In My Veins

By: A.K. Hunter

Chapter Two

"And now all your love is wasted. Then who the hell was I?" - Birdy


Alexis Castle was not afraid of the dark.

At least, that's what she kept reminding herself on her trip home from the hospital. The dark isn't really scary. Darkness can't hurt you. People on the other hand... Fortunately, the subway station was only a few blocks away from her apartment.

Alexis glanced around, surveying people on the sidewalk, her fingers tightly wrapped around the can of pepper spray in her coat pocket. She didn't used to be so jumpy. And while her job made her painfully aware of the inherent evil in people, it wasn't the reason for her caution. Most of the bodies on her slab were crimes of passion, family members and friends caught in a moment of tragically poor judgment.

Alexis didn't worry about that. She knew she could trust her family and friends at the precinct.

Even when they acted like assholes.

She frowned, thinking back on Detective Ryan's cold behavior. She didn't know him as well as the others. She'd known Kate for years, and after the wedding last spring, Kate was more of a mother to Alexis than Meredith had ever been. Alexis had come to know Javier well through Lanie's stories, but Detective Ryan wasn't someone she had that "in" with. They'd talked a few times over the years, of course, and he had always been friendly, even charming on occasion, but she'd never seen him like this. So raw, so exposed. Though he tried to hide it, he'd seemed at wits end.

As frustrated as Alexis was with his unkind words, she believed Javier's assertion that Ryan hadn't meant it. What little she knew of Ryan proved that he wasn't truly a cold person.

A group of young men whistled at her as she passed. She quickened her steps, her hand closing tighter over the can of pepper spray. It had been a gift from her dad, given when she started college. Until recently, she'd never thought about using it.

There was a reason Alexis wanted to arm herself against unwanted attention, and the memory of it made her skin crawl. She shivered, trying not to dwell on unpleasant thoughts.

Long fingers wrapped around her arm from behind, and Alexis reacted instinctively.

She whipped around, spraying her attacker directly in the face. Her attacker was just as quick, bending her arm back until she relinquished her hold on the pepper spray. It happened in a matter of seconds.

Just as quickly as she was disarmed, her attacker let go crying, "Alexis! What the hell?!"

Alexis stumbled back a few steps, a scream lodged in her throat. She recognized that voice. "Detective Ryan?"

The detective was doubled over, furiously scrubbing at his eyes. Oh dear god. She'd just maced a cop. He glared up at her, his blue eyes all the brighter against the bloodshot capillaries. She rushed over to him.

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I didn't know it was you!" Her hands hovered over him, unsure of what to do. Was a pat on the back sufficient apology for macing someone?

Tears ran from Kevin's irritated eyes. "Who did you think it was? What, you just go around macing random people in the dark?"

Alexis bit her lip. "Not exactly."

He groaned in response. He clearly needed medical attention. Pepper spray wouldn't just wash out with water.

She took him by the arm. "My apartment is just around the corner. I have some wipes that should help your eyes."

Kevin snorted, "Yes, by all means let's go to the home of the woman who maced me in the face. Brilliant idea. You got a gun in there you want to 'accidentally' test on me too?"

Alexis rolled her eyes. Had he always been such a smart ass? She guided him into her building and up the stairs to her front door. Once inside, she led him over to the couch where he collapsed gracelessly, moaning in pain. So this was Detective Kevin Ryan, one of NYPD's finest, reduced to a common man. It was not a comforting sight.

"Just stay here for a minute. I'll go get the wipes." Alexis raced to her bathroom. She dug around in drawers and cabinets until she found what she was looking for. Like the pepper spray, the wipes had been a gift from her father. Castle worried about Alexis accidentally macing herself. Apparently it was a common mistake, one he had made multiple times. Alexis smiled at the memory.

"I found them!" She called from the bathroom.

Her victory was rewarded with a groan of pain. Alexis rushed back over to the couch, kneeling next to him.

"Give me the wipes," Ryan commanded, reaching blindly.

She swatted his hands away. "You've got pepper spray all over your hands. My hands are clean. Let me." She rested a hand against his jaw, using the other hand to gently wipe at his irritated eyes.

A sigh of contentment slipped through his lips. She smiled at the sound. After a minute or two of gentle ministrations, those same fingers wrapped around her wrists. "Thanks." His voice was rough. His bloodshot eyes met hers, looking grateful.

Alexis was suddenly aware of the way she was hovering over him, hands cupping his face, looking down into his eyes. "You're welcome."

For just a moment, her eyes drifted to his mouth, and then she backed toward the other end of the couch, placing the used wipes on the coffee table. "I'm so sorry, Detective Ryan. I swear I never would have done that if I had known it was you."

A small, rueful smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "Well, I wouldn't blame you if it was on purpose. I was a beast today. Do you mind if I use your bathroom? I need to wash the rest of this crap off."

Alexis pointed him in the direction she had just come from. "In there."

He quickly excused himself, closing the door behind him. Alexis exhaled loudly, shaking her head. She couldn't believe she had maced a cop. Of all the stupid things she'd done, this one had to take the cake. She was lucky she knew Ryan, or things could have been a lot worse.

