I Wanted Him
A Star Trek Fanfiction
Chapter Two:
To Need Me
There were some things only she could do for you.
When did they stop playing as many chess matches as they did? When did they stop meeting for lunch or chatting or grouping together on diplomatic missions? When did they stop being so close, and when did she start running away?
Running away from their closeness and love, from the eyes that questioned her sanity and stability as a captain. Running away from the very real fact that she was losing her damn mind.
She kept her promise and attended the session with the counselor and spent the majority of the time spacing out. After the last series of one syllable answers, Andros sighed in frustration, sweeping back a stray lock of red hair.
"We'll never get anywhere if you won't tell me anything."
"Maybe there's nothing to tell."
"And maybe you're full of shit."
That earned a mildly surprised look from her, "Bold words."
He smiled, "And maybe it was. However, if we're going to make any progress, we must be as brutally honest with each other as we possibly can. If you don't want to talk, we can try other methods."
"Well, with all due respect to you doctor, I don't want you tinkering away in my head. I can barely stand having myself in there."
"Understandable. How about trying this?" He reached over into a small box and retrieved an orange candle as tall as the width of her thumb. "It may not seem like much, but it's as powerful as any truth serum. If this doesn't do the trick, I don't know what will."
"So. . . ."
"You just light the wick and relax. This is measured out for one use to ease the process and gently expose the truth. Any more and you'd be rendered comatose."
"Nice to know." she took the small candle and gave it a little sniff. Her head was spinning in seconds. "Are you sure this thing is safe?"
"Of course Captain, these are used often on my home planet and have been know to produce positive results. I will have Dr. McCoy on stand-by as per routine and to set your doubts at ease."
"Bones will never leave me alone now." she muttered drily, "Thank you Andros."
"No need Captain, it is a pleasure and a privilege."
Catching the intense look in his eyes and the stiffness of his form, she waved the formality away and proceeded to make her way to the bridge, running right into the guy she had no desire to see.
"Captain."
As solid as ever, as controlled as ever, he stood before her imposingly and immovable. It irked her to no end, but she would not let him know that.
"Spock."
"I have noticed that you've displayed a consistent display of reluctance to perform your duties as captain. One must wonder if you are well; perhaps a visit to sick bay-"
"I assure you I'm fine Spock. It's a little fatigue and nothing more. There's nothing to get riled up about."
"Were you not leaving Councilor Saren's quarters just moments ago?"
"I fail to see how that has to do with you." She snapped, "That is a personal matter and will remain as such. As you were Lieutenant; I have work to do."
She walked away from him without another word, wanting nothing more than to hide again, but knew that was a luxury she could not afford. Shit! Why did she have to yell?
She could feel his stare bearing down on her in the days that followed, but refused to acknowledge it. Through the negotiating of space with a new species and collaborating on status reports, it was better to picture him as furniture, or a tribble that just wouldn't go away. Was it petty? Yes. Did she care? Not as much as she would have liked to. Dealing with Uhura was easier, though she couldn't imagine how. Like Spock, she didn't gush about anything or behaved in the normal fashion a young woman would, but focused more on the task at hand and seemed to have an affinity to sense the captain's "Fuck Off" vibes. The cliché girl on girl hatred never happened. Maybe it was the fact that they never got close enough to be bosom buddies. Maybe for the better, since the first encounter they had began with a sleazy pickup line.
As for the rest of the crew, it was easier to fool them with tiredness. Not that it completely worked all the time. Sulu was more friendly than usual, inviting her to see new hybrids of plants and asking her to join him in a sparring session. Bones kept finding reasons to visit her quarters with matters easily transferred over com and had a tendency to linger in a overtly conspicuous manner. Even Scotty had his own way of "cheering her up" by challenging her to rounds of drinking until they were stumbling fools. Sad and pathetic in most respects, but a pastime she hadn't completely abandoned, especially when the situation called.
But she refused to receive anything from the object of her obsession unless it came with superior orders. It was too much to resume what was once a working relationship. . . what was left of it. She felt like an obsolete model; expendable and unnecessary. Like she'd serve her purpose and was no longer needed.
But she needed to be needed. Craved the interaction and the push-pull effect they seemed to have on eachother. It was as if . . . God. . . of all the times she laughed at her peers for their indulgence in romance novels and the dramatic drivel that came with them, here she was eating those words.
It was as if a part of her were missing.
