Note: I do not own OUAT.
Also: THANK YOU to all who are leaving feedback on this! I am so glad it's causing laughter and the like.
Characters in this chapter: Emma, David, Snow, Henry, Hook and Regina. (GOLD in BONUS) Mentioned: Gold, Bookworm.
Season Two; after episode 21.
If the season by season is enjoyed enough, I might think on doing an episode by episode (or every two or so on episodes) fanfic of drunk Regina. It really is a lot of fun to write out.
Regina had torn the place apart in order to find three bottles of whiskey, which were completely full the second she locked her sights on them. The Snowing family had no idea how to treat their booze. Not to worry; Regina thought, she could take care of the bottles for them, show them exactly what leaving good stuff like this around gets them.
Only to find out, it tasted like shit. Clearly not a top shelf brand, but she downed it anyway.
She pushed herself off of the floor and plopped herself onto the couch, belly first. She clung onto the third bottle and brought it to her lips, taking a few swigs before the door opened and she groaned. "It's about time, I need more whiskey!"
"Oh God, no. Regina this is not the time." Emma stated, striding over to the stairs and putting her head in her hands. Clearly remembering the last binge the former Evil Queen went on.
"Not the time for?" Snow had strode in just in time to catch the last bit. "Emma what's wrong?"
The blonde looked up at her mother as her father entered the room, a look of concern on his features the second he caught a glimpse of his daughter's tear stained face. "Neal is dead. I don't know how to tell Henry."
"Have you two..four..." Regina glanced up over the back of the sofa, her eyes squinting as she tried to make out the figures in the room. "Seen Gold?"
"Regina, Emma needs us right now, do you mind?" Charming held a hand up to try and give her the hint to be quiet.
"Of course Emma needs you both, Snowfluff and Charmingless. But no, forget the girl who was TORTURED for hours on end by some device I've never even heard of and let me tell you it wasn't by the hands of that delicious imp. If it were I would be practically dripping right now."
"What?" Snow's mouth fell open in shock at the words she was hearing.
"She's apparently some sort of sexually eager Dark One fangirl when she's drunk." Emma sighed, pushing herself onto her feet then striding up to her parents. "Why did you two keep booze in the house anyway? Especially with her here?"
"We weren't aware she had a problem." David admitted. Although by the look Snow had shot him, it made Emma think differently.
"Oh I have a problem, alright." Regina wedged the bottle between the cushions and her arm as her hands pulled and pushed herself along the couch, still on her stomach, her legs sliding open as she reveled in the sensation the action was doing to her frame. "It's that damn imp and the one who literally can't remember her name. You know he did that to me once. Fucked me so good I couldn't remember my name. Hell, I was a bumbling mess that night, I even gave a peasant a flower. A FUCKING FLOWER. The Evil Queen bestowing such a gift on someone so undeserving and youuuuuuu" She rolled over then, gripping the bottle and putting it between her legs. "Snowfluff, you were their favorite. They loveeeed you. They adoreeedd you and what did I get? The best fucking sex of my life. I bet Charmingless over here even wants the dark one. He's made deals with him, I know that for a fact. Yes, I do. And no one goes through life without that need,that burning-"
"Regina, I'm cutting you off." David began walking towards the couch when he stopped at the sight of a fireball floating high in the air as the mayor shot him a glare that all but sent cold water along his frame.
"Try it and you'll find out how it feels to have a bottle rammed so far up your ass, you won't be able to get it out."
"That's a little harsh." Emma stated, trying to shake the disturbing image out of her head.
"Harsh? You want harsh, Savior?" Regina staggered to her feet, hand clutching the bottle as if it could keep her steady. "Harsh is when you keep someone trapped then they get out. THEN they take your imp and make him into some bumbling softy even if he did talk Snow into killing my mother..." She hiccuped then, but regained her composure in a flash. "THEN said bookworm gets their memory erased by some fucking pirate who by the way is not worth trusting, he fucked me. Not really, but he did. He fucked me over in the cruelest of ways, it's his fault I was there. That I was on that table in that room and wait what was I saying?"
