I can't even begin to tell you how much your reviews meant to me. I am seriously not even going to try.

I know some of you would've probably loved to have seen Puck's or Finn's POV for this chapter but I chose Kurt on purpose. Mainly because Kurt, I believe, is the only one on the show who has even come close to the torture that Rachel endures. Also, in many other fics, Kurt is seen as Rachel's main antagonist, and I don't really believe he is. He's rude to her, of course, and he doesn't particularly care for her - but...I don't know. Kurt is very much an emotional person. He was the person I needed for the direct aftermath. Plus (sorry I'm rambling, but I really want to explain) he is just selfish enough that he won't be freaking out the whole time like Finn or Puck would. (on a very shallow level, my Kurt voice is awful and I wanted to get it out of the way as soon as possible.)

I don't really like Kurt as a person. He's a whiny little bitch most of the time and I just can't sympathize. Doing this chapter helped me do just that for Kurt, and I really love this chapter, even though it doesn't even come close to last chapter. The first chapter was just one of those once-in-a-lifetime inspirations. But I knew this story wasn't over when I started writing it, and I knew I wanted Kurt to do the hospital scene almost immediately after I was finished. Just to warn, there is talking in this one, with quotation marks and everything. Kurt's a damn talker, man, I couldn't shut him up. Okay, here we go.


When Finn shakes him awake that Sunday morning, Kurt already knows something has gone very, very wrong.

Chalk it up on a list of things he and Rachel Berry have in common that he should've paid attention to.


Kurt's never going to forgive himself.


Carole drives them to the hospital because his hands are pre-field goal jitters and Finn's crying so hard the Rover's frame is shaking.

The houses pass by in a blur and Kurt stares in wonderment at the dark windows. How can anybody be sleeping while Rachel Berry is dying?


How could this happen?


Oh, don't be naïve.


The hospital's a mess. Kids coming in with driving injuries and slight alcohol poisoning from the junior prom everywhere. Carole spots Puck sitting in a corner with Mr. Schue and lets out a choked little yell. Kurt understands. He's seen those two men in all levels of devastation - heartbroken, giving up their baby, divorcing the only woman they've ever loved.

Nothing compares to the look on their faces now.

Finn, whose balance has always been precarious at best, can barely walk now. Kurt has to bodily hold him up as they weave their way to Puck and Schue. He sits his almost-brother down in the chair next to his teacher while he takes the chair across from Puck.

Puck, whose hands are shaking. Puck, whose face is blanched white under the olive tone. Puck, whose eyes are wild, unseeing.


They're...they're never going to be the same, are they?


"Puck. Puck!"

"…what?"

"Where is she?"

"ICU. Stomach pump."

"Where are her dads?"

"Cincinnati."

"How is she?"


Puck goes silent. His hands still, his eyes close. She wasn't breathing. She wasn't breathing, Hummel.


She was there, in my arms, and she was cold, okay, fucking cold, and she was fucking dead, okay, and, and…


Puck shoots out of his seat and Kurt isn't surprised when Finn stumbles out of his seat to follow him down that long hallway with ICU emblazoned in letters that are too black. Too final.

After all, that is their girl.


Rachel wasn't-isn't his anything. Not even his friend.

The thing that kind of makes him want to die is the fact that he was-is hers.


Tina calls ten minutes later. She lives two houses down from Rachel and the noise from the policemen opening and slamming their doors has woken her up.


She is there in five minutes.


Kurt just needs a minute to stop and think. Its early. So early. Where's the coffee machine? Where's Rachel? Is he still in his pajamas? Is she going to be okay? What happened to Puck and Finn? What happened to her last night? They've been gone so long.


She's been gone so long.


God, this is getting ridiculous. He needs to think.


He and Tina start up the glee phone tree. First is Santana and Brittany,

(Santana (I'll be there in ten) has this weird calmness in her voice near the end)(Brittany (ohmyGod, ohmyGod!), in contrast, grows more and more hysterical)

then Artie,

(it takes five minutes (C'mon, T, stop playing around. This is Rachel.) for Tina to convince him that this is real)

Mike and Matt,

(And it's almost painful (W-wh-what?) when he hears the smile go out of Mike's voice)

And Mercedes.

(he chokes out Rachel over the phone and Mercedes stutters out a breath before hanging up.)

There's only one member left of the glee family - the one they never really let Rachel belong to - but Kurt can't press the numbers on his phone.


Quinn stands in front of them. "So. All those in favor of removing the solo-stealing succubus from our club?"

His hand shoots up without thinking twice.

Quinn smiles.


Brittany arrives first. She asks where Rachel is without preamble. At the sight of Brittany's crumpled-standing frame, Kurt gets angry for the first time. So like Rachel to act so selfishly, without thinking about how her actions would affect others.

He points in the direction of the hall, one pink finger jutting out from four others blazing white in their knuckle-clenching fury.

How could Rachel do this to them? Didn't she think at all about how this would make them feel?

Brittany stalks off. Tina asks what wrong. He opens his mouth to explain when the screaming starts down the ICU hall.


"What're you doing here?"

He and Tina are running. Brittany's hands are on Puck's chest.

"Why do you think you can be here?"

He's never seen Brittany so angry. He's never seen Brittany angry, period. He moves to place a hand on her shoulder and she slaps it away, rounding on him.

"You, too! You're not her friend, you hate her!"

Her finger is jabbing into his chest down, each word, each jab like a stab to his heart.

"I'm her friend!"

Jab.

"I'm her friend!"

Brittany's voice starts to shake. Her lip start to tremble. The finger poking at his chest closes into a fist that drops to her side, shaking.