Bones could have been doing anything else with the workload he had as CMO. Instead, here he was staring into the face the Vulcan he couldn't help but hate. Arms folded and scowl perfectly in place, he waited somewhat patiently for the man to speak, taking care to display his displeasure with heavily drumming fingers.
"Doctor, there has been a recent change within the habits and mannerisms of our captain. I am concerned that she is not well and suggest she be fully examined before resuming her duties."
"You do, do you? What does Jen have to say about all of this?"
"She believes that it is none of my concern and has declined to speak with me on a number of occasions unless the matter is of platonic nature."
Bones chuckled bitterly to himself, "She's a stubborn one alright. . . If I were you Spock, I would let her be. She's got her own demons to face without you adding to it. She may be in a fit now, but the Enterprise will always come first with her."
"While the governing of the Enterprise is of the utmost important, the welfare of the Captain is of equal reverence-"
"-and I can tell you that she's not as despondent as you think she is. Little by little she's doing the right thing. You should know a little something about proud creatures Spock, they never make anything easy, for themselves or others. Let it be and get back to work."
Spock mulled this over as he took his leave, grouping it together with all that has happened in the past few weeks. In between the time of the first hint of distress to now he saw their interaction dwindle and her level of vivacity diminish. The spontaneous remarks and carefree expressions that often graced her features were minimal. To use a human phrase, it was as if all the life were sucked out of her.
How strange it was that she would decline at such a joyous time, a time where he would make his contribution to the Vulcan colony with a woman of such compatibility. A woman he'd come to know as strong, self-aware, and self-sacrificing to every cause she found herself bound to. It was a match built from strong foundations and would prove effective in the years to come.
This was something many humans held in high regard he observed. Especially human females. With an announcement came a large wave of emotions and anticipation; women would bond and share their revelations of the perfect bonding ritual while the men indulged them. Not so with the women in his life. Knowing Nyota and her head for structure and order, one would naturally assume the captain would be overcome. Perhaps it was something to speak to the councilor about.
She watched the candle with scrutiny before lighting the wick. All the skepticism in her mind was swept away by the heavy scent that seemed to permeate the room in a matter of seconds. The room began to spin as her legs gave out from under her, causing her to land hard on her bed. It didn't matter though, all she could feel was the sensation of the world whirring by and the incredible softness that now surrounded her.
She was a miserable woman.
It was the truth, there was no denying it. She spent most of her life buried in books by day and drowned in booze by night. Her way to relieve stress usually involved a bar brawl or shameless flirting followed by a make-out session on a pool table. Sometimes her mother wouldn't let her back in the house for days. Sometimes she snuck back in at the risk of her asshole stepdad chewing her out for being so useless. As if scratching your ass while eating everything in sight was a suitable profession.
He could have been mine.
Cameron. She used to tease him over his name because he teased her about hers. They met at the bar she frequented most of the time and hit it off immediately. Whenever she needed a place to crash, he would offer his house, sneaking her past his parents and kid brother. He was as straight as they came. The only reason he was at the bar that night was to be the designated driver of another friend. Why he was interested in her was the question. He told her it was because she was a powerhouse if he ever saw one and teased that she could probably reach admiral status in her first year of Starfleet Academy.
That was his future. He wanted to be an officer of the stars and who was she to stop him? A nobody with no ambitions and no dreams?
Of course, she did make it in and worked her ass off for lack of a better thing to do. It didn't take long for her to master a level of slacker that really didn't hurt anything more than her image. For reasons unknown, Cam still walked up to her in crowded rooms and walked her to class everyday. Treating her like the lady she'd look to never be.
Until the crisis.
She drifted gradually from a floating sensation to one of gently sinking to the bottom of an endless sea. Opening her mouth, she could taste the flowers and fruits in the air. The sounds of gentle whooshing filled her ears and the temperature was all at once warm and cold.
It was at that moment, after meeting Spock Prime and boarding the ship once more. He grabbed the front on her uniform, pressing cold knuckles against her skin as he glared fiercely into her eyes. . .
It was then that she felt that bond of destiny. An intertwining of souls that transcended dimensions and logic.
It was then that she knew. . .
She knew. . .
. . . .
. . . .
. . . .
Author's Note:
I use ellipses a lot and ask a lot of rhetorical questions in this piece. Some of the dialogue is forced and some things don't make sense now that will make sense later. I use a lot of flowery language because that is my writing style. I hope you don't have a hard time comprehending it. All in all, not a bad chapter in my opinion.
