Peter,
The name I used to doodle on post-it's in the factory, the word I used to call out with so much love, the name that made my heart skip a beat every time it was mentioned.
But now all I feel is hurt and confusion and hatred.
Until now, the only thing that ever made me feel this way, was the rape. I had never felt so dirty and used, by a man I knew so little about and yet so much. I could never erase the sensation of his cold fingers against my skin, his tight, forceful grip on my arms. It left me so empty, so torn and so vulnerable. To the extent that I couldn't trust another person again. I was forever in fear of betrayal. Except for you.
You made me promises, you told me that I could trust you, put my faith in you. I opened up to you, I let the mask slip in front of you. Forget that, I let the mask shatter into millions of pieces. I taught you about my past, my terrifyingly dark and deceiving past. The past which no one would ever understand, or believe. But you did. At least I thought you did.
So where have all these empty promises gone? The assurance that you would protect me no matter what? The certainty that we could last forever? The talk of the future, our children, the children I never wanted until I met you?
You robbed me of that trust, you built the walls around me, securing me, before knocking them straight back down. Leaving me more vulnerable and alone than I have ever been. Why do it Peter? Why pretend you loved me so much? You could have stayed with Leanne, lived happily ever after, not trailed me along with her, as a bit on the side, as your second relationship. Then, when you firmly assured me that nothing would ever happen between us, when I finally got over you, you come crawling back to me. Declaring your love for me, making me weak again, playing with my gullibility until it made you as strong as you could be.
The future we spoke about was nothing but a deluded dream. The years we envisioned together lasted nothing but a second, in proportion to what you made me believe in.
You didn't hurt me enough last time, so instead you decided to play again and I fell for it. I fell into the harsh embrace of your arms, thinking I was safe there, but discovering that actually it was toxic. You were toxic. Unfortunately Tina couldn't see that. She was a stupid little girl just like me, who couldn't see through you.
After all this time, I've meant nothing. After all the promises, that were empty words. I feel disgusted in myself for ever believing you. I feel so used and broken. Left with nothing but pieces of lost hope.
I miss you. That will never change. It takes everything to not crumble every time I see you walk past me. Every time I turn to see your face. I don't fall in love easily, but when I do, I fall fast.
And I will never stop loving you Peter. I hope you know that. I hope you know how much you have taken from me, how much pain I feel in this second.
But most importantly, I hope you'll be happy, because as much as I hate you for it. It's better for one person to be happy, than neither of us.
Carla.
This wasn't a request but I wanted to do this as a release for my emotions right now. Hope you like it and again, review and suggestions you might have and thanks to those who already have xx
