Title: Clarity
Author: HandsThatHeal
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: M/NC-17 (For Future Chapters)
Summary: Three years after the plane crash, Callie and Arizona have reconciled their differences and are now the happiest they've even been. With their relationship now stronger than ever, will the necessary presence of a face from the past tear them apart? Will their marriage stand up to life's latest tragedy or will they find that they are in the exact same position they were years before?
Disclaimer: All television shows, books, movies, songs, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work and the characters, events, and settings thereof are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Chapter Two
Callie stared out ahead of her, her sullen eyes blankly looking at nothing in particular as Arizona pushed her wheelchair closer and closer to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit of Grey+Sloan Memorial Hospital.
The brunette couldn't believe this was happening again; she'd made this exact same journey five years prior and, she currently was no more prepared this time than she was the time before.
She felt terrible. Her stomach churned, and her head ached; her entire body felt heavy and fatigued. She was anxious to meet her brand new baby girl but, as her heart pounded deafeningly in her ears, she swallowed hard, sure she was about to empty the contents of her stomach all over herself and onto the hospital's institutional tiled floor.
Moving her arms as quickly as she possibly could, she harshly gripped the padded arms of the wheelchair, clenching her eyes shut in a desperate attempt to force the world to stop spinning around her. Feeling the bile rise in her throat, she swallowed hard before somehow managing to speak. "Stop, Arizona. Please. Just. . .wait," she pleaded, her voice only loud enough for her wife to hear as her throat constricted with nausea and panic. "Just. . .just a sec. . ."
Arizona immediately halted their forward movement, one hand coming to rest on her wife's shoulder who immediately reached up to grasp at it for support.
Arizona then leaned forward, wrapping her free arm around the brunette's chest as her lips came to rest near her ear. "It's okay, Callie. I'm here. I've got you," she softly spoke before resting her own cheek against a clammy one as she continued to tightly hold on to her wife. "I'm here, and I'm not going to let anything happen to you. . .or Olivia. Okay?" she spoke, hoping her gentle mantra would help calm her wife's tumultuous nerves.
Callie gasped for air, the deep pressure of Arizona's hug and the unwavering certainty she heard in her voice doing little to comfort her. "I. . .she. . .I'm scared, Arizona. I want to see her so much, but I-I'm scared."
Without losing contact with Callie's upper body, Arizona stepped to the side of the chair so she could make eye contact with her wife and, forcing the crying brunette to look at her with a gentle hand, she sighed. "There's nothing to be afraid of. Olivia looks perfect. There's a hat on her head. There are all the usual tubes and wires, but she's. . .she's beautiful, Calliope. Beautiful."
Callie anxiously searched Arizona's eyes and, finding nothing but complete honesty in those cerulean depths, she reached out, pulling her wife into a clinging embrace as she took her time to gather the strength she was certain she was going to need.
Arizona whispered reassurances into Callie's ear, continuing to hold her as she breathed deeply; inhaling in through her nose and then exhaling out through her mouth and, when she felt her wife's breathing return to a normal rate and speed, she gently kissed her cheek though she continued to hold her close. "You ready now?" Arizona asked without any intention of letting her go.
Callie opened her mouth to speak but, finding that her throat had gone completely dry, she only nodded her head, leaning her face more firmly into her wife's.
When the brunette finally seemed to relax, Arizona slowly stood back up before once again gripping the handles of the wheelchair to navigate it the remaining distance.
After donning pink isolation gowns, they entered the eerily quiet room, dark brown eyes quickly scanning the area in search of her new little bundle of joy. As movement to her left caught her attention, Callie's eyes worriedly landed on an incubator surrounded by Doctors Alex Karev, Addison Montgomery, and Derek Shepherd. Certain that had to be the one, she sighed as Arizona moved them in that direction.
"So far, her skull has compensated for the growth of her brain, but as she grows, her head will become more and more misshapen. Increased intracranial pressure caused the seizure, but the Mannitol and hyperventilation should manage the symptoms. The coronal suture. . ."
