A/N: Oh heeeeeeey gurl how you doin?
WARNING: Talk of sex. Whatareyagonnado?
I want to say thank you to the person who pointed out that this chapter was all formatting code when I first posted it. My computer's weird but I usually catch it when that happens, but this time it was all "shit I fucked up I FUCKED up" so thank you.
Also, I apologize ahead of time for all the references. Sorry. Like, seriously. I'm sorry.
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(James to Sirius at 1:30 pm)
Ok ok so how about…
(James to Sirius at 1:30 pm)
A gryffindor and a hufflepuff?
(Sirius to James at 1:31 pm)
Starting off with the easy ones eh?
(James to Sirius at 1:32 pm)
Hold on who said that was easy
(Sirius to James at 1:33 pm)
Uh, everybody? that couple is fucking adorable
(Sirius to James at 1:34 pm)
Nuff said
(James to Sirius at 1:35 pm)
Yeah but WHY?
(Sirius to James at 1:36 pm)
You want me to go into detail? ugh
(James to Sirius at 1:37 pm)
Go big or go home honey bunch
(Sirius to James at 1:38 pm)
Suck my cock tootsiepoo
(Sirius to James at 1:39 pm)
But it's so obvious why it would be cute af
(Sirius to James at 1:39 pm)
I mean
(Sirius to James at 1:40 pm)
You got your outspoken gryffindor living it up and loving life and then you got your hufflepuff bouncing around after them like a besotted puppy
(Sirius to James at 1:40 pm)
It's the cutest shit
(James to Sirius at 1:41 pm)
But come on the hufflepuff wouldn't be the only one hopelessly enamored cuz i feel like the gryffindor would kiss the huff all over their face and like take them out on the roof to look at the stars and all the crap you see in bad teenage romance movies
(James ot Sirius at 1:41 pm)
The ones with the Smashmouth soundtracks
(Sirius to James at 1:42pm)
Oh yeah they'd totally be the really annoying couple that snuggle everywhere
(Sirius to James at 1:42 pm)
Like wtf you're in public you fucktards
(James to Sirius at 1:43 pm)
Why do you always swear when you express how adorable you find something?
(Sirius to James at 1:44 pm)
Shut up i need to re-exert my manliness
(James to Sirius at 1:45 pm)
You sound like a 14 year old boy screeching "no homo"
(Sirius to James at 1:46 pm)
Yes homo
(Sirius to James at 1:46 pm)
All the homo
(Sirius to James at 1:46 pm)
Buckets and buckets of homo
(James to Sirius at 1:47 pm)
Totally showing that to moony
(Sirius to James at 1:48 pm)
*gasps* you WOULDN'T
(Sirius to James at 1:48 pm)
Actually go ahead he might get excited
(Sirius to James at 1:48 pm)
Our epic love story can finally begin
(James to Sirius at 1:49 pm)
*ques All Star by Smashmouth*
(James to Sirius at 1:49 pm)
someBODY ONCE TOLD ME
(Sirius to James at 1:50 pm)
Bitch please you KNOW my movie with moony would be full of zeppelin
(James to Sirius at 1:51 pm)
But come on padfoot…
(James to Sirius at 1:52 pm)
And then you saw his FACE
(Sirius to James at 1:53 pm)
Stop. Right now. Don't go down that path.
(James to Sirius at 1:56 pm)
God i can practically hear moony rolling his eyes
(Sirius to James at 1:57 pm)
The only thing i can hear is pete wanking in the room next to me
(James to Sirius at 1:58 pm)
Wait srsly?!
(Sirius to James at 1:59 pm)
Idk i kinda tuned it out with some music awhile ago
(Sirius to James at 1:59 pm)
He should be done by now
(James to Sirius at 2:00 pm)
Somehow i feel as though we're getting off topic
(Sirius to James at 2:01 pm)
Right
(Sirius to James at 2:02 pm)
What were we talking about?
(James to Sirius at 2:03 pm)
Hufflepuff and gryffindor relationships being fucking adorable
(Sirius to James at 2:04)
Oh yeah…they're the couple that gets married after school. End of discussion
(James to Sirius at 2:05 pm)
But what about their sexual relationship? ;)
(Sirius to James at 2:06 pm)
Oh we're doing that too?
