AUTHOR'S NOTE - I don't have a set schedule for updates, but I'm aiming for every three weeks or so. I have most of chapter 3 outlined, so I hope I get it finished soon. Don't forget to add my fanfiction on facebook!
DISCLAIMER - I am definately not Stephenie Meyer. I don't own anything but the plotline in my head that I need to get out.
CHAPTER 2
Watch Me Bleed
For some, music is not just a pastime,
It's an undeniable fact of living.
A blissful slavery of mind, body and soul.
To rise above the ashes of mediocrity is rare.
Yet the gift of song is freely handed out to anyone who cares to receive it,
Instantly shattering our daily drudgery.
The path to pursue more than the usual,
More than what is safe and known,
Is wrought with the time-sharpened, jagged blades that cut deep.
Blocking many from the road to something greater,
Beyond the stunted imagination of their peers.
Within the veins of the few,
Passion fills every sinew with a sweet unquenchable purpose,
Calming the fear of those treacherous paths.
Though each slice burns and bleeds,
Still they take each cut and wear the scars with pride to signal their choice,
That undying pursuit of greater joy within every chord.
And so they say - Watch Me Bleed.
Poem by Hanson
3 Weeks Later…
All I could think about for the past three weeks was Jacob Black. Since my father had told me I would be checking out Jacob's band in five weeks, all my memories of him from the past kept coming back into my mind. Every recollection I had buried deep in the back of my mind repeated over and over. I'm fairly certain that Logan didn't notice that I was out of sorts and somewhat edgy, which was probably a good thing. All the guilt I felt for reminiscing old memories of Jacob was eating away at me. It felt wrong because I loved Logan and I shouldn't be thinking of anyone else.
I needed to get my mind off of things and fortunately, it just so happened that I had a concert to go to. Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers was an amazing band that I'd known for about six years. The guys in the band were extremely talented and they were such great guys to hang out with. I was looking forward to enjoying some good music and friends.
I was stepping out of the shower when I heard the front door of the apartment close. I grabbed my navy blue towel that was hung on the bathroom door and wrapped it around my body. I opened the bathroom door and called out to Logan. "Hey, Honey!"
"Hi, Ness." He called back.
I walked into the bedroom and wrapped my towel around my soaking wet hair and slipped into my red bikini cut panties and matching bra.
"Pretty hot there, Ness." a seductive voice said behind me. Smiling, I turned around. "You dressing sexy for me?"
I rolled my eyes and laughed as I took the towel off my head and threw it at him. "I am getting dressed for the concert tonight."
"Concert? What concert?" Logan asked with a slightly angry tone.
"I reminded you last night while we were eating dinner, one day last week before you left for work, and the day I bought my tickets." I hated when he didn't listen to me. I sighed as I pulled on my stonewashed flared jeans.
"Well, I don't remember you telling me. Didn't you just go to a concert a few weeks ago?" He asked with a defensive tone as his phone beeped.
"Yes." I stated, trying not to lose my temper. "You know that I go to lots of concerts."
Logan looked up at me and stopped typing on his phone. "I just don't get it." He said angrily. He looked back to his phone and stormed out of the room.
I stood there as I watched Logan exit the bedroom and sighed. That wasn't the first time he'd said he didn't understand my love for music. I told him time and time again why I need music and why I go to concerts so often, and he never understood.
My parents introduced me to music as soon as I was born. They played everything for me, from Mozart to Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young to Led Zeppelin and everything in between. I started voice lessons at a very young age and shortly after I began taking dance lessons.
Naturally, music became a huge part of my life. Especially after my mother and my sister passed away, it was the only thing that could numb me, even if it was for a little while. It took me to a place where nothing else existed; it put me into a trance and sucked me in. Just one song could completely change my mood. I needed it like I needed air. Music ran through my veins.
I wiped the tear from my cheek and pulled my teal low cut sweater over my head. I decided to finish getting ready at Lorelei's apartment, so I grabbed my makeup bag from the bathroom. I walked through the living room, where Logan was laying on the couch with his phone in his hand. As I walked behind the couch and into the kitchen, I shook my head. Five years we had been together and he didn't know me at all. I grabbed my pocketbook from the kitchen counter and heard footsteps coming towards me. When he was a foot behind me he spoke.
"You're leaving now?"
"Yes." I said sharply. "I am meeting Lorelei at her place." I needed to get away before I started to cry in front of him. He always made me feel like a complete idiot for crying.
"I guess I'm going out with the guys." His phone beeped in his hand.
I took that opportunity to make my way to the front hall and slipped on my black converses. "Have fun" I said as Logan came into view in the hall. He walked up to me as I was tying my shoe and bent down for a kiss. He went for my lips but I turned my head and his lips met my cheek instead.
