A/N: Greenaway and I would first off like to wish all of you a happy, safe and prosperous 2010. We would also like to thank those of you who added us to your favourites and a really special thank you to those of you who took the time to review all constructive feedback is welcomed and very much appreciated by both of us.
Due to this story being set in New Zealand and to make it more fun and interactive we have set up a blog site where we will post photos of locations and our playlists for each chapter. We have photos (our interpretation of how we envisioned the character as we wrote them.) and small character bios. we will add more of them as we introduce each character. Feel free to leave comments or ask questions we will try to answer them as quickly as possible...Links to the blog will be up on our profile pages later on tonight...
Greenaway: Cin and I are still debating the benefits of Twitter and so far she is siding with Rob. Now if there are any of you Non-technophobes out there, pm either of us or let us know in a review if you would like us to set up a twitter account. I'm the resident Geek in our little duo, so if I think enough of you are interested, I will bribe Cin with some Rob Porn and we will be tweeting before you know it...
To everyone who takes the time to review, thank you so much we appreciate each and every one. There was an enormous effort put into this story and you will notice a lot of Kiwi references. As we set the story in New Zealand we wanted to make it as authentic as possible. If any of you have a question or something about New Zealand, we would be happy to answer it. Oh and finally, CHECK OUT THE BLOG. Cheers!
Bellas POV...
My hand shook violently as I tried to force the key into the lock, Edward's cold voice was ringing in my ears, 'it was just a stupid mistake...' I shuddered violently, I was desperate to get into the safety of my apartment so I could curl up into the foetal position; that was after I'd drunk myself into oblivion of course.
I pushed the door open and kicked my box of personal possessions over the threshold and left them where they landed as I stumbled through the darkness toward the kitchen and my awaiting oblivion. I kicked off my shoes as I turned on the light, my eyes immediately rested on the half drunk bottle of wine on the kitchen counter.
I headed straight for it with a sigh and grabbed the full bottle next to it as well for good measure. I tried not to think about anything as I walked to my room but I couldn't stop the relentless images that invaded my mind. Tears pricked at my eyes as a wave of shame and humiliation rolled over me. I crawled into bed and switched on my reading lamp.
I thought back over my conversation I'd had with Carlisle, or more what Carlisle had said to me, I didn't exactly say a lot so I didn't think it constituted a conversation. I couldn't believe he'd fired me just like that. Admittedly I had broke his stupid cardinal rule, but I thought that after my years of loyal service and previously unblemished record he'd have let me off with a stern reprimand and a written warning.
Fuck it wasn't fair; I didn't even instigate it or come on to, or lead Edward on in anyway. It was him doing all the coming on to me. And yet here I was sitting unemployed and alone in my bed with nothing but my shame and misery to keep me company.
That thought had me chugging the wine straight from the bottle.
As furious I was at Edward, who was totally at fault for the whole damn mess, I was more furious at myself for not listening to my inner voice when the alarm bells began ringing in my head, after all its what it was designed for. I felt stupid and pathetic and used.
I couldn't bear to be inside my head anymore and took another long draught from the bottle hoping the deep burgundy liquid would give me some respite from this hell. But apparently the ghost of Christmas present had other ideas and continued to haunt me by adding the image of Edward turning his back on me and walking out of the office to the relentless commentary that rung in my ears.
My stomach dropped and I couldn't prevent the low strangled sob that tore from my throat as another wave of shame and embarrassment washed over me as the image of Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper standing in the door way popped into my consciousness.
I cursed the lingering effects of the cocaine for preventing the alcohol from doing its job, "FUUCKK THIS," I yelled in frustration as I leapt out of bed and headed for the kitchen.
I grabbed a chair and slid it up against the counter. I reached for the bottle of Southern Comfort I kept in the top cupboard with a grimace, if this didn't send me into the oblivion I craved then nothing would. Unscrewing the lid I took a mouthful of the sweet alcohol and groaned in satisfaction as it slid down the back of my throat.
I hurried back to my room, taking a few more hearty swigs from the bottle on the way I turned on my sound system and climbed back into bed. I couldn't help but laugh when I heard the classic kiwi drinking anthem playing on the radio. I turned the sound up and sung the familiar lyrics to the Dudes most famous song.
*
"Drink yourself more bliss
Forget about the last one, get yourself another
I took another swig from the bottle and closed my eyes as I continued to sing to my favourite Kiwi drinking song.