(James to Sirius at 2:06 pm)
You bet your leather covered arse we are
(Sirius to James at 2:07 pm)
Ok just give me a minute
(Sirius to James at 2:07 pm)
(And i'll have you know my arse looks great in leather)
(Sirius to James at 2:08 pm)
Eh i'd say they're pretty vanilla and overly romantic
(Sirius to James at 2:08 pm)
Like they'd be the couple that says "i love you" after every hump
(James to Sirius at 2:09 pm)
Yeah their sex would probably MEAN something
(Sirius to James at 2:10 pm)
*shudders*
(James to Sirius at 2:11 pm)
Come on it can't be that bad
(Sirius to James at 2:12 pm)
You're only saying that because that's exactly how you have sex with evans
(James to Sirius at 2:13 pm)
You know what you can shut your whore mouth Mr. Brood Until Someone Notices Me
(Sirius to James at 2:14 pm)
Please you know the ladies love a brooding man
(James to Sirius at 2:14 pm)
I think they're more interested in your leather pants
(Sirius to James at 2:15 pm)
Pfft who wouldn't be?
(Sirius to James at 2:15 pm)
Besides you of course
(Sirius to James at 2:15 pm)
Bloody prude
(James to Sirius at 2:16 pm)
Anyone would be a prude compared to you
(James to Sirius at 2:16 pm)
You scarlet woman
(Sirius to James at 2:17 pm)
Heheh haven't been called that since moony caught that girl sneaking out of my room last month
(Sirius to Jams at 2:17 pm)
…who was she again?
(James to Sirius at 2:18 pm)
The blonde one?
(Sirius to James at 2:19 pm)
No the brunette
(Sirius to James at 2:19 pm)
Wait i think she was a ravenclaw at hogwarts
(James to Sirius at 2:20 pm)
SPEAKING of ravenclaws…
(Sirius to James at 2:21 pm)
Hoe don't do it
(James to Sirius at 2:22 pm)
Oh come on it's fun
(James to Sirius at 2:22 pm)
Now tell me about the relationship between a gryffindor and a ravenclaw
(Sirius to James at 2:23 pm)
Why are we doing this?
(James to Sirius at 2:24 pm)
Social experiment
(Sirius to James at 2:25 pm)
Bullshit
(James to Sirius at 2:26 pm)
Fine I'm bored and your answers amuse me
(Sirius to James at 2:27 pm)
Sure go ahead and treat me like a circus act
(James to Sirius at 2:28 pm)
Shut up you like being treated like a circus act
(Sirius to James at 2:29 pm)
Course I do
(Sirius to James at 2:29 pm)
There's whipping involved ;)
(James to Sirius at 2:30 pm)
Just get on with it you kinky son of a bitch
(Sirius to James at 2:31 pm)
Fine fine fine
(Sirius to James at 2:31 pm)
Pushy bastard
(Sirius to James at 2:32 pm)
A relationship between a gryffindor and a ravenclaw would be challenging cuz the gryff is all "hey lets go poke that with a stick" and the raven's all like "no we shouldn't poke that with a stick because it can kill you and other boring stuff that no one cares about"
(Sirius to James at 2:33 pm)
Not that it couldn't be a good thing though i mean they definitely balance each other out
(Sirius to James at 2:33 pm)
I just know that I have a problem with ravenclaws who act like they know better than me. I admire their determination though, and brains are DEFINITELY a turn on
(James to Sirius at 2:34 pm)
Yeah and you have to admit those couples last a pretty long time
(Sirius to James at 2:35 pm)
But they always have a gigantic fight where they don't talk to each other for like two months
(James to Sirius at 2:36 pm)
Oh yeah you're right i remember those
(James to Sirius at 2:36 pm)
Ok next question
(James to Sirius at 2:36 pm)
Sexy times
(Sirius to James at 2:37 pm)
Buy me dinner first you eager beaver
