When Will I See You Again?
Chapter Two
"A baby? Are you sure?" Adam frowned. "Is it safe? Will it be alright?"
Ben wanted to reassure his son, to pacify him – but knew he could not lie. Both boys had lived with the dreadful reality of the stillbirth and they were still adjusting to the aftermath. "We have to hope and pray," he said. "And help Marie all we can."
"I don't want another baby!" Hoss howled. "I don't want Mama to be sad again!"
Nothing anyone could say or do would reconcile him to the prospect of a new baby arriving before Christmas. Marie tried to involve him in preparations and told him how much she would need his help, but Hoss could not stand the thought of seeing his beloved mother being hurt again so badly. In vain, Adam tried to involve him, asking for his help to make a new cradle but Hoss resolutely refused to have anything to do with the new baby.
"Don't see why we need a stupid baby!" he proclaimed stubbornly one autumn evening and then stumped off to prepare for the school Halloween recital.
"Don't worry, he'll come around!" Ben soothed, noticing the anxious look on Marie's face and the way she clutched her stomach protectively.
"It's not Hoss I'm worried about!" The words hissed out between her lips. "It's the baby – it's coming!" She grabbed onto his arm for support, her nails digging painfully into his flesh.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes! I'm perfectly sure!" Marie yelled, wondering why men felt compelled to ask such stupid questions at the most inappropriate times.
Ben gulped hard, and then yelled for Adam. "Go get Doc Martin – and hurry! Tell him the baby's coming!"
Adam looked at his stepmother, who was clinging onto Ben, her face as white as paper. "But it's too early," he protested.
"Try telling that to your little brother or sister!" Ben informed him tersely. "Now ride into town!"
Adam nodded grimly, clapped on his hat and raced out to the barn, while Hop Sing rushed upstairs and returned, clutching Hoss in a firm grip.
"Need help in the kitchen," he announced blandly, ignoring Hoss' protests and Ben nodded his appreciation as Marie endured another burst of pain.
The brain refuses to allow us to recall pain in the abstract – but once it returns, its exact nature is unmistakeable, prompting instant recognition. "I'd forgotten how much this hurts," Marie forced out between gritted teeth, knowing that much worse was to come. Now she remembered just how badly it hurt and remembered all too clearly how the pain would build to a sustained crescendo.
"I know," Ben soothed rubbing her back.
"How can you possibly know – you're a man!" she retorted, pushing his hand away. "And don't do that – it's annoying!"
"I was only trying to help," Ben said meekly and then wisely decided not to push matters any further. Slowly, supporting her with his arm around her waist, they went upstairs.
"It's too early!" Marie moaned. "Ben – the baby is coming far too soon. I couldn't bear it if anything happened to this baby too. Please Ben, don't let anything happen to my baby."
"Everything will be fine," he assured her, with a certainty he did not feel. Prayers from childhood circled around in his head.
"Thou that sitteth on the right hand of the Father, have mercy upon us….Lord, have mercy upon us, Christ, have mercy upon us, Lord, have mercy upon us…Oh Lamb of God, that takest way the sins of the world, Grant us they peace."
They clung together, riding the waves of her labour, tossed up and down on an emotional sea that raged around their hearts, searching frantically for a beacon to shine a path to safe harbour.
"Baby determined to make an appearance, I hear?" Paul Martin's voice was very reassuring. "These things do happen." He set his bag down on the dresser and made his way over to the bed.
"Will it be alright?" Marie gasped, willing him to soothe away her fears.
Paul shook his head, "I can't say for sure. But you've kept well all along, rested and eaten sensibly – you've done everything you could do - and more – to give this baby the best chance possible. And there is a possibility you might have got your dates wrong, isn't there?"
"Maybe," Marie sniffed. "I don't think so, though. And it's still too early, isn't it?"
Paul finished his examination. "Too early or not, this baby is determined to see the world tonight." He gave Ben a meaningful look. "Everything ready?"
Nodding, Ben stationed himself at Marie's side. "I'm not leaving," and smiled down at his wife, trying to impart some of his strength. Marie nodded briefly and then concentrated on enduring another barrage of pain that threatened to rip her apart.
Hop Sing tried his best to keep the boys occupied, even going so far as to let Adam use some of his precious store of sugar to make toffee. Hoss shivered each time a low moan, or higher pitched scream made its way through the floor boards and more than one salty tear dripped into the saucepan, as he watched the sticky mass intently and tried very hard not to think of his beloved Mama in pain. He hated this baby for hurting her. He would never forgive it for doing this to his Ma and he certainly would never love it.
Adam shuddered as a particularly piercing shriek issued forth, followed by a silence that somehow seemed even louder and more sinister. He did not dare to look at Hop Sing and busied himself buttering a tray in preparation for the molten toffee. And then, a fierce, angry squeal shattered the air. With a start, Adam realised he had been holding his breath, as it whooshed out of him in one long stream.
"Hear that?" He took hold of Hoss by the shoulders. "I reckon we're both big brothers now, eh little brother?"
Hoss refused to meet his eyes. "Yeah," he muttered. "Ain't this toffee ever going to be ready?" He didn't want to think about anything else, until he knew his Mama was all right. That was all that mattered. He didn't care about the stupid baby, which had caused his Ma all that pain. In fact, he hated it.
