DISCLAIMER
This fanfic is rated M for: Mature humor, adult themes, and fuckin' language.
Beast Boy handed a picture of a rather attractive young lady to Cyborg, who took it and eyed it with suspicion. His face became more relaxed after he stared at it for a few seconds.
"I dun' get it." Cyborg shrugged, lowering the picture to his side. "Who's this supposed to be?"
"That-" Beast Boy pointed to the photo with an evil grin on his face. "-is Amelia Bowneur."
"Means nothin' to me." Cyborg shrugged.
"You mean you don't remember all of those letters she sent you?"
Cyborg's human eye twitched once. "Um."
"And that one letter that was covered in her-"
"JESUS FUCKING FELONIUS CHRIST!" Cyborg screamed. "NOT THAT AMELIA BOWNEUR! SHE'S OBSESSED WITH ME!"
"Exactly!" Beast Boy snatched the picture from Cyborg's hand and waved it in his face. "And unless you want the entire Tower to know that you want to stick your penis in the T-Car's exhaust, you'll do exactly as I tell you!"
Cyborg stammered for a few seconds, then lowered his head in defeat.
"What do you want me to do?" he asked in a somber tone.
"I want you..." Beast Boy paused for dramatic effect. "...to ask her out on a DATE!"
"But-" Cyborg started. "But-"
"NO BUTS!" Beast Boy exclaimed. "Except for Amelia's."
Cyborg growled.
"Tut-tut, my black bionic friend. You are going to call her and ask her out for a movie date, tonight!"
"I don't even know her phone number, dawg."
Beast Boy then shoved a letter from Amelia into Cyborg's face, which he read in growing fear.
Dear Cyborg,
I wrote you but you still ain't callin'.
I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom.
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not've got 'em.
There must've been a problem at the post office or somethin'.
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot 'em.
But anyways, fuck it, what's been up man, how-
"Hold up!" Cyborg lowered the papers from his face. "Wasn't there already a 'Stan' reference in the last chapter?"
"I dunno." Beast Boy shrugged.
Somewhere, off in the farthest reaches of the universe, a massive tear appeared in the very fabric of the fourth wall.
Cyborg continued to scroll through the letter. And sure enough, she had left her cell, her pager, and her home phone at the bottom.
Who even uses pagers anymore, seriously?
"Do I have to?" Cyborg began to weep silently.
"Unless you want me to tell people..."
"Fine." A tear rolled down Cyborg's cheek. "I'll do it."
"Yer damn right..." Beast Boy started to cackle maniacally.
-Inside Eminem's Rap Castle-
"Oh my god!" Raven cried out quite sensually through heated gasps. "Oh, Eminem! Oh, Slim! Oh, Marshall! You're amazing! Oh God, you're amazing! Yes!" she practically screamed that last part.
"Aw yeah, baby. That's the shit right there!" Eminem replied in a low voice.
Raven put both of her hands to her cheeks and gasped again, marvelling at the massive selection of assorted teas in Eminem's "tea room". There must have been thousands of different kinds of herbal teas and flavored specialty teas in there. Raven was amazed.
What the fuck were YOU thinking? Fuckin' perv.
Anyways, there was a lot of tea and Raven was totally stoked about it. No coitus involved. Eminem had a smug grin on his face while he crossed his arms, obviously proud of himself that he was able to impress his favorite Teen Titan.
Raven, for whatever reason, had her hood up grew a giant open mouthed smile and ran around the room like a child in a candy store, flailing her arms as she ran around, stopping at random areas and jumping up and down giddily.
"I can't even comprehend how amazing this is!" Raven exclaimed.
Slim Shady walked slowly behind Raven, and wrapped his arms around her stomach. He leaned forward until Raven could feel his soft breath on her ear. "I can think of something even more amazing." he whispered seductively.
Raven turned around in his arms and faced him, leaning back on the cupboards. She smirked and cocked an eyebrow at him. "Oh?" she asked in a playful voice.
"Yeah, I got a pretty good idea." Shady's eyes narrowed in a sultry way.
Five minutes later they were sitting at a table drinking tea out of fancy cups, and Eminem had a top hat on.
God dammit, get your fucking head out of the gutter, you sick motherfucker.
"Guys, Raven's been kidnapped by The Real Slim Shady!" Machina ran into the common room, waving his arms frantically.
Nobody answered. Nobody was home.
"Um. Hello?" Machina stood in the middle of the room. He waited. "Robin?"
He ran up to Robin's room, knocked on the door, and waited for a few seconds. When nobody answered, he entered Robin's door code.
'IMARIPSLADE'SNUTSOFF876'
The door slid open, and Machina looked inside of the room Robin and Starfire had been sharing for a while now. Shit was getting serious between them, and it easily explained the rhythmic, constant dull thumping that has kept Machina from a decent night's sleep in four months.
"Robin?" he asked again. "Starfire?"
Silence. He was the only one in the tower.
"Robin and Star are gone." he said, not sure at first what to do with himself. A sudden expression of happy, twisted excitement came across his features. He thrust his arms into the air.
"I'M GONNA TOUCH ALL THEIR STUFF!" he yelled as he practically jumped into their room.
Robin, arms crossed, impatiently tapped his foot as he waited for Starfire outside of a changing room in "Sparkly Ovarian Heaven", Starfire's favorite clothing store. He opened his arms and glanced down at his right wrist to check the time, only to cross his arms again after he remembered that he didn't wear a watch. So the rhythmic foot tapping which resembled a certain dull thumping continued.
"Staaaarrrrrr!" Robin groaned. "Hurrryyyyy uuupppppp! We've been here for 3 hours! I'm starving, and Machina's probably touching our stuff!"