A hand on his arm and the clearing of a throat behind him halted Derek Shepherd in midsentence and, turning around, his already tired features appeared even more exhausted when he saw the look on Callie's face. Quickly composing himself, he managed a slight smile as he looked between the blonde and the brunette before stepping aside so Callie could get her very first look at the child who had grown within her body for the past eight months.
As she scanned the clear plastic of the incubator walls, a choked breath left Callie's throat at her first glimpse of the new baby girl who lay with a pink beanie atop her head, various tubes and wires connected to her minute form. A worried, but relieved smile tugged at her lips even as tears began to streak down her face, a trembling hand quickly reaching into the infant warmer's hand hole to caress a miniature arm.
Leaning down, Arizona kissed Callie's temple, blue and brown eyes never leaving the baby's angelic face. "I told you she was beautiful," the blonde stated, wrapping her arms around her wife from behind.
"She's gorgeous, Arizona," Callie softly spoke, her voice cracking through her tears and, as the other doctors standing above them continued to talk, Callie and Arizona felt the rest of the world fade around them, their only focus now the tiny life lying before them.
They found themselves mesmerized; Olivia was breathtaking, just as miraculous as Sofia, but unfortunately, they were both very aware that looks could be so very deceiving. She was their baby, though; a new little life for them to love and to cherish and, though their minds raced with thoughts of what needed to be done, the sight of their daughter was enough to give them hope.
(Flashback: One Year Ago)
Sitting down on the side of the bed with her back to her wife, Arizona slipped off her prosthesis, leaning it against the wall as she dropped the white cotton sleeve to the floor.
Swinging her lower half onto the mattress, she then pulled the blankets up over her legs, diligently folding over the top of the sheet to rest on her lap. Glancing sidelong to her right, she sighed as she watched Callie continue to read through the People Magazine she held in her hands.
This was crazy.
Callie's silence was killing her.
The brunette had said very little since she and Sofia had admittedly bombarded her with the news of their want for another child, insisting they talk of Sofia's antics in day care instead.
While Callie did later relent that they would talk about the possibility of a new baby later that evening, she had mentioned nothing more on the subject since.
Scanning her wife's profile, Arizona only allowed her to remain silent for a moment longer before wrenching the magazine from her hands and tossing it over the side of the bed. "I know I probably shouldn't have brought it up in front of Sofia, but she asked me the other day if she could have a baby brother or sister and, ever since then, that's all I've been able to think about."
Callie didn't turn toward her wife, nor did she speak, choosing instead to gaze downward to where her hands were now clasped together and resting in her lap. Clearing her throat, she then sighed before drawing her bottom lip into her mouth as she continued to listen to Arizona speak.
"You should have seen her today. She was so cute helping me get everything ready for dinner. She picked the roses out herself and even insisted we have your favorite pizza. She's just so amazing, Callie. So smart and so beautiful. She's headstrong and has such a wonderful personality, and it would be such a shame to not try to duplicate that."
The brunette's head remained bent, the tips of her right thumbs and fingers absentmindedly toying with the wedding ring on her left hand.
"Are you really just going to sit there?" Arizona then asked, her tone full of exasperation. "You promised we'd talk about this later, Calliope, and now is later, so. . .can we talk about this? Can we have a conversation?"
"Yes," Callie finally answered, her head popping up and turning in her wife's direction.
Arizona immediately halted in her rambled speech, questioningly searching Callie's face. "Yes, what?" she asked, scrunching her brow in confusion. "Yes, we can have a conversation? Yes, now is later? Yes. . ."
"Yes, to all of it," she softly admitted. "But mostly, yes. . .we can have another baby."
A shocked, but ecstatic grin slowly worked its way onto pink lips. "Really?" Arizona asked, her crooked grin soon morphing into a full-blown super magic smile.
"Really, Arizona!" Callie exclaimed, completely unable to keep up the indifferent charade she'd been exuding or to contain her happiness for a moment longer. "I absolutely want to have another baby with you."