"Harsh" Emma answered, shaking her head and giving her parents an apologetic look.
"Right. My Mother is DEAD! All thanks to the girl who saved me. And don't think I don't know how you did it. Gold gave you my tear. I overheard you three talking when I was practically lobotomized."
"Yes, he did." Snow admitted, crossing her arms over her chest. "You should be happy that he was willing to help us."
"Help US!? No,no,nonononono. He helped me. Because he knows I needed him and he wouldn't give me the satisfaction of being tied up the second he came into that room. You know what he would have done? Do you know?"
"Oh boy." Emma sighed, turning on her heels and taking a seat on the stairs.
"I don't think I want to know." David said wanting more than anything to be excluded from this narrative.
"Emma knows. Emma knows exactly. He would have tortured me and touched me and oh boy, I would have beggged, I would have begged over and over again." Regina made her way past Snowing, giving them both a glare that could also be mistaken for lust before she settled herself beside Emma on the stairs, her head resting against the blondes shoulder. "And Emma, it would have been glorious. It would have been perfect. It would have been..." The noise she made reminded Emma of that cowardly lion trying to act tough in The Wizard Of Oz. "I need him. I need you three...four...to take me to him, like now. That bookworm turned tart of his is practically me. Getting wet over him being himself, his evil delicious self and ohhhh"
"Okay, that's enough. Henry will be here any second." Snow interjected, holding up.a hand in protest.
"Henry! Henry, I would love to see Henry. He looks like Gold and I, he does."
"No he doesn't. He's literally MY kid."
"Nope, he's mine and Gold's. He got him for me. IT was a gift. HE was a gift. Because he cares. And Emma, Emma, Emma.." She tapped the savior's shoulder once, twice, she lost count. "He loves me."
"Who? Henry or Gold?"
"They both do in their own ways." Regina was quick to answer before sliding her back against the savior and bringing the bottle to her lips. "They do and we can be a happy family. If it weren't for you meddling kids. Wait-" She held up a finger and giggled loud enough to wake the whole town. "-THATS SCOOBY DOO. Snowfluff can be Velma. Emma you can be the dog since you sniff around too much and Gold can be shaggy. Get it, get it" Regina thrust her elbow out, nudging nothing but air as she said her 'huh,huh,huhs' Then brought the bottle to her lips, draining the rest of the amber liquid inside. At that moment Henry entered the room and Regina shot up before anyone could stop her and went to him. Her hands dropping the bottle on her way and gripping him high on the arms, bending slightly she leveled her eyes with him. "Henry. Henry. I'm your Mom. You know that." The poor kid looked from Emma to Snowing and back to Regina, concern in his eyes. "And your dad is dead, Henry. He's gone and he's not coming back and you have to help me find Gold so we can be a family."
"What?"
"Darn it." Snow said, walking up behind Henry and pealing him out of Regina's grasp, "Let's talk about this upstairs, Henry."
"DAMN IT. Can you not say it Snowfluff? Goodness, it's just a word. Henry do you want some Whiskey? It always helps."
"REGINA! He's-he's a kid!" Emma screamed in protest, striding over to the brunette and giving her a stern look.
"But Emma. Emma." She turned to her then and began thrusting a finger in her direction. "He's hurting and he needs to feel good, so go run to the shops and get some whiskey and I'll drink enough for him and I so he doesn't have to taste the vile shit you three...four...five are pushing as alcohol."
"No. I'm not getting you alcohol, Regina. You need to stop. Go lay down on the couch or something."
"But Emmaaaaaaa" She whined, stomping her bare feet against the floor, having forgone shoes once more because the sensation her feet were currently having not being confined was relaxing. "I neeeed it." Snow hurried Henry upstairs to give him a very needed talk until Emma could go over the details with him. "I neeeed it so bad, you have no idea,I need it nowww."
Emma glared at her, mouth twitching at the ends. "No!"
"Then call Gold. He can help. He can help out in the hallway or on the sidewalk or in the alleyway, I don't care, I need it."
