Part Two: The Plot Thinnens

Bumbleass just couldn't take it anymore. It had been bad enough that Daisy hadn't given him a real name, but now Firestar had given him the worst name possible. Bumbleass sat in the forest, wallowing in his endless angst.

"That's it!" the pathetic excuse for a warrior cried to no one in particular. "I'm running away! And I'm definitely maybe probably sometimes coming back!" But before he could go anywhere, an incredibly pretty tabby she-cat stepped out of the undergrowth. Bumbleass immediately became super extremely happy when he saw the familiar face.

"Sol! You've risen from the grave and absolved me of my sins! Hooray!"

"Yes, that's right you dumb little shit. I am the cat equivalent of Jesus!" Sol declared, puffing out his chest proudly. "Now, I heard that you were thinking about running away. Is that true?"

"Were you listening to me talking to myself just now?"

"Ye—I mean no! I mean…yes."

"I love you Sol!" Bumbleass squealed like the annoying fantard he was.

"I hate you, you fat lump of uselessness," Sol replied lovingly. Together, they left the forest, heading in the direction of the RiverClan camp.

"Are we going on an adventure, Sol?" Bumbleass asked.

"No, I'm kidnapping you," he explained.

"Hey, that tree called me a leprechaun!"

"That's nice my stupid little friend, that's nice."

Meanwhile at the HerpDerpClan camp…

"For too long we have lived underground in the shadow of the other four Clans!" Appleapplestar addressed his Clan of sexually ambiguous cats. "I say we invade the world above and take all their bases!" The cats of HerpDerpClan yowled in agreement. "We will take over ThunderClan and the other, less important Clans! Then, all their bases will belong to us!"

"All hail Appleapplestar!" they yowled. And so, the beginning of the end of the middle of the beginning began.

Meanwhile at the ThunderClan camp…

"So then I was all like, 'Jayfeather, you're psychicness is nothin' compared to my psychicness!'" Dovepaw bragged to her sister. "And then he totally had smex with me! It was awesome!"

"Dovepaw, you can't have smex with Jayfeather. He's your cousin or something. And besides, this is a children's series," Ivypaw said with the patience of a saint.

"You're just jealous because you're still a virgin!" Dovepaw taunted. "As I was saying," Dovepaw rambled on, but Ivypaw wasn't listening. She had long ago developed the ability to completely tune out anything her sister said. It was a necessity: if she hadn't learned how to do it, her head would've exploded a long time ago.

"Psst, Ivypaw!" Ivypaw whirled around to see Lionblaze and Jayfeather crouching in the undergrowth. "C'mere!" Ivypaw looked at Dovepaw, who was rambling on about how smexy everyone thought she was. She wouldn't notice if Ivypaw slipped away. Ivypaw silently crept into the undergrowth and followed Jayfeather and Lionblaze back to the camp.

"What is it?" she asked. "What's wrong?"

"I'm afraid that the situation is way more serious that we first though," Jayfeather said thoughtfully.

"Yes, it would seem that we actually are the last three sane cats in the entire Clan!" Lionblaze said direly. "It's only a matter of time before society collapses completely and we're forced to live like savage animals!"

"Uh, don't we already do that?" Ivypaw asked, confused.

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, for starters, you're biting the head off of a squirrel right now," she observed.

"Oh..yeah…my mouth sometimes does that," he said before continuing to decapitate his victim.

"Guys, this is serious!" Jayfeather wailed. "We have to get out of here before we're caught up in the collapse of society!"

"You're right, Jayfeather!" said Lionblaze, his muzzle coated in the blood of the small, furry woodland creature. "We need to run away as fast as we can!"

"But running away won't solve anything!" Ivypaw protested. Jayfeather and Lionblaze stared at her as if she were insane.

"What? Of course it will! We'll be safe, won't we?" Lionblaze growled. "And maybe we could go to the mountains and score with some hot chicks from the Tribe of Flushing Toilets! Or, at least, I could. I'm sure there are plenty of manly sharpclaws for you and Jayfeather."

"I'm not gay!" Jayfeather wailed.

"Riiiiiiight," said Ivypaw and Lionblaze at the same time.

"I'll have you know that I have a girlfriend!" said Jayfeather indignantly.

"Oh yeah?" Lionblaze purred. "What's her name?"

"Stick…" Jayfeather mumbled under his breath.

"Guys, we need to concentrate! What's another way we can prevent ThunderClan from collapsing?"

"Oh, I know!" Lionblaze meowed. "We could kill Firestar!"