(James to Sirius at 2:38 pm)
You're hilarious
(Sirius to James at 2:39 pm)
I try
(James to Sirius at 2:40 pm)
Give me the details of their sexual relationship
(Sirius to James at 2:41 pm)
Ok gurl i gotchu
(Sirius to James at 2:42 pm)
So get this
(Sirius to James at 2:43 pm)
The gryff will be all like "let's have sex on that desk" and the raven's like "no sirius my homework is on that desk" and the gryff is like "fuck that corporate bullshit" and tackles the ravenclaw onto the desk and then the raven gets all mad but secretly happy because HELLO naked sirius
(James to Sirius at 2:45 pm)
…
(James to Sirius at 2:45 pm)
Sirius i don't want to hear about your personal sexual escapades that's gross
(Sirius to James at 2:46 pm)
Well then
(James to Sirius at 2:47 pm)
Wait no I'm sorry that came out wrong don't be mad
(Sirius to James at 2:48 pm)
You hurt me james
(Sirius to James at 2:48 pm)
You hurt me real deep
(Sirius to James at 2:48 pm)
After all the shit i put up with during your pre-evans shagging years this is how i'm treated
(James to Sirius at 2:49 pm)
I'm sorry
(Sirius to James at 2:50)
I can't hear yoooouuuuu
(James to Sirius at 2:51 pm)
We're texting
(Sirius to James at 2:52 pm)
Excuses excuses
(James to Sirius at 2:52 pm)
Omg fine
(James to Sirius at 2:52 pm)
IM SORRY
(James to Sirius at 2:52 pm)
You happy?
(Sirius to James at 2:53 pm)
Not in this economy
(Sirius to James at 2:53 pm)
*ba-dum tiss*
(James to Sirius at 2:54 pm)
You need help
(Sirius to James at 2:55 pm)
What i really need is a smoke
(Sirius to James at 2:55 pm)
But moony is being a butt and hid the box of cigarettes
(James to Sirius at 2:56 pm)
As he should
(Sirius to James at 2:56 pm)
C'mon prongs let me have my filthy habit
(James to Sirius at 2:57 pm)
You have enough of those already
(Sirius to James at 2:58 pm)
But i neeeeeed them
(James to Sirius at 2:59 pm)
Cancer sticks, padfoot
(Sirius to James at 3:00 pm)
It's a metaphor, prongs
(James to Sirius at 3:01 pm)
Omg do not go quoting tfios again
(James to Sirius at 3:01 pm)
You haven't even read the book
(Sirius to James at 3:02 pm)
But i'm a grenade prongs
(James to Sirius at 3:03 pm)
NO
(Sirius to James at 3:04 pm)
Wait wait wait i got a good one
(Sirius to James at 3:04 pm)
I fell in love like peter farts: slowly, and then all at once
(James to Sirius at 3:05 pm)
Fuck you
(Sirius to James at 3:06 pm)
Maybe fuck will be our always
(Sirius to James at 3:07 pm)
HA
(James to Sirius at 3:06 pm)
THATS IT
(James to Sirius at 3:06 pm)
You leave me no choice
(Sirius to James at 3:07 pm)
What?
(Sirius to James at 3:07 pm)
Wait
(Sirius to James at 3:07 pm)
NO
(James to Sirius at 3:08 pm)
I have to do it
(Sirius to James at 3:09 pm)
DONT YOU FUCKING DARE
(James to Sirius at 3:09 pm)
You brought this on yourself
(Sirius to James at 3:10 pm)
PRONGS PLS
(James to Sirius at 3:11 pm)
Describe the relationship between a slytherin and a gryffindor
(Sirius to James at 3:12 pm)
no
(James to Sirius at 3:13 pm)
Sirius…
(Sirius to James at 3:14 pm)
I don't wanna
(James to Sirius at 3:15 pm)
You have to! You did it for all the others
(Sirius to James at 3:16 pm)
Well yeah cuz all the others didn't come from a house of pricks
(Sirius to James at 3:16 pm)
Lol that sounds like a sitcom
(Sirius to James at 3:16 pm)
House of Pricks
(James to Sirius at 3:17 pm)
Sirius. Mate. Concentrate.
(Sirius to James at 3:18 pm)
James. Bastard. Fuck off.