Drink yourself more bliss
Forget about the last one get yourself another
Drink yourself more bliss
Have a stiff all night everything is alright
Try and reach the bar
Coppers took the car off us from the sidewalk
*
My eyes snapped open when the ghost of Christmas present tried another assault.
*
Yaaaaaah
Think I'm at full speed
Get it at the coochie, hello sailor cruisy
Buy some Spanish shoes
Think I need a falafel get it at the cross
Drink yourself more bliss
Forget about the last one and get yourself another.
*
It wasn't until I was a quarter way through the bottle that I finally felt the effects of the alcohol, I took another large swig and laid my head back on my pillow as confused thoughts swirled uncomfortably in my head.
I took another mouthful relishing the way the alcohol was starting to distort and calm the craziness in my mind: oblivion couldn't come faster enough for me. I took another draught and was grateful when my head began to spin and my eyelids drooped shut.
~~~~XXXX~~~~
I ignored the incessant ringing of my cell phone and pulled the blankets over my head, my throat was dry and sore and my head was pounding hideously. I curled up into the foetal position and groaned as partial images of yesterday flashed through my mind.
I slung my hand over the side of the bed and groped around until my fingers curled around the neck of the bottle; I wanted my sweet oblivion back. My stomach lurched when the alcohol hit it and I fought back the rising bile in my throat. I took another swig and reached over for my now silent phone.
I checked the caller I.D. and noted I'd missed two dozen calls I scrolled down the list and noted that I'd missed four calls each from Emmett and Jasper the rest were from Alice and Rose.
I guessed from the amount of calls I'd gotten from my sisters that they knew what had happened last night. I turned the phone off and buried my head under my pillow. I ignored the person I could hear knocking on my front door and after a couple of minutes they stopped. I knew it wasn't Rosalie or Alice as they had their own keys.
I took another long draught from the southern comfort and was grateful that it was finally making me feel comfortably numb.
I knew at some point I would have to face up to what happened with Edward and take stock of my life. I would need to look for a new job, with any luck the least Carlisle would do is write me a letter of recommendation, but for now all I wanted to do was blot out the humiliating memories of last night.
I finished the rest of the southern comfort and groaned in relief when I felt my concentration lapse and my brain begin to fog back into an alcohol induced haze. My eyelids drooped shut.
The haze didn't last long, or so it seemed to me, and I yelled out in frustration when my mind began to take another stroll down memory lane.
I couldn't stop the involuntary shiver of pleasure that washed over me as I remembered the feeling of strong arms encircling my waist and cupping my breasts, of warm breath against my ear, of the smooth velvety voice that sounded like pure sex, of Edward's beautiful body and the feeling of completeness when he was buried deep inside me.
I gasped as the image of our first kiss swam before my lids, I was sure I could feel a sense of that bizarre current that flowed between us when our lips met, even in my alcohol induced numbness.
Image after image flashed in my mind, our naked bodies that seemed to fit together so seamlessly, Edward's magnificent cock pounding into me.
I groaned and my eyes snapped open, I sat up and tried to get out of bed, my head spun and my vision went black as my feet hit the floor.
I woke up on the floor with my cheek pressed into the carpet. I was confused as to why I only had vision in one eye, I tried to blink but only one eye was opening and closing. I could see a dark stain on the carpet in front of me and lifted my head to examine it, I gasped when I realised it was blood.
I sat up and tried to get my bearings before I staggered to my feet and made a dash for the bathroom. I only just made it to the sink when I was violently ill, I lifted my head from the basin and caught sight of myself in the mirror, "Holy fuck."
My eyelid was swollen shut and deep purple bruising that seem to darken as I stood there, covered my entire eye and across the bridge of my nose, a bloody gash sat above my eyebrow. My lip was cut and swollen and my face was caked in dried blood.
The horrendous injuries to my face coupled with my dishevelled hair made me look like I had been the victim of an assault. I took a couple of aspirin from the vanity and gulped them down; I brushed my teeth then went in search of food.
Instead of heading for the kitchen I staggered toward the lounge I noticed a courier envelope sitting on the floor by the front door but I left it where it lay and carried on. I flopped down on the couch and grabbed the remote flicking on the television and quickly turned it to MTV. The bright images that flashed on screen had my one good eye watering and I closed it quickly.
It was dark again when I woke and my body was absolutely aching, my lip, eye and head throbbed in unison and my ribs felt like they were broken, my core ached like I'd been fucked six ways from Sunday, which I had, I thought with a groan.
I realised I was covered in a blanket and I could hear voices coming from the kitchen.
