I shouldn't be surprised at the obstacles life throws at me anymore. The ground was a mystery we still hadn't completely solved. I was finding out that parenthood was the same thing. Between feeding Aries and then changing him right afterwards, learning how to change him before he decided to pee on me, and falling asleep still holding him in my arms, I was wearing out the title of new father.
But I wouldn't trade the last few weeks for anything. Because I fell in love with my little boy the moment he was born. But the bond we had now after learning how to live with each other, that was one I knew would never break.
Clarke and I fell into a routine after that first night together. Somehow we agreed without saying the words out loud that we were in this together. Or at least that's how I saw it. She helped me stress less which meant Aries didn't cry as much. She saved my life and my sanity all within the first month of his life.
Time seemed to move forward. One month passed and then two. Little Aries grew fast. He was three months old and he had a head full of brown shaggy curls like mine. His chubby little legs were wiggling at everything, his belly was always full. He was big for a three month old. At least that's what Clarke said when she checked him out. He got chubbier, his face got fuller.
He started to look even more like me than I realized was possible.
All the girls at camp fussed over him. His big brown eyes drew them in. His giggle made them stay. He was a hit wherever I took him. He loved it too, he would giggle whenever someone touched him, or talked to him. He seemed to enjoy being the center of attention whenever he was around people. I didn't mind, I loved showing him off. So did Clarke.
Octavia loved carrying him around too. She'd watch him while I took my shift at the wall or helped with hunting duties. If she was busy Clarke always stepped up. Clarke was the co-parent I never knew I would want. I mean I knew I needed someone to help me with him while he was little, but she was there for all the moments I didn't know would matter. Like when he sat up for the first time. Or when he laughed and then sneezed scaring himself. When he got the hiccups and we couldn't stop laughing.
She shared his moments with me. Clarke promised me I wouldn't have to do it alone. She was a woman of her word, something I always respected about her.
That's how I ended up at her cabin most nights. She had the rocking chair. When I finally finished building his crib, I put it at her place. We spent most of our time there anyways. She would get dinner before I was off shift and then we would eat together with Aries between us. Now that he'd stopped crying incessantly he slept a lot.
Clarke checked him out too. When she took him to the medical bay she would give him a check up. Not a thorough one like when he turned three months old. Just little checks to make sure he wasn't getting sick or anything like that. She played doctor with him and I loved that she was so concerned about him as I was.
The other night I woke up and she was just staring at him. She had her hand pressed against his little body, checking to make sure he was still breathing. It was so quiet I realized even I wasn't sure. She smiled when she noticed me awake, her blue eyes flashing with something I wasn't sure she was ready for just yet.
"Sorry I didn't mean to wake you," she whispered as she pulled the covers over him, "I just rolled and he cried. I thought he was awake."
I yawned and pulled him closer to me, "you didn't wake me."
I shook my head at the memory. I fell back asleep dreaming of her and me in that bed together, Aries in his crib fast asleep. I woke up more than embarrassed as I ran off trying to collect myself before she realized what was happening. Thankfully she had been so caught up in changing Aries she didn't notice me leave and come back with cold water splashed on my face.
"Bellamy!" Clarke looked thrilled to see me as I walked into what was slowly becoming our cabin, "you missed it. Aries just rolled over."
"What?" I smiled at my son in her arms. I rubbed his little head, messing up his curls before I kissed his cheek, "do it again buddy."
He giggled at me, his toothless gums sticking out over his lips. I was in love with this little boy. No matter how scared I had been I got over those fears fast. Because he was the brightest spot in my world. Having him in my life made everything make sense. I could see a future without anger and despair waiting for me.
"I swear he just rolled over and then looked at me waiting for approval. He likes attention," Clarke set him down on the ground, "just like his dad."
I rolled my eyes, "funny princess," she stuck her tongue out at my nickname, "so what's for dinner tonight? I'm starving."
She sighed, "Octavia's night. Some grounder recipe she wouldn't describe. It's pretty good. How was your shift?"
I shrugged as she sat on her knees behind me and rubbed my shoulders. It was like we were a married couple, I came home to a hot meal and a baby. The only thing that was missing between us was her knowing exactly how I felt. I swallowed those thoughts as I sighed.
"Okay. The grounders are quiet. The world is quiet cause it's cold. We watch the wall and stare at the snow. How's the medical bay?"
"Colds. Aches and pains. Nothing I can't handle," she smiled at me, "I have off tomorrow. You do too right?"
I scratched my head, "uh yeah. Murphy needed me to switch. So I plan on sleeping well into the afternoon."
"We should take him to my mom's cabin. Expose him to some more people. He needs to get out of this cabin and our jobs," she played with his feet as he giggled. I couldn't stop watching them together. She loved that little boy like he was her own. It hurt my heart to know he wasn't. That he would never know his real mom because she died before she got a chance to meet him.
