"Fuck." Hidan's alarm-clock was screaming at him. "Why the hell should I get up, hn?" he said into his pillow, punching the alarm off of his nightstand. But someone was hammering at his door.
"HIDAN-SAN!" Tobi yelled. "BREAKFAST TIME!~"
"Ugh. Just some shitty cereal and soy-" He sat up and opened his eyes completely, inhaling deeply, hardly daring to hope-
-and the scent of frying bacon and eggs and pancakes filled his nostrils and made his brain run in excited little circles. He tossed his blankets aside, thundering down the stairs in nothing but his pajama bottoms and rosary. Unsurprisingly, the long kitchen table was already occupied with hungry ninjas wolfing down vast amounts of breakfast items. Except, of course, Itachi didn't so much wolf down his food as poor cup after cup of coffee down his throat, accompanied by a bagel smeared with cream-cheese and topped with smoked salmon and capers.
"Morning, Hidan-sama!" Mitsuru trilled, already highly caffeinated. "Are you vegetarian today?"
"Vegetarianism can go fuck itself," he breathed, accepting a plate piled high with bacon, eggs, and pancakes.
"Coffee, tea, or orange juice?"
"COFFEE."
"Salt and pepper are already on the table. Tomatoes are in the bowl near Tobi and that big jug over there has the syrup."
No one even looked up as he sat down by Zetsu, carefully keeping his fingers and elbows away from the Grass Nin's personal bubble. "So. Kakuzu-sama and Hidan-sama are going to Kaze-no-Kuni today, ne?" Mitsuru wore a fresh blouse and broomstick skirt, a frilly apron on her person and a clipboard in one hand. She flipped through the sheets of paper on it, pursing her lips in concentration. "Deidara-sama and Tobi will be in Ocha-no-Kuni, Zetsu-sama in Mizu-no-Kuni, and Kisame-sama and Itachi-sama in... Beast Country? Hm. Haven't been there in years. All right, I've packed you all lunch. Itachi-sama, I've packed you plenty of carrot sticks. Hidan-sama? Remember to drink plenty of water. Zetsu-sama, there's a thermos in your bag with hot tea to warm you up. Mizu-no-Kuni is pretty cold this time of year. All right, is that everything?"
Feeling like a rather sheepish line of children being shunted off to school, the Akatsuki accepted the paper lunch-bags, each with their names written on them in different-colored Sharpie.
"Ooooh, pastrami." Deidara cooed, peeking into his bag. "How'd she know?"
"Ganbatte yo!!" Mitsuru called from the sink as they shuffled up the stairs. She hummed as she scrubbed busily, up to her elbow in scalding water.
"She's so friggin' domestic," Kisame muttered in awe as he closed the kitchen door behind him. "In any other country, she'd already be married off with a dozen brats and a farm." Kakuzu snorted.
"Somethin' funny, Kakuzu?" Deidara inquired acidly, casting a dark look over his shoulder at the Falls nin behind him.
"It sounded like derision." Itachi observed with a hint of poison in his voice. No one mocked the girl who introduced him to the wondrous powers of carrots.
"Don't get too attached to her," Kakuzu warned them grumpily. "She's got to be a shinobi somewhere near the rank of Tsunade-no-Sannin."
"Stop spewing your fucking bile." Hidan retorted, slinging his scythe over one shoulder as soon as they had escaped the cramped confines of the stairs. Deidara chortled while Tobi giggled. Even Zetsu had to crack a grin. That sweet little thing (smaller even than Deidara) was a great sage-ranked ninja? Hah. Maybe Kakuzu had been into the sake or something.
"Whatever. Just heed my words and when she starts talking like Martha Stewart? Just know that she's sixty years old."
Utter silence.
Kisame guffawed. "Or else she's got a bunch of extra organs stuffed inside her body, eh, Kakuzu?" he teased non-too-kindly.
"No. Really. Her application states her age as sixty. It's got her work-visa stamp on it, too. Utterly official."
Dead silence.