"Hello?" I called out. I noticed how raspy my voice sounded, like I'd just smoked a pack of cigarettes.
The voices quietened and a moment later Alice and Rose appeared in the lounge, both of them looking at me with horrified expressions on their faces.
"Bella are you alright, what the hell happened to you, how did you sustain those injuries?" I noticed that Alice's voice had an almost hysterical note to it.
"I'm alright; I just had a rough night, there's nothing to worry about, I'm all good." I tried to play it down but I could tell neither Alice nor Rose were having a bar of it.
"What the fuck Bella? You are not all good; you look like you came off worse in a pub brawl. And since when do you go to bed with two bottles of wine and a bottle of southern comfort?"
"Since my week from hell ended in me being cast before the devil himself. And according to him; hells too good for someone like me."
"Bella you're making no sense. How did you get hurt?" Alice was getting impatient with me now and I couldn't help but sigh when she clicked her tongue.
"I blacked out when I tried to get out of bed earlier and hit the bedside table on the way down, that's how I got hurt."
"Bells; what happened at the Christmas party last night? Emmett text me and told me too find you as soon as possible. He didn't say why, he just said that you'd need me." Rose's voice was soft and full of curiosity.
I tried to keep my composure but I couldn't fight the wave of shame and humiliation that washed over me causing tears to fall from my good eye and a low sob to issue from my throat.
"Please Bells tell us what happened." Rose's voice cracked. I opened my eye and saw a tear sliding down her cheek.
"I got fired last night." My voice was barley a whisper but both Alice and Rose heard me clearly.
"What? Why? By whom, did the fucktard fire you?" Rose looked at me in outrage, Alice just looked stunned.
"No it wasn't Edward who fired me it was Carlisle." I repressed the shudder trying to force its way through my body as I thought about Carlisle's furious face.
"But why Bella, I don't understand, I can't think of anything you could have possibly done to warrant instant dismissal." I looked over at her, her brow was furrowed as if she was frustrated she couldn't solve a riddle or puzzle.
"Can't you Rose, Can you honestly not guess what I did?"
Rose stared at me for a moment then gasped, "Oh my god Bella you didn't? Please tell me you didn't."
"I did." I looked into her wide eyes and another wave of shame engulfed me.
"Did what Bella, what did you do?" I couldn't help but smile that Alice hadn't figured it out yet. She was bouncing on the balls of her feet, her face a mask of agitation that she was missing the obvious.
"She fucked Edward and I'm guessing by the fact that you're unemployed that Daddy Carlisle caught you at it?"
It was Alice's turn to gasp, "Bella you didn't? You dirty little slut. Spill it right now. I want details, gory details. First of all how was it? I mean I know he's gorgeous but I've always wondered what he'd be like in bed. I bet he knows his way around the female body. Is he well built, you know down there?"
"Oh for god's sake Alice, do you really want to know these things, I thought you had a thing for Jasper?"
"I do but Edward's fuckin hot." I couldn't stop my head from automatically nodding in agreement, even though I hated him with every inch of being right now. "Come on Bella stop stalling, how did this happen?"
"Well I'm not sure, after you and Rose left Jazz and Emmett turned up with drinks and Emmett and I went to my bathroom and had some our traditional Christmas cheer and he left and I was pretty out there and started dancing around my office and then Edward was behind me, and his hands were on me and it felt amazing and then we were kissing and next thing I know he's fucking me on his desk.
And yes Alice as much as I hate to admit it he's an amazing fuck, not that I care about that right now. Anyway the next minute there's a knock on the door and before either of us could do more than look at each other Carlisle was standing in the doorway flanked by Emmett and Jazz." Alice gasped and Rose snorted and shook her head.
"Then what happened?"
"Carlisle told us to get dressed and then he fired me." I covered my face in my hands so I didn't have to look at them.
"For fuck sake Bella; why didn't one of you lock the door?" Rose was shaking her head at me a little condescendingly.
"Honestly I never even thought about it."
"Amateurs," Rose said with a smirk.
"So what did Edward say?" Alice asked quietly.
I felt the tears sting my eyes as I thought about Edward's cruel words.
"Bella?" Alice groaned.
"He told his Dad it was just a stupid mistake then walked out of the room." My voice cracked and hot angry tears spilled from eyes.
"He said what? That cowardly little scumbag, you should sue his sorry ass for sexual harassment, that would kick him and daddy devil where it hurts. You wait until I catch up with the fucktard I'm going to kick his lily white ass." Rose was glowering; her hands were clenched into fists at her sides.