The door suddenly flew open with a loud SLAM, revealing a rather pissed-off Starfire.
I don't care who you are, if Starfire's pissed at you, you're fucking dead. Robin knew this, and he probably needed to change his uniform.
"Boyfriend-Robin, you do not tell a girl to do the 'hurrying up' in a clothing store, unless you want to sleep on the couch and be labeled as the 'fucker of mothers'."
Robin groaned. He didn't want to be labelled as the 'fucker of mothers'. Though this might have garnered him some respect if it wasn't used as an insult.
The door slammed again, and a happy humming of Passenger of Shit's "I Staple Tape Worms on My Penis" could be heard.
Unless you want your ears violently raped, don't look that song up.
...
And with that your curiosity got the better of you. You just opened a Youtube tab and are typing it into the search bar right now. *sigh* You dumb fucker of mothers.
Machina was in heaven, his arms practically a blur as he ran about Robin and Starfire's room, touching EVERYTHING. Just then he stopped, and a trickle of blood began to fall out of his right nostril.
"What the shit?" Machina said as he wiped his nose in an attempt to quell the sudden nosebleed. He thought for a moment of what could have caused it.
"Ah shit, I died in an alternate timeline!" Machina said in annoyance. "I probably got stranded in space and suffocated due to the lack of oxygen or something."
He shrugged and went back to his thing-touching.
Cyborg lazily leaned on the wall of the movie theatre. He checked the screen built into his arm.
5:30 PM. He looked forwards, scanning for the person he didn't really want to see at this time.
His palms were sweaty.
Knees weak.
Arms are heavy.
There's vomit on his circuits already.
Mom's spaghetti.
He's nervous.
But on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs.
...
He was literally beginning to sweating buckets as he waited for Amelia Bowneur. He looked up again, and he saw her.
She was very attractive, that much was obvious. Almost gorgeous in fact. She was rather shapely, decent bust size, medium length hair. Cyborg almost started gawking.
Then, it happened.
"CYBORG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG YOU CAME!" Amelia yelled as she left a massive trail of fire behind her, knocking the crowd out of the way and trampling a toddler into the ground.
"Uh...hi Amelia." Cyborg said, putting on his best fake smile. "You... wanna go see a movie now?"
"YES!110!0!01!one" Amelia shrieked. "BUT ONLY IF YOU PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME!"
Cyborg groaned, put his arm around Amelia Bowneur's shoulder, and began to walk her into the theatre.
She then smacked his sweet, robot ass.
Cyborg sighed contently as he climbed back into the T-Car. He was happy it was over, Amelia was really beginning to creep him out back there. More like, outright fucking terrifying him.
30 minutes earlier...
"BITCH, GET OFFA ME!" Cyborg said sternly as Amelia jumped into his lap.
"SHUT UP AND CALL ME MASTER!" Amelia yelled as she pinned Cyborg's arms to the chair.
Cyborg started to cry.
Other than that, the 'date' was actually pretty normal. Other than the fact that Amelia BOWNEUR went for a stupidly long bathroom break in the middle of the movie. Like, 15 minutes. But Cyborg shrugged that off due to the fact that IT WAS FINALLY OVER!
Cyborg started the car, and drove out of the parking lot. He then pulled off of an exit to the freeway, as this theatre was a ways away from the tower. He matched the speed of the very small amount of traffic, only a few cars out driving. He put on a groovy tune, and sat back for the drive to his home.
That's when he saw a small minivan came speeding up to the left of him at almost 200 mph! Cyborg looked over at the minivan and instantly recognized AMELIA FUCKIGN BOWNEUR!
"Ah, fuck!" Cyborg said in vain.
Amelia sped up in the other lane up ahead, still going much faster than Cyborg was. She waited until she was ahead of him somewhat, then sharply turned right, cutting Cyborg off.
Cyborg went to slam on the brakes, but just as his foot hit the brake pedal, his eyes widened.
"Wait! BITCH CUT MY FUCKING BRAKE LINE!" Cyborg screamed.
He stepped on those fuckers 8 times! Still going 73 on the freeway with no brakes!
"Oh, thank god! There's an exit coming up!" Cyborg said in relief.
Cyborg was about to go off of a freeway exit ramp at 73 miles-per-hour. Either he's insane or he's an absolute boss behind the wheel.
He coasted too hard off of the ramp, and he hit a fucking tree! He bailed out of the T-Car, and looked up.
Now here she comes at full speed, she's racing straight at Cyborg.
Cyborg narrowed his eyes. "Okay, you wanna fuck with me eh?"
In an absolutely amazing spectacle, he snatched that bitch out her car through the window, she's screaming, and he body slammed her on the cement 'till the concrete gave, and created a sinkhole.
Then, he buried this stank hoe in it, and payed to have this shit re-paved.
Robin burst through the door to his room, finger pointed forward, straight at Machina who was wide eyed in surprise.
"CAUGHT YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH!" Robin yelled in anger, catching Machina in the act of touching his stuff.
"It's too late, Boy BLUNDER!" Machina yelled, wheeling around, holding the Slade mask that Robin kept. "THIS, is the last object. AND I AM TOUCHING IT! TRY TO STOP ME!"
"I WILL STOP YOU!" Robin yelled back.
"YOU CAN'T STOP ME!, I'M MOTHER FUCKING MACHINA!" Machina yelled as he ran forward and pimp-slapped Robin across his face before booking shit, laughing down the hallway.
Robin stood stunned for a short moment, before dropping to his knees in defeat.
He then began to silently weep.