"Okay," I sighed as I thought about asking her mom to babysit. I wanted to take Clarke out. I wanted to thank her for helping me these last few months. But I didn't know how to ask her out. I didn't know how to tell her in more words than I already had how I felt. Now that I had a baby I knew there was no possibility of us.
But we were friends. I wanted to thank her for being my friend even after I was so mean to her when she came back to us. I knew I was so harsh on her because of my crush. Because I still hadn't gotten over my feelings for her even after she left me standing there to pick up my own pieces. But that didn't make it right.
Clarke yawned as she stretched her arms above her head, "I'm beat. Your food's by the fire. I'm going to put him down and go to bed myself," she paused as I stood up, "you're going to stay right?"
I smiled at her, "we always stay, Clarke."
"I know. I just. I like you two here. I don't like sleeping alone anymore," her voice was small as she laid the sleeping baby in her bed. I smiled as I looked away, Clarke crawling in beside him as she pulled the blanket up. My heart hurt because this was a scene I never wanted to end.
No matter how many time I saw her fall asleep with my son I was still struck by the scene. Because I had been lying to myself. I'd never get over my crush. It wasn't possible to get over a woman as amazing as her.
—
Clarke carried Aries as we walked through camp. We were stopped over and over again as they all greeted him. He hasn't been out of the cabin in a while since it was still cold out. Aries giggled as they touched his head and his feet. He clung to Clarke tightly. He might like the attention but he wanted to stay in the arms of someone he was familiar with.
I smiled at the way they took to each other. I don't think we would've made it this long without her.
"You two are just adorable," Harper smiled at me as she tousled his hair. He hadn't had it cut since he was born. I think the time was coming for a trim, "you make a cute little family."
I blushed as Clarke thanked her, "so everyone thinks we make a cute family huh?"
I shrugged, "I guess so."
"That's because our son is just so adorable," he kissed his chubby cheeks as he reached for her hair. I smiled as they walked ahead of me. God I wanted it to be true. I wanted it to be me and her and Aries. I didn't want to be afraid of my feelings. But I was. I was terrified of hurting my heart as well as my sons.
Being a parent was harder than I thought.
"Aries!" Abby and Kane came out of the cabin as we got closer. Abby pulled the baby into her arms and kissed him. He loved Abby as much as Clarke.
"Hey mom," Clarke smiled as she kissed her cheek, "Bellamy and I both have off today. So we thought we'd bring the little man to visit."
Kane shook my hand, "a welcomed surprised."
"How's my favorite little man?" Abby fussed over the boy as we walked into their large cabin. It was bigger than the rest, but that's okay. Kane worked extra hard to make sure it was the right size for the meetings that were held here.
Aries cooed as Abby bounced him on her hip. I imagined her caring for Clarke. That same big smile on her face as she looked at her tiny beautiful face. Clarke was the lucky one, she had been raised with love and purpose. I had love. But I grew up too fast. Too many responsibilities weighted my shoulders at an early age.
Kane offered me a drink as we sat down at the table, "thanks," my voice hit a lower octave as I grabbed the tin can.
"So Bellamy," his eyes went from me to Clarke and then back again, "how's everything going?"
I knew what he really meant. But I chose to pretend like I didn't, "good. It's getting easier with Aries. He sleeps now which is a godsend. Those first few weeks were rough."
Kane laughed, "wait until he's two. Or worse wait until he's sixteen and bringing girls home."
"Oh god," I laughed as I took another drink, "please don't give me nightmares. I don't want him to get bigger yet. Or ever if you keep telling me horror stories."
Kane laughed with me as the women caught each other up. Abby was busy being the chancellor and head doctor so Clarke rarely got to see her mother. Of course Clarke helped at the medical bay but Abby was in meetings a lot more these days. We were trying as hard as we could to keep the peace between clans.
"So you two?" Kane kept waiting for me to say something.
I rubbed my eyes and sighed loudly. I shrugged my shoulders but that wasn't enough. After a moment I looked at Clarke. She wasn't listening to us. She was off in her own world with my son and her mother.
"She's helping me get a hang of things," I cleared my throat as I sat back in the chair.
He nodded, a smile at the corner of his lips, "okay. If that's all. I just," my eyes met his as he chose his words carefully, "I remember how you fell apart when she left. I know how you feel."
I felt my cheeks fill with blush. My dark skin hid it away from everyone but Kane, "I know. Which is why I'm not telling her. I've got my friend back. I won't risk losing that. Not when I need help with an infant I wasn't prepared to have."
Kane clicked his tongue, "sometimes the best love stems from that of friendship."
He looked over at Abby and I knew he was thinking about them. If only it were that easy. I knew the bond Clarke and I had was deep. But I wasn't sure if her feelings ran as deep as mine. I never let myself get attached. But I remembered those months without her.
I had been a zombie. I walked around in a haze. I got drunk off moonshine to numb the loss of her. Because she was my other half, my best friend. Working so close together made it hard to remember what it was like to think on my own.