"Please Rose, don't say or do anything to him, after all he's right it was just a stupid mistake." The words shredded my heart a little bit more.
"Still; why should he get off scot free? Fuck I'd like to rip off his balls and shove them down his throat." I couldn't help but laugh at the menacing look on Rosalie's face; I stopped quickly because it made my ribs ache.
I lifted my top and Rose and Alice gasped in unison as they took in the purple/black bruising across the side of my ribcage.
"Bells; you need to see a Doctor." Alice's voice cracked as she leaned forward to examine my mottled skin.
"I don't need a Doctor Alice; I need food, alcohol and a hot shower.
"I don't know about the alcohol Bells but the food and a hot shower sound like a good idea. You go have a shower and I'll order food." Alice helped me off the couch while Rose headed for the phone.
"What do you feel like eating Bella?"
"Thai. Just get me whatever you're having."
I headed for the shower and waited until the room was steamy before I slid under the hot water. It felt wonderful on my on my bruised skin and tense muscles and I soon felt myself succumbing to its relaxing powers. I closed my eyes and let my mind wander back to the fateful events of last night.
It certainly didn't feel like a mistake when Edward's arms encircled my waist or when his lips touched mine, it felt right. I thought back to the look in his eye when he was pounding into me, he looked like he'd dreamed of doing this to me a thousand times. There was no restraint, hesitation or caution in Edward, just a sense of want, longing and need that had matched my own.
Nothing in the way we were together felt wrong, my body's reaction to his touch was testament to that, Edward had played my body like a master composer, he'd brought me to the two best orgasm's of my life and had every cell in my body humming in perfect harmony with that inexplicable electricity that coursed through me at his touch.
As much as I hated him right now for hurting and humiliating me, it was undeniable that we had incredible chemistry and I knew that no one would ever come close to making me feel like Edward did.
I shuddered at the thought.
I shut the water off and grabbed a towel, I was desperate to get back to Rose and Alice before that depressing thought took hold on in my fragile mind.
We watched chick flicks and ate takeout and ice cream sundaes, no matter how much I pleaded Alice refused to let me have anymore alcohol.
"Bella you've had enough Alcohol this weekend, now quit ya whining and watch the movie already."
I saw about ten minutes of it before my one good eye began to water and droop shut, the next thing I know Rose was shaking me awake, "Bella it's time for you to go to bed. Alice and I will stay here with you tonight…Come on Bella get up."
I blinked my good eye a few times and took Rose's outstretched hand she helped me into bed and kissed my forehead, "I'll see you in the morning bruiser."
"Thanks Rose." I lay back in the darkness and felt quite awake, I reached for my IPod and scrolled down stopping at a random song and place the buds in my ears. I closed my eyes and was immediately assaulted by image after image of Edward's magnificent naked body before me.
I could almost feel the sensation of his touch and my skin tingled with the memory of it. I let my mind wander over the last look we shared before he walked out of his office and out of my life. He didn't look angry his look was more liking pleading.
But pleading for what? Forgiveness, understanding, for that I had no answer. All I knew was there would never be anyone who was made to fit me better than Edward, even if he was unobtainable and I'd probably never see him again.
I sighed as my IPod shifted to the next song. I shook my head the song seemed to reflect how I was feeling at this moment. I sung along to the words as I let the music pull me in.
*
The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make some foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you
No I don't want to fall in love
No I don't want to fall in love
With you
What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you
I want to fall in love
No, I want to fall in love
With you
*
I hugged my pillow in defeat the last thing I wanted was to be in love with Edward fucking Cullen, but if I was honest with myself I knew I always had been. I also knew I had to let go and get on with my life for my own sanity.
I groaned as I drifted toward unconsciousness.
Edwards POV...
I pulled my Aston Martin into my garage and pressed the button, closing the large electronic door behind me. I was fucking happy to be finally home. Don't get too comfy, you won't be here much longer. I thought sighing and leaning my head against the steering wheel.
What had I done?
That was the million dollar fucking question wasn't it? I had single handily ruined
Bella's life right along with my own, in one fell swoop, Bella had lost her job and I was off to France come New Years Day.
And it was all my fault.
I banged my head against the steering wheel, the guilt I was feeling plus the comedown from the drugs and booze was fucking with me royally. I opened the car door and closed it behind me, making my way through the house and downstairs to the bar.