Arizona leaned forward, her lips immediately attaching to plump ones in a hard kiss as she harshly tugged at the front of Callie's shirt to pull her impossibly closer to her. But pulling back much too soon for Callie's liking, the blonde quickly began to ramble. "This is awesome! Sofia will be such an amazing big sister and, if it's okay with you, I'd really like you to carry this baby, too. Neither of us is by any means old, but you are younger than me, a-a-and I know we've never really discussed this, but it's very important to me that Sofia have a biological sibling. Not for any reason other than possible medical issues, but really, why mess with perfection, anyway? You know?" she coyly added as she leaned over the side of the mattress to grab a blue binder from beneath the bed. "I was really, really hoping you'd say yes, so I've done some research. We can. . ."
"Arizona, please. Take a breath," Callie interrupted with a chuckle. "Just slow down."
Taking her eyes off the information she held in her hands, the blonde tipped her head to the side, sheepishly regarding her smiling wife. "It's just. . .we didn't do it this way the first time around, and I want to be prepared for anything and everything. I want us to do the necessary research so we can make intelligent decisions. I want to have all the facts so when we're ready, we'll know."
Callie tilted her own head to the side to meet her wife's sparkling azure gaze and, grasping two ivory hands, she leaned forward to gently caress Arizona's lips with her own. Pulling back only slightly, she spoke against moist lips. "Trust me, sweetie. We'll be ready, and we'll know."
Two hours after Callie had been wheeled into the NICU to meet Olivia for the very first time, Arizona now sat alone with their daughter, ivory fingers gently caressing the darker caramel skin of the baby's hand. "Hey there, Olivia. Remember me? We met earlier. I'm your momma. I'm the one who's been talking to you nonstop for the past eight months," she softly cooed as she ran the pad of her thumb over a tiny fist. "Your Mami wanted to stay longer, but she's not feeling so great today, baby girl. She's had a pretty rough day, so Dr. Montgomery took her back to her room to nap with your big sister, Sofia. You haven't met Sofia yet, but you just wait. She's the best. . .and you're already so much like her. I'm so in trouble when it comes to you, your Mami, and your sister. There's no way I'm ever going to be able to resist those magical brown eyes the three of you have."
Arizona paused in her soothing monologue and, as if on cue, tiny squinted eyes opened to reveal beautiful chocolate irises before once again falling shut. "A few years ago, I told your Mami I didn't want to have babies, but then your sister was born, and my entire world changed. From the moment I heard her tiny little heartbeat, I realized I'd been so very wrong. And now, I have you, and I have Sofia, and I have absolutely no idea what I'd do without either of you," she softly spoke as she watched the baby's chest rise and fall with every breath.
"I'm so sorry, Olivia. I feel like this is all my fault. I should have seen something on your ultrasounds or taken better care of your Mami. I should have done more. . ." Arizona trailed off as the tears she'd desperately been trying to hold back brimmed in her eyes, threatening to spill forth down her cheeks. "I'm not sure why stuff like this keeps happening to your Mami and me, kiddo. Just when things start looking up for us, something else happens. But, you know what? I've had enough. This is where I draw the line," she choked out, smiling through her tears when Olivia's hand grasped her finger and held on. "I know things seem pretty rotten right now, but don't worry, baby girl. We're going to get through this. I've already started making plans, and your Mami and I are going to do everything in our power to make sure this all turns out okay. You're going to be the one thing your mom and I get right the first time around. You're our light. . ." Arizona paused again, wiping at her face that was now wet with moisture. "I love you so much, Olivia. You, Sofia, and your Mami are my entire world, and I'm not going to let anything else happen to my girls."
(Flashback: Seven Months Ago)
Arizona sat on the playroom floor of the new house she had now shared with her wife and daughter for the past four months, softly encouraging Sofia to practice writing her name. "Nice job, little miss. Let's go over it one more time," she encouraged as she tapped a pencil against the page.
The little girl smiled as she once again began printing her name across the widely ruled paper, her tongue peeking out from between her lips as she proceeded with the utmost concentration. "S-O-F-I-A. . .T-O-R-R-E-S," she spoke as she meticulously crafted letter after letter in a large, bubbly font.
Momentarily inspecting her work, she then looked up at her mother with a satisfied toothy grin.
