CHAPTER TWO

DOBBY'S GAY

The creature got an orgasm when he saw Harry.

"What the fuck are you?" said Harry.

"Dobby the house-elf," said the creature.

"Down on the fucking ground Dobby the dumbfuck!" said Harry. "Now bitch!"

Dobby sat down as an unequal.

"Dobby has heard of your bitch ass.…"

"I'm not even the top bitch at Hogwarts. Hermione —"

Hermione was a cunt.

"Harry Potter is a douche," siad Dobby. "Harry Potter boasts of fucking over —"

"Voldemort's hook ass," said Harry.

Dobby cringed.

"My friend, you are a bitch," said Harry. "I thought you were ever since I first saw your ugly ass face. My pussy ass friend Ron —"

Ron was a bitch ginger.

"Dobby will have to shut his dick in the oven door later. Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts."

"Fuck that shit," Harry said.

"If Harry Potter goes back to Hogwarts, he will be raped."

"Fuck me sideways," said Harry. "Voldemort again?"

Dobby shook his head.

"Dog lover!"

Dobby turned on Harry's wand sharpener, and proceeded to insert his dick with a wail.

Uncle Vernon came up.

Harry slammed Dobby's face through the wall.

"What — in — the — fuck — are — you — doing?" said Uncle Vernon. "You fucking ruined my gay joke you head dick.… Stop jerking off so loudly and shut the fuck up!"

He put his foot up Dobby's propped up ass and stomped away.

Harry pulled Dobby out.

"My friends don't even write to me," said Harry. "I've got to go back and fuck their shit up."

"Dobby stopped your letters —"

"You piece of dickshit."

Harry punched Dobby in the throat.

"Say you're gay!"

Harry stomped on Dobby's dick.

"Fuck you!" said Dobby.

Harry threw his limp body down the stairs into the kitchen.

"Say it —"

He levitated Aunt Petunia's pudding and dropped it on Dobby's head shattering the dish. Dobby vanished.

Uncle Vernon burst in.

"Just our resident homo — very retarded — meeting strangers gives him seizures, so we kept him away from public scrutiny."

An owl delivered a letter.

Dear Mr. Potter,

Further spellwork and we will fuck you upside down.

Yours sincerely,

Mafalda Hopkirk

IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE

Ministry of Magic

"You forgot to mention you weren't allowed to use magic outside school, you cocksucker," said Uncle Vernon. "Slipped your shit-for-sale mind.…"

He clocked Harry in his scar and threw him upstairs.

Uncle Vernon locked Harry up and fitted bars on his window.

Harry dreamed that he was in prison, with a card reading PRISON BITCH attached to his cell. He was dick riding a freckle-fucked, red-fucked, long-fucked someone.