"I'm her friend. I'm…her…"

Tan arms wind around the blonde's waist and Santana's there, smoothing Brittany's hair as the taller girl starts to sob.

"I'm…her…and she's…mine…and…and…"

A nurse, tall and stern, asks them to move to the waiting room, please.


Finn stays. He just won't leave the door to Room 135. Puck attempts to do the same, but acquiesces when Brittany grows hysterical again.

Mike, Mercedes, and Artie are waiting for them. Matt's coming from out of town, Mike supplies when Santana asks.

No one asks about Quinn.


Three hours later, when Brittany's sobs have subsided but Mercedes' have finally begun, when Santana has already excused herself and come back with bloodshot eyes, when Artie's hands on his wheels have gone so white a nurse stops to help him, when Matt has arrived, when Tina finally takes her eyes off of the hallway, Kurt's dad walks in with the fathers Berry.


The light is completely gone from their eyes.


Kurt is never going to forgive himself.


The dads ask Finn to get away from their daughter as nicely as they possibly can.


They gather the glee club around them. Kurt's dad's hand is supremely heavy on his shoulder as the two parents stand together before them with barely suppressed tears, fiddling with scraps of papers in their hands.

"These are for you guys. She wrote them. For you. There not very coherent, sometimes, because she had already started…but…this one, right here is for…Brittany?"

Brittany stands and retrieves her note. She stares at it a long moment before turning away and walking to the furthest possible chair in the waiting room.

And so it goes. The fathers squint and blink back tears as they call names (they shudder to a stop when they come across their own). Kurt stands on numb legs to retrieve his, staring blindly down at his own name in Rachel's waving scrawl.

Finn's is the longest. Mercedes' is the shortest. Puck refuses to take his.


That's admitting defeat. Rachel would fucking hate that.


Deep breath. Look around. Don't crush the paper.

Santana's hand is white-knuckled over her mouth. Artie's eyes are reading one line over and over. Matt's note is crumpled in the fist that the black boy is whispering prayers into. Mercedes' hands are over her ears, fighting off words only she can hear. Brittany, so far away, is destroyed. Everything is destroyed.

Burt leans in. Tells him he doesn't have to read it if he doesn't want to.

Deep breath. Look down. First line.


Kurt. You probably would've talked me out of this. If you cared. Which you don't. Never did. I don't know why you hated me. You were the one I always thought would understand me the best. But you don't. Never did.

I really hate that solo version of Defying Gravity, did you know that? It lacks the passion of the original. I always wanted to sing it with you, sing it with anyone. Cause that's what the song's about, really. Elphaba didn't want to leave Glinda behind. I didn't want to leave you, either.

Which I suppose I'm doing now.

Well I can go, and you can stay. 'I hope your happy. Now that you're choosing this.' I really do hope your happy in the end, Kurt.

I would tell you not to feel bad, but I don't want to lie here, so close to. To here. Wherever it is. I hope you feel horrible. I hope this haunts you. I hope you remember, Glinda.

Look towards the western sky!


The lines are blurring right before his very eyes. He is aware of Mercedes coming to sit beside him. She holds his hand for the first time since Quinn Fabray moved into her house. He doesn't realize how much he missed that smooth mocha reassurance until he is doubled over, crying into her lap.


Rachel Berry stabilizes. Rachel Berry tried to commit suicide. Rachel Berry breathes on her own. Rachel Berry wrote fifteen suicide notes.


He sits down next to her fathers.

"I'm Kurt. Rachel probably complained about me. More than once."

The fathers shake their head. Rachel just said he was very talented. Kurt's heart seizes.

"Well, she should've. Because I'm part of the reason Rachel's in there, sirs."

His father tries to pull him back, but Kurt leans further forward. "I need you to understand. I should've been her best friend. She…Rachel's bossy and abrasive and a little self-centered, and I'm sorry I'm saying this out loud when she's…just lying there, but…"

The others are staring at him now, straining forward to catch every word, to hear their own sins fall from someone else's lips.

"We were-are a lot alike, Rachel and me. She's so determined, you know, and I am too, and I just hated her so much because she was so unafraid to be whoever she wanted to be and I wasn't, I was terrified-"

One of her fathers, the white one with wire rims, looks very concerned for Kurt. The other, a formidable black one, has a look caught between anger and pity.

"I'm so sorry. I'm saying it to you, sirs, because I can't say it her-yet. But I just-do you understand? I was those pills. I was the pills. And I'm so sorry-"

He breaks off because that's all he can manage. He would give anything in the world to hear Rachel tell him it's alright. The room falls deathly quiet as the rest of the kids stare at him and the fathers, waiting for a reaction, any reaction.

Then - a step forward to his far left. A hand tucking blonde hair behind an ear. Brittany walks until she is right in front of the smaller father and then just - falls to her knees. Santana and Mike surge forward, but Brittany steadies herself, grabbing onto the man's hands.

"I'm Brittany," she breathes out. "You met me a coupla times when me and San - this is San, but that's Mike - we came over to your house. Rachel's my friend. I tried really hard to protect her, sir, and I'm really sorry I couldn't do it right."

The dad is shaking his head, mouth agape, but Santana is already talking.

"I'm Santana. I did really awful things to your daughter and my only excuse is that I relish being a bitch, which isn't really one. I'm sorry."

"I'm Tina…." "I'm Artie…." "I'm Finn, but you knew that…" "Mercedes, it's…nice to meet you…" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm so so sorry."

They speak, one by one, until it's down to Puck, who has not spoke since he left Rachel's doorway. He notices all eyes on him and opens his mouth to speak after a very long moment, but a doctor is bustling in, to tell them that Rachel Berry is coming around.


He stills hears Puck's words over everyone's relieved chattering.

"You might as well arrest me for murder."