Arizona couldn't help but return her daughter's smile with a proud one of her own as she held up the sheet for closer inspection. "You're so going to kick Kindergarten's butt, big girl," she teased before leaning forward to wrap her arms around Sofia. "This looks amazing!"
Sofia giggled as Arizona began to tickle her ribs, kicking and squealing in an attempt to evade her mother's wandering hands. "Momma! Stop! Please! That tickles!" she giddily exclaimed, her breathless pleas only causing Arizona to further amp up her joyous assault.
Stepping into the room's doorway, Callie smiled as she watched her two favorite people in the entire world happily wrestling. She absolutely couldn't get enough of the mere sight of her wife and daughter doing anything together and couldn't help but chuckle softly when the small chair Arizona was seated upon suddenly tipped backward, the blonde's arms flailing at her sides before her back hit the floor with Sofia rambunctiously landing in a heap on top of her.
"Gotcha, momma!" the child happily exclaimed as she began to return the tickle treatment on her mother whose boisterous laughter filled the room as small hands went to work at her sides.
"How's the handwriting coming along?" Callie interrupted as she made her way further into the brightly painted playroom to pick up the toppled chair and set it back on four legs.
Sofia immediately bounced off her mother when she heard Callie enter the room and, quickly grabbing her previously discarded paper, she excitedly held it up for her Mami's inspection.
Taking the thin sheet from her daughter's insistent hand, the elder Latina scanned it, pursing her lips in concentration. "Hmm. . ." she began, her index finger tracing over the penciled letters that looked unmistakably like a juvenile version of her own handwriting. Smiling, she returned the paper to waiting hands. "Looks perfect, big girl. Kindergarten won't know what hit it!"
"Yay!" Sofia exclaimed before jumping up into Callie's arms nearly knocking her over.
Finding her footing, the brunette reached out to help her wife up off the floor. "I need to run to the store to grab some things for tomorrow. I told the teachers I'd make Bruschetta for Italian Day at day care. You girls want to join me?" she asked, setting Sofia back down onto the floor.
Arizona stood up, straightening her disheveled clothing. "What do you think, little miss? You want to go with Mami?" she asked, leaning over to tidy the mess of pencils, paper, and markers that haphazardly lay strewn across the small table in the middle of the playroom.
Sofia seemed to ponder her mother's question, but a mischievous smile quickly found its way onto her face. "Can we get ice cream, too?"
Arizona looked toward Callie in question. "What do you think, Mami? Can we get ice cream, too?"
Callie rolled her eyes at her wife and daughter who both stood with their bottom lips protruding in identical and ridiculously cute little pouts. Shaking her head at the sight, she let out an exaggerated sigh. "How can I possibly say no to either of you when you look at me like that?"
A half hour later, Callie navigated their Lexus SUV into the market's parking lot, her eyes scanning the area for an available parking space as Sofia loudly sang 'Let It Go' from the backseat.
Glancing left and then right, the brunette finally saw just what she was looking for.
"There's one, Callie," Arizona informed from the passenger's seat, pointing to the left, though Callie quickly turned the vehicle right.
"This one's good," the brunette replied as she removed the keys from the ignition and unfastened her seatbelt.
Arizona reached across her body to do the same, but glancing out the front window, a parking sign in front of her caught her attention.
STORK PARKING - FOR NEW AND EXPECTANT MOTHERS
Straightening up in her seat, the blonde glanced across the car toward her wife. "You can't park here, Callie," she contended, turning to the rear of the car to make sure Sofia was still securely latched in her booster seat.
A megawatt smile lit the brunette's features as she took in the confused look on Arizona's face. Opening her door, she quickly exited the car, but turning back around, she greeted her wife with a mischievous wink. "Actually, Arizona. . .I can park here."
Arizona wearily trudged through the halls of the hospital, making her way from the NICU toward Callie's room. Entering the elevator, she pressed the button necessary to get her to her wife's floor before stepping back to lean against the wall, her eyes falling shut as she let out a defeated breath.
She was exhausted; the kind of fatigue that she could feel deep down in her bones as if she hadn't slept in weeks, and the worst of it was that she knew this feeling was most likely only going to get worse.