"Nooo..." Deidara gasped, horrified. "She's an old hag?"
"Mitchan is too cute! Please say it isn't so, Kakuzu-sama!" Tobi cried, hands flying up to his mask in dismay.
"I feel... unclean." Hidan choked, sagging against the wall. "Must... purge...."
"Oh suck it up. You've got to be at least twice that." Kakuzu spat at his partner. "Be more worried about her skills instead of her age."
"It is... unnerving." Itachi said even more stiffly than usual.
"Old ladies smell like lavender and vanilla?" The Akatsuki turned as one to stare at the Mist nin. "WHAT? So a man takes a healthy breath every now and then. What's the big deal?"
"She does smell really good. Good enough to eat."
It was amazing how well Mitsuru Nakata fit in with the Akatsuki. Kakuzu hadn't been able to hold onto a chef for more than two days and yet Mitsuru (affectionately called "Mitchan" by Tobi, no matter how old she was) had lasted a month and didn't seem to be going anywhere. In fact, she seemed to come to belong to the criminal organization in a bizarre way that no one could explain. It was like she had adopted them and though they were indignant at first (they were fully grown men, fer crissakes!), they finally realized that they truly had been feeling the lack of a female flower in their garden of male weeds.
Speaking of gardens....
Deidara, as the thoughtful young man he was, had overheard (-cougheaves-droppedcough-) Zetsu and Mitsuru talking about plants as it was Saturday, and therefore Zetsu's turn to be taste-tester. Mitsuru had expressed interest in planting a vegetable garden. There seemed to be no question on the part of any of the parties involved that Mitsuru would be working for them indefinitely.
"I definitely think that we should try growing bok choy," she said thoughtfully, stirring a big pitcher of gazpacho. "Ooooh, and leeks! And ginger. Or a whole oriental section and then some thyme and cilantro... you wouldn't believe what I can do with potatoes and chives. And basil jazzes up anything, especially when paired with tomatoes and then you put them together on toasted French bread rounds with some mozzarella.... What I wouldn't give for some calamansi,"
"You know a lot about herbs." Zetsu observed, accepting a tall glass of gazpacho laden heavily with salt and stirring it with a stick of celery.
"My mom used to garden a lot." Mitsuru said, sheepish at how she'd been rambling. "I've always had an interest in botany. I mean-" here she threw her head back and chortled. "-I even kept a venus flytrap when I was a kid. I caught gnats and flies for it and brought them home in a jar."
Deidara scowled enviously. Zetsu had gone oddly still and from his peep-hole in the wall behind the Grass Nin, Deidara saw Zetsu's leaves turn an odd shade of pink. "Dianaea Muscipula?" His black half said hoarsely.
"Why yes. I love carnivorous plants. I even had a Sundew once and it was happy enough to grow a stalk of little red flowers. But that year got a little too cold for it, I think. And I was living with my grandma and she didn't approve of pets, even if said pet was actually a plant."
"Many people think that carnivorous plants are creepy. Bordering on wrong, even." Zetsu said stiffly.
"Oh, I don't think so. Carnivorous plants are absolutely wonderful. Regular plants can be a bit boring sometimes, but Venus Flytraps especially are wondrous how they just snap down on things. A bit sexy, even."
Deidara was seeing red-- or maybe it was just how darkly Zetsu was blushing.
"Sixty-one... no way." It had become a bit of a mantra for Hidan. Much as he liked the impression of the majestic immortal that (he fancied) he gave off, the idea of someone looking so young and cute yet being over fifty disturbed him. It's not like he was a sexist, prejudiced, blood-thirsty young priest.
No one needed to know that he was really only twenty-two, right?
RIGHT?
So maybe Mitsuru had lied on her application. It didn't really seem like she'd do something like that, but he could sense a little kitsune-like aura beneath the sugar and dimples. The only way to find out if she was really a sage-ranked ninja was to see what she could survive. There were other less-dangerous ways of course-- like simply asking her-- but he was going through a vegan phase and his brain was too starved of protein to really be too clever. What he needed was someone else on his side. And he knew just the impressionable young man to help him.