"That's an awesome idea!" Ivypaw mewed. "I'll bet you anything that Firestar's the source of all this insanity!" The last three sane cats set off on their journey to rid their beloved Clan of Firestar and bring sanity to the land. And so, the middle of the beginning ended, and the end of the beginning of the end began.

Meanwhile, at the HerpDerpClan camp…

"What are your orders, my lord?" Appleapplefeather asked. "The warriors are prepared for battle and we have cleared the entrance to the tunnel. Soon, all of the surface dwellers' bases will belong to us!"

"Yes, Appleapplefeather, they will. And then HerpDerpClan will rule the entire forest-lake ecosystem! Muwhahahahahaha! Ahem," said Appleapplestar, clearing his throat. "My first order is to take over WindClan. They're obviously the weakest and stupidest Clan out of all of them. I mean, they're special thing is running fast. Like their warriors could ever compare to my army of Appleapples!"

"As you wish, my lord," said Appleapplefeather before returning to give the orders to Appleapplestar's army. Soon, he thought, soon the four Clans of the Forest will fall and HerpDerpClan will be able to live in the sun!

Meanwhile, at the ThunderClan camp…

Lionblaze and Jayfeather stared intently at Firestar as the incredibly old leader washed his anus. The two brothers had decided that since Ivypaw was a girl and therefore had cooties, it would be best if she didn't come along with them on their quest to free ThunderClan from Firestar's evil oppression.

"So, you're saying that we should just run over there and decapitate him?" Jayfeather asked, unable to believe that Lionblaze could think up such a stupid plan.

"Yeah, it's completely fool-proof!"

"Yeah, but wouldn't somebody see us? And plus, Firestar has three lives left. We'd have to decapitate him three times, wouldn't we?"

"Hm…I see your point, but I don't really care," Lionblaze said before rushing over to Firestar.

"What the hell do you want?" Firestar muttered grumpily through a mouthful of bird flesh.

"I shall destroy you, Firestar!" Lionblaze yowled furiously. "And then your reign of terror shall end!" Lionblaze lunged at Firestar, using his superspecialawesome battle powers. Just as his teeth were about to close around Firestar's neck, he hit what seemed to be an invisible wall and he flew backwards. "What?" Lionblaze cried, distraught.

"Foolish fools!" Firestar threw back his head and laughed. "You thought you could destroy a main character? Think again!" Firestar's eyes began to glow red and his fur stood up on end, making him look about three times as fat as he was. "Mary Sue powers activate!" Firestar yowled, launching laser beams of awesomeness out of his eyes at Lionblaze. Lionblaze leaped out of the way just in time to avoid Firestar's attack.

"Great crap of StarClan!" Lionblaze exclaimed.

"Watch out, Lionblaze! He's firin' his lasers!" Jayfeather yowled. Lionblaze leaped out of the way as Firestar continued to fire his lasers.

"Retreat!" Lionblaze yowled in terror, defeated by the sheer awesomeness that is Firestar.

"That's right, fools! That's what you get for messing with the almighty power of me, the eternal Main Character!" Firestar began to laugh maniacally.

"Oh, so Main Character is capitalized now, is it?" Jayfeather meowed.

"Quite breaking the fourth wall and run!" Firestar snapped. Not wanting to be blown to smithereens, the two brothers fled into the forest, leaving Firestar to bask in his own awesomeness.

Meanwhile, at the HerpDerpClan camp…

"Appleapplestar! We have successfully capture WindClan!" Appleapplefeather reported.

"Yes," Appleapplestar purred. "Next, we shall take RiverClan. And then we shall head over to ShadowClan. Then, finally, we shall take ThunderClan. But we must be careful when attacking ThunderClan, because that's where all the Main Characters live, and everyone knows you can't kill Main Characters."

"I don't mean to be rude, my lord, but wouldn't it be better if we spent less time talking about what we want to do and more time, you know, actually doing what we want to do?" Appleapplefeather asked meekly.

"No," said Appleapplestar. "Now quit talking about what you want to do and actually, you know, do what you…I mean I want to do. Start doing what I want to do."

"Yes, Oh Great Appleapplestar," said Appleapplefeather before exiting the HerpDerpClan leader's mud hut.

Soon, thought Appleapplefeather. Soon I'll assassinate that old fool, then I'll be leader of HerpDerpClan and ruler of the entire forest-lake ecosystem! Mweeheeheeheeheehee! Heeheeheehee!

And so, the beginning of the end of the beginning started over again, leaving room for an alternate ending and director's cut. And the forest-lake ecosystem would never be the same again.