DISCLAIMER: Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. This story is solely for entertainment and practice.
Chapter 2 – I plead guilty.
"Of course, Elliot. Come in, have a seat".
As Elliot took his seat and faced his captain, he tried to find the words he had been rehearsing over and over during the whole ride from Queens to Manhattan. All he came up with was a blank.
It didn't help that Don Cragen was staring at him, wearing an expression that plainly said he didn't want to face whatever words the detective had to say. Because he already knew.
Deciding to break the uncomfortable silence that had settled for five minutes, the captain said "So… what did you want to talk about?" - Might as well get it over with.
I might as well get to the point. "Cap… Don… I'm here to file a request for transfer"
He tried to talk him out of it anyway; he wouldn't give him up without a fight.
"Elliot, I understand that last week's situation has gotten to you, but don't you need more time to think about a decision like this? I know you love this job, you love this Unit… you're one half of the two most dedicated detectives I've ever had under my command, I've watched you both leave a piece of yourselves in every gruesome case, and that's what made you great…"
Elliot interrupted him then "That's exactly why I need to leave. I've given so much of myself, I don't have anything left. Don, I'm falling apart, my family is falling apart… that shooting was a wakeup call that seems to be accelerating the process and I need to stop it!" By the time Elliot finished that sentence, he had to take a deep breath to slow down the rapid pounding of his heart. He was shaking; he could barely speak with the tight knot that had formed around his throat. He swallowed hard, hoping to calm himself, but it didn't work
"Please, Don, don't make it even harder than it already is, I'm ashamed to look into my colleagues eyes… I took a child's life, for Christ sake!"
This time, Cragen interrupted him "It was necessary! That girl was about to kill everyone!"
"You don't know that!" Elliot was shouting now, sign of his frustration caused by the whole situation. He paused for some seconds, taking two deep breaths, and tried to continue.
"That shooting ruined my life: I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think, I can't even look into my children's eyes, or my wife's either!"
"Elliot, if the real reason you're leaving is because of the guilt you feel for shooting the girl, you should know that feeling is gonna follow you everywhere, no matter where you transfer to, even if you move out of NYC or if you decide to quit being a cop altogether. Why don't you take a medical leave? Get some counseling or therapy. Whatever helps you cope and make you feel better. We'll keep your desk just as you leave it, ready for you when you decide to come back."
"Cap, my decision's been made; you won't be able to change my mind. My time in SVU is over. It hurts like hell… believe me… but I need to change." he sniffed, and that's when he felt the tears running down his face. He didn't even bother to wipe them.
They held each other's gazes for a moment, until Cragen sighed and opened his drawer, grabbed a folder and took out a transfer form. He looked at his detective with sad eyes and handed the pages over to him.
He felt terrible, it wasn't supposed to end like this, he saw those two from the very beginning, watched their partnership flourish and become the best of the unit, New York's finest. The loyalty they felt for each other went beyond words and reason, their friendship was tangible and anyone could tell they needed each other to function. That's when his thoughts turned to Olivia, the other half of this 'dynamic duo', and he had to ask:
"What about Liv? Does she know about this?"
"I think she… can see it coming. I told her a few minutes ago I needed to talk to her and she paled. I don't get why she would be so upset, she can totally do this job without me, she's the best."
"Elliot, I don't think she is afraid or insecure about the prospect of doing her job without you, but I do think she relies on you a lot when it comes to her feelings, even though she tries to hide them all the time…"
He paused and took a deep breath, as if making a decision right at that moment "In fact, since you're about to leave, I think it's time for me to speak to you like I would speak to my son: you know Olivia doesn't have a family, SVU became her family. And you… especially you, became her rock. From outside the lines, I can see her eyes light up whenever you come into a room, she feels safe with you in every meaning of the word…" He stopped talking for a moment, trying to avoid giving away Olivia's real feelings, even though she hadn't said anything to him directly, he could tell she was in love with her partner. "What I'm trying to say is that you can't expect her not to be affected by this shocking news, even if she saw it coming".
Elliot got up, with the forms in his hands, and walked to the door. Before opening it, he turned around and asked his soon-to-be-ex-CO "Who are you gonna be pairing her up with? Fin or some rookie detective?". Elliot voice took a disdainful tone when he mentioned the new potential detective.
Cragen raised his eyebrows "Why are you asking?"
The detective chuckled miserably, bittersweet. "Since you won't be my CO anymore, I'll talk to you like a concerned son to his father…" He paused for a moment, trying to get his thoughts in order "I wanna make sure she'll be safe after I'm gone. The thought of her getting injured in the line of duty… because I'm not there to protect her… scares the shit out of me."
Elliot felt guilty; he was staring at the floor while he poured those feelings.
Cragen realized that and pounced on it, one last attempt to get him to change his mind even though he knew it was impossible
"But you're leaving anyway…"
The Captain never answered who would be Liv's new partner; but Elliot couldn't stand to stay in that office for another minute. He turned around, opened the door and left, slamming it shut in the process.
He took a moment to observe the environment around him: Fin was on the phone, Munch was making coffee and the rest was fairly calm… but Olivia wasn't at her desk. With even heavier feet than before he climbed the stairs to the rooftop of the building, as he prepared himself for the most dreaded conversation he'd ever have.
A/N: Please, review.
