When Annie passed him in the hallway the next day at school, Jean didn't hesitate to tell her what he thought about her unnecessary antics in the game the night before. Holding her books loosely under one arm, she looked at him and kept going with barely a pause in her step. Even if she heard the things he said, she made no indication that she was paying attention as she disappeared down the hallway. Sometimes, he just didn't know what to think about her. The things that she did and said in Titan Saga were so different from the way she would act in person. In the game, she was bold, ruthless, but she didn't show any of that at school.

Unlike him. Jean was Jean no matter where he was; in the game, at school, at home.

He wished that he could be a little more like Annie. He didn't want to treat anyone the way she did sometimes, but he wished that he could become someone else the way she seemed to be able to. That was the whole point of playing a video game, wasn't it? Games were supposed to be an escape, a way to separate oneself from the real world.

Maybe he just lacked the proper imagination for it...

Even when he allowed himself to become completely immersed in the experience, he still ended up playing as himself and he couldn't even be cool about it. The second he tried to show off, he ended up leaving Marco behind and that was how he ended up biting the dust. All because of him.

He joined Titan Saga in the first place because he wanted to be in the loop, to take part in the craze that everyone else at his school were going nuts over. Some of the kids in his class were already at the top of the leaderboards, even. Mikasa and Eren started playing it way before anyone else and they were already far up the list with Annie, Reiner, and Bert closing in on them every day.

It was a tough game, but Jean wasn't too bad it. He just didn't have the same kind of drive to take out the titans that Mikasa and Eren had. He played it a little bit to get used to it, then realized what it could do for his reputation at school if he managed to get up as high as the others. If he kept playing it, then there was a chance that Mikasa might even notice his existence.

After playing it for a few weeks, he didn't see any changes at school, though. He even asked Eren what he thought of him and Eren – Eren, the guy who spent way too many hours playing the game – looked at him like he thought he was a loser. He didn't even have the energy to find out what Mikasa thought when her eyes were fixed on Eren.

Jean seethed. And his determination grew.

Because it didn't fucking matter if Eren cared about how well he played the game or not. Jean knew he was good at Titan Saga. He could take down just as many titans as Eren if he really wanted to.

His determination only grew when he found out that Marco was thinking about joining the game. At the same time, knowing that Marco was going to start playing the game made him feel... nervous. He wasn't afraid that Marco was going to become better at it than him or anything. That certainly wasn't it. Marco just kind of...

Marco did things to him.

It was hard to explain.

But Jean was pretty sure that the things Marco did to him were gay things.

They were pretty good friends, which made it weird. They were in the same year, but they were in a lot of different classes. They never suffered through any of the difficult classes like chemistry and geometry together, but they shared homeroom and lunch, so at some point, Jean started to think of Marco's gentle presence as a type of reward for surviving through all of his frustrating classes with the likes of Eren.

They met at school, so there were still a lot of things that he didn't know about Marco, but he did know that Marco liked him. That is – in the friends kind of way. Maybe possibly in the other kind of way as well, but – Jean wasn't going to let himself think too heavily about that until the moment called for it. The important thing was that Marco actually cared about him and listened to the things he said, unlike just about everyone else.

Every day, he worked hard to impress his other classmates, but it felt like he didn't have to do anything to impress Marco. That was probably what it meant to have a real friend. Something like that.

That was why, when he started to realize that Marco might've liked him as more than just a friend, he felt nervous. Jean had never thought he was into guys until he started thinking about Marco like that. If it were someone else like fucking Eren who suddenly stumbled into his life and started making him feel gay feelings then he would've made sure to stay as far away as humanly possible, but Marco was... He couldn't get mad at Marco.

It was literally, physically impossible for him to get mad at Marco.

Jean's anger was a part of his life, especially his high school life. Lots of things made him mad, like his grades and his homework and his parents, but whenever he was around Marco, he felt calm. Except for the times when he felt nervous and kind of gay around him, of course. Jean decided that God must have blessed him, otherwise he had no idea how he managed to make a friend like him. Whenever he tried to show anyone else how awesome he was, it always backfired, but Marco acted like he was the best thing since sliced bread.

That was, ultimately, why he was really nervous. If he was ever going to sort out the feelings Marco made him feel, he knew he had to discuss them with him. The problem was, he didn't want to risk their friendship. He had to do something that would really impress Marco so he wouldn't even dream of ignoring him or pushing him away if he let those feelings slip.

When Jean heard about Marco's sudden interest in Titan Saga, he thought he found his opportunity. He didn't have to be as great as Eren to impress him, but if he managed to help him through the first few demanding training levels in the game, he was confident he would have a lock on his friendship.

Titan Saga was a unique multiplayer experience. Everyone began at the same level and went through the same demanding tutorial levels at the beginning. Although, however demanding the training experience was, the real challenge came when fighting titans. If a player's HP were depleted while facing a titan, their character would die and return to the very beginning of the game without any of their experience, levels, or inventory. That was why it was so incredible that Eren and Mikasa had remained at the top of the boards for so long, frequently fighting titans the way they did.

Marco just wanted to see what the fuss was all about and – much to Jean's surprise – he even asked Jean if he could help him out. Helping Marco meant that he would have to restart and lose his position on the leaderboard, so he felt a little torn. After only a moment's hesitation though, his eagerness to prove himself won out and he agreed to help him.

