Chapter One: Guilt
Serena couldn't bring herself to go home right away and face her mother. She needed to prepare herself. How could she go home so soon after seeing her father's betrayal and look her beloved mother in the face and lie? The blonde was wandering around the woods, and she sank against a tree, resting her head between her knees. 'I'm a hypocrite,' she thought disgustedly. 'I'm the champion of love and justice, and I'm concealing injustice and tainted love!' How could she face Luna now? How could she face anyone? If they knew what she'd agreed to, they would all be so disappointed in her. Especially Seiya.
She'd fallen for Seiya without even realizing it. When she finally figured it out, it had been too late. Stupidly, blindly, she'd clung to the illusion of a perfect future. 'Darien sure did a hell of a good job screwing that up,' she thought. For approximately three months, she had been blissfully content with Darien. But then, she'd found him shagging some college freshman girl in his apartment. Strangely, although she'd been upset, she wasn't exactly heartbroken. It felt as though her love for her prince had died a long time ago. After much rigorous soul-searching and weeks of lying awake nights examining her heart, she realized that Seiya had been the one she loved all along. But now, he was gone, having returned to Kinmoku with Taiki, Yaten, and Kakyuu-hime.
How would Seiya react if he knew what she'd done, what she'd so stupidly agreed to? He loved her for her honesty and pure heart. God, the look on his face if he knew…it would be unbearable. He wouldn't look at her with anger; no, he'd never done that. He would look at her with disappointment and pain. It would hurt her heart to see that as much as it had when he'd asked those five words on the rooftop that rainy day; 'Ore ja dame ka? Am I not good enough?' The look in his eyes then…it had been so sad…and she'd said nothing. Just like she was doing now. Honestly, it seemed that every time she remained silent, she hurt someone she loved.
The girl sighed heavily. She felt so alone and lost…and she could turn to no one. All she could do was thank her lucky stars that school was out for the summer. She didn't know how she would've survived if she had to endure school on top of everything else. With sadness causing a literal ache in her heart, and guilt burning like a bonfire inside her, she turned her eyes to the sky. It was now almost dusk. She hadn't realized how late it was. She could already see the evening star shining brightly in the clear sky.
"Seiya, you're more than good enough," she whispered to the wind. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before."
The blonde remained beneath the tree, watching the sky, half-hoping that she would see three shooting stars. Another part hoped she wouldn't see them again. She had disgraced herself and all those she was associated with because of her cowardice and weakness. She didn't want them to be a part of that disgrace. She was a disgrace to her mother Queen Selenity, and to the whole concept of a Sailor Senshi. She was a disgrace to the parents who had given birth to her and raised her. No; she couldn't let them know. It was her own shame; she could not ask the others to bear it. It was her burden; she must bear it alone. Her communicator beeped.
"Hello?" her tone was flat and dead-sounding.
"Serena! Thank goodness you answered! I was so worried! Where are you?" Luna cried.
"I'm fine, Luna. I'm in the woods."
"What are you doing there this late?"
"Thinking about things. Contemplating the cosmos, what makes passion, and whether feeling guilty is like being burned alive or drowning."
Dead silence on the other end. Clearly, the purple cat had not been expecting that kind of answer. "Serena, what is it?" she finally asked. "You seem down."
"Like I said, I'm fine. Just in thinking mode. I'm just as weirded out as you. This whole thoughtfulness thing is a new experience, and I need to adjust to it."
"You're certain you're all right?"
"Mm-hmm." The blonde winced as her conscience sharply rebuked her for the lie. The rebuke was so sharp that it fell just short of causing physical pain. She again assured Luna that she was all right, and hung up. She felt so helpless, but she couldn't burden everyone else with a problem that was hers alone. She'd gotten herself into this mess; she had to find a way out on her own. There would come a time eventually when she would have to stand alone. They wouldn't always be there, her stalwart knights standing fast.
A song that she remembered hearing Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Once More, With Feeling sing, circulated through her mind. She could hear the words now.
You're not ready for the world outside.
You keep pretending, but you just can't hide.
I know I said that I'd be standing by your side.
But I…
Your path's unbeaten, and it's all uphill.
And you can beat it, but you never will.
And I'm the reason that you're standing still.
But I…
I wish I could say the right words,
And lead you through this land.
Wish I could play the father,
And take you by the hand.
Wish I could stay here,
But now I understand.
I'm standing in the way.
The cries around you, you don't hear at all.
'Cause you know I'm here to take that call.
So you just lie there when you should be standing tall.
But I…
I wish I could lay your arms down,
And let you rest at last.
Wish I could slay your demons,
But now that time is past.
Wish I could stay here, your stalwart standing fast.
But I'm standing in the way.
I'm just standing in the way.
Those words had touched her when she'd first heard them. Giles had sounded so sad. And it had all been because Buffy was unable to stand on her own. Of course, she'd been forced to crawl out of her own grave, so that was a pretty good excuse. But what excuse did she have? She hadn't had to crawl out of any graves lately. Actually, she hadn't had to crawl out of any graves, period. Why? Because her friends had been there, protecting her. They weren't standing in the way, but there might come a time when they would feel the same way Giles had. They were her stalwarts, but she had to fight her inner demons on her own. She wanted so badly to lay down the load, but she couldn't do that.
Serena felt a single tear trail down her cheek. Guilt washed over her. She was lying to everyone she loved, and her father, the one who was supposed to protect her, was paying her to keep his dirty secret. He had failed her, and he was betraying her mother. He had failed Sammy…and she was the one who had to keep the family from falling apart. There was nothing she could do but bear it.