"Not happening." Emma turned but Regina gripped her arm and pulled her to her chest, hands running through the blondes hair in a messy manner meant to be comforting.
"Shh, shhh,shhh. There there, everything will be fine. You know, he is okay. He will be okay where he is because he's a good guy, Emma, he's good. Are you listening? Are you listening to me, Emma? Emma?" The blonde nodded, rolling her eyes. "Well, he's okay. And if he's not then you can drink and it will make you better. Make you feel better you know, Emma. it will and there is nothing like drinking, nothing at all like it. There's this one drink in another realm that they make, it's hard to get, Gold got it for me once and we drank it and let me tell you. It makes your clit feel like a carnival. That sounds strange, but it does and I have never wanted Gold to get tickets for that place more in my life right now. My vagina is on fire, Emma. It is and I need him to put it out, if you know what I mean. Put out the fire. With his hose."
"Oh God, Regina, please shut up." Emma begged, the mayor holding her face so tight against her chest that she could barely move her mouth.
David groaned painfully as he stood there, all but forgotten by the two of them until that moment. Regina turned with Emma still clutched to her chest tight, a smile tugging on her lips. "You like that don't you David? Have a taste for the imp, huh? I knew it. I pegged you for dark one the minute I saw you sending Snowfluff the google eyes."
"I think you mean google..y."
"Maybe but David, David...listen David." Pulling Emma with her, she walked up to him, eyes wide as a doe. "I need you to know that you have bad taste in alcohol but great taste in imps. He would rock your world. And let me talk to you about anal."
"Please don-"
"SHHH!" She spat in his direction, bringing herself and Emma closer to the towering man. "Have you ever followed a rabbit down a hole, David."
"I-"
"SHH!" She ran a hand lovingly through Emma's blonde hair, as if she were petting the sheriff. "Let me tell you he can. Gold can follow a rabbit down a hole as farrrrrrrr as you need and when he FINALLY gets close, you will never want anything more in your life, David and there's a wonderful feeling in being late late for a very important date, if you know what I mean."
"I really don't kno-"
"SHHH!" Her fingers gripped Emma's hair with passion, curling around the strands and tugging. She ignored the groan from the blonde and the look of confusion on David's face. "You can come to the tea party. If you bring me. Just know I get the seat first, I get the first taste of the tea."
"Regina, this is ridicu-"
"SHH!" She let go of the blonde, Emma pulling back and trying but failing to get her hair to settle against her head the way it was before. "Where was I?"
"The couch!" Emma groaned, thrusting her finger in the direction of the sofa.
"Right..." Regina purred, stepping over the broken glass on her way back to where she had been. Plopping down on her belly again, she began to push and pull herself along it once more, practically buzzing at the sensation. "...Every surface is Gold, you know. Every single surface. HE has the Midas touch. OH! Another reason you might like it, Charmingless..."
"I'm going to go up there and talk to Henry, you take care of her." Emma instructed as she began to ascend the staircase, the second she heard David try to protest she shot back "Oh no, I had to do this once, I'm not dealing with her again. Not to mention the last time I left her alone, she burnt down the entire police station."
"You know how Gold got that tear from me?" She all but purred while writhing against the cushions, ignoring Emma's statements.
"I really don't want to kno-"
"SHH!" Regina curled her toes as she remembered the moment. "He found out I was ticklish during one of our chained fiascos. He didn't let up until I was crying and then he fucked me so hard that they dried up. Dried right the fuck up but you know what wasn't dry, David? Do you, do you, do you David?"
"Regina, shut up."
"Oh you know." Lifting her head she tried then to wink in his direction, completely failing at the act.
/./
BONUS: On a boat!
Regina made her way shakily onto the deck, two bottles of rum in her hands. "You know, I never do Rum but on an occaision like this.." She hiccuped having spent a good hour below deck before resurfacing. "Rumple, Gold, my beautiful imp, my green man, my magical bean." Regina leaned against the side of the boat, swigging rum down her throat harder than she even cared to admit, imagining it as something completely different.
