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I loved him.
I think I still do.
I loved him and he turned away.
He shut me out.
He shunned me.
-
I was willing to stand by him.
Through thick and thin.
But he had to kill me.
He had to burst my bubble.
I told him of my affection.
He told me he loved me.
If he loved me.
Why did he turn away so suddenly?
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It was that damn camp.
It changed him.
He turned harder.
He became colder.
I could have seen through all that.
For deep inside he's still the same person.
He's a softie inside.
I know this.
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He chose the camp over juvie jail.
I would have done it as well.
Although, I would have written to those I claimed to love.
He didn't.
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He said to me he loved me.
He forgot about his girlfriend.
His girlfriend!
We were best friends.
Before that camp.
Before those people corrupted him.
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I sent him a letter at one time.
It read-
I don't know if you'll get this letter, it's going to the boons for gods sake!
I don't know if you'll shred this letter before reading it.
I don't know if you even care to read it.
I do miss you.
I wont get to sappy. I'll get to the point.
Do you remember before you left?
Do you remember when you swore to me that you'd write?
Well, i've waited months.
I've concluded that either you have forgotton me, or you just don't give a shit.
I'm still contemplating on which i'd rather it be.
Forgotton, Maria
He may have forgotton.
But I still remember.
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We were fifteen.
Only fifteen.
But it felt so right.
I knew he loved me then.
What happened?
Why did he abandon me?
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I remember the hugs.
The kisses.
The laughs.
Boy, could he make me laugh.
I loved his humor.
Dark humor they called it.
Others would have called him a smart ass.
I don't really care about them though.
-
I don't know if he still has that same sense of humor.
I haven't spoken to him since theweek he returned.
All I said then was Welcome Back.
All he said was Thanks, gotta go, bye.
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I wish he would have given me a sign.
To tell me he still cared.
But he didn't.
And he hasn't .
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Dammit.
I am so confused.
So hurt.
So alone.
-
Does he hurt as much as I do?
Was it hard for him to ignore me?
When we brushed by along the street?
Him surrounded by all the other friends?
-
They did it.
They changed him.
They stole him from me.
-
I sound like a jealous bitch.
I guess I am.
I mean, come on.
The love of my life left without a trace.
-
They say that love is the greatest adventure you shall ever have.
I wonder if what I feel really is love.
Or maybe it's just lust?
What if love is another pain then far greater what I feel now.
Then perhaps I wish to die alone.
-
He did not only bring me pain.
He showed me myself.
I am so gullible.
Weak.
Naive.
Helpless.
Foolhardy.
What more is there to say?
I am stupid.
I need a new life.
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I believed that love was everlasting.
I guess, in a way, deep down, I still believe that.
My mind tells me it isn't so.
But my heart.
My heart pulls and pulls, it compells me to believe.
In a way, I still believe that some day he'll come back to me.
-
Camp Green Lake killed him.
Metamorphosis is not always bad.
But I do miss who he was before.
I did after all, love him then.
Not that it matters anymore, all things considering.
I don't even know him anymore.
-
So I wait.
I wonder.
And wait.
I'm waiting for him to return to me.
Not that he ever will.
-
I'll wait as long as it takes.
For if true love is everlasting, then it shall never fade.
If this is love, I would wait a life time.
Even longer if possible.
Just for him to return.
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I miss you.
Return to me.
Alan.
Please.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