"See you later" I spoke softly while opening the door. I walked out and shut the door before he could say anything else.
I heard the music before I even opened the door. I hoped the neighbors were Coldplay fans. I let myself in Lorelei's apartment, as always, and kicked off my converses. I loved her apartment. The walls were covered in band posters and all sorts of music and concert memorabilia. If I had lived by myself, my place would look something like Lorelei's.
"Hey, chica! I called out over the music that was blaring from the stereo.
"I'm in the bedroom!"
I made my way into her red and black bedroom and found her digging in the bottom of the closet.
"What the hell are you looking for?" I asked.
Lorelei stood up with a single purple converse in her hand. "This!" she said with a smile and then looked at my face. "You've been crying." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. She knew me too well.
I couldn't deny it. "Logan and I were fighting."
She came up to me and hugged me tight. "What happened, Ness?"
I told her the whole story, which she'd heard before. Lorelei was like a sister to me, and she knew everything about me. She knew my whole life story, and she knew of my deteriorating relationship with Logan.
Lorelei sighed when I finished telling her about the argument I had with Logan. "Ness, I don't like the way he treats you. I've told you this before."
"He just doesn't get me." I said quietly. "I wish he would understand."
"I don't think he wants to understand." I knew she was right.
"He still won't set a date for the wedding." My eyes filled with tears. "I don't know why. He keeps giving me excuses. Money, work, time…everything in the book."
Lorelei pulled me into a hug. "I know you don't want to hear this, but I need to say it because you are my best friend. Maybe you should take a break….you know, live your life the way you want to."
I froze. "Break up?" I squeaked. I was never good at dealing with change. Logan had been my life for almost five years, I couldn't even think about what it would be like. He was all I knew, he was comfortable.
"Just think about it, okay?" Lorelei gave me a slight squeeze before pulling a jacket from her closet.
We were at the bar in the back of the small, crowded venue when Lorelei and I got hit on for the first time of the night. The tall and extremely muscular bartender complimented us both up and down and then gave us each a free Malibu Baybreeze. Score!
The band was on their third song of the set, and my mind was on the music, atmosphere and the comfort of the adrenaline that was running through my body. As crazy or weird as it sounds, the adrenaline rushes that I got from concerts were extremely comforting to me. It felt like home, like it was where I was supposed to belong in the world. The electric currents that ran through my body from the adrenaline soothed me from all the pain and the fears in my life. I took a long sip of my drink from the clear plastic cup and started to dance to the beat as the band began playing the chords of my song. I always claimed one song from each band or musician as my own, kind of like a theme song.
Lorelei and I screamed together over the crowd and hip checked each other, something we did quite often at concerts. I waved my free hand back and forth up in the air as I belted out the first words of the song.
I'm gonna start the day early
Maybe like a rocket on fire
Then I'm gonna write me a thousand songs
And I am never, ever, ever gonna tire
You bring the cup and I'll bring the moonshine
I wanna fill you up, babe won't you be mine?
I'm gonna start the day early
Maybe like a baby at birth
I'm gonna give you a present
With brown eyes and beautiful words
You bring the cup and I'll bring the moonshine
I wanna fill you up, babe won't you be mine?
After the last song of the concert, Lorelei and I went to the ladies room to relieve our overly full bladders and to quickly check ourselves in the mirror. We waited in the cramped lobby overfilled with mostly girls with miniskirts and low cut shirts, only able to take a few steps at a time. Kit, the bassist had just finished taking a picture with a group of fans when he noticed us in the tight lobby. He brushed his messy dirty blond hair out of his face and walked toward us through the mob of gawking girls. He grabbed my right hand and Lorelei's left hand and began to lead us to the merchandise table, where the other guys of the band were signing autographs and taking pictures. The invidious looks that we got from the scantly dressed girls made me smirk as we made our way through the crowd. When we finally made it to the meet and greet area, Kit let go of our hands and picked me up off the ground and pulled me into a tight hug before placing me down on my feet.
"It's been too long! How are you? What's new?"
I laughed. "I'm okay, and nothing is new, same shit. And it's been three months."
"It's still too long" Kit said into my ear. Since the first time we met, about five years ago when they opened for Hanson in Boston, we had always had an attraction toward each other. It was purely physical, partially because there is an eight year age difference between us, but it never kept us from innocently flirting with each other. There was a time when I thought that something more could possibly develop between us, but then I met Logan and fell in love. The flirting was nothing but innocent.
At that moment, Boots, the drummer of the band, came up behind me and tickled my sides. I squeaked loudly and jumped a mile up in the air. I should have expected it, since he did it every time I saw him. He gave me a hug and told me it that it was good to see me before turning to Lorelei. Those two had a little history. They had a short fling a few years back, but since the band toured half the year, it was difficult to pursue any type of relationship. They both accepted it for what it was, but you could still see the way they looked at each other. Stephen was surrounded by fans, but quickly hugged me and gave me an apologetic look between signing autographs.