The house was huge and empty, mocking me with its silence of my failure to fill it with the family it had been designed for. I didn't know if that would ever happen now, I didn't want to raise a fucking family in France; I wanted to raise my family here, in Wellington, around my own family. I didn't even fucking like France for God sake! I knew I was acting petulant and childish, I had agreed to all of this, but still.
My home.
I found Jasper and Emmett downstairs in the games room, playing pool and obviously waiting for me. I didn't even acknowledge them or break stride till I was at the bar and had myself a drink. I threw it back quickly, barely feeling it slide down my throat.
I heard, rather than saw my brothers put down the pool cues and make their way over to the bar. I pulled out two more glasses and filled all three. I slid one to each of them and downed my own, finally looking up to see Jasper's face full of sympathy and
Emmett's full of angry mirth. He looked like he couldn't decide whether or not he should be decking me or laughing at me.
Unless he wanted to help me get drunk, I really couldn't have really cared what he wanted to do.
After a couple more drinks, I found myself feeling the effects of them and all at fucking once. I stumbled over to the couch and dropped down with a groan. Emmett and Jasper still hadn't spoken yet and the air was thick with tension. I sat there just wishing that they would go home and leave me alone.
I couldn't stop seeing Bella's eyes, the way they had looked at me as I left, so full of hurt and betrayal. She was fucking taking over all my senses; I could still feel the silky smoothness of her skin on my fingers, her scent still filled my lungs and I swear if I lived for eternity, I would never forget the way that woman felt wrapped around my cock. It was bordering on fucking divine.
The two goons were still standing there, fucking staring at me like I was a science experiment. It was pissing me off, and if I wasn't quite so trashed, I would probably throw them out. As it was, I just wished they'd say what they came to say and leave.
"What are you two doing here? I gave you those keys for emergencies." I covered my face with one arm and tried to block everything out of my mind. Too many fucking voices were screaming at me in there and I swear I was going to lose my fucking sanity soon.
Emmett spoke up first. That was a surprise normally Jasper would be right in there on all the touchy-feely moments with his little pearls of wisdom.
"Two things bro, First off, tell me you convinced Dad to let Bella keep her job, or a job, because if you just screwed her and left her to the wolves I will fuck you up kid."
He was quite serious, that much was clear. It was expected really, I knew Emmett and
Bella had grown quite close when she worked for him, and if it hadn't been for Emmett's sky tower-size crush on Bella's sister Rosalie, I might have been jealous.
Emmett looked at me, waiting for his answer.
"Did you even try, Edward? Or did you just fuck and chuck?" He stood over me now, his hands balled into fists. He was angry, but he was controlling it.
Time to tip the scales then, I thought quite suicidally. Emmett was quite angry and quite a lot larger than me. He could fuck me up, hell he might even knock my ass out and that sounded like a pretty sweet deal at the moment.
I would worry about the actual beating later, oblivion beckoned me.
I sat up and looked him in the eye: Both of him. Shit was starting to get pretty blurry, if I was being completely honest. I tried my best to make my voice sound sinister and overall sleazy, knowing it would be a sure fire way to provoke him.
"I fucked her alright Emmett. I fucked her body, then I fucked with her head, and finally
I've fucked over her life. No, she doesn't have a job anymore. Fucked and chucked thoroughly." I laughed, but there was no humour in it, only a sad kind of desperation. I prayed he wouldn't hear it and just fucking hit me.
Please, please, please, please. My mind begged.
Emmett didn't disappoint. He swung and his fist connected with my left eye. I slammed back into the couch from the force of his blow and my head snapped backwards. I blinked, feeling my eye already starting to swell and throb despite the alcohol. That would feel great in the morning and I was still fucking conscious!
So I was left just feeling worse.
Cheers Emmett.
"Emmett, stop it." Jasper came from behind and stopped Emmett before he delivered seconds. I was sort of disappointed, I had been banking on him getting it right the second time.
"What the hell happened, Edward?" Jasper asked pushing Emmett into a recliner before taking the other one himself. I grabbed at my hair with both hands and groaned. Why were they making me go over this again? They had all been fucking there after all.
"Because you put yourself in this position, so suck it up and take it like a man, and yes, we were fucking there' but we booked it after we saw your lily white ass bobbing up and down over Bella. We figured we would come and wait here for you. Moral support and what not," Jasper answered.
I realised I must have said that out loud. It appeared my drunkenness was worse than I had originally thought.
"Moral support?" I growled pointing to my swollen face. Emmett just snorted at me
"You were asking for that Edward and you know it." Yeah, I had been, but still, if this was his idea of moral support, it was pretty messed up.