That night, he ran home and logged into Titan Saga as quickly as possible. He said his final goodbyes to his items and things, then restarted his saga. After that, he sat at his desk and anxiously waited for Marco to show. He knew that Marco would probably be thrilled just to have his help, but he couldn't help feeling nervous. His nervousness only seemed to intensify when he finally saw Marco's name appear in the lobby he specified.

He heard his mother yelling for him to come eat dinner, but all he could think about was the game. When she got fed up, she stormed up the steps to his room and knocked on his door and he tried to explain that he was studying for an extremely important test. Unfortunately, she knew that he was lying because he never studied. She stood outside of his door for a while, her presence totally throwing off his concentration, but he heard her sigh heavily after a few minutes and she told him that his food would be sitting on the table when he was ready for it.

Glad to be alone again, he put all his focus on helping Marco. He jumped through hoops to get him the best armor and weapons they could afford at their level and showed him around to all of the best spots to grind.

...Grind.

...Grinding with Marco.

...Grinding against Marco.

His brain kept throwing him all kinds of confusing signals like that the whole night but he forced them out of his head with all of his might. More than ever, he tried to pretend that he was just a character in the game; a guy with a lot of experience who could help show Marco the way to becoming a successful titan slayer.

And it went pretty well. They got pretty far into the training segment when Marco finally had to call it quits, popping up with a message that said he had to go eat dinner with his family. Jean was disappointed that they had to stop while he was on a roll, but he was proud of the progress he made with him.

Then, Marco made his night.

immaculate_marco: had a lot of fun tonight. thanks 3

He had no business feeling so happy about that one little message. It was that stupid little heart at the end of it. It didn't necessarily mean anything, but he'd never seen Marco use one of those with him before and he'd definitely never gotten hearts from any other dudes online. It didn't have to mean anything but something about it felt significant.

No. It didn't mean anything.

...But he really liked imagining that it meant something.

He tried to calm down and think rationally about it. First, he said goodbye to Marco, then logged off and turned off his monitor. He flopped onto his bed after that and put his hands on his stomach and tried to make sense of the confusing thoughts and feelings he had mixing around in his head. However, the more he let himself think about it, the more complicated his thoughts became. It wasn't long before he was imagining what it would be like if he and Marco really lived in the world of Titan Saga. He would protect Marco through thick and thin and Marco would always thank him with those shimmering eyes of his and that smile. They'd complete their training together and then they'd be so exhausted from all their efforts that they'd just collapse somewhere in the forest next to each other.

And then Marco would look over at him while they'd be laying in the grass and his cheeks would be a bit red under his freckles and he'd smile slowly at him and Jean would lean over to brush a little bit of the sweat from his face with one of his sleeves and...

...And then they'd end up kissing and rolling around together in the grass.

Before he even realized what he was doing, Jean had a hand down the front of his jeans but he couldn't stop himself. He knew how wrong it was, to be thinking gross things about his closest friend when he had no idea. It was wrong. Real wrong.

His heart thumped painfully in his chest with each jerk of his wrist as he imagined Marco's sweet face, as he imagined how warm and soft his lips would feel pressed against his own. As far as fantasies went, it wasn't even that explicit, but that was what really freaked him out. Marco didn't just inspire confusing, sexual feelings in him. He made him feel sappy, romantic feelings.

It was just too easy to imagine that his hand was Marco's instead. With his fingers wrapped around him, Marco would look down at him warmly and give him a few gentle kisses and he'd wrap his other arm around him when...

When he came, Jean was curled up on his side with cum coating his palm and warm tears staining the pillow beneath his head.

He gave himself some time to just lay there and feel bad about himself before he found the strength to get back up. He snuck out of his room then and headed down to the kitchen to retrieve his food. Even though his mom noticed him and asked what was wrong, he pretended to not notice her and slowly crept away with his dinner. He hoped that she could sympathize with the hollow look on his face.

Of course, when he saw Marco at school the day after that, he didn't mention any of what happened after he logged off. Although, he did have to excuse himself during lunch because Marco was too enthusiastic with his gratitude. Jean couldn't handle all the appreciation. He was too weak.

It wasn't just a one-time thing anymore. He jerked off to him twice and although twice couldn't be considered chronic, the situation still felt dire. He was going to have to tell Marco soon or else his feelings were going to make him explode. On the bright side, he made some great progress with him in the game which meant he was already one step in the right direction.

And then that was when he took ten steps back.

They made it successfully out of the training, but then he got too comfortable. He got over-confident in his abilities and tried to show off and ended up getting separated from Marco in the process. By the time he realized Marco wasn't following him anymore, he was surrounded by titans and had to fight just to get himself out of his own mess.

He really thought he blew it. He tried too hard. It was too obvious how much he was trying to show off. Blinded by his own selfish objective, he ended up ignoring Marco. Seeing what remained of Marco's character torn apart and spit out felt like a twisted metaphor for what he was doing to their friendship. It was the first time he ever felt so absorbed in the game, like he was really there, breathing and tasting the rotten air around all of those bodies, which was why it was such a shock and relief when his buzzing cellphone reminded him that Marco was still alive.

It wasn't over. He could still find a way to redeem himself.

Just like he promised, he wouldn't let Marco out of his sight next time. Then, if it went the way he hoped... He could tell him how he felt.

Hopefully he wasn't just making excuses for himself.