"Oh God! Really, Regina? You had to find his alcohol at a time like this?" Emma all but yelled out above the pouring rain and lashing waves.
"What better time? Gold is here. When he threatened captain guy liner hook for a hand, I couldn't deny the call of Rum. I had to find it and sure enough, guyliner had plenty on deck."
"We're on deck Regina. The rum wasn't up here."
"I know that, Emma!" She hissed, thrusting a jug of rum in Gold's direction. "Drink and be darkly?" Her own little twist on merry and she hoped he would catch on, only it didn't sound as suave to the others as it did to her, emboldened by the alcohol coursing through her frame. "Did you see how I held onto that rope, Gold? You remember me holding onto rope..don't you? I know exactly how to...tug and.." Her words were leaving her brain as she tried to remember what metaphor she was reaching. "Oh fuck it, we're all adults. I can jack you, dark one. I can jack you really hard on that very very large beanstalk of yours." Hadn't she intended on leaving the metaphors behind? Oh hell.
"I'm busy Regina." He groaned, trying to help with the ship on the churning ocean waters.
"I can see that, sweet dark prince but... I can be busy too." She downed the rest of one jug and tossed it overboard. "With my hands. Right Emma?" She turned to the blonde, a pleading look in her eyes. "Emma knows. She knows all about my time with the dark one. Or at least some of them. Tell him how much I like it in the hull or is it the stern? I'll take it anywhere!" She turned then and fell to her knees, thrusting the jug between her thighs and wrapped her arms around Gold's leg like a rope. "Emmaaaaaa, back me up, talk to him, tell him!"
"He can hear you, Regina! I don't have to-"
"SHH!" She hissed, a whine making it's way up her throat as she squeezed his leg in her embrace. "Tell him, tell him, Emma, Emma are you listening to me? Emma tell him. Tell him. Charmingless you tell him! We made that deal remember? The tea party."
"What?" Gold hissed, shooting David a confused look that also seemed like he was going to flay him alive.
"I-I-I have no idea what she's talking about." He quickly stammered.
"I can't believe we're here. And Belle is back in Storybrooke. That gives us time, dark prince. Sweet imp. Vile demon man."
"Get up, Regina." Gold begged, trying to shake her off of him only to feel her tighten her grip as her tongue shot out and slid up his pant leg. "Now."
"But but this is the time we have. That bookworm is awake now and you kissed her and I felt anger in my heart, Gold. I want to flay her, please please please let me Gold. Gold, gold,gold, dark prince, sweet man, devil prince." Her words were slurring as she nuzzled her face against the fabric of his trousers. "I've waited so long."
"Aye, alright, love." Killian reached down and began trying to wrench the mayor from the dark one's person. She kicked and screamed and began yelling in some language he couldn't understand. The second he got her free, he sat her down on the middle of the deck and gave her his best threatening glare.
"You think your guyliner stare can make me tremble? Huh, pirate?" She growled, eyes bright with rage at having been pulled from the object of her affection. She glanced around Hook to shoot Gold something that resembled lust, her tongue snaking out along her top lip, then focused her attention back to the pirate.
"How could you want that crocodile, aye? Plenty of fish in the sea, lass."
"Yes but he's the shark and I want him to devour me. Every single inch, I want those razor sharp teeth to dig into my.." She glanced again around Hook at her dark prince standing, hands wrapped around rope. "..tender and soft flesh.." Then bringing her gaze back to the pirate she hissed "And if you do anything like that again..your hand won't be the only appendage of yours to be replaced by a fucking hook!"
He stepped back at that, the sheer look of darkness building in her eyes caused him to shoot his hands up in protest. "At that, she is all yours." He glanced at Emma and Snowing.
"They can't handle me. The only one who can is-" A cloud of purple smoke engulfed her frame and eyesight, before she found herself tied to one of the wooden pillars. "YES! YES! I love being tied up."
Gold groaned, shaking his head as a smirk played on his lips. She needed to stay there until he could make his exit from the boat, to give everyone else something to look after while he set out on his own mission.