(James to Sirius at 3:19 pm)
If you don't i'm telling wormy and moony that marlene got you to wear a girdle last halloween
(Sirius to James at 3:20 pm)
Ok so the first thing you've got to consider with the relationship is that they're both really competitive
(James to Sirius at 3:21 pm)
Yes yes go on…
(Sirius to James at 3:22 pm)
Ugh do i really have to? i feel like i'm being castrated or something
(James to Sirius at 3:23 pm)
I think castration would hurt worse than that but whatever YES YOU HAVE TO DO IT
(James to Sirius at 3:23 pm)
Think of the girdle
(Sirius to James at 3:24 pm)
*groans for years*
(Sirius to James at 3:24 pm)
You're a dick
(James to Sirius at 3:25 pm)
Good thing you like dicks
(James to Sirius at 3:25 pm)
Heheheh
(Sirius to James at 3:26 pm)
You're not funny and you will rue this day but fine
(Sirus to James at 3:26 pm)
So since they're both pretty competitive that would be a problem (ugh i hate this) but i have a feeling that there would always be something there to draw them back (this is gross) and the whole thing would probably be really dramatic and gossip worthy (u suck) so it would be interesting to keep track of
(Sirius to James at 3:26 pm)
THERE R U HAPPY
(James to Sirius at 3:27 pm)
Eh it's acceptable
(Sirius to James at 3:28 pm)
Thank fuck
(James to Sirius at 3:28 pm)
Now describe their sex life
(Sirius to James at 3:29 pm)
Y
(Sirius to James at 3:29 pm)
Y u do this
(James to Sirius at 3:30 pm)
Girdle
(Sirius to James at 3:31 pm)
I hate u
(James to Sirius at 3:31 pm)
GIRDLE
(Sirius to James at 3:32 pm)
FINE
(Sirius to James at 3:32 pm)
Swallowing back vomit
(James to Sirius at 3:33 pm)
Stay strong my love
(Sirius to James at 3:34 pm)
Here i go
(Sirius to James at 3:34 pm)
One thing I've always kinda figured about slytherins is that they're the kinkiest bitches in the history of kinky bitches like they would be into whips, handcuffs, toys, the whole shebang
(Sirius to James at 3:34 pm)
And gryffindors are pretty experimental i mean it would take some convincing but they would probably jump right in
(Sirius to James at 3:34 pm)
And even if there wasn't any kinky stuff involved the two would have a whole lot of fun in the bedroom and if they ever fought they would most likely make up with a buttload of angry sex
(James to Sirius at 3:35 pm)
Lol you said buttload
(Sirius to James at 3:36 pm)
Stfu i did what you asked
(James to Sirius at 3:37 pm)
Yes you did but i wasn't expecting that
(James to Sirius at 3:37 pm)
Gee sirius i didn't know how often you think of slytherins and sex ;)
(Sirius to James at 3:38 pm)
Omfg that's not what that was go die
(James to Sirius at 3:39 pm)
I dunno it sounded like you've considered it before
(Sirius to James at 3:40 pm)
Only when i'm like super drunk
(Sirius to James at 3:40 pm)
But when i'm sober slytherins are disgusting assholes who are WAY too full of themselves
(James to Sirius at 3:41 pm)
Agreed
(James to Sirius at 3:41 pm)
Hey should we do the other house's pairings like a ravenclaw and hufflepuff pairings?
(Sirius to James at 3:42 pm)
Why should we? Gryffindor's are the fucking greatest
(James to Sirius at 3:42 pm)
True dat
(Sirius to James at 3:43 pm)
Like i honestly can't think of a single thing wrong with us we're just so goddam great
(Sirius to James at 3:43 pm)
Ok i gotta go booby trap moony's bedsheets
(James to Sirius at 3:44 pm)
The fart bombs are in my closet
(Sirius to James at 3:45 pm)
Thanks babe
(James to Sirius at 3:46 pm)
;)
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A/N: Ok, first off, I want to apologize to all the hufflepuffs, ravenclaws, and slytherins out there. Please remember that James and Sirius are idiots. You guys are all beautiful people with awesome sex lives. Probably.
On another note, I think the phrase "buckets and buckets of homo" pretty much sums up my fan fiction experience. Amiright?