Kit found me again and asked us to go to the bar with the band after they finished up taking pictures and signing autographs. Lorelei drove her black Ford Explorer behind the band's bulky burgundy GMC Savanna that everyone made fun of. Even the guys made fun of their own transportation. They were indie, and didn't perform at well-known venues, so they decided to keep the hideous van and save money by not using a tour bus.
We didn't plan on staying at the bar for long, but the guys weren't going to be back on the East Coast for awhile, so we had a few extra drinks. We played a few games of pool, which I was exceptionally awful at, and shot some darts. At two in the morning we said our goodbyes to the guys and we headed home.
I decided to sleep at Lorelei's apartment. After the fight that I had with Logan earlier, I didn't want the possibility of going home and starting the fight again at two o'clock. I was dreading seeing him in the morning, but there were things that had to be discussed.
Logan was sitting on the couch watching some ridiculous Cop show when I walked into the apartment. He turned away from the television and looked at me when he heard the door close behind me.
"Hi." I said flatly, showing no emotion.
"Hey, hun!" He beamed with a smile.
If my jaw could have dropped to the cream colored carpet, it would have. How could he have forgotten the argument we had not even eighteen hours earlier? Was he insane, or just completely oblivious? I had to know.
"Are you insane, or just completely oblivious to the fact that I didn't leave on great terms last night?" I asked with confusion and then my anger came out. "Actually, I left on pretty shitty terms, if I remember correctly."
Logan apparently thought I was comical and laughed, which pissed me off even more. "Do you really think a stupid argument could come between us? It never has before." He put his arm around my waist.
He was right, but I couldn't let him know that. I slipped away from his arm and started to head towards the kitchen. "It is the same fight every time, Logan. You just don't understand why I need music. I've explained it to you over and over again, you don't even want to understand."
"I do understand, Ness." Logan followed me into the kitchen.
"Logan, we fight all the time." I sighed. "We both work long hours and we rarely go out by ourselves. We live under the same roof, but half the time it feels like we are in two different places."
This time he grabbed my waist with both hands, pulled me in front of him and looked into my eyes. "It will get better." He stated sincerely, but with determination. "I promise."
I wanted to believe him. I thought back to what Lorelei had said to me the night before "Maybe you should take a break….you know, live your life the way you want to."
I pushed the thought out of my head. I couldn't even think about it. The thought of leaving Logan scared the crap out of me. It sacred me more than I wanted to admit. Being with Logan was all I've known for five years.
So I gave in.
I leaned toward Logan and brushed my lips on his. He pressed hard on my lips and started to part his own. I pulled away slightly.
"I don't want to fight anymore."
"You think I do?" He asked. I had no time to reply back. Logan suddenly crushed his lips to mine. I let my body take over and parted my lips. His tongue hungrily found mine and they swirled together as I moaned softly. Abruptly, he broke the kiss.
"We're going out to dinner tonight."
We walked into the dimly lit restaurant and the hostess took Logan's name. She grabbed two menus from behind the podium she was standing at and led us to the left side of the restaurant to our table. Logan pulled out my chair, which I thought was rather odd since he usually didn't do that, and I sat down. After Logan sat in his chair the waiter came to our table. I didn't feel like drinking, so I ordered a diet coke. Logan ordered a mug of Corona.
I knew what I wanted to say to him, but I didn't know how to begin. Whenever I brought it up it turned into an argument, but I was trying to stay away from anything that would start one.
The waiter came back with our drinks and took our orders. Logan ordered a steak with mushrooms and I ordered fettuccini alfredo. We sat in silence for a few moments and then I blurted it out.
"So, I was thinking maybe we can plan our wedding for this summer or fall."
I waited for the usual response. We had this conversation before, but time after time again, Logan gave me reasons not to get married yet. Some were valid reasons, but it had been three years since he proposed to me in New York City. Sometimes I wondered why he even proposed to me all those years ago.
"Ness, you know things have been crazy lately. I need to put in more hours to get this manager's position."
I played with my two-karat marquise cut engagement ring that was on my left hand. My voice had a hint of hurt to it that I tried to hide. "I know. I just want to be married to you. We don't have to have a big wedding."
"It has nothing to do with a big wedding. There's just no time."
"No time for what?" I asked with a confused expression after taking a sip of my diet coke.
"There is no time to plan. I work long hours, you know this."
At this point I was positive that we'd never set a date, so I took one last try. "All you'd have to do is get fitted for a tux and be at the altar."
"Okay."
I looked up at him, half shocked and half elated and smiled.
A/N: Please review and tell me what you think!