"Edward, what happened?" Jasper repeated.
So I told them. I told them about Carlisle's offer to give Bella a letter of recommendation and severance pay of sorts. I told them how she had looked at me when I had walked away from her. My heart clenched painfully, as I pictured those hurt brown eyes boring into me.
"Wait, go back." Jasper stopped me. "What exactly did you agree to? Why would he do all that? What was his price for all that?"
"Bella gets her letter of recommendation and cheque and I relocate to France and head up the new offices over there. Oh, and I'm to have no contact whatsoever with Isabella."
The thought of never seeing Bella again actually cut me deeper than having to leave
New Zealand and I knew I felt more for her than a simple infatuation. I always had, I had just never wanted to see it.
I hoped she would be ok and that she could forgive me one day. I knew I didn't deserve it, but I hoped regardless.
"Oh fuck." Emmett breathed.
"He's sending you away? And you're going? Fuck Edward, for once in your life stand up to him! Tell him to piss off and shove it! You can't move to France your home is here."
Jasper was ranting and I was touched that he didn't seem to want me to leave, but I had no choice. I was doing this for Bella.
"I do that, and Bella gets screwed Jazz and that's not going to happen. Not when she's already lost so much because of me." My head was starting to fucking throb like an air-raid siren was going off inside my skull and I debated stumbling my ass to the bar for another. Considering it was beginning to hurt simply to breathe now, I stayed my ass on the fucking couch.
"Why Edward?" Emmett demanded suddenly.
"Why: what?" My eyes were beginning to droop of their own accord and it was getting hard to concentrate on my surroundings. To be expected, I'm pretty sure by now all my blood had been replaced with a Jack Daniels and coke substitute.
"Why are you doing this? You fucking love it here, why would you just leave, for a slapper?"
"She's not a slapper!" I roared despite my pounding head.
What the fuck? I thought. Emmett was her friend!
"Oh, I know she's not a slapper. I just wanted to be sure you knew that, since you decided to fuck her like she was. Bella's special man, you know?"
"He knows." Jasper piped in before I could answer. He was looking at me knowingly.
I was officially past this fucking conversation, it didn't matter how special Bella was anymore. I had fucked that up beyond repair and all I could do now was move forward and follow my father's demands. Be the good little son that Edward Cullen was known to be.
Bile rose up in my throat, and I grimaced in disgust.
All I wanted to do was go to fucking bed and pass out. I tried to stand but the room started spinning and I swayed dangerously. Emmett grabbed me under the arm and helped me upstairs to my bedroom.
He threw me down onto my bed, a little more roughly than I thought necessary and I managed to tell him so. He just rolled his eyes at me,
"You're my brother Edward, but that girl, she's like my best friend and baby sister rolled into one, so I'll miss you bro, but I'm glad you did what you did. Respect brother. Jazz and I are going to crash here tonight, no arguments."
I was too tired to protest and besides which, it was kind of comforting having them here in the house. Two extra people and suddenly it didn't feel quite so empty anymore.
I closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep, my dreams saturated with her.
Bella.
*
The light shone through my bedroom window and burned the retinas of my eyes. I turned to turn my head away from the light, but that hurt even fucking more than the light so I stayed there, my eyeballs slowly burning inside my skull. I couldn't even close the fuckers, I was that hung over.
I could hear Emmett in the kitchen slamming pots and pans around and my stomach turned when it realised that meant Emmett was making breakfast. Probably something vomit-inducing and greasy: no doubt. It would be worse to stay in bed and have him come to me, however.
I got out of bed, my entire body aching like a bitch and my face like, well like Emmett had fucking clocked me the night before. My stomach lurched and I just made it to the bathroom before I threw up in the toilet. When I had finished expelling all my stomach contents and what I suspected were some internal organs as well, I sat back against the wall closing my eyes.
"Jesus Edward, what did you fucking drink last night? It reeks in here!" Emmett was standing in the bathroom door wearing a ridiculous Christmas apron that said "Oh,
Santa I've been a VERY good girl this year!" along with a picture of a 50's pinup girl. I don't know where the hell he got it from but it certainly wasn't mine.
"You look like an idiot" I said, tasting the bile in my mouth.
I stood up and went to the sink and rinsed my mouth out. I looked into the mirror and the face that stared back looked like utter shit. I mean really, this apparently had been the bender to end all benders. My eyes were dark and there were huge circles under them and I looked a pasty green colour.