"But if she doesn't feel the same," I stopped as I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Who's hungry? Mom said she made your favorite," Clarke squeezed my shoulder gently as she let go, "also your son needs changed. He stinks."
Kane smiled, our conversation over. He nodded his head, I knew he was telling me to take my time. Kane might have been my enemy once, but now that we were friends we understood each other. I was terrified of ruining something I already had by wanting something more. He knew that wanting something more meant that what we had would never be enough.
That's how him and Abby finally found each other.
I stood up and grabbed her sides making her squeal, "I see you get to have all the fun with the baby and I have to change him. Not fair."
She tapped my cheek, "sorry Bell. He's peed on me one too many times today."
Kane laughed as Abby carried him into the room, "don't worry guys. I changed him. Yes I did," she kissed his cheek, "but I do think he's hungry. Did you bring a bottle?"
"I did," Clarke pulled one out of her bag as Kane set the table for lunch.
"You're a life saver," I said kissing her cheek. She smiled as Aries settled in her arms and she fed him. I shook off my jacket, putting it on the back of my chair before sitting down.
The food was still hot as Abby brought it to the table. My stomach growled as she gave us all a helping. I wasn't used to a hot lunch. On the wall we ate whatever we could get our hands on while we kept watch. Clarke grabbed my hand before we could eat. My heart stopped as I felt her soft skin under mine. I was surprised, until Abby grabbed my other one and then they closed their eyes.
"We thank you for this food. For the peace and safety you've provided us. Amen."
"Amen." We all echoed after Kane finished.
While we ate our food we traded stories. Clarke told her mom about her patients and the trip she took to get supplies from the grounders. I laughed along with everyone else when she told us how she fell face first into the mud when she got distracted by the topless girls.
Aries fell asleep in my arms. He had gotten fussy after Clarke fed him. I pulled him in and held him close, his cried stopped and he fell asleep. I loved how comforted he was by me. I loved being his father and that he was mine.
Clarke smiled as she ran a finger down his tiny cheek, "we should get him home."
My heart skipped a beat at the word home. I smiled as her mom sighed, disappointed we were leaving so soon. It was getting dark out.
"Thank you for dinner Abby. It was delicious," I kept my voice down. I didn't want to wake him. Clarke wrapped my jacket around him like a blanket and then hugged her mom tightly.
"I'm so glad you guys spent your day off with us. I've missed this," she sighed and pushed Clarke's hair off her shoulder, "I've missed you."
She smiled at her mom, "I missed you too mom."
Abby winked at me as she hugged me around Aries, giving him one last kiss, "you two behave. Thanks Bellamy. For bringing her home."
She always thanked me. I had nothing to do with her coming home. But I knew in a way my forgiving her so easily meant that she found her spot in camp once more. I smiled at Abby and kissed her cheek before Clarke opened the door and I stepped out into the evening air.
"When did he get so heavy?" I asked as we walked slowly together.
She laughed, "he is getting so meat on him. He's such a cute chubby baby. I love it."
We were quiet as we passed the center of our camp. No one else was out at this time. It was dead quiet, only the sound of our boots crunching the leaves could be heard. I sighed, slightly cold but I would survive. I wanted Aries to keep warm. He was all that mattered to me now.
"He loves you, you know," my voice was small as the air filled the space in front of my mouth. I wanted her to know that I did too. Not because she was helping me or because she loved my son.
But because I knew the girl she was before and after the mountain. I loved her despite all her flaws and pain.
Clarke laughed, "yeah. I know. He's the only person in this camp who looks at me and doesn't know the blood on my hands. He looks at me like people used to on the ark."
"Our hands Clarke. You didn't survive that mountain alone."
She nodded, "I hate that even more. That your hands are tainted like mine. I hate knowing you made a choice that big with me. It doesn't ease my pain. It makes it worse."
She unlocked her cabin and opened the door for me. I laid Aries down in his crib and turned to look at her. I waited, watching her pull her jacket off and hang it up. Then I sighed and shook my head. I wouldn't let her take the responsibility for what happened. We both pulled that lever, we both had people we were protecting inside that mountain.
We both had blood on our hands.
"It was my choice. Octavia, you. The 48. All of you meant too much to me to lose," I reached forward and held her face in my hands. I wouldn't let her turn away from me, "Clarke you have to forgive yourself. Life is too short to live with a hatred that big."
She nodded, "I know. It's easier to try and remember who I was, who I wanted to be, when I'm here with you and Aries. Thank you. For letting playing along with me."
I laughed and kissed her forehead as she hugged me tightly, "trust me princess you can play aunt Clarke for as long as you want. I need all the help I can get."
Clarke buried her face in my shirt and I felt like she had finally opened up since she had gotten back. I knew she needed time, we all needed time to heal from what happened on the mountain. But now that we were together, now that our camp was safe and we had a future ahead of us, maybe we could move on.
I knew after losing her if it came down to it I would choose her. I would always choose her and Aries. And maybe, just maybe I would get lucky one more time and she would choose me too.