Shaking her head, she opened her eyes when the bell alerted her that the lift had carried her to her destination, and she soon found herself standing directly outside Callie's room. Peering in through the window's glass, she noted that her wife wasn't sleeping like she should have been, her watery brown eyes instead gazing off to the side of the room as her left hand errantly stroked the hair at the top of a sleeping Sofia's head.
Needing to be as composed as possible before she spoke with her wife, Arizona momentarily stood outside the door, intently watching Sofia's chest rise and fall as she napped. Breathing deeply, she laboriously plastered a smile on her face before finally stepping into the room.
Callie's head immediately turned upon seeing movement outside the door, her free hand quickly wiping the remnants of fallen tears from her ashen face. "How is she?" she softly asked as she watched Arizona take the seat next to her bed.
The blonde nodded her head as she rubbed her hands up and down her denim clad thighs, her smile faltering slightly at the despondent look in her wife's eyes. "She's good. No change, but she's good. She's sleeping," she disjointedly replied as she pulled the blanket down to cover one of Sofia's legs that had escaped its warmth. "She reminds me so much of Sofia, Callie," she added as an afterthought in an attempt to somehow lighten the mood.
Sighing, Callie adjusted herself, wincing slightly at the twinge of pain she felt in her abdomen along the line of her new surgical incision.
Once she found a more comfortable position, she searched Arizona's face, their eyes locking as she did. "I keep going over and over in my head where I went wrong. I tried so hard. I didn't want to repeat what happened with Sofia. I-I-I was so careful. No caffeine. No junk food. I took it as easy at work as I possibly could. I even drank your terrible kale and apple juice smoothies every single morning, Arizona, but yet. . ." she trailed off, her entire body beginning to shake as she allowed herself to dissolve into an unrelenting fit of tears.
Arizona immediately stood up, leaning down to gather the broken woman into her arms, careful not to jostle the sleeping child at her side. "You didn't do anything wrong. You did everything right. We did everything right. This was out of our control, we. . ."
"I'm so tired of things being out of our control!" the brunette instantly spat in anger and fatigue, though she continued to cling to her wife who staunchly refused to let her go.
"I know, baby. I know," Arizona tried to soothe, though her voice cracked as she spoke.
"Why does this always happen to us? Why? Why can't I ever get anything right? Why does everything always have to be so fucking hard? Why do I always screw everything up?" she cried, her sadness and despair completely melting away the filter between her brain and her mouth, causing her to curse in front of their thankfully sleeping five-year-old. "I just want us to be happy, Arizona. That's all I've ever wanted. . ."
Arizona found herself at a complete loss for words; that was all she'd ever wanted as well but, for some reason, happiness never came easy for them. There was always an uphill battle they had to fight against and, with tears in her eyes and her heart breaking at the sight of her wife in such anguish and torment, she said the only thing she possibly could. "Olivia's going to be fine, Calliope. I need you to believe me when I tell you that," she earnestly insisted as she pulled back to quickly wipe at her dampened face before leaning back in to hold her sobbing wife. "I'm going to make sure nothing happens to her. I'm going to fix this, and I'm going to make sure she's happy and healthy. I'm not going to let anything happen to our girl."
Arizona's words only made Callie cry harder, her tears wetting Arizona's sweater as she sobbed into her shoulder. This was so much like her wife; she always attempted to bear all the hurt and all the pain while trying to make things right but, unfortunately, she knew that in this instance, Arizona's steadfast persistence wasn't going to be enough.
"We can't hide from this, Arizona. You know what that's done to us in the past. We can't just pretend everything's going to be alright. We can't. . ."
The blonde pulled back so she could look into tearful brown eyes. "I know that, Callie. . .I know. But, I mean it when I tell you we're going to figure this out. We're going to talk about it and research and make all the right decisions, and we're going to do it together. We're going to speak with the best surgeons we can find, and we're going to be honest with each other so we can do what's right for our baby."
