Chapter Two

"So what did you talk about? When you saw her? Paige? God I haven't spoken to Alex in ages. How is she doing in New York? Why's she back d'ya think?" Hazel continues to churn out questions absent-mindedly. Not really waiting for the answers. Which is fortunate, as I don't have any.

"Um, I don't know. Everyone comes home for the summer, don't they?" I say, flustering, but trying to regain some semblance of control over my stomach. Damn, why is it fluttering around like that?

"Well, yeah, if they've got something worth coming home for. So what the hell is Alex's excuse?"

"Hazel!" I snap. I don't think she means it to sound as bitchy as it does. Thinking about it, she's got a point. If Alex was serious about starting afresh in New York, why return here to a bunch of people she'd rather forget, to a mother she's given up on? Unless…figuring it was the summer, a time when naturally students flock back to their families to revive their finances and review their options…was she thinking of reviewing her options maybe? And…would that be a good thing?

"She musta screwed up," Hazels concludes her own diatribe.

"Huh?" My vocabulary is rapidly disintegrating as my brain starts to swell with possibilities.

"In New York. She probably screwed up her job or something. If she ever really had one to begin with. I mean, come on, it's hardly Alex is it? To go off chasing some big career and some pay cheque?"

"What? What do you know about it Hazel? Just 'cos she wasn't into high school, and didn't come out the womb with a roadmap as to where she wanted her life to go. Jesus! I mean, she had it tough, she's doing her best, she's not an idiot or something!" I can feel my skin begin to burn. I shouldn't be laying into Hazel like this. I shouldn't even be caring this much…

"Okay, okay, calm down. Sheesh-"

"I am calm!" I blurt out unconvincingly. I lower my volume a couple notches and try and rein in my rising indignation. "I just, I just don't think we should be talking about Alex like this, that's all."

"Okay, fine. We won't badmouth Alex- although that wasn't what-"

"Just," I hold up my hand to signal for Hazel to stop, "Let's just not talk about her at all."

Hazel gives a slight nod, with a look approaching something close to comprehension flashing briefly across her eyes.

"Um, hello?" Michael finally pipes up from his seat. "Who's Alex?"

ooo OOO ooo

"So…are we going to talk about this or not?" Michael's looking at me intensely with a barely concealed glare.

I had managed to manoeuvre him into a rather rushed exit from the Dot, followed by a rather uncomfortable drive back to my house.

Who's Alex? How could I have that conversation with him there, in that place, our old stomping ground, in front of Hazel. I didn't think it would be that big a deal when I finally told him, and yet somehow I deliberately, if perhaps subconsciously had avoided talking about her to him all this time. I'd never even mentioned her name. And now he was pre-empting it.

"Oh, a friend," I had said as innocently as I could. But my even and casual tone had somehow got strangled in my throat and turned into a high-pitched squeak.

Hazel had cottoned on immediately and done the polite thing and played along when I had a suddenly-remembered early dinner appointment.

But Michael, he wasn't going to play along. He wanted the truth from me. I don't know why I was so afraid to give it to him. He had handled worse from me. I mean, we were in love, and this was old news, it shouldn't matter, right?

"Paige," he walked towards me as I perched on the edge of my bed in my old bedroom. Suddenly I felt like a little girl again. A child who'd scraped her knee or got her first period or something. I needed that sort of consolation that everything would be okay.

He sat down next to me and exhaled loudly, I could see his jaw tightening against his will. "Look, just tell me. Whatever it is, I can't understand or begin to understand if you won't talk to me."

I looked up into his eyes, almost pleading that he would let it drop. I wasn't ready to tell him. He was too important and this could mess everything up.

I just sat there for a while, beginning the conversation a thousand times in my head, but the words stopping just short of my lips.

"Christ! Talk about suspense! Is it really that bad? Come on, you're scaring me now." He had got up in frustration and was scraping his hair back violently off his face, looking up at the ceiling.

"No," I mumbled, "Well, it depends on your point of view I guess…"

"This girl, Alex. Did she do something to you?"

I inadvertently let out a half laugh as I shake my head.

"Did she do something to Hazel?"

"No, no. We were friends. All three of us. Well, I was friends with her first and then gradually she and Hazel, just… sort of, accepted each other."

He walks right over to where I'm sitting and stands over me, but I refuse to meet his gaze. "And what was there to accept Paige?"

God, I didn't want this. I didn't want to feel this way, not over Alex. I didn't want to tarnish the memory with guilt, but somehow that is what I am feeling.

"Look, can you just stop psychoanalysing me for five seconds!" I suddenly snap out at him angrily.

"What? Because I'm concerned, because you're clearly uncomfortable with something you've done, or something someone else has done and you're refusing to tell me!" His voice is rising now, he never yells, he's not that kind of guy. I know that I'm getting to him with this. Stupid. Stupid!

I get up to leave the room. I start to feel claustrophobic and the instinct to run is all too tempting. But with one hand wrapped around my wrist he stops me.

"Let go of me!" I warn, half angrily, half out of desperation.

"Just tell me!" he implores.

But I'm still struggling for words. I hadn't planned how this conversation would eventually arise, maybe I could have just slipped it in casually. Maybe we could have just laughed it off together, maybe I should have told him when I told him about the others…maybe…

My thoughts begin to blur and I can feel an unexpected lump in my throat, I can't believe I'm fighting with him, and over this of all things!

"What did she do to you?" He fires at me.

"Nothing! Nothing!"

"Why are you crying then? Paige! Why are you fucking crying then?"

The tears really do start to flow then and I can't conceal them anymore. "Because you're yelling at me!" I half screech half sob back at him, "Because you're yelling!"

"I just want to know!" he persists, but it sounds more in desperation than anger now.

"We were lovers!" I blurt it out like machine-gun fire. Quick, loud and brutal. "We were lovers, alright!"

He lets go of me then like he's received an electric shock. I try and calm myself and stop my tears before I turn and face him.

He can barely look at me, that's what stings me. He's looking everywhere around the room, but at me.

"Why couldn't you have just told me that Paige? Why?"

"I don't know," I shrug, "I didn't think it would matter."

"Well, you seem to be getting pretty damn upset over something that doesn't matter."

Okay that's a fair point I guess. And perhaps this just fuels my confusion. "Well, I guess, I didn't want it to matter."

"This girl. Were you, I mean, are you…" he's fumbling to find the right words and it's painful to watch, painful to feel.

"Look, I've never been attracted to girls, okay? Just Alex."

"But, you were. I mean, you were in love with her?" He has a strange expression on his face. Not that kind of pervy-guy thing that so many of them seem to get which is just gross, but he seems conflicted as to whether he should feel threatened or impressed.

"Alex and me were never going to work out. We are two totally different people.

But she was my girlfriend for a while and yes, I still care about her." I walk towards him now and reach for his hand that hangs by his side. "But I love you, Michael. You and no one else."

I'm staring into his eyes, hesitant as to whether I've just pushed things forward or messed everything up for good. But when he leans down and kisses me softly I get my answer.

"Well thank god for that," he says breathing out the tension and we both smile for the first time.

He wraps his arms around me and I feel reassured once again. I squeeze him back and then snuggle into his embrace as my tears finally dry away completely. He gently strokes the back of my head. "So, is there anything else? Or is that really everything now?" He says smiling into my hair.

"No, that's pretty much it," I mumble back. Pretty much.