"My baby – is my baby alright?" Marie struggled up onto her elbows and watched as Paul bent over a small, squirming bundle, that continued to make loud, protesting noises.
"Hear those lungs? Nothing wrong with this little chap at all! He's a bit on the small side, but otherwise – you have a fine, healthy baby boy!"
Swaddling the child in a shawl, Paul handed him to his parents, who were immediately lost in a world all of their own, where nothing and no-one could possible intrude. They stared with wonder at their baby.
"A boy – we have a son, Ben! A son!" Marie ran a finger down the tiny, puckered face. "Isn't he the most beautiful baby you ever saw?"
Ben kissed the top of her head and joined in the baby-worship. "He's perfect. Just perfect. Thank you, my love."
Marie started to undo the folds of blankets, eager to examine every inch of her baby. She marvelled at the tiny hands and feet, that curled and then uncurled in an ancient, primal rhythm, anxiously counted each finger and toe and placed her fingers on his tiny chest so that she could feel the reassuring thump of his heart. The baby subsided into a series of small whimpers, bemused by his strange new surroundings.
"I'll go and tell the boys, shall I?" Paul said and received an abstracted nod from Ben, while Marie remained lost in adoration. Smiling happily, for welcoming a new life into the world was one of his greatest pleasures, Paul almost skipped down the stairs.
At the sound of his footsteps, Adam rushed forward, dark eyes burning in a pale face.
"Congratulations – you have a new baby brother!" Paul announced and revelled in smile that broke out across Adam's normally solemn countenance.
"And Marie – is she? I mean…?"
"Mother and baby are both doing well," Paul reassured him.
Hoss scowled. "Who cares about the stupid baby anyway?" he muttered, but only Hop Sing heard him, as Adam was busily demanding to know when he could go upstairs.
"Come on!" He grabbed Hoss by the arm and dragged him bodily along, ignoring the younger boy's whimpers of protest. Ben met them at the bedroom door.
"Just a few minutes, boys – your mother is very tired and so is the baby," he warned, guiding them in solicitously.
"Ma!" Hoss yelled in joy, and would have jumped onto the bed, had Ben not retained a strong hold of his shirt collar.
"Careful, Hoss – be gentle!" he urged, as his son wriggled free and trotted eagerly to the bed.
"I was worried about you," he confided, snuggling to Marie, thankful beyond words that his mother was all right.
"I'm fine," Marie soothed, stroking back his fine hair. She looked up and Adam was taken aback at the look of serene joy and utter contentment on her face.
"And the baby?" Adam's voice was no more than a whisper.
"Come and see," Ben urged, and watched proudly as Marie eased back the shawl so that Adam could at last see his new brother.
"Isn't he tiny?" he breathed, too scared to dare to even touch the child. "Tiny – but sweet!" he amended and then leant forward and kissed Marie on the cheek, then sat down beside her to study the baby intently. Hoss leant over and took a critical look.
"He looks like a skinned rabbit! All red and scrawny!" he said in disgusted tones and then promptly lost interest. "I made some toffee, Ma – do you want some?"
A firm hand pressed down on his neck. "Time for bed, boys! You start getting ready and I'll be in shortly." Ben propelled them out of the room, closed the door firmly behind them and then returned to gaze at his newest and most precious son with rapt adoration. Holding a new life, one so tiny he could almost balance the babe in one hand – was there any feeling in the world to compare with that? How could you rationally explain the feelings of love that suddenly poured forth?
Ben looked at his longed-for child and felt utter contentment fill his soul and heal the void that had existed for so long. It was not a betrayal of the baby who had died – it was a vindication. This baby was doubly precious.
"Have you chosen a name yet?" Paul asked curiously.
Ben shook his head. "Not yet. We didn't dare let ourselves think that far ahead, just in case…" He smiled and mentally apologised to the baby, who was still without a name!
Too excited too sleep, Adam had begged to be allowed to stay up for just a little while longer. Sitting by the fire, he pulled his nightshirt down over his knees and watched as Ben filled two glasses with whisky, added a dash of water and then he and Paul raised them aloft.
"Joy and happiness!" Ben proclaimed, feeling quite giddy even before he had swallowed a single drop. His heart sang, suffused with the wonder of everything. Life seemed utterly wonderful and completely perfect.
"Long life to the newest member of the Cartwright family!" Paul responded joyfully.
Raising his glass of milk alongside the men, Adam joined in the toast and wondered if his Pa might see his way to allowing him a taste of whiskey. After all, he was a big brother twice over and surely that meant he was almost a man?
Ben clasped Paul's hand warmly. "Thank you, Paul – for all your help and for being a good friend. Marie and I wondered if you would possibly do us the honour of standing as Godfather to the baby?"
Flushed with pride, Paul agreed readily and sipped his whisky with even deeper appreciation, while Adam tugged urgently at the edge of his father's vest. "Pa – the baby will need two godfathers won't he? And I'm old enough, aren't I?"
"I couldn't think of a better person," Ben assured him, with a pang of remorse. Why hadn't he thought of this before? "The baby is very lucky to have you as big brother and you'll make a splendid godfather."
"I'll look after him," Adam vowed. "I promise."