Callie fearfully searched Arizona's face and, finding nothing but sheer determination, love, and devotion written across her every feature, she felt a calm suddenly fill her soul. Wiping at her eyes, she cleared her throat as she squeezed her wife's hand. "I'm so scared, Arizona. Not just about the baby, but about. . .us. We. . .we're. . ."
"We're going to be just fine," Arizona quickly interrupted, not wanting to even consider the toll or the negative repercussions this latest tragedy could potentially have on their marriage. "We learned our lesson a long time ago, and we can do this. We're stronger than we've ever been, and I have faith in us," she insisted as she held tightly to tanned hands. "Don't you?"
Worried brown eyes quickly met questioning blue and, with a nod of her head, Callie earnestly spoke. "Of course I have faith in us, Arizona. I'm just so emotional and confused. I can't even think clearly enough to figure out what we need to do. Where do we even start? How long do you think we should wait until her first surgery?"
Realizing that this conversation needed to be had sooner rather than later, Arizona was hesitant due to Callie's current state but, with a sigh, she finally relented that now was probably as good a time as any.
"We'll have to talk with everyone involved, but I think we should schedule the first surgery for a couple weeks from now. Her brain is going to continue to grow, and we need to give it some room to prevent any more seizures or further malformation of her skull," Arizona quietly informed, her eyes never straying from the brown ones staring back at her.
"So who do we need? Neurosurgery, Peds, Ophthalmology. . ." Callie asked, her attention quickly transitioning from her initial despair to focus on the very important task at hand.
Arizona worried her bottom lip between her teeth as she considered her words. "Alex and Derek wouldn't let me near Olivia when she was first delivered, and while Bailey was finishing up with you, I immediately started doing some research. I just couldn't sit and do nothing, you know? I just. . .I had to have something to do," she worriedly explained as a tear escaped her eye. "And yes, we'll need all of those specialties, but what's most important is deciding exactly who we want. We need to agree on whom to contact."
"I want the very best, Arizona. Nothing but the best," Callie quickly insisted, once again wiping at her cheeks. "And if we can't get the best of the best here at this hospital, then we'll get them from somewhere else."
Arizona's exhausted blue eyes immediately fell to their joined hands upon hearing Callie's words, her thumb fidgeting with the wedding band encircling her wife's left ring finger.
Looking back up at the woman she loved, she smiled a watery smile. "Derek is clearly the best neurosurgeon, and I've taught Alex everything I know, so as long as it's okay with you, I'd really like for them to continue with Olivia's care."
Callie nodded her head. "Of course, Arizona," she agreed as she watched her wife's eyes once again fall to the ring she proudly wore on her left hand. "We'll have anyone and everyone we need on standby just in case. I don't care how much it costs or who we have to get. Whatever or whoever we need, we're going to find, because I'm not going to let anything happen to her, Arizona. I just can't," she continued, her determination gradually shining through.
Arizona once again smiled at her wife, happy to see the despondency she'd been greeted with upon entering her room quickly beginning to fade away, making way for that fierce and tenacious perseverance she'd fallen in love with years before.
Callie was about to return her wife's smile with one of her own, but just before she could, Arizona once again looked down at their joined hands.
Reaching out to tuck back stray hair that had escaped the blonde's messy ponytail, Callie's face fell. "What else, Arizona. What aren't you telling me?" she softly asked, causing misty blue eyes to flick back up to meet her own.
"We, uh. . .we're going to need another surgeon. The very best. . .and I can make a few calls, but from the research I quickly did today, it looks like she. . ."
"Who?"
Arizona sighed; she couldn't even believe the words were about to come out of her mouth. "Derek and Alex are the best, but we're also going to need the very best. . ."
"Who else, Arizona? Who else do we need?"
Arizona swallowed hard, desperately wanting to run and hide from this harrowing situation they had been presented with. "We. . .we'll need a specialist, Calliope. The very best. . .craniofacial specialist we can find."
Callie flinched upon hearing her wife's response, the little color currently tinting her sallow face, completely draining to nothing more than a sickly grey.
"We need. . ."
"Don't say it, Arizona. Just don't."
"Calliope. . ."
"No, Arizona. Just. . .no."