"No, I look festive and you look like crap, Which is not going to do you any favours since
Mum called this morning and said to tell you she's on her way over. Get in the shower dude, you really stink, I'm not just being a dick here, you and water need to make each other's acquaintance."
"Mum? Oh, fuck Emmett does she know?" I was mortified; surely my father hadn't told my mother what I had done? Had he?
"Sorry bro, she knows. Better shower now, she'll be here any minute." He turned and walked out of the bathroom.
I showered quickly and threw on some sweat pants and a t-shirt after I had dried off. I pulled open a drawer and grabbed the Panadol, dry swallowing two of them. I grimaced at my reflection again and left the bathroom, nothing was going to make me look any better at that point, so I decided not to even bother.
I had just barely walked out of my bedroom when a small bronze haired woman threw herself into my arms.
"Hey Mum." I said, wincing in pain. She was clutching me so damn tightly and the
Panadol hadn't kicked in yet.
"France Edward? Do you have any idea what this will do to me?" I could see a tear escape the corner of her eye and although I didn't think it possible, I felt worse than before. I loved my mother; she had always been there for me when I needed it. I hadn't thought was this was going to do to her.
"Come on Mum, don't cry, I'll visit all the time. Besides, it's not like it's exactly my choice, I don't want to go; I have to."
Yeah, you can thank your evil fucking husband for that one. I thought bitterly.
She looked at me, her eyes still swimming with unshed tears.
"I know baby, and I'm so proud of what you did for that girl." she patted my cheek and smiled at me. Wait, did she realise I slept with my P.A?
"Ah, you DO know what happened don't you?" I never expected my mother to be praising my behaviour.
"Well, obviously you need to learn how to lock a bloody door, that was just stupid by the way, but I was mainly talking about what you did afterwards. I'm not pleased with your father and he knows it, but I am pleased with you helping that girl, she didn't deserve to lose her job."
"Grubs up," Emmett screamed from the kitchen and I swear the windows were close to shattering from the sonic boom that his voice created.
"Sweet," Jasper hollered sprinting up the stairs and quickly hugged Esme on his way past.
"Hey Mum, Hey Dad." He called over my shoulder.
Oh fuck no. Dad was here too?
I turned around slowly to see my father standing in the doorway looking at me with a blank expression on his face. He'd been standing there throughout Esme's speech and
I knew he would be angry that she wasn't siding with him.
Ha, fucking ha, Dad. A childish voice sang in my head.
"Difficult night was it son?" He waved a hand at my obviously hung over person. I was about to really let loose and say something I know I would've regreted later but my mother cut me off before I had the chance.
"You've done enough Carlisle. Leave him be." The look she gave him could have turned him to stone.
"I've carried out my half of the bargain Edward, I would suggest you stay sober long enough to carry out yours. You have affairs to get in order before you leave." His voice was clipped, his disappointment in me was clear to everyone in the room.
I wished I could've said it didn't matter, but to some part of me his disappointment did matter.
"Well, maybe so Dad, but first I think we should just all have some breakfast right?"
Emmett cut through the tense situation in his own diplomatic way.
I gave my brothers a lot of grief and didn't recognise half of what they did for me, but I loved them dearly.
I was going to miss them.
We ate in silence, a painful silence that did nothing to increase my appetite or decrease nausea I was experiencing. It was lucky that I didn't keep a gun in the house, I would've used it on myself with no hesitation at all.
"Won't you come and stay with us till you leave Edward? I going to miss you so much and I want to spend all the time I can with you." my mother grabbed my hand and squeezed it.
"For god sake Esme, he's not dying! He's going to France and if he uses his time there wisely, it could benefit him greatly." My father added pointedly.
Fuck you. I screamed in my head. I would've given anything to be able to say it out loud and watch his face.
"I don't think that would be a good idea under the circumstances Mum. Sorry." I stood shakily and fought back a wave of vertigo. I gave my mother a small kiss on the top of her head and a curt nod to Carlisle.
"Thank you both for coming over. I will be there on Christmas Eve, but right now I am going to go back to bed and try to keep down my breakfast." I turned to Emmett and Jasper who were both smirking at me.
"You two fuck heads can kiss my ass."
"Language Edward," My mother admonished. Jasper made an 'oooohhhh' face and
Emmett sniggered into his hand.
"My apologies Mother," I said to Esme before heading towards my room.
"Hey what do you want us to do?" Jasper yelled at me. I waved a hand over my
Shoulder,
"Stay, go, I really don't fucking care. Just leave me the hell alone and you can do whatever the fuck you want."
