Eight
His mother is dead...he didn't push the trigger, yes, but that doesn't change the fact that his mother, the leader of the resistance is dead...
He feels it…her life force suddenly dimming and with it…his pain, his guilt grow more. He can't quash the latter and he can't unfeel the former. Elation, the feeling of another win doesn't come...same as that time with Han, the man he can't call his father…not after what he had done.
.
Her son...Ben Solo is truly gone.
His hatred for her... for what he thought she had failed to do… is the only thing that remains.
Eyes closed, Leia feels her life force diminishing.
But then she feels it, the call to live…to right what her son had done wrong.
In a way, she is to blame.
She understands it now...her son can't be redeemed.
.
They…he has killed her. He has killed his father, and now his mother...Soon, he will kill his uncle too then Rey. He will do it.
He must. The only way to stop them thinking the worst about him...is to kill them.
.
She wonders if her son knows she's still alive.
No, she doesn't wonder anymore...She is dead to him.
Luke has just revealed that Ben probably thought he killed his uncle at the temple.
But Luke wasn't killed then. She isn't now.
But just like before...to Ben...no, to Kylo...that information that Luke then and her now is still alive is probably not important.
.
He killed his uncle Luke...
Only to find that his uncle is still alive after he had chosen the dark path...No! No! He did not choose...He was pushed down that path.
It was for his survival.
If he knew...that Luke was alive then...what could have he done differently?
What would the feeling of not having that guilt choking him done to him? What decision he could have done differently?
He will never know. Never.
.
If her son knows that she lives on...it will not change anything.
.
If his mother lived...If his hesitance has saved her…
If knowing that his decision to not push the button has resulted to something different ... maybe, it would have brought him a little bit closer to the light.
No! No! No! He screams. He's a monster...the guilt gnawing him will only stop when the resistance is crushed.
The resistance is more important than him to his mother.
She abandoned him to be murdered by his uncle.
She felt it—the darkness in him. She feared him...her own son.
And now she's dead.
Her son is dead too.
He has fully killed Ben Solo now.
.
There's no Ben Solo, only Kylo Ren
There's no going back...
No going back to Rey.
He must kill her too.
He must kill Rey.
He will do it. He will kill them all...all the people that he loves...Only then, will the voice in his head that keeps saying that he made the wrong decision, stop.
He will crush the remaining light in his soul once he kills Rey. He will then not feel this pain, the heaviness of this ongoing battle of indecision.
He will wipe the temptation to take Rey's hand.
Because if he gives in...how can he ever forgive himself?
He can't. He has gone too far.
He's a monster...that is his mask.
—o0o—
~12 22 17 AF P 12 24 17~
