Disclaimer- I don't own Lord of the Rings.

Longest update ever. Life got hard.

Enjoy! :)


"I don't understand," whined Galadriel. "Why do I have to carry the bags?"

Gandalf shrugged. "I'm an old man. My staff gets heavy. And you know as well as I do that Elrond's nails are still drying."

"I don't give a shit about your stupid nails!"

Elrond was horrified. "This nail polish was a gift from Arwen! Your own granddaughter! For shame!"

"Arwen didn't get me any..." pouted Galadriel.

"Guess she loves Daddy more."

"Not enough to stay with him!"

Elrond teared up and refused to talk to anyone for the two hours.

Frodo started skipping. "Where are we going again?"

"Frodo," growled Gandalf. "I've told you four times."

"For plot exposition, remember?"

Gandalf shrugged. "Who cares if the readers are confused? It doesn't affect my life."

A giant rock fell on Gandalf's face.

Bilbo tapped Frodo's shoulder. "I think..." he mumbled hoarsely. "The lady with the boobs..."

"As opposed to the lady without them?" grumbled Gandalf irritably, rubbing his sore nose.

"...she said to ask a policeman."

"What's a policeman?" asked Frodo.

"I'm a banana, darling, and I'd like you to eat me." replied Bilbo promptly.

"Yeah, okay...what's a policeman?"

Elrond, the only one who knew what a policeman was, was currently talking to himself and crying.

Gandalf walked up to a random person and hit them on the head with his staff. "Hello," he said shortly.

"What the hell?" yelled the annoyed and confused man. Frodo and Company were beginning to think this was the standard greeting for humans.

"What's a policeman?" asked Gandalf.

The man stared at him. "Are you a carnie?"

"Are you a dumbass?" replied Gandalf testily. "I've known hobbits with more brains then you!"

"I find that offensive!" added Frodo angrily, before Bibo tugged him away to show him the display of candy corn outside a shop window.

Galadriel glided gracefully up to the man. "What's your name, moronic mortal?"

He stared at her. "You're beautiful."

"I know. What the hell is your name?"

"Author McLazy." he said dreamily.

"Okay, Author. Now I want you to suck my dick."

"What?" said Gandalf, alarmed.

Elrond, who had just started to resurface, heard this line and collapsed into tears again. "That's my mother in law!" he wailed.

Galadriel shrugged. "Just wanted to see if it would work. Anyway...Author, what's a policeman?"

Author pointed to a large building conveniently located a couple of blocks from where they were. "Can I...?"

"Yes, darling?" said Galadriel patiently.

"Can I...have three strands of your hair?"

Galadriel's face hardened. "Not another one. How tall do you think this guy is?There's no way he's a distant descendent of Gimli, right?"

"Hey, guys?" said Frodo suddenly. "Where'd we leave the boat?"

There was a moment of silence.

"Shit." said Gandalf.


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