you."

"Everybody knew?"

"Seemed like you and he were the only ones who didn't."

She cried herself to sleep in my arms.