"Psst! Hey, you!" Deidara was instinctively wary of people who hid in dark corners and said that. Especially if they were men, wore dark cloaks, and followed up their initial hailing with, "I've got some candy for you if you come over here!" Though the one who spoke was a man and wearing a dark cloak, there was no mention of candy so Deidara decided it was perfectly all right.
"What?" he said grumpily, joining said man-- Hidan-- in said dark corner. "Ore wa 'Hey, you!' ja nai yo. Deidara desu."
"Whatever. I want you to blow up the kitchen. With the wench in it."
Deidara stared, dumbstruck, at the madman before him. "YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?"
"SHHH! STFU, n00b! Not so loud!" Hidan glanced around shiftily as if someone with a chainsaw would suddenly drop from the ceiling. "I wanna make sure that that chick really is a sennin."
"I'd kill her if I blew up the kitchen, un!" Deidara hissed, lowering his voice. He suddenly stopped, pierced by a horrible thought. "There wouldn't be anymore home-made chocolate chip cookies!"
"Forget your girly cookies for one fucking moment. If she's a sage, she won't die and you'll get to keep those fucking cookies."
"What if she's not a sage, yeah? Are you insane?!?!"
"Stfu. She'll be fine."
"Oh, my gawd. Is that chatspeak?
"Wtf is chtspk?"
"You're unhinged, un. Crazy. Mad, mad I say! Oh...wait. It's Wednesday, innit?" Deidara thought a moment. Hidan could almost see the cogs grinding to a halt in Deidara's brain under his blond mop. "When was the last time I blew anything up?"
"How the fuck should I kn-... Saturday." Hidan whispered. "You wanna blow somethin' up? Blow up the kitchen. The wench'll be fine. Do you think a little girl could make your pansy-assed cookies all nice and gooey? No. They're grandma cookies. She probably soaks herself in formaldehyde every night and sleeps in a freezer like a vampire."
Hah. Impressionable young people were so easy to mold. Especially when they were also blond idiots.
"I'm just blowing up the stove, yeah." Deidara cautioned. "I'm not touching the oven because-"
"Yeah, yeah, that's where the cookies come from. Just hurry it up."
A little clay spider sat upside-down on the ceiling. It made little spasmodic scuttling motions towards the cooking-range before breaking into an eight-legged run when Mitsuru's back was turned.
"Hurry up!" Hidan and Deidara had concealed themselves in the doorway, watching the girl mix up a large batch of Japanese-style curry croquettes. Or, to some people, "Kare korokke". Deidara shook his head.
"I like croquettes." he said petulantly. Hidan smacked him upside the head.
"Grandma croquettes, that's what they fucking are! They stink of formaldehyde and Old Spice!"
"They smell like curry." Deidara muttered mulishly. Nonetheless, he made shooing motions at his spider on the ceiling and it scuttled down the wall and behind the range. "Okay. 3...2... WAIT!"
"WHAT?" Deidara's exclamation had almost given Hidan a heart-attack in the tense atmosphere.
"She's humming Three Days Grace."
"Wtf does that mean?"
"It means she's a goddess." Deidara said dreamily. Hidan's face turned red. He took a deep, deep breath, drawing back his foot-
"KATSU!" He timed his bellow with his heel connecting with Deidara's backside. Deidara squawked and lurched forward just in time to be blown straight back into Hidan from the force of his explosion. The two ninjas rolled ten feet further, their secret passage having been blown open. Deidara struggled upright, gave Hidan a hearty kick, and then ran out into the kitchen to survey the results.
The hot oil Mitsuru had used to fry the croquettes in had caught fire and added a second explosion to Deidara's little C1. The ceiling and walls were black and the stove was nonexistent. A twisted mass of metal was all there was to show where it had been.
There was neither hide nor hair of the girl.
"HIDAN!" Deidara screeched, rounding on the other blond just shambling out of the passageway. His eyebrows had been blown clean off. What he was about to say was drowned out by another voice.
