NOTE: See first chapter for warnings and A/N's. I also forgot to mention that this is unbetead, so any and all mistakes are my own. Also, thank you to StaryCowGirl for the review. I appreciate it. I actually had this chapter written before you commented, but I hope this still meets what you were hoping for. This is technically the last chapter of the story, but as aforementioned, I have one more coming out that is in a completely different style, and is just extra, tomorrow. I'd be interested to see what you guys think of it. Those are the reports/transcripts mentioned here.
Reviews keep me going, and let me know if my stories are any good.
If you could spare a moment, please let me know what you think.
Enjoy.
Sam
It's been a whole year since it went down. The gates, I mean.
I found your letter in my duffel the night that I got back from the area. And you're right. I hate you. I hate you so much it hurts. I've never been the type of person to wear my heart on my sleeve, but goddamnit Sammy, you are the smartest yet most stupid person I have ever met. I loathe you for what you did, and I think I always will. Some part of me, at least.
Because now I no longer have a brother.
I don't have someone to annoy me about my obnoxious tunes in the Impala, or the wretched smell of extra onions I always put on the burgers I make in the bunker's culinary joint. I don't have my geeky sidekick to tell me off about things I've researched wrong on a hunt, or instruct me on a voodoo spell I want to try out for fun.
I miss you so much, Sam, and I can barely hold on.
I know why you did it, of course. Not going to lie, if the situations are reversed, I probably would've done it too. I really wish you could've seen what you did. The world...it's great. Metatron, the douche angel, locked up heaven at the same time you closed the gates. You know what that means? Peace.
No more angel vs. demon wars, or late-night dangerous hunts. The rest of the monsters have gone into hiding—what little there is left. You affected everything so much and saved so many lives it's unreal.
You'd be happy to know I'm slowly pulling myself away from hunting. The less supernatural there is out there, well, the less hunters there need to be. Castiel has gone off to do god knows what, but I think he understood I needed a lot of space after you died.
You died.
God, that's just such an inscrutable concept.
We've been together so long...survived so much….I guess I just figured you'd always be there by my side, y'know? Don't you dare laugh at me in heaven about getting poetic, but, you spend your whole life with someone, protecting them, shielding them, loving them, your mind starts to tell you that they're always going to be by your side. You envision growing old together, enjoying life, going to the coast for vacation.
And then they're gone.
My point is, I always just guessed that you would be with me until we both died, together. I wish to hell I was right.
Why us, man?
You never asked for all of this; I never asked for all of this. We're just two innocent people who got put in shitty situations, and couldn't figure out a way to climb out of that hole.
I was never going to write this letter to you. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was way too fragile back then, getting wasted at bars and picking fights I knew I couldn't win (without my little brother). Then, I began growing attached to Reagen. I can just see you jumping up and down in happiness at this; stop it, bitch, and let me explain.
She's helped me a lot. I originally met her when I was walking home drunk from a bar, and I stumbled into her. Things grew from there, and eventually we got really close. She knows about you. She's known about the hunting life since she was a child, in fact, just like us. What are the odds?
She respects you a lot, despite never knowing you. Sam, a lot of people respect you. You've saved this pitiful, spinning piece of trash plenty more times than necessary for one dude, and it's not gone unnoticed. In fact, she's the one who encouraged me to write this letter. With a little pep talking, she managed to get me to sit down at the computer.
And here I am.
Sammy, I don't know what to do without you. I'm trying to live for you, but it's getting harder each day. The guilt is crushing me, and I can't breathe sometimes it's so heavy.
There's a lot of things we needed to talk about that we never got around to, and I'm hoping this letter can bring some closure, perhaps. I always denied you chick-flick moments, but now I've never wished for one more.
First off...knowing that you tried to commit suicide not more than 100 feet away from me without my knowledge is...I don't even know what it is. When I initially read that part of your message, I had to stop and recollect myself. I didn't touch your letter for another three days. I was too scared to see how many times I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most—how many times I had screwed up so badly.
