Random and senseless, as promised. Thank you to my awesome reviewers, ChangingbacktoBellamort500 and Qoheleth; you guys are awesome! Enjoy!

The class of Gryffindor fifth years filed into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, all wondering what exactly what this new teacher would be like. They had all seen her, sitting beside Professor Snape and holding the utensils with her feet more often than not; maybe not the best first impression. Now Professor Riddle was sitting atop her desk, sporting Muggle clothing and knee-high Slytherin socks and sipping tea.

"Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts," Professor Riddle announced, spreading her arms wide. "I'm Nagini, and when it's just us you're allowed to call me that; none of that Professor Riddle bullshit while we're in private, eh?" Unsure whether she was joking or not, the class remained silent.

"As you all know, Voldemort is back, his Death Eaters have returned, and because of this no one bothers to feed his snake anymore. Poor girl has to go out and hunt for herself."

Many had jumped at the mention of Voldemort's name. Now they glanced at one another, confused, as Nagini continued, "Today we're going to start with a little pop quiz. Don't worry, it's only 90% of your grade. You, boy - oooooh, you're Harry Potter! Awesome! Now pass these out."

Harry stood uncertainly and took the stack of papers Nagini pointed to. Still unsure what exactly he thought of this new professor, he began passing them out. She recognized Voldemort was back, yes, she even said his name . . . before going off in a completely random direction about the Dark Lord's snake. Harry finished passing out quizzes and returned to his desk.

"Start whenever you like," Nagini said. She leaned forward on the desk to peer creepily at everyone as they began looking over the quiz, which was several pages long.

What is your name?

What is your quest?

Do you get the reference?

What is it I am referencing?

What is the square root of -1?

How long, in centimeters, is Lucius Malfoy's hair?

What type of conditioner does Lucius Malfoy use on his hair?

What type of conditioner does Severus Snape use?

What is the average cost of a month's worth of conditioner?

Be creative. List ten uses for tampons which don't include the original use.

And it went on. And on. And on.

Hermione raised her hand.

"Yes, Miss . . .?"

"Granger, Professor. What does this have to do with Defense Against the Dark Arts?"

"Why, everything," Nagini replied. "Which question are you on?"

"I've finished it, but Professor -"

"Good job! Ten points to Gryffindor for finishing it first!" Nagini then realized that she was teaching a class of only Gryffindors, so unless someone from another House just happened to pop in and take the quiz, it would be a Gryffindor who finished first regardless. "Well, ten points to Slytherin and the . . . other houses too, I guess."

"Yes, but Professor, none of these questions relate to defense against the dark arts," Hermione continued, unperturbed.

"Don't be stupid, of course they do," Nagini snapped. "See here, page five, question sixty-nine, is 'what are Inferi?' That relates to the Dark Arts, doesn't it?"

"Yes, but-"

"Yes, Mr. Weasley?" For Ron had raised his hand.

"Isn't this giving Draco Malfoy a huge advantage?" Ron asked. "I mean, half the questions are about Lucius Malfoy's hair."

"Trust me, Draco Malfoy needs all the help he can get," Nagini said. "But if you would like me to send owls to all your parents asking about their hair products . . .?" Ron hurriedly shook his head and returned to the quiz.

It took another ten minutes until everyone finally finished the last question (Where does the Dark Lord get his legs waxed?).

"Alright. I've been told you studied Dark creatures in third year, but unfortunately Barty Crouch was unable to tell me what you learned last year. Even if I had managed to get hold of him, Bella . . . er, Bella wouldn't have . . . anyway. Who can tell me what you did last year?" A few hands shot up. "You, weird-looking one in the back?"

"Seamus Finnigan," Seamus said sourly. "We did curses and how to defend against them."

"I see. Did you study the Unforgivables?" There was a general nod of assent. Nagini grinned. "The trick with the Cruciatus is to scream. If you don't, they'll just draw it out, and you won't be feeling so good about your bravery when Severus runs out of numbing potions. That was one thing Barty Crouch never understood. What?" she asked; many of the students were staring at her in horror. No one raised their hands, so she shrugged. "Well, on with the lesson. Please take out your books. Yes, Miss Granger?"

"Which ones?"

"The Defense Against the Dark Arts ones. Why?"

"You made us get over thirty books, and most of them are fiction."

"I did? Let me see your reading list. No, wait, I've got my own." Nagini began to read it. "Fifty Shades of Grey - why did I assign that? - The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan; The Great Hunt by Robert Jordan; the . . . oh, damn, I made you all get the entire series. Forgot to say it was extra credit." Nagini jumped up and scrawled 'Extra Credit' across the board. "Write this down, kids."

Extra Credit

Write detailed Wheel of Time porn, preferably not with Rand. Lanfear bashing gets extra points.

Bring in a dead werewolf

Bring in a live werewolf

Bring in a half-transformed half-dead werewolf

The above three apply for Animagi too, but more points for a werewolf

"Got that, everyone?" Nagini asked cheerily. The entire class was glaring at her. "What?"

"That's sick," Harry said. "Werewolves are people too."

"They're more human than you!" someone shouted. Nagini looked nonplussed at that.

"Well yeah, of course werewolves are more human than me. I never was human. And no, Harry, actually werewolves aren't people. They're werewolves. They -"

"That doesn't mean they deserve to be treated worse than us!" Harry shouted. Ah, teenage angst.

"I . . . never said that."

"You literally just said to bring a dying werewolf to class for extra credit."

"I didn't say it, Mr. Potter, I wrote it. Ten points from Gryffindor for incorrect use of the word 'literally.'"

"Thanks, Harry," Hermione muttered.

"And werewolves taste good," Nagini said, as if that settled the matter. "Class dismissed."

"Dumbledore," Severus said pleadingly, "I understand you were charmed by Nagini's ability to pick her nose with her toe, but please don't try to do the same . . . Headmaster, you're wearing robes . . . oh god . . ."

This might become a multi-chapter fic if reviews tell me to do so, but only one or two more chapters. Reviews!