"MITCHAN NOOOOOOOO!" Tobi screamed in utter horror, the octave he used far above even what dogs could hear. There was a thundering as four other pairs of feet came crashing down the stairs.
"What the fuck?" Kisame stared aghast at the ruined kitchen and the wreckage of what had once been dinner preparations.
"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?" Kakuzu pushed past the other Akatsuki members,livid with rage. "WHO DID THIS?" Deidara pointed mutely to Hidan. The Jashinist flipped the artist The Bird.
"But what about Mitchan?" Tobi sobbed hysterically. "So talented, so very cute-"
A cough.
They all looked up.
Mitsuru blinked down at them from the ceiling. She looked like one of the Dust Sprites from My Neighbor Totoro. She stood with her feet glued to the ceiling with chakra, the oven door held as protection from the explosion.
"Ano... Kakuzu-sama? I think you have a gas-leak." She said after a few minutes silence. Her braided pigtails were stiff with soot and her once sky-blue dress was pitch-black. Faint disappointment greeted the fact that she was wearing black shorts beneath her skirts.
"You're on the ceiling." Hidan said somewhat stupidly. That just proved his theory!
"Hn? I don't think anywhere else would be any safer, Hidan-sama." Mitsuru bobbed her head politely. She hopped down with the grace of a ninja. "I'm so sorry, Kakuzu-sama. I didn't notice there was a gas-leak until it... well... blew up."
"Who are you exactly?" Kakuzu demanded. Tobi lunged forward with a squeal and enveloped Mitsuru in a very heartfelt hug.
"Mitsuru Nakata, Kakuzu-sama. I'm from Los Angeles." Mitsuru answered as she was lifted off of her feet.
"How old are you?"
"Hn? Oh... I'm sorry..." She blushed with shame. "I lied on my application..."
"SEE? FORMALDEHYDE GRANDMA COOKIES!" Hidan screeched, pointing dramatically at the sooty girl.
"I beg your pardon?" She asked politely.
"Hidan-san, you're so rude to Mitchan!" Tobi cried, finally setting the girl down on her feet.
"You get crazier every year, I swear." Kisame sighed, bemused. His partner said nothing.
"I'm sorry. I'm actually fifteen." Mitsuru bowed her head in expectation of the cruel judgment of the silent room.
"Fifteen?"
"I can't get a legal work-permit until I'm sixteen!" Mitsuru cried, still with her head down. "I am very sorry for lying!"
"But... your application says that you're sixty, yeah." They all turned to stare at Deidara. "Kakuzu's got it."
"REEEEH?" Mitsuru gasped, eyes huge. "Oh no! I meant to write '16', not '60'! I am very sorry! Japanese is my second language." She sank into a very, very deep bow.
"No wonder Mitchan is so cute!" Tobi gasped as if that cleared up every single mystery in the world. "Mitchan is still a high-schooler!" At the words "high-schooler", Deidara had to forcibly banish all of his favorite manga titles from his head before the inevitable nosebleed started. Mitchan blushed a bright red.
"And I used to babysit for a ninja family back home. I picked up a few tricks. I'm so very sorry about dinner. I don't know when the kitchen will be usable again, so you may want to order takeout."
"Chinese!" Deidara crowed.
"But Hidan-sama is-"
"Whatever." Hidan muttered, dazed and giving in to his craving for protein. "Let's order a Meat-Lover's from Pizza Hut."
"Hey, Papa John's is better!" Kisame argued.
"Dominoes." Zetsu and Itachi put in their two cents.
"Chinese is cheaper." Kakuzu objected.
"Umm... I've had good luck with the Golden Skewer." Mitsuru said meekly. "Always fast, fresh, and lot's of it. Good prices, too."
And because some strange, tiny part of Hidan and Deidara felt guilty, they both chorused sagely, "Golden Skewer it is."
A/N: If there's anything in particular you'd like to have happen, please let me know. I love commetns and suggestions.