For some reason, her mind kept playing over that moment when she hovered over him. How bright his eyes had been, and the way he stared up at her with parted lips. She cringed. He probably thought she was a huge dork. Maybe he was just hiding in her bathroom until backup came.

After about twenty seconds of waiting, she couldn't sit still any longer. "You want some tea?" She busied herself in the kitchen, not waiting for a response. A few minutes later, just as she was placing two mugs of tea on her coffee table, he walked back in.

"Oh thanks." Detective Ryan looked much better. His eyes were still rimmed in red, but he didn't seem to be in pain. He sat on the couch, a respectable distance away. "This is a nice place, Alexis. You live here by yourself?"

She handed him his mug of tea. "I have a roommate, Emma, but she spends most of her time with her boyfriend. She's not here very often, or at least not when I am. I've only been here a few months, but it's nice to have my own place. Dad and Kate are great of course, but I don't know, I just wanted my own space, to come and go as I please, you know." Alexis blushed, realizing that she was rambling.

A silence set in as they each sipped their tea.

"So, any new leads on the heart carver?" She asked, trying to find something to talk about.

Ryan sighed. "Not yet. We've looked down every avenue, but there's nothing remotely interesting about this guy. There's no discernible reason for him to die that way. At this point, we're just rechecking what we know and hoping that new evidence comes to light."

"That's so bizarre. I mean, whose life is actually that boring? Everyone has a skeleton or two in their closet." Alexis said.

"Exactly. Which is why we're rechecking everything. If there is a discrepancy in this guy's story, we'll find it." He smiled at her. "You've been a lot of help on this case, you know."

"Oh. Thanks. I'm glad to help."

The silence resumed.

"Again, I'm sorry about the..." Alexis gestured around her face.

Ryan eyed her with amusement, "It's fine Alexis. Don't worry about it." He took another sip. "This is good. What is it?"

"Chamomile with honey."

"Hmm."

"So, Detective Ryan-"

"Call me Kevin. I think accidental assault deserves a first-name basis."

Alexis blushed to the tips of her ears. "Okay, Kevin. What were you doing outside my apartment building?"

Kevin eyed her speculatively. "Well," he set down his tea. "I actually came by to apologize for the way I spoke to you today. I was frustrated with Javie and some other things that are going on, and I took that frustration out on you. I'm sorry. That's not fair."

Alexis just stared at him for a moment. He came all the way over to apologize?

"It's alright, Kevin. I know you didn't mean it." She bit her lip, then made a quick decision. "Are you okay?"

Kevin sighed, shaking his head. "No. I don't think I am."

Alexis reached over, resting a hand on his arm. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really." He glanced down at her hand, then frowned.

"Okay." She pulled away, picking up her empty mug. Alexis could read between the lines: Kevin wanted space. Space to deal with whatever was happening, away from all the questions and good intentions of those around him. She gestured to his half-empty mug. "Do you want more tea?"

"No. I'm fine, thanks."

She crossed to her kitchen, busying her hands in rinsing out her cup.

"Jenny gave me divorce papers."

Alexis almost dropped the mug. "What?"

Kevin laughed humorlessly. "Yeah." He rested his face in his palms, exhaling raggedly.

In an instant, Alexis was by his side. "What happened?" She caught herself, talking rapidly. "I'm sorry. It's none of my business."

"It's okay... Honestly, I'm not sure what happened. She said I'm gone too much, but... I really don't know. I guess I thought everything was fine, but I'm wrong. Everything isn't fine."

Alexis remember what Javier had said in the morgue. Apparently Ryan really had been away too much, and she could think of one clear reason for Ryan's workaholism. "Is it... I mean, do you think this has something to do with Sarah?"

Kevin's body instantly became rigid. His nostrils flared, but he seemed unable to talk.

Alexis spoke softly, her eyes cast down to the table. "It's not your fault, you know. SIDS is a mystery. No one knows what causes it."

Ryan bit his lip, then nodded. "Believe me, I know. Jenny and I have heard every variation of that phrase for the last eight months."

"I'm sorry," she whispered. She wasn't entirely sure what she was apologizing for, but she didn't know what else to say.

He cleared his throat. "Anyway, today Jenny showed up at the precinct and handed me the divorce papers. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, so I brushed it off, but Javie and everyone saw what went down, and they wouldn't leave me alone about it. So when you came out, I just kind of snapped." He finally looked her in the eye. "I'm the one who should be sorry."

For a moment Alexis saw the depth of his pain. It was deep enough to drown in. How could a person live with that much grief inside their body? Then the mask was back up, hiding his emotions.

"Well, I'd better go." He set down his mug. "Thanks for the tea." He paused. "And the pepper spray."

Alexis smiled softly. "Always."

He opened her front door.

"Oh, and Kevin?"

"What?"

"Happy Valentine's Day."

Kevin gave her a funny look, then smiled. "You too, Alexis."


Author's Note: There you have it. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please please please review. I've got this story all planned out, and we have a long way to go before it's finished. I'd love to get feedback on what's working and what needs work, so please let me know. Thanks for stopping by.