I don't hate you for what you did to Bobby, and I'm sure he wouldn't care that much, either. If he did, it'd be forgotten in a grand total of thirty seconds. It's Bobby, kiddo. He could never hate you. You had a valid reason, anyway, even if I disagree wholeheartedly with the decision.
I also need to say this. All those things that you did back in 2009, with Ruby and Lilith and the apocalypse...sure, I was pissed as hell at you for what you'd done. Unbelievably angry. But it was misplaced; none of it was truly at you—it was at the sons of bitches who'd caused all this. I don't blame you for what happened. None of it. And knowing what went down between you and Ruby...what you did...I'm sorry I never understood.
Those transcripts were very difficult to read.
One thing that I wish so hard for is for you to be here and hear me say is this: that voicemail was never me. I read the transcript you included. It wasn't me. Not at all. Never would I have called you those things, and never would I have promised to kill you. Whether it be Ruby or that dick Zachariah that screwed with the message, we'll never know. But just know this: the message I sent you? I had some real 13 year-old drama crap in there. I could've been in one of those corny "sad" relationship movies and made millions of dollars.
I told you that we were still brothers. And no matter what was thrown our way...we'd get past it. Together.
I'm sorry you never got to hear those words come out of my mouth. Ever.
I should've said them more often.
I wish I had.
And you know what, Sam? Fuck you. Why in the hell did you not tell me about Mystery Spot? I couldn't handle the information? That's bullshit and you know it. I would've helped you, just like I had done that one night at Stanford. But I suppose I can't blame you.
You say you're the selfish one, when in reality, you're the most altruistic person ever born.
I wish I had been there for you all those times you were struggling. Telling you to leave...to go away forever and that we were better off apart? I never forgave myself for it. What I saw in 2014 changed my perception of things. I just apologise I was too late in seeing everything for what it was.
And what Lucifer did...since you were honest with me I'll be honest with you. I know exactly what you're talking about, to the extent of my own Hell. Taking you in every imaginable way...it's torture. But more than 5,000 years? That's...I can't even begin to comprehend that in my mind.
I never will be able to.
Words cannot describe the apologies I want to come out of my mouth for Amelia, as well. I know you never stopped looking for me. I just wanted an easy explanation for why you were with a girl instead of saving me—an outlet for that anger. I had to be mad at something, and you were the closest punching bag.
I don't remember much of anything I said under the penny's influence, but I can tell you this: it was shit. All of it. None of it was true, and I don't give a rat's ass about what I spout out. You say I was right, but I could never be more wrong. There were so many problems between us that it took the closest ones and amplified them into something more. Such as Doctor Ellicot 8 years ago at the Roosevelt Asylum.
I took the ring to Jess. And I wear the amulet everyday now. I won't lie through my teeth—I looked for a way to bring you back. But six months of searching turned up nothing, and I finally began to realize that I was doing the exact opposite of what you wanted me to.
So I stopped.
And I lived.
Just like you told me to.
I've never been one to let go of anything, really. You were my kid brother. The one who always amused me, laughed with me, helped me, cried with me, saved me and loved me. And now you're gone. It's not possible to live with that and be all right.
So I'm not.
I dream about you every night. The things we used to do, like gaze at the stars. The night we set off that crate of fireworks on the Fourth of July. I think about the good memories we have together, and how I'll never be able to make any more.
I hope you found Jessica again. You deserve to be with her.
Today was probably the hardest day of all for me to be without you, if I'm being fair. Because, you know what day it is?
It's May 2nd, Sammy.
I made you a cake. I know, I know. Dean, going all sappy-hearted?
Damn right.
I just wish you were here to blow out the candles.
I miss you, Sam, so much. There's a lot I never got to respond to in this letter, but I don't want to waste your time—besides, I think a lot of it goes without saying, am I right? Now go get back to your girl and your heaven.
I love you, kiddo.
I'll see you again—I promise.
But I'll keep going on, because that's the one thing you asked me to do, and the one thing I will obey without question.
I'll live.
I promise.
Happy birthday, Sammy.
Dean.