I made it to my room and as I closed the door I heard my mother say to my father,
"He gets that foul language from your side you know."
I climbed into my bed and curled into a ball.
I must have fallen asleep, because when I awoke it was night again. I had slept the entire fucking day. The worst part was, I didn't feel any better for it, rather I felt worse.
There was a painful clarity in my head that was allowing the gravity of what I had done, hit me with full force.
I had cost Bella her job and cost me my home, but the worst thing my actions had cost me was Bella herself.
Oh shit, I breathed as that same clarity allowed me to recall every moment with Bella in perfect detail, and those memories burned me as much as they thrilled me.
The way her skin felt, silky and delicate, like I could bruise her with the slightest pressure, the way her body literally gravitated towards my touch like I was her puppet master pulling her by her strings. Her scent, oh god, so spicy and exotic, that fucking cinnamon would drive me crazy one day.
Bella's own signature scent, suddenly I craved it so bad, I thought I'd peel my skin off if
I didn't get it. I scrambled beside my bed on the floor finding the shirt I had been wearing last night. I spotted it and grabbed it swiftly bringing it to my nose and inhaling deeply.
Ahhhhh...Bella.
She was all over it, I could smell her everywhere. I crawled back into bed with the shirt and lay there holding it under my chin, just breathing that calming fragrance. The pain in my body ebbed slightly and I could breathe just a little bit easier. It also made me a little more rational.
The damage was done and nothing I could do would change it, I had done the best I could by Bella under the circumstances and there was nothing more I could do there.
Now all that was left was to tie up my loose ends in New Zealand and get ready to leave everything and everyone I loved behind.
Everyone meaning specifically Bella, don't you mean?
I didn't love Bella! Did I?
Yes, you know you do. A small voice made itself known in the back of my mind. I didn't know if I loved Bella or not, I knew such a thing was not wise anyway considering our circumstances.
Yeah, ok, keep on the denial train. It will take you direct to Fuckwit town. You should fit right in. So? Even if I did love her, it was really a moot point now, wasn't it? I mean, I was never going to contact her again after this anyway, so what fucking good could come from admitting shit like that?
None, so I was not going to go there.
But, like a bad habit, she crept back into my thoughts, dominating them forcing me to ignore everything else until my focus was entirely on her. My goddess demanded absolute devotion and worship, and I would give her whatever she desired.
I was leaving behind any chance I might have had in obtaining the goddess. If things had gone differently: if I had locked the door, if I had stood up to Carlisle. The what if's were going to finally tip me over the edge, I thought.
I had tasted paradise only to have it snatched from my grasp. It was a addictive kind of torture, where you know it would have been better for you to have never tasted that paradise, to have just left the forbidden fruit right the fuck alone like you knew you were supposed to. But it still didn't matter. You wouldn't change a fucking thing anyway.
That was how I felt about Bella.
To have wanted her for so long, and finally, finally, have her? Words could not do such a feeling justice. Then to have her snatched from my grasp? Reality was a fucking bitch alright.
I needed air.
I pulled a packet of cigarettes out of my bedside table and went out to the deck. I took a cigarette and lit it, dragging deeply. I held the smoke in my lungs for a while before I slowly exhaled.
I looked out at the city spread below me, my city. It sparkled and shimmered as only
Wellington can, and my stomach dropped as I realised this would be one of the last times I could do this. I hated Carlisle at that moment and I hated the power he seemed to have over me, always manipulating, always scheming.
I flicked my cigarette over the railing and went back inside, flicking on my iPod that sat in its dock beside my bed. The forceful opening beats of "Better Days" by Tadpole began to fill my empty room. I huffed a small laugh as I listened to the relevance of the lyrics. Renee Brennan understood my misery, and she sang her condolences to me
*
Sometimes I feel sorrow and there's no way to release it
It wells up inside, don't have no one here with whom to share it,
Except you, you're nice
Sometimes I feel guilty and I wish I could absolve it
I miss peace it's nice, haven't had much of it 'round here lately
I miss peace, it's nice.
*
Except I didn't have Bella anymore: and never would.
*
There's no way to break through
I'm trying to break through
'cause I feel in slow-mo
And there's no way to break through
'cause I feel in slo-mo
*
My stomach lurched and I vomited into the rubbish bin placed next to my bed. I wondered who had put that there.
I really didn't deserve my family.
A/N: please feel free to review this chapter, and hopefully we will be seeing you over at our blog :)
