CHAPTER 2 What have I done?

When I wake up I'm blinded by a fluorescent light. I look around, finding myself in a white room and gently leaning on a soft mattress. I'm sure I'm not dreaming because here it's too quiet to be one of my dreams. The memory of the night invests me. Another wakeful night, full of nightmares and all were about Peeta. Me, I'm standing bound to a tree, forced to watch them killing him. Trying to help him but only making his situation worse. Being eventually cast off by him because of my failure.

I stare at the door while a doctor enters followed by Snow. My wrists begin to rap the cuff, ready to reach his neck.

''Dear Miss Everdeen. Stop hurting yourself or it will be more difficult for you to look well in front of a camera.''

I stiffen, feeling the smell of blood and rose hitting my face. ''I don't mind.''

He smiles. ''You will, if someone you care about will be punished.''

''They're far from your grip.'' Even if I know it I don't feel completely sure about that.

''So he should stop betting on you.'' Presindent Snow's whisper sticks me. Cinna. He should be dead. Much better if he already is. He shouldn't suffer because of me. I widen my eyes and start to yell at the doctor, feeling my animal's killing instinct growing. I have to kill Snow. Someone embeds a needle in my arm and morphine starts to enter in me. But it's not only the drug, also a sleeping draft. I see Snow leaving the room before my mind is blown out by allucinations that slowly rock me into my nightmares.

Again I find myself on this unwanted bed, willing to get up and find him. This time I'm free of any bandage or cuff but I linger flat. A sound coming from the door makes me arise in a sitting position. I see a well-known gold face. Venia. I watchfully see my prep team enter the room and come closer to the bed. Still unsure, I peer at them.

''Katniss, it's me. I'm here to help you.'' says Venia in a reassuring voice. Flavius clasps my hand softly while Octavia stares at me from behind Venia.

I must have a terrified face because Octavia covers her face with both hands and runs out away crying. Not that she could go so far, though. As in front of the mirror I notice my wounds. I caress the one on my cheek, thinking of Gale. My eyes catch view of the irregular scar underneath which there was my tracker during the Quell. Johanna has made a deep cut and now there's a hard spot on which my fingers press. I consciously avoid the mirror, listening to the words of my prep team.

''At least she's ok.'' Flavius almost whispers.

''Yes and so are we.'' Octavia adds.

I'm not ok. I'm far from it. But I don't say it.

''We try to cover your scars and to make you look beautiful as always. Not a hard job.'' Venia smiles at me.

I allow myself to look at my reflection only when the make up is done. Octavia and Flavius did a perfect job, I can't see any of my scars. I resemble my oldself after my first games. Harmless in my green dress. But also defenseless. Cinna hasn't shown up so I had to cloth myself by myself.

''You look gorgeous.'' Octavia walks around me while Flavius gives my hair a last touch of his expert hands. I turn to Venia who stands soundless behind me and I know that's not for my outfit.

''Is Cinna really alive?'' the mice stop and Venia widens her eyes. He might, I'm aware of it, but I can't stop thinking that he escaped from the Capitol. Suddenly the thought hits me: was he the one who helped the rebels? Does he have a high role in the rebellion? This makes me feel sick because if he's not dead he had been tortured too.

''Yes.'' she says with distress.

''Why isn't he here? I need to see him.'' My voice stands in the hair for a while, until someone speaks again.

''You can't..'' Octavia's voice raises shyly.

''We can't either. He wrote us a paper with the details of your style for today.'' Says Flavius sadly.

I clench my fists. ''Why?'' I start to think that he can't see anyone because he's too weak. Too close to death.

''He's imprisoned. Not like us. We have a luxury treatment and they don't torture us. But..he had a role in the rebel uprising and he supported you. They think that he is the principal cause of your steadiness.'' admits Venia.

I let the anger catch me. ''He is! Of course he is. He's just so..and I can't let..he bet on me! I –''

''Miss Everdeen, spare your emotions for the enterview.'' President Snow enters the room and my prep team flees, bidding us goodbye.

''What do you want from me?'' I ask abruptly.

'I'm not asking you anything different from the last time. Ask for a ceasefire.'' his snaky look on me.

''Or?''

''Nothing but everyone's death.'' he says. I know that 'everyone' means 'all the people you love'. He starts to walk through the room and keeps talking in his calm tone. ''You know, the crazy-in love-girl story can't last forever and Peeta has already broken it up.''

At his name I turn fast and completely towards Snow and step down the metal circle that, now more ever, reminds me of the arena. My head starts to spin as the stench reaches my nose and I take a step backwards. Peeta. He couldn't have forgotten his love for me. Snow is lying.

''I don't believe you.'' I hiss at him.

''You should. How can he otherwise start to lead the Districts to a war without saving his bride? You surely think I'm lying. But if I am, you wouldn't be here, would you? He won't come because he doesn't care for you. For all this time you were his pawn. Anyway, you will be on air in a few moments.'' A stylist comes near me with a bag, ''Put this on. See you on the stage, Girl on Fire.''

I get on the stage with a flawless copy of my wedding dress on. Everyone looks perplexed because, for the Capitol's style, my make up and hair don't suit the dress at all. Once I sit on the red armchair I feel glued to it. Because of my reaction during the last interview I guess. I nearly killed Ceasar Flickerman. Security measure. I look around nervously while the red light of the camera glares jerky. I hear someone counting down and then I'm on air.

''Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen.'' Ceasar's voice sounds as cheerful as always, even if he's afraid of me. '' Tonight, here with us, the magnificent Girl on Fire!'' As the applauses grow from the hypotetical crowd I begin to stiffen. My voice sounds hoarse, ''Good evening.'' I simply say.

Ceasar speaks widely, playing his part while I'm thinking of my family and of Gale. I have to control myself. For their sake.

''You look lovely in your wedding dress.'' he admits with a smile.

''Thanks.'' I reply.

''Someone told me you want to make an announcement. I'm curious. Please don't make me wait any longer.'' he looks excited.

I can't stop the swirlling of Snow's words in my mind 'Aks for a ceasefire.' If I don't everyone I love will die.

''Yes Ceasar. I want to ask for a ceasefire.'' I say firmly.

''Oh. Well, what a surprise! But how do you think Peeta will take this?'' asks Ceasar.

I stop for a moment, thinking about what to say. Will he take it for a desperate call for help or for an act of betrayal? Even if I don't believe Snow, no-one has shown up to save me. Or Finnick.

I suddenly don't care about what Peeta will think.

''He has to take it for what it is.'' I respond.

''You're very determined. Peeta. The face of the rebellion. Did you see one of his anti-Capitol propos? Very powerful.''

I don't even pay attention to the propos-story. My mind is focused on Peeta's betrayal. Ceasar looks at me expectantly so I manage an answer, ''I hope so. The rebels want that and he's the only one who can convince an entire folk to die. Without thinking of the others.'' I say angrily. I hope he understands.

''Is there something you want to say to him?''

My anger grows and I'm red on my cheeks. He has betrayed me. Full of rage I look straight in the camera, ''You have to die.''

Lights off. Ceasar runs fastly away from the stage, worried about himself and terrified of another breakdown. I'm undressed of my white bride dress and clothe again with the rags I had in the prison, where I'm headed again.